When looking for this song on google, it was harder than it should have been to find. I'm also worried that Ylena will take down her website and we'll be forever without the song, so I am posting it here to archive it.
http://ylena.com/newpage1.htm
Ylena smiles mysteriously, claps her hands, and the room is suddenly dark, except for a beam of light that follows her around the room. Her band has appeared on risers behind her - a few horns, a harpist, some drums.
Ylena smiles seductively, removes her helm, and tosses out her hair. She gestures...and she is clothed in a tight green shimmery dress cut down to here and up to there!
Ylena kicks off her shoes and slides into a pair of impossibly high-heeled green sandals. She turns to her band, snaps her fingers four times, and starts them off in a catchy tune that compels you to tap your toe. The style is unfamiliar - but it grows on you fast.
Ylena wiggles excitedly.
"Without further ado, kids, I present to you . . . the Box Song!
Oh! - would the men among you please keep the drooling to a minimum?
Remember people have to walk around in here!"
Ylena points at a stack of towels in the corner for those with particularly awful salivation problems.
Ylena stretches out on top of the largest drum, hums in her best whiskey-drenched voice, and assumes a most . . . well . . . um . . . revealing and . . . er . . . limber position as she prepares to sing. . .
Killed a couple hobs, got some coins and some stones,
Slayed a couple gnolls, they left their stuff at home!
Ylena writhes on the drum, being most entertaining and polishing the finish simultaneously.
Went over to trolls where the hunting is tops,
And to my surprise, I got a box!
Ylena slides off the drum fluidly and struts forward a few steps.
Oh, I'm looking for a good man to open my box.
I swear it isn't trapped, and it's not a tough lock.
Can you tease it open? Can you make it part?
If you can open my box, I'll give you my heart.
Ylena winks.
Ylena wraps a fluffy white feather boa around herself in such a manner that most of the men in the room wish for an instantaneous boa transformation spell.
Fought a big brown bear
To no avail,
All that I did
Was injure my tail.
Ylena pouts cutely and rubs her tail.
Came upon a troll,
And cut him down.
Imagine my joy
When a trunk I found!
Ylena drops the boa and performs a few sophisticated dance steps that you would swear were anatomically impossible . . . especially in those shoes!
Oh, I'm looking for a good man,
To open my trunk.
I swear it's really prime,
It isn't junk.
Can you tease it open?
Can you slide inside?
Please open my trunk
And I'll give you my hide!
Ylena smiles seductively and tosses a troll hide to the crowd.
Ylena struts amongst the crowd during the instrumental break, touching and glancing. She strides proudly to the front of the room, grabs a horn, and wails a solo, looking you in the eye.
Ran down to centaurs
To play with a horse,
Killed a couple tan ones,
Found nothing, of course.
Skipped over to wights,
And this is no joke -
I found a lovely coffer
Crafted from oak!
Ylena produces an oak coffer and licks it - and just watching her sends shivers down your spine. She drops the coffer and uses it to dance on and around.
Oh, I'm looking for a good man
Who can handle my coffer.
I really need your help,
And I'll take any offer.
Don't care if you woo it,
Any method can be tried,
Just please take my coffer -
And get inside.
Ylena gestures - and suddenly three back-up singers in skimpy shimmery green and six male dancers in sleek, tight white leather appear! The dancers lift her and hold her high in the air.
Stepped out to the graveyard,
A dirge to slay,
Guess what I found
Out there today?
Ylena smiles as the dancers put her back on her feet and perform around her.
'Course I got money,
And lots of other stuff,
And a couple of boxes -
One is not enough!
Oh, I'm looking for a good man
To get inside,
To ease things open
With a smooth, smooth glide!
Want to see your fingers
Manipulating and free!
Oh, baby, won't you please
Tease open my box for me?
Oh, baby, won't you please
Tease open my box for me!
Ylena finishes with a flourish as the dancers hoist her into the air.
Ylena nods to the crowd as her dancers lower her and everyone takes a bow.
Ylena smiles widely at her ensemble, acknowledges them for the crowd, and waves goodbye to them . . . and as they disappear in a flash, you notice that she is again clothed normally.
Ylena beams happily.
