Craigslist never gets old..

[SolitareConfinement]

i love this story from the detroit area


So I have this cat.
Actually it�s my girlfriend�s cat.
Actually we have two, a small grey tabby named T**** that is a blast to have around, and the �other one�.
It�s corpulent, bright orange and has medium length hair, so of course to me it�s name has only ever been Fat Bastard.
(I�m not kidding, this cat is obese enough that it�s gut leaves it�s own trail in the middle of it�s footprints after I vacuum the carpet, uniformly triangulating the food dish, the litter box, and the hammock it has steamrollered for itself in my underwear hamper)
Fat Bastard has a problem.
It�s very existence revolves solely around consuming anything organic.
I mean anything.

We can�t have real plants anymore, not even cactus.
(My girlfriend didn�t laugh when I, tired of the green vomit, suggested Poinsettias)
We have all of the food stored in cupboards that have child locks on them.
Opening the fridge involves holding a broom.
(I�d love to teach the fucker a lesson by trapping it in there for a little bit, but beyond the cessation of all sexual activity when my girlfriend finds out, I�m pretty sure this thing is as well-insulated as a walrus and I�d only open the door and discover carnage, not to mention fuzzy rage propelling itself to freedom with one of it�s signature exertion farts)
We have a bungee cord holding the lid on the trash can, which also happens to be attached to the wall to prevent, as my girlfriend calls it, �accidental tipping�.
Ordering pizza involves trapping it in a bedroom, then listening to it scratch furiously at the door as soon as it gets a whiff of oregano.
It drinks pop.
We can�t walk away from the stove while preparing a meal, as even scalding hot pots and pans have proven no match for it�s powerful, powerful lust.
I love bacon, yet it�s become contraband since the �incident�.
(Which my girlfriend still somehow regards as my fault, as if I encouraged the fucking thing to snatch sizzling bacon right out of the pan, headfirst, then tear-ass around the house alternating between muted howling and ragged, gasping swallows.)
It has, on a number of occasions, snarfed an entire pack of cigarettes.
Christ, this cat has eaten soap that smelled like melon.
It was entertaining at first, playing the �Let�s see what we can get in there� game, but when this fucking beast blew right through wasabi, jalapenos, mustard, lemons, live grasshoppers, Skittles, and an extra-shot latte, I got the point.

I�m tired of having to treat simple food items like they�re plutonium.
I miss having a bag of chips or a cold pizza on the coffee table while I�m watching the game.
I�m fed up with having to wait to do laundry because the basement has been fouled by a particularly rank dump.

Enough is enough.

If you want her, she�s yours.
The girlfriend or the cat, it�s your call�
(Either way, you don�t even have to get out of the car; I�ll just unwrap a Kraft single and throw it in the backseat.)

Please, help a guy out�
PostingID: 94074271

[SolitareConfinement]

stupid craigs list.....

anyrate here is another i know of that i just love


To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.

[Kuyuk]

haha

[Gelston]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like t o apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

[Barundar]

http://madison.craigslist.org/tix/1471862416.html

[AnticorRifling]

Copy and paste. I can't hit craig's list at work.

[Kuyuk]

Seeking two tickets to the Dec. 2 UW mens' basektball game vs. Duke. Would prefer tickets somewhere in the lower level and near the team benches. I figure if I can get a seat close enough, I can at some point sneak down to the Duke bench, drop trou, and stick my hairy crack in Coach K's face. I've been wanting to do this for quite some time, so anyone who can help facilitate the dream on a budget would be most generous. I figure if there's one guy in the world who deserves to have a hairy, sweaty ass stuck in his face, it's Coach K. After all, he's been turning out team after team of cocky, whitebread under-achievers for the last two decades, and it's time someone showed him how the rest of the country feels about his brand of basketball.

When I say "budget," I should clarify that I can't afford your over-inflated mark-up if you're looking to make a buck on your seats. Sorry. But I have to figure in the cost of an indecent exposure/public disturbance citation into the cost, plus whatever I will have to buy my wife as an apology for my antics.

[Victor Mancini]

I looked through this thread but didn't see anyone post this link, so here it is. I love this site and you will too. This guy messes with those craigslist ads.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/
Here's the latest one:
-----------
Racist Microwave Buyer
Posted at: 2009-11-16 13:02:45 | 153 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
WANTED - Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY
From Me to *********@************.org:

I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerly hope that this won't be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.

Thank you,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can't read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I'm sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don't think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.

Sincerely offended,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I wasn't suggesting that you couldn't read. I'm not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?

From Amy ****** to Me:

I can't write anything without you being offended! I give up!

From Me to Amy ******:

So you don't want the microwave?

From Amy ****** to Me:

Will you still sell it to me?

From Me to Amy ******:

I would never sell anything to a racist.

From Amy ****** to Me:

Ugh I'm done with you.

[Barundar]

Copy and paste. I can't hit craig's list at work.

Sorry about that, let me try to make it up to you.

[NocturnalRob]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/1494504262.html

You farted in Trader Joe's - m4w (Danbury, CT)
Date: 2009-12-04, 11:19AM EST
Reply To This Post

You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, "Was that you?" You quickly replied "No...Wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I'd love to meet up sometime.