Amaron
09-08-2004, 11:24 AM
A friend sent this to me and I thougt I would share since I haven't seen it posted yet...
Subject: LIVING IN PARADISE
(Florida in particular but also applies
to residents of coastal North and South Carolina)
As you now well know, we are in the peak of the hurricane
season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see
a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what
you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
1) It is reasonably well-built, and 2) It is located in
Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay you
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is
that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy
to use, and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay
for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida,"
you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do
not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies.
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so
GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
I have a bunch of good friends in hurricane areas and feel for them. Hope this makes anyone else there smile.
J
Subject: LIVING IN PARADISE
(Florida in particular but also applies
to residents of coastal North and South Carolina)
As you now well know, we are in the peak of the hurricane
season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see
a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what
you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
1) It is reasonably well-built, and 2) It is located in
Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay you
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is
that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy
to use, and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay
for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida,"
you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do
not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies.
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so
GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
I have a bunch of good friends in hurricane areas and feel for them. Hope this makes anyone else there smile.
J