Republicans Shouldn't Read This Because They Don't Read Literary Fiction

[Warriorbird]

2005 FAUX FAULKNER WINNER

The Administration and the Fury
If William Faulkner were writing on the Bush White House

By Sam Apple

Down the hall, under the chandelier, I could see them talking. They were walking toward me and Dick's face was white, and he stopped and gave a piece of paper to Rummy, and Rummy looked at the piece of paper and shook his head. He gave the paper back to Dick and Dick shook his head. They disappeared and then they were standing right next to me.

“Georgie's going to walk down to the Oval Office with me,” Dick said.

“I just hope you got him all good and ready this time,” Rummy said.

“Hush now,” Dick said. “This aint no laughing matter. He know lot more than folks think.” Dick patted me on the back good and hard. “Come on now, Georgie,” Dick said. “Never mind you, Rummy.”

We walked down steps to the office. There were paintings of old people on the walls and the room was round like a circle and Condi was sitting on my desk. Her legs were crossed.

“Did you get him ready for the press conference?” Dick said.

“Dont you worry about him. He'll be ready,” Condi said. Condi stood up from the desk. Her legs were long and she smelled like the Xeroxed copies of the information packets they give me each day.

“Hello Georgie,” Condi said. “Did you come to see Condi?” Condi rubbed my hair and it tickled.

“Dont go messing up his hair,” Dick said. “Hes got a press conference in a few minutes.”

Condi wiped some spit on her hand and patted down my hair. Her hand was soft and she smelled like Xerox copies coming right out of the machine. “He looks just fine,” Condi said.

Fine day, isn't it, Georgie, Daddy said. Daddy was pitching horseshoes. Horseshoes flew through the air and it was hot. Jeb looked at me. Stand back or one of his horseshoes is going to hit you and knock you down real good, Jeb said. Jeb threw the horseshoe and it went right over the stick and Daddy clapped. Run and get me that horseshoe, Georgie, Daddy said. I ran and picked up the horseshoe. The metal was hot in my hands, and I held it for a little bit and then I dropped it. I picked it up. It was hot in my hands and I started running away from Daddy and Jeb. Come back with that horseshoe, Daddy said. I was running as fast as I could. Jeb run after him and get me my horseshoe before he throws another one in the river, Daddy hollered. Jeb was chasing after me fast. Come back with that horseshoe, Georgie, Jeb hollered. But I was fast and I kept running until I got to the river. Dont you dare throw that horseshoe in the river, Jeb said. I threw the horseshoe in the river. Jeb fell on the ground. Jeb kicked and cried and then I cried.

“He needs his makeup,” Dick said.

“I'll do it,” Condi said. She put a little brush on my check and it tickled and I laughed.

Rummy walked into the room. “Jesus, what's he laughing about,” Rummy said.

“Dont you pay attention to him, Georgie,” Dick said. “They're going to be asking you all about Social Security. You just remember what we talked about.”

“He cant remember anything,” Rummy said.

I started to holler. Dick's face was red and he looked at Rummy. “I told you to hush up already,” Dick said. “Now look what you ve gone and done.”

“Go and get him Saddam's gun,” Condi said. “You know how he likes to hold it.”

Dick went to my desk drawer and took out Saddam's gun. He gave it to me, and it was hot in my hands. Rummy pulled the gun away.

“Do you want him carrying a gun into the press conference?” Rummy said. “Cant you think any better than he can?”

I was hollering and Dick was turning red and then white and the room was tilted.

“You give him that gun back, right this minute,” Condi said. Rummy gave me Saddam's gun back and I held it my hands. It was hot like a horseshoe.

“You got the gun, now you stop that hollering,” Rummy said.

Condi patted me on the back. “It sure is hot in here,” she said. She fanned herself and took off her jacket. She smelled like perfume.

Sam Apple is a graduate of the creative nonfiction MFA program at Columbia University. His first book, Schlepping Through the Alps, was published in March 2005 by Ballantine Books. From 1998–2000, Apple edited New Voices, a national magazine for Jewish students. Apple’s freelance nonfiction work has appeared in a variety of publications including The New York Times, Slate.com, and the Forward. In 2004, Apple was a finalist for the Koret Award for Young Writers on Jewish Themes. In 2002, he won the Upload $1,500 first place award for short fiction. Apple is currently a contributing book editor at Nerve.com and at work on his second book.

[Edited on 7-25-2005 by Warriorbird]

[Gan]

How creative. I almost laughed. And yes I do read fiction. Oh, and yes I'm a Republican.

[DeV]

“Hello Georgie,” Condi said. “Did you come to see Condi?” Condi rubbed my hair and it tickled."
Hehe

[Atlanteax]

I thought it was quite lame. :thumbsdown:

.

I think it'd be more appropriate for someone like Michael Moore...

As I'm reasonably certain that George W Bush is significantly more intelligent and mature than individuals like him.

[Gan]

It makes the Bush haters feel smarter and more important when they call the president stupid.

If you cant beat 'em, make 'em appear to be stupid. Too bad it only makes 'em look like they were even stupid'er because they still lost.

It reminds me of how the children used to act back in grade school.

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Ganalon
It makes the Bush haters feel smarter and more important when they call the president stupid.

If you cant beat 'em, make 'em appear to be stupid. Too bad it only makes 'em look like they were even stupid'er because they still lost.

It reminds me of how the children used to act back in grade school.

Makes them even more stupid because they lost twice to this "stupid idiot".

[DeV]

I read it as strictly satire. Albeit, very elementary satire which ironically reflects less upon his target and more upon himself.

Bush's bushisims speak for themself, but I believe that most intelligent Democracts do not consider him to be a stupid man. He has an obvious degree of intelligence though family connects have played a very significant role in his success. We'd be stupid to think otherwise.

[Some Rogue]

Originally posted by DeV
...though family connects have played a very significant role in his success. We'd be stupid to think otherwise.

The same can be said about quite a few politicians past and present, Democrats included.

[DeV]

Originally posted by Some Rogue

Originally posted by DeV
...though family connects have played a very significant role in his success. We'd be stupid to think otherwise.

The same can be said about quite a few politicians past and present, Democrats included. Mos def. I'd expect the same for myself and anyone else in that position given the opportunity.

[Warriorbird]

It doesn't make nearly as much sense if you haven't read/appreciated 'The Sound and the Fury'.

[Skirmisher]

Yeesh, it's a political cartoon in text form is all.

It was kind of funny, nothing to get in a tizzy about in my opinion though.

[Atlanteax]

Originally posted by Skirmisher
Yeesh, it's a political cartoon in text form is all.

It was kind of funny, nothing to get in a tizzy about in my opinion though.

Raaarrrr!!! :grr:

Don't you realize that such "political satires" targetting Bush is intolerable?!? :fish:

[Keller]

Originally posted by Ganalon
It makes the Bush haters feel smarter and more important when they call the president stupid.

If you cant beat 'em, make 'em appear to be stupid. Too bad it only makes 'em look like they were even stupid'er because they still lost.

It reminds me of how the children used to act back in grade school.

Ummmm......


:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry but for the leader of our nation he is intolerably stupid. Perhaps he is just inarticulate but I doubt that.

Funny justification though, Gan.

[Warriorbird]

Especially coming from a Republican... the party that elevated dirty campaigning to an art form. Lee Atwater, Karl Rove, anybody?

[CrystalTears]

Oh please. :rolleyes:

[Gan]

Originally posted by Keller
Ummmm......

:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry but for the leader of our nation he is intolerably stupid. Perhaps he is just inarticulate but I doubt that.

Funny justification though, Gan.

Well, I guess you're entitled to your opinion. Its a sad state of affairs indeed if we're to believe your theory and yet have elected him twice. :rolleyes:

We agree to disagree on what you say though.

[Mistomeer]

Originally posted by Keller
Sorry but for the leader of our nation he is intolerably stupid. Perhaps he is just inarticulate but I doubt that.

Funny justification though, Gan.

I doubt he's stupid. He holds a B.A. from Yale and an M.B.A. from Harvard.

[Hulkein]

To Keller's defense, he did say 'for the leader of our nation' he is stupid. That's a bit different than saying he is flat out stupid.

I want to add I don't agree with Keller's opinion there, but he at least qualified it so it wasn't just a normal SHRUB IS DUMB.

[Keller]

Originally posted by Hulkein
To Keller's defense, he did say 'for the leader of our nation' he is stupid. That's a bit different than saying he is flat out stupid.

I want to add I don't agree with Keller's opinion there, but he at least qualified it so it wasn't just a normal SHRUB IS DUMB.

At least someone can read.

When your dad is the head of the CIA there aren't many closed doors -- especially at business schools where networking is 10x more important than actual education.

I'm not saying he's a moron. I'm saying that I would prefer a smarter figure head.

[Keller]

Originally posted by Ganalon

Originally posted by Keller
Ummmm......

:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry but for the leader of our nation he is intolerably stupid. Perhaps he is just inarticulate but I doubt that.

Funny justification though, Gan.

Well, I guess you're entitled to your opinion. Its a sad state of affairs indeed if we're to believe your theory and yet have elected him twice. :rolleyes:

We agree to disagree on what you say though.

Using the term opinion, when dealing with published material (Bushisms daily calendar, etc) is not really accurate. For god's sake, the administration has admitted that he avoids public speaking.

And where the hell do I state any sort of "theory".

You make no sense.

[TheRoseLady]

Originally posted by Ganalon
Oh, and yes I'm a Republican.

I'm so shocked and disappointed. All the hot men around here are republicans. :sniffle:

I'll bet you have a W'04 sticker on your little Lexus SUV, Ganalon.

Honestly, you don't need to tell us you're a republican, you hide it about as well as PB does. :P

[Gan]

Yea, I know. I'm not one to be circumspect when it comes to politics.

Actually, I drive my very comfortable old 92 chevy pickup which I enjoy tinkering with when it needs it. And I never got a W'04 sticker because I still had my Bush/Cheney blue sticker from the previous election on the bumper. Figured it worked then, it would work now. ;)

I save the new vehicles for the mrs. Someday I'll buy me a toy to drive, but not until my dear old truck gives up the ghost.

[Keller]

Originally posted by Ganalon
Yea, I know. I'm not one to be circumspect when it comes to politics.

Actually, I drive my very comfortable old 92 chevy pickup which I enjoy tinkering with when it needs it. And I never got a W'04 sticker because I still had my Bush/Cheney blue sticker from the previous election on the bumper. Figured it worked then, it would work now. ;)

I save the new vehicles for the mrs. Someday I'll buy me a toy to drive, but not until my dear old truck gives up the ghost.

I'm still waiting to hear how my theory (that Bush is actually not too bright) is the result of childish behavior and not his own speaking blunders.

Also I'd like to point out the irony of supporting an administration that, after initially being CLOBBERED in 2000 by McCain, went on to personally attack one of the few good men left in the Republican party. For a political machine built on personal attack and slander I don't think you have a right to sluff off a legitimate complaint as merely a childish attitude.

Please address the topic of this thread and not your transportation options.

[Gan]

Originally posted by Keller

Originally posted by Ganalon
It makes the Bush haters feel smarter and more important when they call the president stupid.

If you cant beat 'em, make 'em appear to be stupid. Too bad it only makes 'em look like they were even stupid'er because they still lost.

It reminds me of how the children used to act back in grade school.

Ummmm......


:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry but for the leader of our nation he is intolerably stupid. Perhaps he is just inarticulate but I doubt that.

Funny justification though, Gan.

First off, you're a tool for what you've just posted above.

Next, your OPINION that Bush is stupid is just that, OPINION. Where' s your MBA big boy? If you have anything even remotely backing up your claim that he's 'stupid' as anything but subjective then put it up now. Otherwise STFU.

As for McCain? That man is just plain scary. He will never amount to anything more than he already is, a Senator. Get off his dick and you might realize that.

The theory I alluded to was that of your OPINION. Perhaps you need to re-read my first post again, or get someone to read it to you, slowly.

As far as the complaint you mentioned above? What complaint was that? Or is it still in your deluded clouded head. Perhaps if you laid off the drugs your posts will make more sense. :nutty:

[Keller]

At least you've learned how to best your opponents on the issues -- resort to personal attack.

So now I am a tool for considering your misdirection of a thread to be in poor taste?

As far as justification for my complaint that the man who is our leader is not as inteligent as I would hope:

He was smarter than 69% of Americans when he took his SATs in 1969. He graduated with a history degree from Yale with a 2.35 gpa. He was denied a seat at Texas Law School.

There are just a few non-achievements of our current CoC to whet your pallete. I'd find you more but I've got friends waiting to go to dinner. Perhaps when I return I might find more. But then again -- maybe I'll just get stoned.

[Warriorbird]

"As for McCain? That man is just plain scary. He will never amount to anything more than he already is, a Senator. "

Those damn people with principles.

[Farquar]

An MBA, standing alone as a post-grad degree, is a joke. Anyone who has a semi-respectable foundation in education knows this. Intelligence is a secondary, even tertiary concern with repect to both admissions and class performance. "Business" is not considered an academic field, and contains no rigorous peer-review system. It is a mere credentialing service that impresses the blue-collies who don't realize otherwise.

I don't think W is stupid in the traditional sense. Compared to the average American, he likely has above-average smarts. Compared to the other 42 presidents...well, I'll leave you to your own conclusions. Intelligent people prefer that the individual with the ability to launch 2500 nuclear weapons at a whim be smarter than "above average".

Edit: As for McCain, it was Rove's great idea to label him as "mentally unstable" because he had spent so much time in a Vietnamese POW camp, a fact that many of you sheep took to heart. What a disgrace to the veterans, McCain, and the political process that was.

[Edited on 7-26-2005 by Farquar]

[Gan]

_________________
:lol: You're a trip. I guess it depends on the defination of stupid. Obviously yours is somewhat different than mine.


Originally posted by Keller
At least you've learned how to best your opponents on the issues -- resort to personal attack.

So now I am a tool for considering your misdirection of a thread to be in poor taste?
I'm just merely expressing my opinion of your thoughts, whats the matter, dont you like opinions?


Originally posted by Keller
As far as justification for my complaint that the man who is our leader is not as inteligent as I would hope:

He was smarter than 69% of Americans when he took his SATs in 1969. He graduated with a history degree from Yale with a 2.35 gpa. He was denied a seat at Texas Law School.
So does that mean if you're not smarter than 69% of Americans [do you have a source for this? or is this more opinion?] then you're even more stupid? Tell me, is this based on your own college experience? I suppose your GPA was higher, and your degree in something more honorable than history. And I guess you did succeed in getting into law school too. I bet that JD degree looks good hanging next to your magna cum laude bachelor's degree you've got hanging on your wall. [/sarcasm]

Does that mean that if you graduate college with a 2.35 GPA or less than you're stupid? You've really got some funny measuring yards for something as subjective as being 'smart' or 'stupid'.


Originally posted by Keller
There are just a few non-achievements of our current CoC to whet your pallete. I'd find you more but I've got friends waiting to go to dinner. Perhaps when I return I might find more. But then again -- maybe I'll just get stoned.
Yes, there are many pundet websites that address this very topic. I'm sad to see that you've bitten off on them hook, line, and sinker. Sucker. :lol:

Face it, you really have no factual evidence or intellectual qualifications to deem anyone 'smart' or 'stupid'. So therefore what you're defending is just your theory or opinion. I bet you even think Michael Moore is a lodestone of facts and revolutionary ideals too. :lol:

You're funny, and yet arguing over who's stupid or smart is becoming boring. Perhaps after you eat you'll have something else to debate.

[Warriorbird]

"Face it, you really have no factual evidence or intellectual qualifications to deem anyone 'smart' or 'stupid'. So therefore what you're defending is just your theory or opinion. I bet you even think Michael Moore is a lodestone of facts and revolutionary ideals too"

Way to disprove yourself.

:)

[Gan]

Originally posted by Warriorbird
"As for McCain? That man is just plain scary. He will never amount to anything more than he already is, a Senator. "

Those damn people with principles.

Actually, my reasoning for McCain being scary is, from my viewpoint, he's liberal on finance and market strategies and yet conservative on social issues. He's against tax cuts, which I also disagree with his position on. He's come out against the film industry for violence and sexuality promotion and yet he's starring in one of the biggest boobie fest movies of the summer this year.

Also the fact that his whole political career has been funded by Charles Keating, who was at the head of the S&L crash of the 1980's and one of the biggest corperate scandals of that decade [Keating Five] doesnt lend to his credibility either. And this is regardless of what 'spin' Rove threw out involving his time as a POW in Vietnam. That has never factored into the equation in my opinion. :baa:

Yes, I call the man scary from my perspective. He epitimizes the body politik.

[GSTamral]

Actually, pure intelligence hasn't worked in our leadership either. Jimmy Carter was the smartest person to ever sit in the office, and the rest of the Democrats hated him for it.

Bush Sr. is a very educated and crafty person in his own right as well. Neither made excellent presidents.

Leaders must be
1) Charismatic
2) Excellent Speakers and Listeners
3) Witty
4) Intelligent

In that order.

Reagan was no rocket scientist. But he made a great president. FDR was no rocket scientist either. Yet he may have been our greatest president in the 20th century. Eisenhower was a military man with little in the way of political education. He was a pretty popular guy.

Shit. Clinton couldn't even keep his dick in his pants, yet the majority liked him.

[Warriorbird]

"Also the fact that his whole political career has been funded by Charles Keating, who was at the head of the S&L crash of the 1980's and one of the biggest corperate scandals of that decade [Keating Five] doesnt lend to his credibility either."

Dude. That doesn't wash. You LIKE Bush.

[Gan]

Originally posted by Warriorbird
"Also the fact that his whole political career has been funded by Charles Keating, who was at the head of the S&L crash of the 1980's and one of the biggest corperate scandals of that decade [Keating Five] doesnt lend to his credibility either."

Dude. That doesn't wash. You LIKE Bush.

So my liking Bush negates everything that I might consider wrong with another candidate. Riiiiiight.

I suppose we can look at it in reverse then. Because you hate Bush we can consider everything you throw out as biased then too eh? :lol:

[Atlanteax]

Originally posted by Ganalon

Originally posted by Warriorbird
"Also the fact that his whole political career has been funded by Charles Keating, who was at the head of the S&L crash of the 1980's and one of the biggest corperate scandals of that decade [Keating Five] doesnt lend to his credibility either."

Dude. That doesn't wash. You LIKE Bush.

So my liking Bush negates everything that I might consider wrong with another candidate. Riiiiiight.

I suppose we can look at it in reverse then. Because you hate Bush we can consider everything you throw out as biased then too eh? :lol:

Not just biased...

But wrong, completely and flat-out wrong! :smug:

[Back]

I didn’t find it all that funny myself. Thats just me though. Its one thing to disagree with a president, its another to just bash him.

[Skirmisher]

Originally posted by Backlash
I didn’t find it all that funny myself. Thats just me though. Its one thing to disagree with a president, its another to just bash him.

Yes. It is true they are both different.

I also reserve the right to do both.

I have and will defend this country to any idiots from abroad who think for some absurd reason they are pure and good and the US is the embodiement of all that is evil.

I will also hold my own leaders accountable to the standards I see fit and if I think that a particular elected official is not one who should be in that position I will say so in whichever manner i please.

I did not agree with Bush senior's policies, but respected the man. I cannot say the same for the son.

[Trouble]

Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None.

There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

[Warriorbird]

:)

I really hope that V for Vendetta turns out well.

[Warriorbird]

http://img.timeinc.net/time/verbatim/20050725/photo/verbatim_mccain.jpg

[Hulkein]

Originally posted by Trouble
Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None.

There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

That's pretty damn funny.

[DeV]

That picture of McCain however, is not. :weird:

The caption made me chuckle though.