The Open Letters Thread

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Open letters go here.

I'll start.

Dear ham, egg, and cheese breakfast sammich,

Thank you for being so delicious, and for being so cheap. You rock my taste buds every morning.

Love,
Nikki

[Kitsun]

Dear Mr. Cupcake,

Why do you tempt me so? Your delicious frosting to your beautifully bottomed self. I lament our time apart and yet dread our meeting, because it ends only in an empty wrapper every time.

With only regrets,
Kit

[Tordane]

Dear Mr and Mrs. Cream Filled Doughnuts,
Why must the evil employees I work with leave you by the coffee pot? Don't they know I started eating low calorie three days ago? Pure evil is your yummy goodness, I hope I have the strength to avoid you on my next trip for coffee.

Signed,
Drinking calories 90-110 of 1900.

[AnticorRifling]

Slow fuck in the blue minivan,

Kill yourself.

[Sean]

Dear Open Letters Thread,

Thanks for making me think about food. You suck.

Sean

[WRoss]

Dear Latex Allergies,

Thank you for being so prevalent in poor dumbass people so that they can have more poor and dumb children.

Sincerely,
The Welfare Office

[ElvenFury]

Dear Breasts,

When I see you I fall into a trance and my penis flutters warmly, like a butterfly floating on a summer breeze. Oh how I wish to be enveloped in your soft and supple curves. You are the full moon, and my penis is the high tide.

However, despite my admiration for your considerable beauty, I must look away. My heart aches, for it seems our love can never be. Without a doubt, the prudish hag that you're attached to would be displeased by my affection. She is making some noise, speaking words to me perhaps, and though I only wish to gaze upon your glory, I'm forced by social standards to look instead at her flapping face. Please, my loves, don't feel jealous, for though my eyes are averted, you are a thundering presence in my thoughts always.

With never-ending admiration,
ElvenFury

[iJin]

Dear Body-clock,

I hate you.

Love,
J.

[Jhynnifer]

Dear stupid, stupid white trash book keeper,

How I wish you would find yourself void of your vocal chords so that you may no longer force your terrible drama upon us.

Love,
Everyone who knows you.

[Drew]

Dear House,

I hate you with the passion of a dying star.

Love,
Your slave.

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear Bubba Burgers,

Holy shit I can cook you from the freezer this is so convenient I wish I knew about you before yesterday run-on sentences are my forté especially ones that rhyme.

Yours truly,
Bobmuhthol

[DCSL]

Dear Neighbor with a Trumpet,

I know who you are. I know where you live. I know you like to practice your trumpet in the mornings with your windows open. If it happens again, I'm going to set fire to you.

Cordially,
Dex

[Kitsun]

Dear Durg,

I am hereby officially nominating you for the title of Inspire-ation Killer. Your services in the name of all PC and GS kind has been noted.

Your fan,
Kit

[Kainen]

Dear Jackass Who Stole My Purse,

I hope you get run over by a flaming gasoline truck and die a slow horrible death.

Luv, Kainen.

[NocturnalRob]

Dear Kainen,

I can't believe I went to the trouble of stealing your purse and all it contained was half a roll of Tums, an empty bottle of lube, and $2.39 in loose change. Thanks for nothing.

Hate you,

Thief Guy

[Kainen]

Dear Kainen,

I can't believe I went to the trouble of stealing your purse and all it contained was half a roll of Tums, an empty bottle of lube, and $2.39 in loose change. Thanks for nothing.

Hate you,

Thief Guy

Can't rep you.. but that made me laugh! <3

[NocturnalRob]

Can't rep you.. but that made me laugh! <3
Yay. Sorry about your purse though. People are dicks.

[peam]

Dear Hippie Neighbors,

If your fucking tent cover blows off of the railing where it's been 'airing out' for the past week and on to my sidewalk again, I'm throwing the motherfucker in the trash and then going out for steak. Also, I'm glad that the cat you put outside because "it was peeing everywhere" went missing. Thirdly, fuck you for making me feel bad about wearing patchouli deodorant. I really like the shit, but since it's associated with grimy, unbathed fucks like yourself, I'm self-conscious. I hope all of your plants die too.

Regards,

Peam

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Haha, patchouli deodorant.

[peam]

Haha, patchouli deodorant.

Fuck off, cracker.

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Hippie!

[peam]

Also..

Dear Fellow Students,

Show some fucking respect and put your god damn cell phones away. Whatever bullshit prattle you're sending back and forth via text about Sigma Sigma Sigma can wait until after class.

Signed,

Old Guy

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Texas Toast,

I thought you'd be far more filling... I wish I had made two of you. Now I'm just hungry and grouchy because you didn't make me feel full. :(

With Disappointment,

Sad College Student who is sad.

[WRoss]

Dear Justin Bieber,

No homo.

Thanks,
Ross

[Paradii]

Dear S-Plus,

I hate you. You are a cumbersome program that goes completely out of your way to be difficult. You suck.

Sincerely,
Me


P.S. Tell R that it also sucks.

[Delias]

Dear SoTT's Quarters,

I'm coming for you. Soon.

Love,
Carnies everywhere.

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Chris Cornell,

I wish I hadn't been a-scared of your Black Hole Sun video. I would have liked very much to shout along to your Audioslave songs(z).

Love,

A Formerly Angsty Teenager

[Warriorbird]

Dear The Bacchae,

Your actual historical context is far less entertaining than why people perform you these days.

Love,
Some Guy With A Presentation To Write.

[DCSL]

Dear John Bender as played by Judd Nelson,

Even after all this time, I still have such a crush on you. Your hair, your clothes, your pissy attitude. Gawd. FUCKING. Damnit. You set fire to my still apparently teenage hormones.

Dex

(I love you.)

[Kainen]

Dear Progresso Chicken Corn Chowder (flavored with bacon),

I LOVE YOU!!!! You are my new favorite soup. (and mebbe food)

Love, Kainen.

[4a6c1]

Dear Work,

I will not do you please quit asking.

Love and Kisses

Some Body.

[Drevihyin]

Dear Three Musketeers Bar,
I'm on day 26 of my diet so don't tempt me.

Love
Slim

[Stretch]

Dear fella that works on the 6th floor,

For fuck's sake, go see an internist. There is no way a healthy person can emit the kind of foul, plant-killing odor that you do on a daily basis.

Thanks,

Everyone that is forced to sit within 100 feet of you

[Back]

Dear old bald hermit,

I just wanted to thank you for your years of hard work and the good times we’ve had together. We have been pals from day one and nothing has ever come between us.

We’ve been through thick and thin (literally) and you have always risen to the challenge. And when you haven’t you probably knew something that I didn’t and it was for my own good.

I know you have not liked any of the many raincoats I have bought for you over the years... yet you’ve always put on a brave face and stood tall and wore them as if they were the best gifts you’ve ever received.

I would apologize for some of the crazy escapades I’ve gotten us into... but you’ve always been gung ho and jumped in head first you crazy motherfucker!

We may not always see eye to eye but when we put our heads together we make one hell of a team.

Thanks, bro.

[Androidpk]

Dear John Bender as played by Judd Nelson,

Even after all this time, I still have such a crush on you. Your hair, your clothes, your pissy attitude. Gawd. FUCKING. Damnit. You set fire to my still apparently teenage hormones.

Dex

(I love you.)

Let's go in a closet and make out.

[Sean of the Thread]

Dear idiot aunt,

Please do no put my rifles in a 100% humidity soaking fucking wet leaking basement again. It does not make you any more "safe" than being in my gun cabinet. Unless you can figure out how to use the bayonet on one of them.

Thanks for rusting up my fuck blue.

Love ~sean

[Delias]

Dear inner child,

Thought I'd take a moment to write you and see how you've been. I'm guessing that due to my nearly constant bitter and hateful outlook on life that you've been cutting yourself again. It's alright. I know you're depressed because your sister, the feminine side, beats you. Anyway, just checking up on you. Write me back.

Love,
Delias

P.S.- keep the dick and fart jokes coming, they are delightful.

[DCSL]

Dear Vaalorian "ae" group,

Really?

Signed,
Someone with her own naming conventions, but not one that obvious

[B4Hand]

Dear Crazy Cheerleader Mom,

Yes your daughter is pretty, yes she is a good cheerleader, this in no way entitles you to think that she is better than any other cheerleader on the squad. Nor should it make you feel entitled to wear entirely too much make-up, inappropriately skimpy outfits, and for the love of god..quit talking to those poor young high school boys as if you want to eat them for lunch (and really by that I mean well.. you know what I mean). You make all of us Cheer parents look crazy. If you need advice on how to act like a Mother, and not her BFF by all means call me and I'll gladly attempt to help your crazy-ass self.


Sincerely,

The Mother.

[Delias]

Dear Crazy Cheerleader Mom,

Yes your daughter is pretty, yes she is a good cheerleader, this in no way entitles you to think that she is better than any other cheerleader on the squad. Nor should it make you feel entitled to wear entirely too much make-up, inappropriately skimpy outfits, and for the love of god..quit talking to those poor young high school boys as if you want to eat them for lunch (and really by that I mean well.. you know what I mean). You make all of us Cheer parents look crazy. If you need advice on how to act like a Mother, and not her BFF by all means call me and I'll gladly attempt to help your crazy-ass self.


Sincerely,

The Mother.

Is she hot? I would have loved some nasty cougar action in high school.

[B4Hand]

Is she hot? I would have loved some nasty cougar action in high school.

She seems to try to be a nice woman,however she's a size..16ish..trying to wear her daughters clothing..blah. I mean honestly. That and she is just soo..wrong. I have a 14 year old son, and I would have to well..do something horrid to her if she ever spoke to him the way I hear her speaking to some of those kids.

[diethx]

Dear brain,

Please stop procrastinating studying for our three exams this week. We've already got to fit a month of work into a weekend of time, do you really need to make things harder for us? Get off your lazy cerebellum, for crying out loud.

Signed,

Your body

[DCSL]

Dear Uterus,

Please, for the love of bacon, STOP IT.

Signed,
Tired, Hormonal and in Pain

[diethx]

Dear Dex's Uterus,

Could you please loan some of your energy to my brain? Thank you.

Signed,
diethx

[Jhynnifer]

Dear Candy Corn,

Why is the first one of you I partake of every year so delicious yet the third, fourth and fifth so terrible? Why must you tease me so then fall short of your boasts of yummy, sweet goodness?

Please stop.
~Jennifer

[Delias]

Dear Relatives,

I shine the light of technology into your lives and you accuse said technology of being inferior, looking to place the blame on me, as if I squandered the tiny amounts of money you gave me to scrape together the parts that make a working computer. You are fucking retarded and should not be allowed to use anything more complex than the remote for a television set.

Let me make it clear: You cannot do what I can do, nor can you find someone else to do it as cheaply (AKA FUCKING FREE). I hate you and you all deserve to live in homes without electricity.

Love,
The oft-blamed but never guilty family IT guy.

P.S.- It's fucking windows. How the fuck can you fuck up, in fucking windows? Every god damn program works the same.

[iJin]

Dear Work,

Please help me stop buying goddamn candy and soda from you I'm dying.

Love,
J.

[pabstblueribbon]

Dear liver,

Fuck. Sorry.

love,

Brain/Dong

[CrystalTears]

Dear Monday,

WHY?! It's been 30 minutes and I'm already dealing with whining coworkers. Could you make it stop or at least go away? No one seems to like you and they work worse when you're around.

Thanks,
Me

[Kitsun]

Dear Car Fixing Place,

Please stop raping my wallet and me in the ear.

Thx,
Kit

[Jhynnifer]

Dear enormous, really, really big spider hanging outside my window,

I cannot reach you, not with a stick, nor a water gun, not with anything I seem to own. Please vacate the premises, I cannot have nightmares again about you attaching yourself to my face and planting babies in my belly, you huge, hairy asshole.

With fear-inspired love,
Jennifer

[Celephais]

Might I suggest taking a rubber band and some paper clips and whacking him w/ a hornet (http://www.instructables.com/id/Art-of-Hornetry/).

[TheEschaton]

Dear Democratic Senate Campaign Committee,

Please stop sending me mail. I'm broke, and I'm already voting for you.

-TheE-

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Classes,

I don't want to go to you today. I would like a break. I don't have to see sociology Wednesday and Friday, but the rest of you are around. I want some alone time. Can you please cancel yourselves. Preferably on Wednesday. Friday would alright too... Thanks. You guys are great

Love,

GR

[Lolleia]

Dear youngest child,

Why won't you nap? I need time to clean up the enormous messes that you and your siblings make. Also, I would like to have an hour or more where the television is not on some freakish cartoon. I realize that you're teething and that sucks but you really haven't slept well for 9 months so that isn't an excuse. You don't realize this now but in 15 years you will depend on me for your first car and unless you want to be driving a Gremlin I would suggest you lie down, drink your juice and enjoy your freakish cartoon until you fall asleep.

PS: Also, please stop randomly climbing the furniture and leaping off onto your head. It's really starting to freak me out.

Lots of love,
Your exhausted mother.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear Eyeballs,

You are all red and fucked up looking, and I look high. WHHHHHHHHHY

Not so much love,
Nikki

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Grades,

I hope that my discipline has taught you all to be good little As, lets not slip into the B range after midterms. I know you haven't all been reported, but I have high hopes now because Psychology has come back as an A. This means you all best be on your toes because I didn't put in all my hard work raising you, so you could become drunken slobs at college!

LOVE

Mommy.

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear college students who take classes like sociology and psychology (and actually give a fuck),

Get a real degree.

FFS.

[TheEschaton]

Dear Bob and Gnome,

Please fuck already and leave the rest of us in peace. You're only one state away from each other.

-TheE-

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Silly Boy with a Bone for me,

Wont fuck you. SRRY.

LOVE

ME.

[iJin]

Dear ____________,

It's too early for this shit.

Sincerly,
J.

[Warriorbird]

Dear required PowerPoint,

Fuck you. Just fuck you.

me

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear PC,

You might find this hard to believe, but I am very strongly attracted to Gnome Rage and I want to make sweet love to her.

Warm wishes,
Bobmuhthol

[Androidpk]

Dear midterms that I have not studied for...

'nuff said

[4a6c1]

dear pretty weather

stay till tomorrow please i'm in the books today.

LOVE

Robin

[iJin]

Dear PC,

You guys never seize to amaze me and make me laugh. Either good or bad.

Love,
Jesus.

[Cephalopod]

Dear PC,

You guys never seize to amaze me and make me laugh. Either good or bad.

Love,
Jesus.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v345/asexbunny/MJF.gif

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/2008/seizure.png

[Paradii]

very nice, very nice.

[Drew]

Dear Open Letters thread,

You've recovered nicely from your slump after Elven Fury won you.

Love,
Drew

[4a6c1]

http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/2008/seizure.png

I cant help myself. Everytime. I laugh about the double sunglasses. EVERYTIME.

[Latrinsorm]

Dear cute married co-worker,

Thanks for randomly showing up where I was!

Platonically,
Latrinsorm

[iJin]

http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/2008/seizure.png

LOL. This is why I love you.

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Pudding-Craving Self,

Just because the mousse jello cups are only 60 calories does not mean you can get up and go back into the kitchen for a second one. STAY GIRL. STAY.

Love,
Wanting the love handles to go away, Self

[Androidpk]

Dear Pudding-Craving Self,

Just because the mousse jello cups are only 60 calories does not mean you can get up and go back into the kitchen for a second one. STAY GIRL. STAY.

Love,
Wanting the love handles to go away, Self

Listen. You have to learn to compromise with yourself. Instead of just getting up and walking to the kitchen you could sprint or do cartwheels. That way you get your pudding cup while burning off the calories at the same time!

It's win win.

[Delias]

Dear giant crap I am taking,

Seriously, are you done yet? I want to get out of the bathroom.
I've been in here for so long that my battery is dying.
Provolone pizza may be the best thing ever invented, but it is also the worst thing ever invented.

Love
My puckered, pouting anus.

[4a6c1]

dear delias

oh god why. that is horrifying. pouting anus really? omg no please no

love

rojos

[Gnome Rage]

Listen. You have to learn to compromise with yourself. Instead of just getting up and walking to the kitchen you could sprint or do cartwheels. That way you get your pudding cup while burning off the calories at the same time!

It's win win.

The kitchen is like 10ft away. I'd rather will myself away from the pudding delight

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear 3500 calories I eat in any given day,

Keep on rocking.

- 145 pound dude.

[Cephalopod]

dear delias

oh god why. that is horrifying. pouting anus really? omg no please no

love

rojos

Better than weeping.

[Androidpk]

Dear 3500 calories I eat in any given day,

Keep on rocking.

- 145 pound dude.

I wish I could eat that many calories a day. I probably only get a 1/3 of that, either I never have an appetite or I just forget to eat. :(

[Bobmuhthol]

I might be exaggerating but I drink like 500-600+ calories per day in Mountain Dew and I'll occasionally eat a quad stacker / 3 double cheeseburgers + an iced coffee at Burger King. I've also made the mistake of eating a triple Baconator at Wendy's.

[Cephalopod]

Dear 3500 calories I eat in any given day,

Keep on rocking.

- 145 pound dude.

This worked for me until I turned about 25. Ugh. :(

[Androidpk]

I might be exaggerating but I drink like 500-600+ calories per day in Mountain Dew and I'll occasionally eat a quad stacker / 3 double cheeseburgers + an iced coffee at Burger King. I've also made the mistake of eating a triple Baconator at Wendy's.

The mountain dew I could handle. Fast food however leaves me body almost as fast as it enters it..

I need a pill or something that will increase my appetite. I heard quitting smoking cigs is supposed to increase it but the opposite happened for me, I feel like eating less than ever now.

[Gnome Rage]

Dear High Sodium NOT healthy Kids Soup,

I love you.

Your new host for the next 6-8 hours,
GR.

[Wyrmx]

To that Jackass driving below the speed limit in the left lane,
Move the fuck over asswipe!
Thanks for the morning road rage...

[AnticorRifling]

To all my users that don't understand they can add content (even after multiple coachings by more than one person) to the collaboration site I built and instead email me asking me to make their changes/uploads. Please fornicate with a pine cone covered in fire.

[CrystalTears]

Dear retarded coworkers in CA,

How about you use all that scrutiny you do to the program we designed for you on the requirements you send us in the first place? It would save so much time. Now we have to "fix" a bunch of bullshit that you overlooked during your user acceptance testing. What's the point of unit testing if you're not fucking testing it? You people suck. Seriously.

Love me,
One pissed off and annoyed product business manager

[pabstblueribbon]

Dear Parker Fittings,

Your shit is fucking expensive. How am I supposed to explain 3 grand in fittings to my boss?

Your perpetually ass-sore customer,
Bendy-Over

[AnticorRifling]

Tell him sometimes you gotta drop a pretty penny on a nice new o-ring.

[Androidpk]

Dear retarded self,

I am very disappointed in you (me). You keep on sleeping with your ex gf even though you know she is bat shit crazy and a cunt. Please start seeing other girls. I believe in you pal, you can do it!

-J

[Androidpk]

Tell him sometimes you gotta drop a pretty penny on a nice new o-ring.

Tell that to NASA.

[Parker]

Dear Parker Fittings,

Your shit is fucking expensive. How am I supposed to explain 3 grand in fittings to my boss?

Your perpetually ass-sore customer,
Bendy-Over

This made me laugh. My family owns that company. ;)

[iJin]

Dear Extremely Good-Looking Co-Worker From Another Store ATM,

I know you are at my store right now, opening and being cute. I just want you to know that even though we will never work together again--I still find you very cute.




And given the chance I would screw your brains out and trap you in my bed for years to come.

Love,
"Jennifer."

[pabstblueribbon]

Tell him sometimes you gotta drop a pretty penny on a nice new o-ring.

Double whammy!

Oh, and I got the numbers down to a grand. Go me.

[Killer Kitten]

Dear Psycho ex-business partner,
Thank you for the absolute worst summer of my life. The way you drove all the volunteers away and waltzed out when there were 140 cats in the shelter was masterful. Then that inspired stroke of genius where you shut off every website we used for adoptions and stole the PayPal account... That was REALLY amazingly well done, but paled in comparison to the next six weeks, when you booked in 40-50 cats to enter the shelter each week.

THEN, after I finally get the cats down to a reasonable number, have some funds in the bank, get some volunteers to help and get moved into the new building... THEN the drooling idiot who calls himself a Humane Officer shows up, raids my building, steals my cats, forces me to spend the funds on a lawyer and shuts me down for over a month - and I find out YOU were the one behind that whole business.

I hope you climb into my skanky, cat-poop-filled dumpster and end up dumped into the trash truck and compacted.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

[Delias]

Dear Psycho ex-business partner,
Thank you for the absolute worst summer of my life. The way you drove all the volunteers away and waltzed out when there were 140 cats in the shelter was masterful. Then that inspired stroke of genius where you shut off every website we used for adoptions and stole the PayPal account... That was REALLY amazingly well done, but paled in comparison to the next six weeks, when you booked in 40-50 cats to enter the shelter each week.

THEN, after I finally get the cats down to a reasonable number, have some funds in the bank, get some volunteers to help and get moved into the new building... THEN the drooling idiot who calls himself a Humane Officer shows up, raids my building, steals my cats, forces me to spend the funds on a lawyer and shuts me down for over a month - and I find out YOU were the one behind that whole business.

I hope you climb into my skanky, cat-poop-filled dumpster and end up dumped into the trash truck and compacted.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

You know what you need? A dog.

[Back]

Dear Extremely Good-Looking Co-Worker From Another Store ATM,

I know you are at my store right now, opening and being cute. I just want you to know that even though we will never work together again--I still find you very cute.




And given the chance I would screw your brains out and trap you in my bed for years to come.

Love,
"Jennifer."

Hot. If its so wrong why does it feel so good?

[4a6c1]

Dear Psycho ex-business partner,
Thank you for the absolute worst summer of my life. The way you drove all the volunteers away and waltzed out when there were 140 cats in the shelter was masterful. Then that inspired stroke of genius where you shut off every website we used for adoptions and stole the PayPal account... That was REALLY amazingly well done, but paled in comparison to the next six weeks, when you booked in 40-50 cats to enter the shelter each week.

THEN, after I finally get the cats down to a reasonable number, have some funds in the bank, get some volunteers to help and get moved into the new building... THEN the drooling idiot who calls himself a Humane Officer shows up, raids my building, steals my cats, forces me to spend the funds on a lawyer and shuts me down for over a month - and I find out YOU were the one behind that whole business.

I hope you climb into my skanky, cat-poop-filled dumpster and end up dumped into the trash truck and compacted.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

phone number, name, info. i will put her on every spam list in the WORLD. we can ruin her life. or at least her phone. bwahahaha. BWAHAHAHA. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Stry]

Dear Mother in-law,

I wanted to let you know that your pepto bismol pink outfit today was simply atrocious. Do you realize there are other colors in the world? In reality people wear neutral colors that do not scar retinas and perhaps the occasional blaring bright pink shoe lace or lettering on a sweater is considered appropriate.

Let me reiterate: Head to toe pink is just not right. It was raining at your grandson's football game and yet you could be picked out of the crowd at 1500 yards and looking directly at you requires a surgeon generals warning due to possible blindness.

May I also mention a few more pointers:

-When not wearing bright pink, draping oneself entirely in maroon crushed velvet and going out in public is also not acceptable in normal society.

- Eyeliner is not to replace the inch of skin around your eyeballs.


And try to hold a job down longer than 2 weeks? Please?

Your loving son-in-law...

[Methais]

Dear Psycho ex-business partner,
Thank you for the absolute worst summer of my life. The way you drove all the volunteers away and waltzed out when there were 140 cats in the shelter was masterful. Then that inspired stroke of genius where you shut off every website we used for adoptions and stole the PayPal account... That was REALLY amazingly well done, but paled in comparison to the next six weeks, when you booked in 40-50 cats to enter the shelter each week.

THEN, after I finally get the cats down to a reasonable number, have some funds in the bank, get some volunteers to help and get moved into the new building... THEN the drooling idiot who calls himself a Humane Officer shows up, raids my building, steals my cats, forces me to spend the funds on a lawyer and shuts me down for over a month - and I find out YOU were the one behind that whole business.

I hope you climb into my skanky, cat-poop-filled dumpster and end up dumped into the trash truck and compacted.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Kill her.

[4a6c1]

dear sunday

i love/hate you. i love that you represent the beginning of my off days but hate that with you comes: less sleep, guaranteed 48 hours of cram studytime, hermitting myself somewhere to finish everything on time, not seeing real people for 2 days, caffeine twitches, taurine, purple elephants and falling asleep on my calculator only to wake up to the reality that no...i havent finished anything that was only a dream damnit.

your worshipful but angry servant for all time,

robin

[ViridianAsp]

Dear Omahan Husker Fans,


Please stop asking me if I'm a fan yet, I hate football and even if I did like football, I would not cheer for your mediocre team. When I say no, stop replying with, "You'll be one, soon enough.", because I won't. Also, stop showing hour long highlight shows about games, and then between the highlights show players answering stupid questions like about their favorite colors and what they like to eat. How could you possibly care?

Stop asking me if I saw the game, because, as I said before, I don't like football. I know it's really the only team you have to cling to seeing as you have no professional NFL team, but they suck.

Respectfully,


A former Californian.

[Gnome Rage]

Dear empty package of bacon,

Your insides were delicious.

With Love,

GR.

[Sean of the Thread]

Dear idiot at the factory,

Not only did your negligence cause a man to be nearly killed when four 250lb glass windows hit him on the head than crashed onto him on the floor with three breaking... luckily on his thighs and not his head or he would be dead. Broke three vertebrae and missed work monday since he's in a halo recovering.

But and it's not the injured guys fault however you just cost all of us our $600 no injury resulting in missing a day afterward bonus and reset the three month counter to the next. Kiss my ass fuck face.

And I like (because he's built like a freight train and helps me lift some seriously heavy ass shit not because I'm gay *wanted to beat you fucks to it) that short stocky guy that got injured. I don't like your negligent cock smoking fuck face.


~Sean

***Post script... nobody is talking to this douche I bet he quits.

[Bobmuhthol]

My Dearest Potential Employer,

You have had plenty of time to review resumes. You are interviewing in one week and sign ups are supposed to start tomorrow. It would be nice if you would actually make a fucking decision. Fuck.

Yours truly,
The guy that already heard back from another company with the same timeline.

[AnticorRifling]

Dear applicant,

In this market it's not about you.

S/F
Whatever company Bob wants to hear from.

[Cap'nDrak]

Dear Snotty-ass Over-privilaged Asshole co-worker,

I truely and most profoundly don't give a fuck what you did in your life prior to working here. I do care that you screw up my day constantly with your stupidity and failure at prioritizing.

Sincerely,
That guy that is going to run over you with his truck.

XoXoX- From the front grill with love.

[CrystalTears]

Dear product that I am the business manager for,

I fucking hate you. Your code sucks. Actually the language in which you were written sucks. It's full of bugs that our poor developers cannot figure out. I wish our so-called CTO knew WTF he was doing and didn't ask that a consumer product be made from a language that sucks, evident in our sucky internal application. That was a really bright idea. Not. I'll need to write him his own ass-chewing-out letter.

Sincerely,
The still pissed off business manager

[AnticorRifling]

It could be worse, it could be written in RPG...Kill me.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear street that my office is on,

Please, for the love of god, stop smelling like hot garbage and piss in the mornings. The worst part of my morning is walking down you to get to my building and being assaulted by your pungent odors. I'm sure no one else who has to traverse you appreciates it, either.

KTHX,
Nikki

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Tuesday Maintenance,

I know you're going to happen on Tuesday. I'm ok with it because it means very little surprise downtime and I understand the magnitude of the environment that's needed for a 12million player base. I realize weekly maintenance is a good thing in regards to smooth operation, PM is always preferred to RM (preventative maintenance vs reactive maintenance). BUT HOLY FUCK IM BORED AT WORK TODAY AND WANT TO KILL SOME SHIT.

Signed,
WoW player that isn't all OMG I PAY FOR THIS WHY IS IT DOWN DERP DERP DERP

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Anticor,

I heard that Magic: the Gathering is available to play online.

love
Latrinsorm

[AnticorRifling]

Latrinsorm,

Thank you for this viable and exciting option to my sate my current gaming desires. Where would one find out more about this wonderful game?!

S/F
Anticor

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Anticor,

What, I'm not dear to you? All I am to you is just another source for MMO information? I can't believe you! I hope I NEVER see you again, and YES that means you are DE-INVITED from my super sweet 16.

It's not me, it's you, and your horribly callous nature.

From the bottom of my broken heart,

Latrinsorm

p.s. I want my Kelly Clarkson mix tape back.

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear Potential Employer,

You have apparently listened to my concerns and have made your move. Unfortunately for me, your decision was to simply push the sign up date to Friday instead of tomorrow and give yourself more time; the interview date is still Tuesday, though.

Thanks a bunch,
Your hopeful bro

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Anticor,

What, I'm not dear to you? All I am to you is just another source for MMO information? I can't believe you! I hope I NEVER see you again, and YES that means you are DE-INVITED from my super sweet 16.

It's not me, it's you, and your horribly callous nature.

From the bottom of my broken heart,

Latrinsorm

p.s. I want my Kelly Clarkson mix tape back.

Bi-Polar Latrinsorm,

Whatevah!

I didn't want to go to your super lame party anyway. Besides that "mix tape" you made was just you holding the recorder up to the radio. If that's all the effort you're going to put in to this I'm so out of here.

PS I still need the info on that Magic The Gathering Online Game it sounds super kick ass.

S/F
I'm not even signing this so in your face!!!1one (angry face)

[Atlanteax]

Dear Psycho ex-business partner,
Thank you for the absolute worst summer of my life. The way you drove all the volunteers away and waltzed out when there were 140 cats in the shelter was masterful. Then that inspired stroke of genius where you shut off every website we used for adoptions and stole the PayPal account... That was REALLY amazingly well done, but paled in comparison to the next six weeks, when you booked in 40-50 cats to enter the shelter each week.

THEN, after I finally get the cats down to a reasonable number, have some funds in the bank, get some volunteers to help and get moved into the new building... THEN the drooling idiot who calls himself a Humane Officer shows up, raids my building, steals my cats, forces me to spend the funds on a lawyer and shuts me down for over a month - and I find out YOU were the one behind that whole business.

I hope you climb into my skanky, cat-poop-filled dumpster and end up dumped into the trash truck and compacted.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Do this...

http://i30.tinypic.com/t9zlsl.jpg

[B4Hand]

Dear Empty House,

Thank you for holding the delicious dinner I cooked, that sits on the table getting cold. Might I also praise you for the ability to keep everyone's shoes in a pile at the front door for me to trip over. Lastly, please remember at some point to lock the people who live here inside, as to be quite honest it's lonely in here.

thanks,

The Mom.

[Jhynnifer]

Dear Cop who gave me a ticket,

Perhaps you are unaware of the fact driving up steep hills requires you to use additional speed and can often take a few seconds to re-adjust once you are on a flat surface again. Take your 6-mile over the speed limit ticket and shove it up that clenched ass of yours where I am sure you are currently producing diamonds from.

[4a6c1]

Dear Chick who I just gave a ticket to,

I was really hoping you would show me some titties to get out of that ticket. Oh well. Thanks for paying extra taxes.

The cop on the hill.

[NocturnalRob]

Dear Complaining Neighbor,

I made shrimp and pea risotto last night, and thought it turned out very well. Imagine my surprise when building management showed up to inform me that a complaint had been lodged against me due to "a seafood smell" emanating from my apartment. I can only assume this complaint originated from the neighbors who smoke bad weed all hours of the day and pollute the hallway and my apartment with the smell of seedy pot.

However, sir, your plan has back-fired. The complaint has been expunged as a result of a risotto bribe. A counter-complaint has been filed. Please enjoy explaining your "garden" today when management follows up on this complaint.

Warmest regards and a steaming pile of shit,

This guy

P.S. I can't wait until you ask me for help moving out of your apartment.

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear Raytheon,

Now that I won't be working for you, I can tell you how retarded it was to make me wait this long.

But I did get a surprise interview today from a major financial firm so whatevs!

Catch you later,
Your bro

[Clove]

Dear Vet Hospital,

Pepto-bismol does not cost 5 dollars a mg.

kthx,

Clove

[Darkwynde]

Dear thinkseveryoneshouldknowyoubynow,

Your acting really is sub-par. I cannot believe I had p.a.'s have to sober you up in a frakking cemetery at the crack of dawn because you still smelled of seriously cheap alcohol. I also cannot believe you get paid what you do, say what you do in interviews and STILL come on to me even though I am the f***ing Producer. :club: :club: :club:

[Back]

"a seafood smell" emanating from my apartment

Are you sure they weren’t talking about your “catch of the day/night/skank you picked up last night”?

[Back]

Dear Rojo Disco,

I do not like your current avatar on October 28th, 2010 at 12am. Change it back to something more sexeh like a naked woman with a Darth Vader Helmet or Tank Girl. Theres a good girl.

Your stalker. B nice.

[Celephais]

Dear thinkseveryoneshouldknowyoubynow

The irony of this made me laugh. ... who are you?

[NocturnalRob]

Are you sure they weren’t talking about your “catch of the day/night/skank you picked up last night”?
Seriously? That's what you come up with? This coming from someone who got the ass-end of the genetic lottery. I'm extremely hurt. Truly.

edit: Oh, and go flush yourself, you tiny turd.

[4a6c1]

Dear Rojo Disco,

I do not like your current avatar on October 28th, 2010 at 12am. Change it back to something more sexeh like a naked woman with a Darth Vader Helmet or Tank Girl. Theres a good girl.

Your stalker. B nice.

1)UM.

2)NO.

3)TEA.

[Back]

Seriously? That's what you come up with? This coming from someone who got the ass-end of the genetic lottery. I'm extremely hurt. Truly.

edit: Oh, and go flush yourself, you tiny turd.

Hilarious! From someone who supposedly got the ass-end of the genetic lottery I thought my comment was pretty fucking funny. Oh, well. I guess people who got the ass-end in the brain department could not appreciate the humor.

[B4Hand]

The irony of this made me laugh. ... who are you?

I know who she is...

[NocturnalRob]

Hilarious! From someone who supposedly got the ass-end of the genetic lottery I thought my comment was pretty fucking funny. Oh, well. I guess people who got the ass-end in the brain department could not appreciate the humor.
You compare a seafood smell from shrimp risotto to (I'm assuming) the "seafood smell" of a woman's crotch, and that's what passes for humor? Good one.

Seriously, you're sad.

[Back]

You compare a seafood smell from shrimp risotto to (I'm assuming) the "seafood smell" of a woman's crotch, and that's what passes for humor? Good one.

Seriously, you're sad.

Holy Jesus, dude. Can’t take a joke?

Your mom thought it was funny.

[Darkwynde]

I am just me. And oh aye, B4Hand knows me. Muah ha ha ha ha. Just a film chick turned author chick who plays only ONE character in GSIV because playing too many would freak her out. No big deal.

Dear lord, I am talking about me in third person. Ugh.

[diethx]

He was probably looking for a name, rather than an autobiography.

[B4Hand]

Dear Film Friend,

Do not be scared of the PC. We are often times a bit rough around the edges. Just have to sort of wear our "big girl" panties so that erm...just be tough!

ME!

[Lolleia]

Dear big ass tree outside my window,
When the hell did you get this big? Seriously, your big floppy branches have been banging on my window all night. This is a serious problem tree. I hate to inform you of this but as soon as it's 8 am I am calling the tree cutter and having your branches cut off.

Sincerely,
The unhappy woman who had to spend all night convincing a 5 year old that we were not being attacked by aliens/werewolves/ninjas.

[Delias]

Dear B4hand's Film Friend,

I have no idea who you are, but I can tell you are already far more successful in the film world than I am ever likely to be. Congratulations.

Delias

P.S.- Know that I hate you, but not on a personal level. Love and Kisses.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear hair,

For the love of god, grow a little faster. You're at that awkward stage where I'm torn between just toughing it out and using bobby pins, and running to a salon and getting you chopped back up into another short pixie cut. Plz grow to where I want you as soon as possible.

Love,
Nikki

[Warriorbird]

The Open Letters Thread 10-28-2010 11:57 AM LOL at you with a long distance relationship. Better to keep them far away, huh?

Right along the line with you being too scared to sign your rep. Sometimes adult people travel places for work. You should consider stepping out of the basement sometimes yourself to prevent the whole "die alone" bit.

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/060108/the-game-that-never-ends.gif

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Right along the line with you being too scared to sign your rep. Sometimes adult people travel places for work. You should consider stepping out of the basement sometimes yourself to prevent the whole "die alone" bit.

This is wrong, everyone knows that in a healthy relationship you never go anywhere or do anything without your boyfriend or girlfriend RIGHT THERE, by your side.

[Warriorbird]

Right, right. I should be insisting on the Southern Baptist 'three paces behind me' rule. I'm sure it'd go over well.

Apparently some azns dig it too.

http://project.soup.io/post/44903607/51-I-like-a-woman-who-follows

[Lolleia]

Dear tree mentioned earlier,
The tree people have recommended that you be removed completely. Your little shenanigins last night have cost you your life. Please don't take this personally, I really liked you but you might fall on me and maim me in my sleep.

Sincerely,
The lady who won't have to worry about your big goofy ass again.

[Darkwynde]

Dear Diethx,

My autobio would make his head explode. That was my name in long form after forty translations from the original Aramaic.

Dear Delias,

I snuggle with you freely if it makes the hate ease. To avoid B4Hand Film Friend stuff, we can simply revise the name to... erm, Darkie, no Wyndie, gah, since those suck, just call me Aura.


:hug2:
Aura

[Darkwynde]

Dearest Time,

For the love of all that is holy..... STOP.

[NocturnalRob]

Dear Applications,

Please finish yourselves. I find your questions repetitious. I find your essays time-consuming and pedantic. I find your fees outrageously high.

Trying to balance you with work is beginning to tear into my precious TV time. I implore you to consider self-completion.

With weary regards,

RLJ

[Delias]

Dear Diethx,

My autobio would make his head explode. That was my name in long form after forty translations from the original Aramaic.

Dear Delias,

I snuggle with you freely if it makes the hate ease. To avoid B4Hand Film Friend stuff, we can simply revise the name to... erm, Darkie, no Wyndie, gah, since those suck, just call me Aura.


:hug2:
Aura

You will be D.W., and I will think of Darkwing Duck every time I call you that. It's win-win. Also, does snuggling involve my crotch in some way, or is it improper to ask that at so early a juncture?

Edit: Not that I have any sort of fantasies involving Darkwing Duck.
Edit2: Seriously. I don't.

[radamanthys]

Dear asshole in NYC who stole my camera from the bar,

I didn't really give a shit about the camera, but couldn't you have left the goddamned memory card or something? Those pictures (and movies) were worth a hojillion words.

Love,
Rada

[ViridianAsp]

Dear Cold,


Could you please stop coming at the same time EVERY YEAR? I would like to have a Halloween where I don't feel like shit. I would also appreciate it if you don't develop into tonsillitis like you have in the past three, the Doctor says at the first sign of it, he's taking them out. While I would love that to happen, I don't have the time for it. So please, do me the favor of just passing swiftly and please, for the love of god, don't get anyone else sick in the house. I just can't deal with that right now, either.

Signed your favorite carrier,

S.

[CrystalTears]

Why haven't you taken them out? Fourth time's the charm?

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Body,

I've decided there should be less of you. So this is your eviction notice. Not that you been nice and cozy and all. I give you until I get my stitches out to take care of yourself, or I'm going to have to call the fat police.

Love,

Typical White Female.

[iJin]

Dear Life,

Zzzzzzzz....

-J

[Parker]

Dear crazy SuperPlague virus that I seem to have contracted from some pit of suffering and hell.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd kill me, rather than leave me in this place of agony, muscle spasms, cold and hot flashes, sweats, fever dreams, coughing, hacking, puking, and evacuations of my soul out through my rectum.

Your hopeful mortal victim,

Parker

In hindsight, I suppose it's possible that early menopause is setting in.

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Programmer who always wears clothes from 1983,

You're fucking awesome and you don't even know it. Every day it's like VH-1 remember the 80s up in here and it makes me smile.

[Gnome Rage]

Wasn't it...

http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/7a4dd960d640c7fb7ac763bbceb00f02/811721.jpg

[Jhynnifer]

Dear knot in the middle of my back,

Please go away, no one likes you. Your presence here is interrupting my life and making it even more difficult to deal with the stupid people I work with.

Sincerely,
~In pain.

[Delias]

Dear The Sun,

You are one irritating mother fucker. Get the fuck over to asia already and let me sleep.

Hatred for you infuses every fiber of my being.

Hate always,
Daytime sleeper.

[ViridianAsp]

Why haven't you taken them out? Fourth time's the charm?

Well, nowadays they don't seem to like to take them out. Last winter I couldn't get it done, my son was with me at the ER and my fiance was in California getting his kids. Being new in Omaha, I didn't know anyone within a one hundred mile radius who could have taken care of him while they took them out.


Now? If it happens, it happens and I get them taken out, I'm just not looking forward to the loss of time at school and work.

[Latrinsorm]

Dear black-out shades,

I like you do you like me circle one:

YES NO

-Latrinsorm

(DON'T WRITE IN MAYBE AND CIRCLE IT. DON'T BE THAT GUY.)

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear black-out shades,

I like you do you like me circle one:
............_________
YES NO | KIND OF |
............----------
-Latrinsorm

(DON'T WRITE IN MAYBE AND CIRCLE IT. DON'T BE THAT GUY.)


.

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Nikki,

Thanks for waiting until I washed my eye makeup off before making me cry and sob uncontrollably, it would have been pretty annoying to have black streaks down my face and hands.

Dehydratedly,

Latrinsorm

p.s. CURSES! /mojojojo

[4a6c1]

Dear deer temperpedic pillow.
You make me wide-eyed like headlights to think of you.
I love you 4 reals.
Mmmm, *shakespeare sonnets shakespeare sonnets*
Yeah. All of that. See you soon. Sometime. Hopefully.

R

[Delias]

Dear bitchface:

I know that you are dumping this extra work off on me because you were too busy watching twilight: new moon again at work to do your fucking job. Thank you for the large pile of paper and deadline less than a week away. Please note, I will be initially each page just so you can't take credit for it.

Die in a fucking fire you fat cunt
Love Always,
Firestarter.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear Brain,

I need to wake up early tomorrow to go tour an apartment so that hopefully I am not stuck moving around the same time as Thanksgiving. I need you to be a peach and not keep me awake until 4 am. I know you think insomnia is lulztastic but it's really not. REALLY.

Thanks,
Nikki

[Warriorbird]

Dear chihuahua and beagle that woke the dogs up at 3 AM who then woke me up at 3 AM and were all happy when driven home,

Fuck you. You better not come back.

me

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Dear Tourist Assholes,

It's awesome that this is your first time in Boston. Really, I'm happy that you get to see our awesome city. But listen.. I'm sure back in Bumfuck, North Dakota or wherever the fuck you guys are from, it doesn't matter if you block the sidewalk, block doorways, and then block people's cars while standing around. But in places with populations greater than 500, it matters and makes those of us who just want to get our coffee and bagel and get out want to punch you in your face. Grow a god damn brain. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Nikki

[Gnome Rage]

Dear Roomate,

I know you're pissed at me. You did this the same time last year with our other friend. When I ask you whats wrong, tell me damn it or I'm going to stop fucking asking. Your biggest complaint last year was how "she handled it" and how she never asked you directly what was wrong so she could fix it. Well I fucking have so tell me right the fuck now... and stop sleeping with the fucking window open its like 10 degrees at night.

GR.

[pabstblueribbon]

Dear Roomate,

I know you're pissed at me. You did this the same time last year with our other friend. When I ask you whats wrong, tell me damn it or I'm going to stop fucking asking. Your biggest complaint last year was how "she handled it" and how she never asked you directly what was wrong so she could fix it. Well I fucking have so tell me right the fuck now... and stop sleeping with the fucking window open its like 10 degrees at night.

GR.

Stop GS'ing on the toilet you insensitive clod.

[Gnome Rage]

Stop GS'ing on the toilet you insensitive clod.

Totally not the same roommate that saw me bring my computer out of the bathroom. Though she knows about it, this one is my actual friend which is why I'm roar

[Keller]

Dear GoP house,

America expects you to delivery each and every promise you've made this election cycle.

To the extent you don't, fine Americans everywhere will make shitty political cartoons for Atlanteaux to post.

Thanks,
Keller

[peam]

Dear My Ears,

I am not two years old. Stop getting infected. Seriously, what the fuck?

Regards,
P

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Peam,

Maybe wash and dry us you filthy hippy bastard.

Regards,

Your ears

[CrystalTears]

Dear California,

Crack off the U.S. and float away. Better yet, sink into the ocean and take your residents with you. Leave my family and friends in Nevada so that they can gamble and celebrate.

Love,
Me

[AnticorRifling]

Hydrocodone,

You were a mistake before work and I want to sleep in my cubicle.

Fuck you.

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Dear unfashionable fat people,

Yes the weather outside is getting cold, however this is not license for you to break out your kids sweater and try to squeeze your twelve rolls of fat inside it. Sweaters only hide fat when they are too big. Try shopping in the maternity section.

No hugs and kisses for fear of getting donut glaze on my clothes,
Bill "Not skinny, but doesn't dress like he's going to hulk out of his shirt either"

[Androidpk]

Dear fellow classmates in my history class,

Why are you all so fucking stupid? I know it is a 100's level class and most of you are probably freshman, but still. You all should have learned this material in high school already. Your actions today in our "class discussion" on the origins of the african trade slave system made me want to gouge out my eyeballs. I take no pleasure in the fact that I made it obvious that most of you are inept and brain dead. And to the hot bimbo that made the retarded statement about racism being the cause of our military being over in afghanistan...keep your mouth shut. Or at least put a dick in it so you can't speak.

Love always,
J

[Gnome Rage]

You haven't realized yet that 90% of college students didn't retain anything they learned in high school because they didn't think they'd need it?

[Androidpk]

True. I guess I set myself up for failure in expecting a semi-intelligent discussion.

[iJin]

Dear Androidpk,

I'm J.

Love,
J.

[Killer Kitten]

Dear Joe,
I am going to sue the living shit out of you, the piece of shit agency you work for, your mental midget of a partner and that blonde sow you call a CEO.

And, yes, it was me that flipped you off on Market Street today and laid on my horn till you saw my upraised middle finger waving out of my car. If I ever catch you alone anywhere I will run my car up and down over you until there is nothing left but a dent in my fender and a smear on the sidewalk.

Get lucky the only way you can. (In case you're too stupid to understand this means GO FUCK YOURSELF. Preferably with a double sided sandpaper condom.)

[Gnome Rage]

Dear man who called my phone at 7am,

She gave you the wrong number. Why would you call this bitch at 7am? learn English better. Train yourself to speak without an accent. Your spanglish was atrocious to my ears. Don't read me my own number, I know what it is. This bitch gave you the WRONG NUMBER. get the fuck over it. Also, learn how to turn down your fucking music when making a phone call. I don't need to hear your bullshit reggeton when I have just woken up to YOU CALLING ME.

Fuck you,
GR

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Joe,
I am going to sue the living shit out of you, the piece of shit agency you work for, your mental midget of a partner and that blonde sow you call a CEO.

And, yes, it was me that flipped you off on Market Street today and laid on my horn till you saw my upraised middle finger waving out of my car. If I ever catch you alone anywhere I will run my car up and down over you until there is nothing left but a dent in my fender and a smear on the sidewalk.

Get lucky the only way you can. (In case you're too stupid to understand this means GO FUCK YOURSELF. Preferably with a double sided sandpaper condom.)

I want back story naow!

[Androidpk]

Dear Androidpk,

I'm J.

Love,
J.

Dear Other J. I knew there was something special about you.

Love,
The other J.

[CrystalTears]

Dear GR,

First, why are you answering your phone at 7am? L2CallerID. Secondly, once you realize it's a wrong number call, hang up. Why are you arguing with them?

Signed,
The Original J. :tongue:

[iJin]

Dear J's,

FUUUU.


-J.

P.S I need ibuprofen J's.

[Gnome Rage]

Dear GR,

First, why are you answering your phone at 7am? L2CallerID. Secondly, once you realize it's a wrong number call, hang up. Why are you arguing with them?

Signed,
The Original J. :tongue:


DEAR ORIGINAL J,

I have to answer my phone because no one knows how to leave a voice mail apparently and I've missed important calls in the past few days (having to do with doctors appointments, volunteering, on campus stuff...) so generally I figure anyone calling early has to be something like that, not some Puerto Rican who can't speak English, you're here legally, leave now and come back when you learn to speak English...

anyways, at first I couldn't hear him like, at all so I wasn't sure if it was important and then by the time I figured out what was going on I was awake, and pissed so I just kind of said mean things...

Love
GR.

[Delias]

Dear J's:

stfu before I f u in the a.

Signed-
I can use letters too, motherfucker.

[CrystalTears]

Dear Delias,

I'd rather you B your L on someone else's T's.

Signed,
CT

[NocturnalRob]

Dear Delias,

I'd rather you B your L on someone else's T's.

Signed,
CT
Dear CT,

skeet skeet skeet

that is all.

BmyL-fully yours,
Robert

[Androidpk]

I'd rather you beat your log on someone else's tits?

[CrystalTears]

I'd rather you blow your load on someone else's tits?;P

[NocturnalRob]

I'd rather you beat your log on someone else's tits?
Please go rent Forgetting Sarah Marshall immediately.

[iJin]

Dear septum piercing,

I hate you gave me a cold. Get well at a better rate pls.


-J

[Parker]

I'd like to say I didn't call it, but I did.

[Hips]

Dear septum piercing,

I hate you gave me a cold. Get well at a better rate pls.


-J

Dear Jin,

We told you not to get a septum piercing.

Love,
Your facebook friends

[Rinualdo]

Dear Keith Olbermann,

Enjoy your hiatus. (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40028929/ns/politics-decision_2010/)

Love,
Fox News

[Atlanteax]

Dear Keith Olbermann,

Enjoy your hiatus. (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40028929/ns/politics-decision_2010/)

Love,
Fox News

Wow, self-pwnt?

[Clove]

Dear Personal Trainer,

I don't want to talk to you. I just want to get on that treadmill and run someplace warm and dry. What are my goals? My goals are to fuck a personal trainer. Think you can help me out with that? No? Okay then. Back to running.

Love,

Me

[Clove]

Dear Monday,

Fuck you. Fuck your snow.

Ciao,

Clove

[Darkwynde]

Dear Madamwhosaidthefollowingwithafrenchaccent,

"You MUST like me to write me wonderful in a good film. You MUST."

No, no I really don't. If you keep getting on my nerves your character will DIE. Leave me alone and burn my contact information.

[Delias]

Dear Round Shoe laces,
Why the fuck won't you stay tied, when tied in a single knot? I have no wish to double-knot you, but if you continue like this, you will force my hand.

Love,
the guy who has to tie his shoe every hour.

[Killer Kitten]

Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for dumping 7 cats outside the shelter in the rain today. Now that they're all soaking wet and sneezing I'm going to have a great deal of fun trying to keep them from getting the rest of the shelter sick.
And those vet records you provided where you carefully tore your last name off the papers? You left the hospital name and date on there so I will be finding your ass and by tomorrow evening your 7 sick cats will be back in your fucking house where they belong.
If you bothered to actually call or visit you'd know that we did not have room for 7 adult cats. Nor do I have the ability to make a pocket in space and time to create room for them. If I had those powers I'd stick my fat ass in there so I could fit into skinny jeans.
Love and kisses,
Overworked shelter person
PS And you could have left some kind of donation besides half a bag of Wal-Mart Brand Cat Food. Let me get right on getting that into the feeders, because my day is NOT complete without cleaning up mountains of cat puke.

[Killer Kitten]

Dear Killer Kitten,
Start smoking dope again or something. You're developing serious anger issues.
KK

[Delias]

Dear Killer Kitten,
Seriously, talking about nothing but cats is getting fucking old. We get it. You give all the helpless kittens your time, money, and effort. You know how much they appreciate it? Not at all, because cats are dicks.

Love
Delias

[Nilandia]

Dear hot apple cider and gingerbread,

Please come back soon.

Love,

Gretchen

[Darkwynde]

Dear Mt. Dew,

Don't ever change.

Buzz, buzz....

[CrystalTears]

Dear throat,

Stop being a sore motherfucker. I don't have time for your bullshit. When I wake up in the morning I want it FIXED!

Love,
CT who doesn't have time to be sick

[Ceyrin]

Dear Credit Reporting Agencies,

We're all tired of your circumventing discrimination laws by providing an easy method for faceless corporations to tell other faceless corporations that a particular individual isn't deserving of a job, a home, or a loan.

Sincerely,
The Middle Class

[Darkwynde]

Dear Whiner on the phone with me right now,

Do, please, shut up before I pretend a bad connection cut us off.

With a modicum of respect,
DW

[Ceyrin]

Dear Darkwynde,

Please stop looking at me like that. I already feel guilty enough as it is.

Sincerely,
Ceyrin's Concience

[Ceyrin]

Dear Illiterate Fucktards,

Please stop writing open letters if you aren't going to use the proper tense throughout the entire thing.

Sincerely,
Internet Grammar Police

[Gnome Rage]

Dear College e-mail system,

upload my fucking document you prostitute!

love,
GR

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Greg Oden's Knees,

Really? REALLY??

Sincerely,
The Foundation for Give Greg Oden a Break Already, For Crying Out Loud

[4a6c1]

Dear The. Worst. Teacher. Ever.

Do you really want to be that guy?! That one single guy who was all like I NEVER GIVE A's TO ANYONE BLAH BLAH. What the fuck is your problem. I spend all my goddamn free time finishing your bullshit extra credit problems AND I have even demonstrated I can put these rules to use in my other class AND wrote you an unasked for paper to prove it. You're a shit teacher and slave driver. Fuck you. I'm leaving you a bad review on ratemyprofessors.com. (as soon as I get my final grade.)

Contrarily yours

R

[Paradii]

Dear The. Worst. Teacher. Ever.

Do you really want to be that guy?! That one single guy who was all like I NEVER GIVE A's TO ANYONE BLAH BLAH. What the fuck is your problem. I spend all my goddamn free time finishing your bullshit extra credit problems AND I have even demonstrated I can put these rules to use in my other class AND wrote you an unasked for paper to prove it. You're a shit teacher and slave driver. Fuck you. I'm leaving you a bad review on ratemyprofessors.com. (as soon as I get my final grade.)

Contrarily yours

R



You know those course evaluation forms that you have to fill out? In a lot of universities, professor salary increased are influenced by those things. FYI.

[Darkwynde]

Dear Illiterate Fucktards,

Please stop writing open letters if you aren't going to use the proper tense throughout the entire thing.

Sincerely,
Internet Grammar Police

Dear IGP,

Is looking at you, all of you, in the present tense. BTW, your participle is dangling.

Snuggles,
DW

[AnticorRifling]

Work,

I know I'm supposed to do stuff with you today but I really don't wanna. Expect me to sit here and drink coffee while I play with my new phone.

[Cephalopod]

Work,

I know I'm supposed to do stuff with you today but I really don't wanna. Expect me to sit here and drink coffee while I play with my new phone.

Be sure to post on the PC from the toilet, the first time you take an extended 'bathroom break' to play with your phone.

[AnticorRifling]

I will.

Also playing angry birds while driving, slightly dangerous.

[4a6c1]

I'm rezzing this fun thread.

Dear lava lamp

Should I get you? Or should I get the super serious chrome lamp made for adults because it's super serious. Chooooices.....

To Be Continued,

Your amazon stalker

[Darkwynde]

I'm rezzing this fun thread.

Dear lava lamp

Should I get you? Or should I get the super serious chrome lamp made for adults because it's super serious. Chooooices.....

To Be Continued,

Your amazon stalker


Dear RojoDisco,

Buy me. Just do it. You know you want me. Chrome sucks and you have to clean it. Me? Just watch me. WATCH ME!

Lava Lamp

[Stanley Burrell]

Dear Master Chief,

You defeated aliens to save your AI girlfriend. But you never battled the armies of Hell itself to recover the decapitated head of your pet bunny.

Pussy,

- Angry video game nerd

[AnticorRifling]

My dearest angry video game nerd,

I will tea bag the head of your decapitated pet bunny. We all know I hand out more tea bags than Lipton.

Yours in combat (and tea bagging),

Master Chief

[Stanley Burrell]

That's accurate.

[TheEschaton]

Dear our resto shaman who has made 1 of the last 9 raid nights,

Show up this week. Please. So we can kill this boss before the 10% nerf.

[4a6c1]

Dear military grade putricant,

hhcchhhkkdkjjjjjjhhhhkkkkkkkugggghhhh

[Bobmuhthol]

Dear Gnome Rage,

I don't think I like you as a person. I think that you make poor behavioral decisions whenever you get the opportunity. If I were blind, I might think you have no value at all.

But, fortunately, I have eyes with which to see you. I draw a few conclusions from what I see. Some of your actions can be excused because of your appearance; others are explained by it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think it's really cool of you to flaunt yo titties (and ass) on the innanetz.

Keep up the good work,
Bobmuhthol

[Liagala]

Translation: I think with the little head, not the big one. You're hot, so it doesn't much matter whether I like you or not. Wanna bang?

[Delias]

Translation: I think with the little head, not the big one. You're hot, so it doesn't much matter whether I like you or not. Wanna bang?

I'm fairly certain he has more money than I do, so he is probably a better choice. I'm willing to bet I'm better in bed, though... just an experience thing.

[diethx]

I dunno Delias, I imagine you'd get all sweaty and huffy (and not in the good way).

[Warriorbird]

I dunno Delias, I imagine you'd get all sweaty and huffy (and not in the good way).

http://www.huffy.com/Default.aspx

[Aylien]

Dear reproductive system,

Rummaging through my leftover prescription box for Vicodin is NOT how I wanted to spend 4:10 this morning. If you stop creating ovarian cysts, they won't feel the need to rupture at inconvenient times. You are the architect of my misery.

Love,
My screaming pain response system.

[Delias]

I dunno Delias, I imagine you'd get all sweaty and huffy (and not in the good way).

I am not a red-face fat guy. I am, however, the "sweats only at his hairline for some reason" kind of guy.
I will admit to being a better lover when I was skinnier. I am working on it.

[diethx]

How is that going, anyway? You haven't mentioned it in awhile, I figured you gave up.

[Delias]

How is that going, anyway? You haven't mentioned it in awhile, I figured you gave up.

I did not- I haven't been running really because it's been fucking hot as balls, but I have still been doing indoor calisthenics... basically the shit you learn in junior high gym class. I'm down to 290 from... I think I was like 325 right around the beginning of the year. So I am doing alright. Once my wife is working again I will be able to afford to renew my gym membership, and then I can run indoors. It's just been too damn hot to do much outside.

Edit: I was weighed just yesterday when they took my blood and urine- nurse came by to do my life insurance required physical stuff.

[Latrinsorm]

If it's too hot to run just walk!

[diethx]

Oh nice, good job!

[Delias]

If it's too hot to run just walk!

Well I do that a lot anyway- my son likes to go for walks and play at the park. When it hits 95+ I basically just refuse to go outside.

[Tgo01]

Well I do that a lot anyway- my son likes to go for walks and play at the park. When it hits 95+ I basically just refuse to go outside.

Heck I refuse to go outside even if it's 80 out, I just walk in my room while watching tv.

[diethx]

Heck I refuse to go outside even if it's 80 out, I just walk in my room while watching tv.

Ahahaha. I hear you there about it being 80+. I would never do any form of exercise outside here from like, April - October. I don't even like walking to my car in this heat.

[4a6c1]

Squishy civilians!!!!! Just kidding. I ran in 110 midday Texas sun yesterday and then paid for it with a headache.

[Delias]

Squishy civilians!!!!! Just kidding. I ran in 110 midday Texas sun yesterday and then paid for it with a headache.

Honestly the humidity is the horrible part. Walking outside here feels like walking into a bowl of soup.

[Androidpk]

I dunno Delias, I imagine you'd get all sweaty and huffy (and not in the good way).

There's a good way?

[Androidpk]

If it's too hot to run just walk!

Walking is pretty useless if you're trying to burn calories/fat.

Also, if it's too hot to run you could always wake up and go for a run early in the morning between 5 and 6.

[Bobmuhthol]

Of course there's a good way. I am a sweaty, huffy man in bed, but it's a product of effort.


Walking is pretty useless if you're trying to burn calories/fat.

How many fat people do you see in major cities relative to suburbs?

[4a6c1]

Walking is pretty useless if you're trying to burn calories/fat.

Also, if it's too hot to run you could always wake up and go for a run early in the morning between 5 and 6.

Meh. Any activity that engages muscles to move is beneficial and helps your metabolism burn more calories from that area.

[Tgo01]

Squishy civilians!!!!! Just kidding. I ran in 110 midday Texas sun yesterday and then paid for it with a headache.

You're more woman than I am, I would have paid for it with a heart attack, heat stroke and third degree burns to 90% of my body (even parts covered by clothing.)

[Androidpk]

Of course there's a good way. I am a sweaty, huffy man in bed, but it's a product of effort.



How many fat people do you see in major cities relative to suburbs?[/COLOR]


1. OK you have a point, sweating via a product of effort could be a good thing I suppose, depending on the activity.

2. Is that a trick question? I see fat people everywhere. I'll have to take note next time I'm back in Boston.

[Latrinsorm]

I don't mean walking like ambling, although even that will work if you do it long enough. Get time of exercise up and results follow. Doing high impact exercise for 5 minutes isn't as good as walking for an hour. Trust me, I'm a doctor from Irelandiana.

Also, I may be the only person in the world who really enjoys humidity for exercise. I even wear a wool hat when I run because I'm hard like that.