In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I play Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... and then, my mom sent me to the... to the summer camp for fat kids... and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out!…