I'm sick for the first time in like 10-12 years. My stomach has been the gold standard against which other stomachs have been judged. Now I'm afraid that it's been reduced to a quivering shell of it's former self. It is time to relinquish my title, all.

I urge any and all who believe they are strong enough to take my reins. I thought I was strong enough to keep this beast at bay for at least a single night while I waited on reinforcements, yet I was clearly outmatched - ladies and gentlemen... I pooped the bed for the first time since I've learned that you're not supposed to poop the bed.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. And feverish.