Stalled Out
I'm sure I'll hear both good and bad (and indifferent) about me being back to the boards. I deserve any and all of it, for the simple fact that I reacted in haste instead of thinking things through.
I spoke with someone the other day, who mentioned that they hadn't seen me around here. It gave me pause, and sort of woke me up to what I had been doing. I had been running from something I had done. I was allowing my screw ups and shame to run me from these boards, which I enjoyed coming to and posting on.
Right now, I don't think it is appropriate for me to leave here. This is my social outlet; these boards gave me different ways to look at situations. It gave me a way of socializing when I don't anywhere else.
It's extremely important that I have any form of social group at this time in my life. I'm currently in therapy for depression. Over the coming months, it will be discussed whether I have OCD, Bipolar Disorder, etc. All of these have been mentioned, but none ruled out yet.
I started on depression meds for the first time in my life, last night (a generic of Celexa). I started after much hesitation and avoidance of them as long as I could, as I don't think pills are always the answer for problems. Some of my concerns came out last night as I had a spaced-out feeling, and bumped around my apartment before putting myself to bed (I woke with a start at 3am. My light switch controls the outlet that I have my alarm clock plugged into, and in my haze last night I flipped the switch to turn off my desk lamp, killing the power to my alarm clock).
Another part of this, not sure how much this is affecting things though? I divorced a little over a year ago. You could probably compare my staying in the marriage to a spouse getting beaten by the other yet staying in the relationship. There was never abuse in that sort, but mental abuse. I had to deal with the knowledge that I was married to a Sexual Predator. A month after we married, he plead no contest to the charges. I was shocked he wouldn't fight the charges, but I stayed in the marriage. I was very dependent on it; I had never been on my own before.
Finally, last year, I got the courage to file for divorce and leave him. Being alone sucks for me. Big time. That could be causing this depression as well, being alone all the time. My leaving was starting my life over, at the age of 28. I'll be 30 in a few months, and I have no long term goals, no dreams, no plans for the future.
I've barely even stepped into Gemstone the past few weeks. Last time I did, Ent died and I had to rotate bringing in my two little ones to save her, and killing them in the process too a few times before getting Ent back to town. I'm losing interest in a game I've enjoyed for so long, and it's worrisome to me. I read how people are training their characters to new levels, and I feel like she's getting so far behind. But I don't have the motivation or energy.. or happy feelings... to step in the lands.
And there you have it. Everyone has skeletons that stare at you from your closet - here's some of mine that keep opening my closet door.
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Originally Posted by Seran-the Current Retard Champion
