Ode to the Wife

[Tsa`ah]

To my wife of 8 years;

To the first time we met. You took my Destro and forced him to play house with Ken and Barbie. I'll never lose the spite I hold over that kidnapping, but as I look back I thank you for helping me grow out of my GI Joe phase.

How can I ever forget the time in 7th grade when you passed me the note, folded so many times to make a cute little self enveloping envelope, that read "Do you like me?" "Circle yes or no", "Will you go out with me if yes?" "Circle yes or no". Such a tender moment in a young boys development. It is moments like this that determine what kind of man a boy will grow to be. That day I learned how truly evil women are. As I giddily circled yes and yes, and waited anxiously for another note, you just had to turn around ... point, laugh, and exclaim .. JUST KIDDING!! I thank all that is divine and holy that we would be moving off Grandpa's farm and to Texas for the last of dad's service.

Remember the time in 8th grade? We had just moved back to the area, Dad just bought his own farm and you were so excited to see me. You gave me a hug, I gave you a kiss, you blacked my eye. Such love and hate.

Such memories of High School. Our first real date at home coming. My first time at bat and making it to 2nd base. Then ... to my horror, I sliced my tongue wide open on your braces.

Oh the sophomore year was truly to be remembered. We broke up, I went on a date with another girl, you went out with another guy. You and he broke up and a week later you tried to molest me in the boys bathroom. Not that I minded, but you just can't do that to a guy and leave him hanging. The pain in the morning is unbearable.

Oh for the next year we were on again and off again. And while we were off again you did you best to assure me that no other girl was like you. Remember the first time? An hour after we were done you were so scared that the condom was on the wrong way. And even though you were on the pill, you bought EPT after EPT. For two months you would leave me and my boys blue. Then, when you finally relaxed, we started the cycle over again. I was convinced I would be well into my 30's before I reached the 100 mark.

When I first went off to college you were such a doll. You called me from home every day to monitor my well being. "No I didn't meet any interesting girls." "No I haven't been to any parties." "Yes I thought about you every day." "No we will not talk dirty over the phone when my room mate is home."

Then at last you came to college with me. You passed up Purdue, you passed up UIC, you passed up Berkeley, to come be with me at little ol ISU. It was then I knew I was completely doomed.

Our first apartment together, what a treat. After classes, after work, I would come home to a 20 year old domestic goddess in tears for one reason or another. The time you baked the no back cheese cake, and 4 others after that because it just didn't look right. The time you served me a fat rare steak, yet didn't understand that "pork steak" should not only NOT be rare, but not served to a Jew. The time you wanted to clean that stain off the carpet, left by the former tenants, with bleach. The time you defrosted the freezer with a big fucking butcher knife and called me at work to ask why the freezer was hissing. The time you called me up asking if it was normal for a microwave to spark ... with foil in it.

Oh and then came our first born. You were nesting and out of your frickin mind. You threw out half of my comics, all of my vinyl albums ... Good bye Chuck, good bye Fats, good bye Dizzy ... I still pour a 40 out for my hommies in fond memory.

The tears of postpartum, the joys of early parenthood. The horror of bills and the realization that the household needs more money and another job needs taken on, little did I know that meant me.

Getting married was a joy of it's own. Your family condemning me to hell, my family denouncing yours as heathens. Was it not you that suggested eloping? Was it not you that suggested we drop 50 bucks and go to the courthouse? We got a free pizza after all. Why oh why after 8 years do you blame your simple wedding on me?

And now as we tread into our 9th year together I can look back and laugh and gaze at the now in shock.

The many lost sets of keys, the "oops" I thought I paid that, the car repairs, the home repairs, the psyche repairs.

Yes honey, I know I work too much, No honey I don't have time to re-shingle the roof this weekend, sorry honey ... I would love to have lunch with you every day of the week .. but I also need sleep.

It is said that a man's sexual peek is around 18 years of age and a woman's happens after 30. I think the wife and I are defective. I want it all the time, and she never puts out.

Welcome to marriage.

[Edited on 9-29-2004 by Tsa`ah]

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Tsa`ah

It is said that a man's sexual peek is around 18 years of age and a woman's happens after 30. I think the wife and I are defective. I want it all the time, and she never puts out.

Welcome to marriage.

Yea.. what the fuck is up with that?? When I first got married.. we humped like rabbits.. now when I want sex two night in a row.. she looks at me like I have lost my friggen mind.

[Wezas]

Man that's depressing.

Right now I'm going through the "I had a shitty day at work today - comfort me even though you already had plans that I've made you miss for the last 2 months" phase.

Sunday was also fun. It was the "I know I was gone with my girlfriends for 8 hours on Saturday, but I'm going to make you feel like shit for hanging out with your car buddies for 5 hours on Sunday" routine.

So I'm well on my way.

[Back]

The original study that determined sexual peaks is flawed. That survey asked how many orgasms do you have in a certain time period. It has been found since that peak is directly related to the amount of testosterone in a mans body. On a linear chart, the early years are flat then there is a sharp incline from adolescent to 30. From 30 to 60 it levels out, then sharply declines from 60 on. So, an 18 year old has about as much testosterone in their body as a 70 year old.

[Killer Kitten]

How to get a man to stop fucking you:

MARRY HIM!!!


It's MEN that lose interest in sex over the course of a long term relationship. Oh, most men say they're interested in sex. They've just redefined sex to mean, 'blow me till I'm hard then ride me for 90 seconds while I just lie here and do nothing for you'. Why should a girl bother? So you can get your rocks off, roll over and snore while we sit there staring at your dumb self thinking 'Is that all there is?'

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[Parkbandit]

I can tell you this.. I'm ten times the pervert now than I was when I was 18.

[Soulpieced]

'blow me till I'm hard then ride me for 90 seconds while I just lie here and do nothing for you'.

.

Aw crap she found me.

[Wezas]

Originally posted by Soulpieced
'blow me till I'm hard then ride me for 90 seconds while I just lie here and do nothing for you'.

.

Aw crap she found me.

Damn, I was hoping to be the first to comment on that line :no:

Also, Kitten are you single? Because you seem to know exactly what I want.

:saint:

With the following exceptions:
Not just laying there
And I occasionally last longer then 90 seconds
WTF you need to blow him to get him hard? Just thinking about any type of sex about to happen makes that not an issue.

[Edited on 9-28-2004 by Wezas]

[Hips]

Originally posted by Killer Kitten
They've just redefined sex to mean, 'blow me till I'm hard then ride me for 90 seconds while I just lie here and do nothing for you'. Why should a girl bother? So you can get your rocks off, roll over and snore while we sit there staring at your dumb self thinking 'Is that all there is?'


OMG, tell me about it. :no:

[Xcalibur]

You girls don't know how to turn a man on, then.

Or you had assholes.

[Killer Kitten]

<<Aw crap she found me.>>

I've found you repeatedly. <g>

I've been married for 20 years. Before that I was married for 3 years. I have some small knowledge of the subject.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[Jolena]

My man doesn't have those issues... *whistle* However we're only 17 months into the relationship heh. We'll see in another 2-3 years.

And Tsa'ah.. don't you have ANYthing good to say about your wife at all over the last 9 years? Ouch.

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by Xcalibur
You girls don't know how to turn a man on, then.

Or you had assholes.


Typical male, blame the woman for their own shortcomings.
My first husband did qualify as an asshole. Second husband is absolutely not. I really think its a guy thing, familiarity breeds disinterest, or at least laziness.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[TheEschaton]

And Tsa'ah.. don't you have ANYthing good to say about your wife at all over the last 9 years? Ouch.


I think he was remembering those things fondly, not poorly.

-TheE-

[Xcalibur]

Originally posted by Killer Kitten

Originally posted by Xcalibur
You girls don't know how to turn a man on, then.

Or you had assholes.


Typical male, blame the woman for their own shortcomings.
My first husband did qualify as an asshole. Second husband is absolutely not. I really think its a guy thing, familiarity breeds disinterest, or at least laziness.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

Il n'y a pas de femmes froides, que des hommes maladroits.

I still think the contrary.:D

[Chyrain]

the DAY I got married, sex tumbled down the rocky hill. I lived with the guy for 2+ years before we got married. Even though I didn't get it as much as I wanted, I still got it 3 or 4 times a week.

And now... *I* want it every day. *I* have to be the one to ask. *I* am the one who is constantly rejected by the "i'm not in the mood."


sooo I'm gettin' divorced.

[Betheny]

I've never had a problem with my sex life.

And... men get better with age. ;)

[Parkbandit]

I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

[Wezas]

Originally posted by Parkbandit
I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

Agreed.

I was pissed off at her once for something and I tried to act totally uninterested. But she played dirty :yes:

[Betheny]

Playing dirty is what life is ALL ABOUT.

[Jolena]

:applaud: Maimara!

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Wezas

Originally posted by Parkbandit
I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

Agreed.

I was pissed off at her once for something and I tried to act totally uninterested. But she played dirty :yes:

Wezas has a dirty wife.. Parkbandit like!

[Chyrain]

Originally posted by Parkbandit
I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

well it's too bad for me that you're already married then, eh?


i was watching dr phil the other day and they did a whole show on women complaining about their men not giving it up. at least i'm not alone.

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by Wezas

Originally posted by Parkbandit
I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

Agreed.

I was pissed off at her once for something and I tried to act totally uninterested. But she played dirty :yes:


I tried tripping my husband and beating him to the floor. He mumbled an apology for squishing me and wandered off in search of the remote.

I can totally relate to Joan Rivers: 'If he didn't toss and turn in his sleep we'd have never had the kid'.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[Chyrain]

Originally posted by Killer Kitten

I tried tripping my husband and beating him to the floor. He mumbled an apology for squishing me and wandered off in search of the remote.

I can totally relate to Joan Rivers: 'If he didn't toss and turn in his sleep we'd have never had the kid'.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

yea really. i have no idea how i got pregnant. i'm practically a virgin.

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Chyrain

Originally posted by Parkbandit
I don't think the words "I'm not in the mood" have ever been uttered from my lips.

Ever.

well it's too bad for me that you're already married then, eh?


i was watching dr phil the other day and they did a whole show on women complaining about their men not giving it up. at least i'm not alone.

God.. I always thought it was the wives that were "Not tonight dear.. I have a headache."

What kinda guy doesn't want to get it??

Criminy. I can't imagine not being a horn dog.

[The Cat In The Hat]

Originally posted by Chyrain

Originally posted by Killer Kitten

I tried tripping my husband and beating him to the floor. He mumbled an apology for squishing me and wandered off in search of the remote.

I can totally relate to Joan Rivers: 'If he didn't toss and turn in his sleep we'd have never had the kid'.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

yea really. i have no idea how i got pregnant. i'm practically a virgin.

I feel your pain ladies... I really do. And we've only been married 4 years :(

[Betheny]

...

My sex life never suffered while I was married.

[DeV]

Ugh. I feel sorry for you ladies.

I'm a bonafied horn dog yet my girls sex drive is higher than mine and she has me beat by 13 years in age. Women definitely get better with age just like most mature men, from what I've heard.

[Betheny]

Originally posted by DarkelfVold
Ugh. I feel sorry for you ladies.

I'm a bonafied horn dog yet my girls sex drive is higher than mine and she has me beat by 13 years in age. Women definitely get better with age just like most mature men, from what I've heard.

...

I'm in big trouble then. I better marry a strong guy, or he's gonna be walking funny.

[DeV]

Originally posted by Maimara
I'm in big trouble then. I better marry a strong guy, or he's gonna be walking funny. Sounds like you're a wild one in bed... and yes, we are in for trouble. Nothing we haven't been preparing for though.

[CrystalTears]

<runs out of the way since she's one of those that is always too tired to do anything>

I need vitavetavegimin.

[Betheny]

Originally posted by DarkelfVold

Originally posted by Maimara
I'm in big trouble then. I better marry a strong guy, or he's gonna be walking funny. Sounds like you're a wild one in bed... and yes, we are in for trouble. Nothing we haven't been preparing for though.

:grin:

mayyyybe a little.

[HarmNone]

Originally posted by TheEschaton


And Tsa'ah.. don't you have ANYthing good to say about your wife at all over the last 9 years? Ouch.


I think he was remembering those things fondly, not poorly.

-TheE-

Heh. I read that the same way you did, TheE. If you read between the lines a bit, Tsa`ah's wife is a very lucky, and well-loved, woman. :)

HarmNone

[CrystalTears]

She's lucky cause she has Tsa'ah, that's why! She should be knocking those boots all the time!

[Ravenstorm]

Originally posted by CrystalTears
I need vitavetavegimin.

You are so old. :lol:

Raven

[Shari]

Reading this thread has made me realize how well Parkbandit, Wezas, and my boyfriend would get along together if they were friends. And that scares the motherfucking shit out of me.



My boyfriend and I will have been together for 7 years come December. There has never NEVER been a time where my boyfriend doesn't want it. Which sucks for me because I RARELY want it. :( I've heard that taking certain kinds of birth control can kill a girls sex drive...I need to go get that checked out because I seriously feel like I could go my entire life without needing to have sex.

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Jesae
Reading this thread has made me realize how well Parkbandit, Wezas, and my boyfriend would get along together if they were friends. And that scares the motherfucking shit out of me.



MMUUUAAAHHHAAAAA!:smilegrin:

[CrystalTears]

Originally posted by Jesae
My boyfriend and I will have been together for 7 years come December. There has never NEVER been a time where my boyfriend doesn't want it. Which sucks for me because I RARELY want it. :( I've heard that taking certain kinds of birth control can kill a girls sex drive...I need to go get that checked out because I seriously feel like I could go my entire life without needing to have sex.

I'm glad I'm not alone. And I wouldn't be surprised if birth control pills contribute to that, because ever since I've been living with my fiance and taking the pill, I just don't want to, no matter how much I feel the need to. It's really odd. I should talk to my doctor.

Raven! If you cut me do I not bleed?? :cry:

[Ravenstorm]

Originally posted by CrystalTears
Raven! If you cut me do I not bleed?? :cry:

Don't blame me. I didn't force you to quote I Love Lucy. That was a purely self inflicted wound.

Raven

[Bobmuhthol]

<<I didn't force you to quote I Love Lucy. That was a purely self inflicted wound.>>

WTF. I used to watch that show all the time, and I'm positive I'm not old.

[Snapp]

That's cute Tsa'ah. Congrats on being married 9 years. :)

[TheRoseLady]

Not in the mood, there's a patch now.

http://www.suntimes.com/output/berman/cst-ftr-berman27.html

[Edited on 9-29-2004 by TheRoseLady]

[Wezas]

Originally posted by TheRoseLady
Not in the mood, there's a patch now.

http://www.suntimes.com/output/berman/cst-ftr-berman27.html


Hmm... chick with a sex drive vs. chick taking so much testosterone her voice is deeper then mine....

Tough call unless there's a hair lip involved.... :no:

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by DarkelfVold

Originally posted by Maimara
I'm in big trouble then. I better marry a strong guy, or he's gonna be walking funny. Sounds like you're a wild one in bed... and yes, we are in for trouble. Nothing we haven't been preparing for though.

I USED to be a wild one in bed. Then I got married. Now I'd qualify for nunhood. I get nun!

Still, marriage is a matter of compromise and weighing factors. My husband is my best friend, he loves me above all else, we can always talk about anything and our life is filled with laughter.
Better that than marriage to somebody who fucks me crosseyed whenever I want but spreads it around to anything female, or gets drunk/high and gets handy with his fists.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[Stunseed]

If you want a man to adjust his sexual tendancies, perhaps taking the first step and allowing some freedom in your tendancies or doing something different.

Moral of the story is....If you want to get turned out more often, be a porno star for your man.

Also, Jolena <--------- :hitit:

[Jolena]

:sloppy:

[Tsa`ah]

In no way was I badmouthing my wife. Sheesh.

This was more of me going down the list of things that while being not so flattering of an image to portrait, were the quirks and twists of a person I've chosen to spend my life with.

My wife losing her keys (in her car), the spare keys (the week before), and taking my keys thus leaving me no way, other than breaking the steering lock and hotwiring, to pick up the kids or get to work Monday sort of kicked off the line of thought, so I shared.

Ever watch Goodwill Hunting? The shrink telling Will about his wife farting? Those are the things you remember and cherish, not the flowers, not the candy, not the sex ... but the quirky things.

And we could be having a little more sex.

[Edited on 9-29-2004 by Tsa`ah]

[Caiylania]

That was much better than the ode to that other wife *cough*

Married 6 years and we still have plenty oh fun. It funny though, reading all these posts. Some weeks he is in the mood all the time and other weeks its me. Oh those weeks when we both are............................................... .... :D

[Edited on 9-29-2004 by Caiylania]

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by Stunseed
If you want a man to adjust his sexual tendancies, perhaps taking the first step and allowing some freedom in your tendancies or doing something different.

Moral of the story is....If you want to get turned out more often, be a porno star for your man.

Also, Jolena <--------- :hitit:

If only that were all it took. Or do you honestly think there's a married woman who wants more sex who hasn't tried everything from handcuffs and Redi-Whip to strutting about in Saran Wrap and a Dolly Parton wig?

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[CrystalTears]

Kimm, that was WAY more of a visual than I wanted of you and Mike. Holy jeez! :lol:

[Stunseed]

< If only that were all it took. >

Oh, I most definately agree it can't be one sided. I'm sorry you are in that situation, but if women want a home run type of night, they gotta be willing to play ball, too. :hump:

Guess I'm lucky in that sense, the communication levels between me and my woman are so clear that if we were to get into a rut, it's quickly discussed, on both sides. Also quickly taken care of.

[Chyrain]

Originally posted by Killer Kitten

Originally posted by Stunseed
If you want a man to adjust his sexual tendancies, perhaps taking the first step and allowing some freedom in your tendancies or doing something different.

Moral of the story is....If you want to get turned out more often, be a porno star for your man.

Also, Jolena <--------- :hitit:

If only that were all it took. Or do you honestly think there's a married woman who wants more sex who hasn't tried everything from handcuffs and Redi-Whip to strutting about in Saran Wrap and a Dolly Parton wig?

Kimm/Ex-Tilone


rotfl. seriously. If I had all the money back I spent on sexy lingerie or toys or movies or "How to Make Your Man Happy in Bed" books or whatEVER...I'd be a rich woman. I even had it in my mind that if I bought every piece of underwear from a place like Victorias Secret and made sure it was like the skimpiest see-through kind of stuff he'd be interested.

my closet is full of it. collecting dust. unfortunately. Oh well, at least it'll be there when I start dating again.

[CrystalTears]

As my fiance says when we pass a VS or Frederick's store... "Wrapping paper!"

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by CrystalTears
Kimm, that was WAY more of a visual than I wanted of you and Mike. Holy jeez! :lol:

I didn't show you the Dolly wig when you guys were down this summer?
Seriously, could you see Mike in Saran Wrap? I get the giggles just thinking about it.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

[Souzy]

Originally posted by Parkbandit

Originally posted by Tsa`ah

It is said that a man's sexual peek is around 18 years of age and a woman's happens after 30. I think the wife and I are defective. I want it all the time, and she never puts out.

Welcome to marriage.

Yea.. what the fuck is up with that?? When I first got married.. we humped like rabbits.. now when I want sex two night in a row.. she looks at me like I have lost my friggen mind.

lolz! I feel bad for you guys. You guys need a girl that can keep up. I was engaged for 6 years, we was quasi married. I'm a freak, thus, kept him interested. Sorry man, when it comes down to it, you better still perform like how it was when I met you, and that love stuff too, lolz!

Damn Tsa'ah...how long have you known your wife?

Edited to add...yeah the sexy lingerie stuff is cute too, but it's all fluff. It's all about performance, that shit is gonna be off anyway. Do it right or don't do it at all.

[Edited on 9-30-2004 by Lalana]

[TheEschaton]

Man, I wish I could be as ghetto fab and do all the freaky shit Lalana does.


-TheE-

[CrystalTears]

Originally posted by Killer Kitten

Originally posted by CrystalTears
Kimm, that was WAY more of a visual than I wanted of you and Mike. Holy jeez! :lol:

I didn't show you the Dolly wig when you guys were down this summer?
Seriously, could you see Mike in Saran Wrap? I get the giggles just thinking about it.

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

Gah! I hate you!

[Killer Kitten]

That image is going to haunt you forever, isn't it? In the morning over corn flakes, the vision of Mike in Saran Wrap will suddenly pop into your mind, causing you to spray partially masticated corn flakes and milk all over the unsuspecting Keith...

Ok, now I gots the giggles!

Kimm/Ex-Tilone

That damned Mike is in Vegas this week! Less than a month on the new job and they send him to Vegas! After ten years on the job, I couldn't get the zoo to send me to Minot, North Dakota for our annual tech conference this summer.

I wanna be like Mike, except look better when wearing transparent plastic products.

[CrystalTears]

They sent Mike to Vegas?? Oh you're screwed. He's never coming back. Casino nirvana for him.

[Killer Kitten]

Originally posted by CrystalTears
They sent Mike to Vegas?? Oh you're screwed. He's never coming back. Casino nirvana for him.

Yeah, all the topless showgirls and bimbos on parade don't worry me at all. (As if they had Dolly wigs and Redi-Whip anyway.) But a hot little slot machine? I am indeed threatened.

Of course I went to the Animal League last Saturday and brought home a new kitten. Which he kindly supplied an enthusiastic reference for when they called him to see if it was ok. So I guess I can tolerate the slot machine thingie.

Hmmmm, to get back on topic... Maybe I can dress up like a slot machine, light up and go ding ding ding...

Kimm/Ex-Tilone