Hello, internet. Even though I am taking a break from the interweb to get my shit together IRL, Lisa alerted me to this thread via phone and after considering if I should even post, I've decided I will. Warning: Severe levels of care and wall of text ahead!
OKAY. Everyone get aboard the drama bus, and please check under your seat for emergency rations of popcorn should this ride get so fucking ridiculous you run out of your own. 3D goggles for your viewing pleasure WILL be distributed as you board!
Some of you know, some do not, but I worked for Doug (Nachos) for roughly 2 years living in Boston. Prior to that, we were very good friends.
Our friendship largely consisted of trading links to offensive/funny jokes, and going to lunch a few times a week, and chatting about our lives. The majority of what he told me about his wife and children was very kind and complimentary (in the interest of full disclosure though, he did tell me some of the not so good details to try to get some advice, which is not outside of the realm of normal for most friendships, especially as infrequently as it happened) when I inquired. Because I have no kids, I didn't inquire all the time, but I was certainly aware of them, to the point that as a favor I made the chocolate frogs for one of his kid's Harry Potter birthday party. This to me was a pretty clear indication that our relationship was platonic and no wires were crossed about my sexual interest in him, which is to say that on a scale of 1-10, I find him not sexually appealing in the slightest.
I constantly joked with him that he was my "gay friend"- and make no mistake, despite the lightheartedness of our friendship I did consider him to be one of my best friends. For someone who left her entire life on the other coast to live here in the east, with only two suitcases of clothes and a cat, it was something I valued beyond measure.
One day, I came to work and he informed me he couldn't go to lunch with me. He told me it was a problem at home and he'd explain later. I waited in confusion for an explanation that I finally had to wrestle out of him a full week later because I was hurt and confused as to why I was being given the cold shoulder.
There's truth to what his wife posted in the OP- he did bang hookers, he did spend money on lunches (though to be fair, I always offered to pay and I DID insist on paying quite a few times) while apparently his house went into foreclosure, and apparently he did shut down emotionally on his wife.
So, what does this have to do with me, you ask? Well, I figured he was just embarrassed to tell me. Wrong- his wife is pissed at ME, and about me, because he didn't tell her how good of friends we are due to her overreacting when he told her other times about female friends. I jumped through hoops to make her understand how wildly wrong she was but the end verdict was the same- I was his "emotional mistress" he went to instead of her and our "affair" must stop. This was only hampered further because Doug was actually protective of me and felt that this was wildly unfair and untrue.
To be frank, after contemplating it long and hard, I don't believe that accusation. Sure, he was wrong to not be upfront about me but his fears were not irrational. But whatever. When I got over my initial shock and anger, at her, at him, I decided it just wasn't worth it to burn my bridges and be hateful. I'm very bad at holding grudges. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was hurt, but that I'd respect their wishes.
I also didn't do it with hate or spite or anger, which later comes back to bite me in my ass. I told him I didn't really give a shit what he did in his personal life or sex life, that I don't hold it against him, and that if the marriage didn't work out or something happened where we could be friends, I'd gladly go back to being his friend (and this remains the truth to this day). Just because I wasn't "allowed" to talk to him or contact him doesn't mean I ever stopped caring, and all that other sappy friend stuff.
I thought this concluded our dealings, but I was further wrong!
I was polite to him at work and tried to keep how I felt under wraps. I made a post though to a subreddit (pretty sure he knew my reddit account), just venting about how hurt the whole situation made me, and within a day I had an email in my inbox from him, apologizing again and basically saying the stuff he had been unable to say face to face. Fine. I didn't respond and tried to move on.
About a week or so later I get an IM from his wife. First she's asking if I glared at him during work... uh, no, it's unprofessional and I don't even hate him. She isn't straight forward about the email he sent me and instead uses these bullshit manipulation tactics to (very poorly) try to get me to contradict myself or lie. I am not a fucking two year old, and this pretty much infuriated me. I may have dumped flaming gasoline on the burning fire wreckage that is their marriage, but I basically told her I wasn't some heartless pawn in their "marriage counseling" and to fuck off and never contact me again. I then blocked her, so no clue if she'd tried after that, oh well, don't care.
He did take every day off of work that I was going to work after that so I'm decently sure that she does strongly dislike me, lol. Amusingly, a lot of people had strong looks of disapproval that he didn't even show up on my last day (I was moving back to Western MA, totally unrelated) and I covered for him saying he "had a family crisis" but we'd said our goodbyes and everything was fine.
And so our tale winds down. I accidentally sent him a Merry Christmas text that I send out en masse on Christmas, and that has been my only "contact". Honestly, I don't know why I decided to share all this, besides that whenever PC drama goes down I hate when people are all secretive with the juicy details. So I figure this is like the drama version of internet tits.
And this is directly to Rachel- if you thought posting this here was a good idea or was a good way to get support or turn people on Doug, you're dead wrong. This post you've made is the equivalent of a person with two bloody stumps pouring blood climbing into a shark tank and hoping they don't get eaten alive. But if you were actually communicating with him instead of childishly seeking ways to hurt him as bad as he's hurt you, you'd know that. Even beloved regulars get a shit ton of tough love and skepticism here. If you're seriously dealing with rage issues of this magnitude, I strongly suggest you go to more counseling than whatever your current amount is, or doing something to take out your rage, be that kickboxing, yoga, or incredibly violent video games. Whatever decisions you make though, this forum is not your support group and you'd be wise to remember that.
TL;DR A seal joins a circus and magically turns into a pirate unicorn. Oh apparently I am a homewrecker, too.
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