Mine

Well this originally started off as a response to Longshot's first post, but figured it wasn't right to flood his so heres mine. I don't plan on updating this very often only when the fancy strikes me, nor am I neccessary looking for input but if you're curious as to what goes through my head feel free to read and comment.

One of the things that I've found out about life is that sometimes you meet alot of good people in places you would have never expected, but because of the shifting of life you become separated from most of them and never em again. Its a sobering feeling when your sitting next to someone having a great time and it hits you that in 3 years you'll probaly barely remember this moment and the person you are sharing it with, caught up in the moment of the "now" then.

Yesterday two of my buddies got shot in a training accident. They are both okay and I'm not significantly shaken. I've seen alot of shit in my time, and it didn't even register when it happened. Its not the fact that a few inches lower or higher and a couple of my buddies would be dead that scares me, it's my reaction to it all:

I came home, ordered a pizza and went to sleep.

There was a time in my life when I was overly sensitive. Any complaint, criticism or trial of life would send me reeling. Through the many fights, real and metaphorical, this sensitivity calloused, leaving nothing but cynicism and apathy for others as well as my life.

There was a time even more recently when I saw this callousness as an plus, an edge to fight the never ending war of life. However, The farther I drift away from my sensitivity, the more I realize that I can never come back.

Its been almost three years but I am still back on the streets of Chicago. I can notgo into a store without scouting out all the possible exits and mapping out the layout of the cameras. I can never shake the feeling that somebody is always watching me, waiting, for that opprutunity to strike. In short I can never relax, and simply enjoy life. With the realization of this "reality" I then often wonder; why do I go on, what do I have to gain, where will I go and more importantly what the fuck will I do?

The path I am on will most certainly not lead me to any peace. I'm still slated to deploy within 60 days and there will undoubtedly be alot of struggle when (and if) I return to follow a college career that I simply can not afford. There is only (as there has always been) a small glimmer of hope, which may or may not be real that one day I will be able to lay down, relax and be liberated from the burdens I've carried my entire life.

The question I have asked myself much as of late is whether or not I will be able to relax even if the opprotunity presents itself. I honestly don't think I will.

So, why do I go on?

I honestly don't know.

Sometimes its simply because I have no choice and I'd rather not give the many naysayers the satisfaction of knowing they were right. Unfortunately, it appears that less and less it is because I truly have heartfelt hope. The reason that pops into my mind is staggeringly simple: I do it out of loyalty to my very few friends and family, to the ones still around and ones who are unfortunately not.

Which brings me the crux of the problem: What motivation will I have when my family and friends are gone? I've never lived a normal life. Everyday is greeted with the trepidation that someone close to me will be gone. I still remember how far my friend Ricky fell when his mother died, and I still remember those days that Ray-ray, Tavonne, Doug and my grandfather died (only one from natural causes mind you). I still remember when I got that phone call saying my best friend was facing the rest of his life in prison or something so stupid.

The only recourse I have ever found to deal with this is to steel myself from the emotions that accompany it, but the more I do the more I realize that by doing so, I steal from myself the very thing that keeps me going. The small part of me that is still idealistic wants to think that things will inevitably work out, but reality tells quite a different story. Its only a matter of time before I come crashing down, unable to go on or I slip into an unfeeling meaningless world of booze, drugs and women like every other male member of my family. I can only hope that I can somehow strive through till the end, for I have no place else to turn. I'll never have a wife or child and its doubtful that I'll meet anyone as meaningful to me as my old friends.

In essence, I'm trapped waiting for it end, but my pride will not allow me to end it myself or let anyone else do it without a fight. So what am I to do? Its a rhetorical question, because I'm as sure that I don' t know that no one else could possibly tell me the answer. So why even bother to type this out and then put it where others can read? I dunno; Maybe it will allow me to see where I have been and help me find where I should go, or maybe I'll just feel a little better knowing I got some of it off my chest. We'll see I guess. As for now I guess I've rambled on enough and should get back to work ;)

[Satira]

Sometimes I have the same questions that you seem to be asking yourself. The only thing I can tell you is, you don't have to be like the other males in your family, unless you want to. We all have free will. :hug2:

[Drew2]

Moving around a lot as a kid, gradutation, etc. has all brought me to realizing the same things you do. The people you meet and connect with at certain points and time will most likely be faint memories after a few years. It is sad and I wish it could be different, but I guess that's just how life goes. You just gotta hold on to the ones that matter the most to you and hope they can withstand time, distance, etc.

Anyway, good post, D. Very good post.

[Nieninque]

D,

The fact that you are thinking about what is/has happened to you and about where you will and where you want to end up is a pretty good sign that you wont end up doing what you dont want to be doing (i.e. what you say the other males in your family have done).

[Souzy]

You seem like you're heading in the right direction sweetie. Why does everyone always question themself? Like, you have to remind yourself over and over again, that what you're doing is right for you. I think you're mature enough to know what's right or wrong for yourself. I'm sure if you was doing all the wrong shit you was doing when you was younger, you'd most likely be in jail or dead by now D. You should be proud of yourself for getting this far and changing only cos you yourself wanted to change, not cos anyone else wanted it. Nothing's hotter than an educated brotha, GO YOU! :heart:

Originally posted by Nieninque
D,

The fact that you are thinking about what is/has happened to you and about where you will and where you want to end up is a pretty good sign that you wont end up doing what you dont want to be doing (i.e. what you say the other males in your family have done).

Unfortunately, the same thing could have been said for most of the members of my life, my father specifically at one point in time.

I remember when I was 17 years old and I had gotten into a fight with my father, beating the living shit out of him. I was staying at my boys crib until the hospitality ran out, and my aunt called out of the blue. We talked for a little while, and told her what happened and she pretty much told that everything I was going through had happened to my father and that she remembers how he was just like me when he was my age.

I don't think I've cried so much in my life.

I haven't spoken to my father since then and I doubt I'll ever bring myself to again, but if I did the only thing I would want to know what was the breaking point for him, what finally made him give in to everything he didn't want to become of his father. Sadly, I don't even think knowing would make a difference.

[Souzy]

Knowing wouldn't make a difference to you, maybe. But, I think it would give you a piece of mind.

[Edaarin]

Just keep goals set for yourself, and focus on one at a time. For what it's worth I think you're doing pretty good for yourself, and someone with your credentials shouldn't have any problems finding a scholarship or something to help pay for school.

If all else fails, just ring up Mr. Cosby.

This is what I'm putting as my lil intro to my blog whatchamallit, so any input is appreciated. (meaning if I don't make any god damned sense than say so)

Well, I've been procrastinating on writing this for some time now, but D-day is edging closer and closer. So, I finally decided to get off my ass, sit down and write this (I'll let you figure that one out). In this ?little? post I may talk about my overall feelings on the war in Iraq and war in general, some of my past, my feelings toward the army and whatever other tangent I manage to find myself on. We'll just see where it goes.
I have a lot of good reasons as to why I should maintain a journal like this, but in actually it boils down to one thing: stemming the inevitable flow of boredom. I've been in the Army long enough to know that anything you do will be filled with copious amounts of mind numbingly boring time. I guess I'm also doing this for my family, the many people I have come to know through the Internet, individual piece of mind, self realization and the ever looming prospect of getting poontang (priorities).
I guess a little introduction is in order. I'm a 19D cavalry scout currently assigned to the Army's second Stryker brigade. I was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. It's not exactly the best place to live in this country and you'll probaly hear me talk a lot of shit about it, but bottom line is that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My free time is usually spent doing school work, working out, reading books or fucking around on my computer. I've always enjoyed politics and history so I spend quite a bit of time following current events and discussing them on line. I got the idea to maintain one of those so that people I have been bantering with for several years can get my personal opinions on the way things are over there. So, I guess that's hello.
For those who have never been in the service, it's pretty trippy. I've had a lot of bumps in the road and gotten some rough deals in the Army but overall I've enjoyed my service to this country. I don't see this deployment changing that too much.


I'll be honest, I really don't give two fucks about the average Iraqi. I've met some pretty cool Iraqi's and I harbor no ill will towards any of them, but I can't honestly say my change would change dramatically if god decided to smite Babylon for a second time. This holds true for most places in the world.
However, on a matter of principal I think it was a good thing that we did in coming into Iraq. As bad as I might have had it in my life, I can't even begin fathom how some people lived under Saddam Hussein. I can certainly appreciate the good that has been done in this country, and in reality, if we hadn't done it, no one (not even the UN) would have. That doesn't mean that I agree with the way everything has gone prior, during and since we have gone in, or that I even like the current administration.
I like the fact that we as American's are willing to step up and do a good thing in the world regardless of what the rest of the hypocritical world may do or say. That's not to say that I am blind to the blatant hypocrisy prevalent in our neck of the woods, but I'm happy when something good comes of it. I don't think the fact that one or two corporations may profit from something is any reason to not do it, if it should be done regardless.
Unlike some people in this country I have no problems putting my blood, sweat, and tears behind my principals & ideals. So, with that and what I previously said in mind I can honestly say that I have no qualms about going into Iraq (and in fact endorsed it), even if I think that the American people would be better served with finding those directly responsible for the attacks on this country.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the personal fascination with going to ?war?. I guess this can be chalked up to youthful exuberance or a symptom of the super-man complex. I can't say it matters either way, because ever since I was a kid collecting G.I. Joes, I've had a latent desire to go to ?war?. I can't really say if its the desire to prove myself, the prospect of adventure, or just a certain amount of recklessness, but nevertheless the desire is there.
When I went home on leave it seemed like everyone was telling me that I was either crazy or stupid and that I should just run to Canada and sit this one out. But all bullshit aside: there is nothing that could be said or done that would make me back out of this deployment. I know I'll probaly want to smack myself for saying such things 6 months from now, but its what I feel in my heart. As much shit as I talk I won't turn my back on the guys in my unit, and I damn sure would never be able to live with myself if I balked at the only true opportunity I may ever have to prove myself a man, in the ancient sense of the word.
When I tell a lot of people these things, they all seem to ask if I'm scared. The honest answer to the question is ?Yea, of course I'm scared? , but its not in the sense that many people believe. I have the same level of fear of going to Iraq, that I've had everyday living in the states: the fear that my life will be inconsequential, marred by mediocracy and and plagued by the fear of never doing anything worthwhile. My fear is not that I will lose my life on this world, but that in doing so I will lose all the opportunity and all the chances to be something important to this world or at the very least to myself. However, I've come to realize if I let those fears dictate my actions throughout life, than my fears have already been realized, and that I have failed. In essence It's a catch 22, I have to do to live, but in doing so I risk death. I guess that is where faith comes into play.

In any event, thats all I got for now so hopefully I made a little bit of sense. I'll probaly write a little more in the upcoming days and months as it comes to me, and it will be interesting to see what effect my this will have my thoughts.

[Brattt8525]

RangerD1

The posts you ahve written, in the past mostly made me pass over them. They seemed to be filled with alot of snide remarks and testostrone. Both of which I find very...unattractive. But what I have read tonight, comes from the heart, a side maybe we all don't show enough of. There are times I cannot bring myself to read these boards, and I skim most subjects. The reason? because we each have enough crap, shit, stress in our lives, that the last thing we need to read hear or see, is more crap.

You are a bright young man, smart, devoted to a cause that only you can truely understand. You will find your path in life, we all do, in one way or another. We all have our demons to fight, so to speak. The advice i give you, is be YOU....do not let the mistakes of the past, affect your future. Don't use the crutch so many use...which is well my daddy this...or my momma that. You be a man, you stand up for whats right.

You going to Iraq, is tough, and only you can get yourself mentally thru it. In the end, its only us who can get "us" thru anything. No matter what support you have, when you lie alone in your bed at night, its just you and YOU. Be proud of who you are, strive to be the best YOU, you can be. The future will take care of itself, if you do that one simple thing.

You will be ok, you have a spirit that won't quit....take pride in who you are, and what you will be, when its all said and done.

I wish you the best in Iraq, you will be in my prayers.

Tara

hey seemed to be filled with alot of snide remarks and testostrone

Thats because they are. No sense in denying it.

Just something I posted to my blog today:

As I wait to fly in what used to be my room I can't help but contemplate the days to come. Re-reading some the things I've posted has encouraged me to expound on a few of the things I've said in the past, here and to certain people.
I've made my final preperations to depart, I've checked my bags twice, secured my finances and I've weathered the expected torrent of goodbyes, well wishes, re-assurances and promises of fun upon my return. Also, a question that seems universal to everyone I talk to about my impending deployment is “Are you scared?
There is no denying the possibility that I may never return to the United States. I'm sure my friends and family won't like reading that last sentence but it's the truth. In all reality I could just as easily die minding my business back in the states, and that I could live a long but unfulfilling pointless life. Death is the final truth that all of us has to accept at one point in time and all I can do is hope that when it comes that I am happy and content with the way that I have lived.
I remember a time in my life where nothing mattered at all to me. I didn't care how my actions effected those around or even myself. I'd still be on that path if it wasn't for the people who went out of their way to help me. What type of person would I be if I was unwilling to step up and help other people? Not much of one, at least in my opinion.
All the political pandering and hyperbole prevailant on both sides of today's political spectrum can't change the fact that hundreds of thousands people died at the hands of Saddam Hussein and there was no foreseeable end to all of it. I can only hope that my service and those of my peers can actually make a difference when all is said and done.
The war in Iraq is far from over, and the end result remains to be seen. There have been mistakes, and things definitely could have been done better all around. That shouldn't stop us from moving forward and doing everything we can. The War on Terrorism won't just be won with big guns and missles, it will be won on the home front, and in the minds of people that many of us will never have the opprutunity to meet.
It's important to realize these people so often demonized in the media are people too, with beliefs, desires and wishes not so different than our own. If we don't then we are doomed to continually come in conflict with these people who at the root of things want the same thing we do, the same thing that many of us take for granted: Life, libery and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm just a grunt, a minor player in the grand scheme of things. So, I go forth to do what I do, hoping to make a difference no matter how small and only pray that we as a society can find a solution to the lingering issues and differences that manifest itself in the minds and effectuations of people such as Osama Bin, Saddam Hussein, and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
However, until that time comes it is necessary for people to figh;. I just happen to be one of those people. So to answer that question “Are you afraid” I always say the same thing, “Of course not”. I don't say that to boost myself or appear more manly, of course there is a certain level of trepidation of the unknown and what may come. In actuality, I am more afraid of the degraded mentality that would accompany the belief that nothing is worth fighting for and that I am too good to give the next man the same compassion and asisstance I once received.

Indeed, the day that I adopt that mentality as my own is the day that I shall truly be dead.

-----------------------------------------

I've had these thoughts in my mind for a long time, and not a day goes by that I don't re-evaluate where I stand in regards to many things. If it seems like I'm repeating myself then I truly apologize. I'm just simply trying to clarify some of my own thoughts so I can better understand where I am coming from myself. Hopefully when I hit the ground I'll have more things to post that other people will find more interesting ;)

[Souzy]

I'm going to miss you D! :cry: I'm going to miss my random IM's to you from time to time. Now I have to bother you through letters, but atleast you'll get to check out my beautiful handwritting, roflz. ^_^ Have a safe and fun journey. :heart:

P.S.
Now I have to bother Sean 24-7 through IM's. Sux for him.

[HarmNone]

If there is one thing that I would wager all I have on, it is that you will never fall to mediocrity, Ranger. You are a thinker, and not afraid to look inside yourself, taking the good with the less-than-good. You work to enhance the good and to rid yourself of the less-than-good. Those qualities are invaluable. They are what will bring you through.

As you prepare to leave for Iraq, we prepare to lose you for a time. Hopefully, once you're settled, you'll be able to join us here again. In the meantime, a candle will burn for you, and my thoughts will be with you. Thank you, and all those like you, for what you are doing for us, and for the world at large. You are honorable men. Know that.

HarmNone salutes you...admittedly, through a tear or two

[Chelle]

RangerD1, thank you for being a brave man. Thank you for your service in protecting your country. I have enjoyed your posts here and look forward to more. Know that you are on all our minds here.

Thank you, again.

[Snapp]

What you're doing is so admirable, D. I probably wouldn't have the courage to do it. Good luck, and we'll miss you! :(

[Skirmisher]

Daniel, I'm so glad that we have had the chances to chat that we have.

You stay safe and let us people around this place know that you are safe when you can.

We'll miss you.

[Faent]

RangerD,

An interesting post. (I'm responding to your first.) I suspect it's somewhat less reflective than it should be, that is, you're capable of a bit more introspection, self-analysis, and belief examination, etc... Of course, it is just a pseudo-blog @ The PC, so one wouldn't expect you to put too much time into it. In any case, criticism aside, I recommend you consider Satira's advice. More specifically, pick up a few books by existentialist authors such as Satre, Kierkegaard, Camus, Doestoevsky, or Kafka. One last bit of advice. Do not adopt the motto: FUCK HOPE. Frankly, the only reasons I can offer for the last suggestion are pragmatic, and if you don't believe me, I suggest you try it out for awhile. Nevertheless, it's better to hope that in the future you won't have to rely on hope for a better future. Since realizing this possibility is possible, why not hope you'll do so?

-Scott

P.S. I'm sorry if this sounds like existential, continental bullshit.

[Souzy]

I'm going to miss Daniel. :cry:

[Myshel]

In the words of the game, more heartfelt and true to the heart...
Stay Safe. My prayers are with you.

Most important of all, Thank You from me and my family.

[Back]

See, this is what I was talking about. You go around with the “u suxor” stuff then bust out with some thoughtful, intelligent shit.

Stay safe, D. And thanks.

[Caiylania]

What you have to say and feel expresses much about how many people try to cope with the times in their life where things are so far from what they originally had planned or wanted. I wish you the best in whatever path you follow and hope that things work out for you.

When it comes to friends, I know how it is to make and have to leave them after 2 or 3 years. I have been lucky though, most of my good friends, our friendships have lasted the time and distance. We might not talk all the time, but we keep in touch and make sure that those doors don't close for good. Keep your true friends close, distance doesn't matter.

[Dnothome]

pick up a few books by existentialist authors such as Satre, Kierkegaard, Camus, Doestoevsky, or Kafka

Feel free to send some books to me. Btw. posted abunch of shit I haven't had the time to post otherwise on the little blogsite I made at thecla923.blogspot.com

[Dnothome]

pick up a few books by existentialist authors such as Satre, Kierkegaard, Camus, Doestoevsky, or Kafka

Feel free to send some books to me. Btw. posted abunch of shit I haven't had the time to post otherwise on the little blogsite I made at thecla923.blogspot.com

Okay so since blogspot wants to be beff wellington and I actually left my room out of boredom to post this I figured I'd post this here. It's been a while, and theres alot (well not alot) misisng in between but I'm sure people will be able to follow.

Anyway on to the show and P.s. Artha stole my subject line.


I've been about 2 paragraphs into a post for about 4 days now. I started off strong, I had the basic outline worked out, and had even formulated all the half-assed attempts at being clever worked out in my head. It's just that when it came time to sit at my laptop I just couldn't do it. I'd pull up the file and I'd just lose interest just as the program finished loading.
I was gonna talk about the going ons in the middle easter and how awesome it was that I had managed to find a Time, A copy of The Economist, and some sort of foreign affairs digest at the PX (score!) because they all had articles talking about the recent successes in the region. Every time I had a few seconds I'd think about finishing that post I started, but something more important like say, my 700th game of spider solitaire would always come along.
However, I think I found out what the problem was: Deep down inside I'm not much of an optimistic person, at least not in the sense that I can think the best of everything around me regardless of the circumstances. I think in the past I may have been a little too liberal with my optimism for the area, and my active participation in the affairs. There hasn't been anything major that happened to change anything, I still feel that we were ultimately right in doing what we've done. I still feel like we don good by the people here when I ride down the street and see all the waving kids, but I'm sure someone else could ride down the same street and be aghast at the same scene because of the children that could be there and aren't.
Anyway, nothing has really changed but it was been something negative that has inspired this particular post. As I was bsing on the Internet earlier for no particular reason I was reading an article about the Iraqi parliament having troubles with choosing a speaker, and how the whole affair degenerated into a shouting match between opposing sides. I'm not really stressing over all of that, because well fuck it, shit happens. I'm quite sure our constitution convention had its share of “friction” and if not theres always that got milk commercial with the Raymond Burr fanatic to remind us of our storied history.
The thing that got me was a quote in response to the incident from someone in our administration that I can't quite recall without referencing the article and since it's three AM and my boots have somehow found their way to the floor without my feet. I'll just have to paraphrase (please bare with me). All bullshit aside, someone said that the Iraqi's are setting the example for the middle east. I guess that's a good political response, but what gets me is the simplistic truth that lies beneath the obvious intentions of the statements: Iraq is the example for the Middle East good or bad.
It's true that what happens in Iraq will have reverberations throughout the rest of the region, but that's a very dangerous double edged sword. Any gains made in countries like Egypt, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Syria are likely to vanish quickly if things deteriorate in Iraq and unfortunately the regions' history isn't exactly in our favor. I guess the scariest revelation found along the line of thought I've been pursuing for a few minutes now is that there is little if anything we as Americans can do in the long run, and we'll undoubtedly receive a good dose of the fallout if any occurs.
It's been said that you can not give a man freedom, but that he has to take it for himself. That quote definitely rings true at this juncture. Yea, we can stay here and be a military presence, we can give the government billions of dollars in training and equipment, but in the end all of it will be naught if the country decides to follow the beaten track and do what seems endemic to the region; fight within itself. I guess there really isn't that much to this post, besides me sorting out my own thoughts, but I guess it'll have to do.
I guess I'll leave things off with the opening line from the two “lost paragraphs” mentioned earlier. “Hey, look at me, updating my thing more than once a month. I wouldn't get too excited though, this probably isn't gonna be a habit.”

Once again cross posting for the fuck of it.


I'm not much of a writer. I mean, I can do well occasionally but it's writing is definitely not my strong suit. In fact, English or any sort of language is the only academic subject that I don' t have complete confidence in. So it's weird to find myself in a position where people outside of my immediate family actually want to read what I have to write but nevertheless here I am.
I started doing all this as a response to another's post on an online bulletin board for a massive multi-player online game. For you non nerds that's a game like Everquest where the point of the game is to interact in a fantasy world in real time with thousands of different people. He was writing about the culture shock experienced through his time as a grammar school teacher in Asia and the re-newed shock he was anticipating returning to the life he had lived for the majority of his life. There was something about his post that resonated deeply with me and I just had to write a response which ended up being my first ever blog entry. Stay with me I'm starting, albeit slowly, to get to the point.
Since that time, I've written several other entries that have ranged from shitty to very shitty covering a lot of different ground from my time in Iraq to random things that had crossed my mind at the time. However, since that initial time I've never experienced something that has made me feel the absolute necessity to write about it. That is, until quite recently when I went home for two weeks to “rest and recuperate”. It's probably hard to imagine but the most significant thing that has happened to me since I deployed to Iraq has been returning home to the world I know, or knew. I'm writing this to sort through my own thoughts and feelings about the last two weeks. Anything else is secondary.
I don't really expect this to be easy as my mind is flooded with a lot of different things and I have no clue as to how they'll play themselves out over the next few paragraphs. If anyone besides myself is reading this paragraph then that means I was absolutely right, but you're more than welcome to try and sift through my thoughts.
I guess I'll start at the beginning. I flew from Mosul to Kuwait to Germany to Atlanta to Chicago and believe me when I say it was as painful as it sounds but for the most part it was uneventful. That of course changed when I got off the plane, walked to the train and started the relatively short ride home. Well, it did for me at least.
I have never felt so out of place in my entire life than when I was riding on the same train that I had taken countless times before. The sights, the smells, the sounds, the air, the faces, seemed so completely foreign, and yet I knew in the back of my mind that this was me, this was where I had come from. I can only imagine I looked like one of those wide eyed shell shocked veterans that are so characteristic of any soldier returning home story and I don't even like being cliché.
I just couldn't get used to the people going about their lives as if there were nothing going on. Hell, it took me several days to stop looking down the street for road side bombs or good places for snipers to hang out and I never stopped thinking about what was going on with the platoon. This was just the beginning.
Since I joined the military I haven't really gone home a whole lot. I was getting into a lot of trouble there and I just didn't really want to find myself in a bad situation for the simple fact of me being around. I certainly miss my friends and family but I felt that the best way to get around from the bullshit was to avoid the source. I have a lot more to say about this in particular but I'll come back to it later. I'm just using this as an introduction to the next thing, which stems from the fact that I really haven't been around.
As I rode the train, walked home, went to the mall to buy clothes and did pretty much everything else I was literally bombarded by memories. There were good and bad memories, but the significance of it was the fact that they were therefor ever single place I went and every single street I traveled down. I couldn't go a block without having to stop for a second. I felt like I was trapped in that hazy aura that accompanies any flashback sequence, except most of it didn't matter at all. I'd go to the store and remember the time me and my boy got kicked out for acting a fool, or just some random occurence as I drove by my old high school.
I guess the most foreboding aspect of all this was the underlying feeling that this was the past, that there was no future associated with any of it. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by saying this but it was kinda like my life was flashing before my eyes. The overall effect this had was the feeling that I was somehow looking back on a life that was never to be repeated regardless of how I felt about it.
The other aspect of it is that it reinforces the feeling that you have when you're deployed that your entire life is on hold. I have a lot to look forward to next year but that doesn't matter as everyone has something back home that is waiting on them, whether it be a wife, job, kids, car, or anything in between. So, all you do is think about these things because there really is nothing else to keep your mind occupied. It's not that bad when everyone around you is in the same boat but it's entirely different when you see everyone living their life, going about their business and doing the things they enjoy. You feel kind of out of place, like you don't belong and the way every gawks at you in a military uniform doesn't help things at all.
I didn't really do a whole lot when I was home, which is kind of surprising considering I had 7 months to think about all the things I wanted to do. It was just hard to generate excitement for things when the fact that you had to go back to the grind in a short time. The first few days it was so bad I just ended up going to sleep early.
My time wasn't completely unproductive; I hung out with friends, saw family and even got down to Washington D.C. to visit American University. It seems like everything I expected and I'm really excited about going there next spring. I'm gonna refrain from talking about it too much for the sake of not tempting fate. I talked to some of the staff and I shouldn't have any issues with my deferment because of the deployment but this is pretty important to me so I'm not gonna play around. I will say though that if everything works out I think I'll really enjoy my time there and it'll be a great experience.
The family is doing well for the most part. I didn't get to see my granny as she was put into a home while I was gone and I really regret not being able to find out where it was at. The sister is looking more grown to ever, which is a little weird but I'm sure I'll get used to it. My mom is maintaining to say the least. She still hasn't finished her dissertation but she has been taking steps to do so. So, hopefully one day soon. Also, she asked me to go to church with her which was a little surprising as the last thing I heard was that she had stopped attending regularly which was disappointing to put it mildly.
I'm not a religious person and I pretty much stopped going to church a long time ago but I really enjoyed the brief time I was there. Just walking into the building was eye-opening as I had spent so much time there as a child but now I saw things as an adult. It was all the same, but then it was different, smaller. The most profound thing was how I was received by the people. A lot of them were people who I had known since day 1, but I hadn't had any desire to associate with for a long time. I guess everybody goes through that phase, but now I could see the genuine love and affection these people had for me, and surprisingly the love I had for them.
You'd probably have to know me a lot more to understand the significance of this but “cold” and “detached” are some of the adjectives used to describe me on most occasions. It was an epiphany of the past as I used to think no one gave a fuck and acted accordingly and yet here were these people who truly cared for all the right reasons and I never really knew till two weeks ago, and yet they had always been there. I just refused to see it. I'm sure there are a lot of people who go through similar phases in their lives where they take things for granted, but mine had some pretty serious consequences and if things had went different I'd probably still be paying for it. That tells me that I need to be a little more receptive to the world around me, but unfortunately that lesson is gonna take a long time to sink in.
My grandmother is still recovering from back surgery that she had earlier this year. She's a bit more slow moving than I'm used to, but it's no where near the level that it was with my grandfather. I'm still recovering from seeing him cooped up in a hospital bed. She's beginning to move around and slowly moving back into her grind of things. When I was home I actually got to sit down and talk to her about a few things. It was an enlightening conversation as it went beyond the cursory “Hi, how have you been? Me? I'm fine, but yea it was nice talking to you again”.
I was able to see where some of my attitudes and outlooks on life came from as we talked about the struggle shes going through to get back on her feet. It was weird to hear her talk about having to leave Nebraska to get out in there in the world because it literally mirrored things I had said to my friends about Chicago. Our backgrounds couldn't be more different but yet in many ways we were so similar.
I kinda regret not being able to do the same thing with either one of my grandfathers or my granny. I guess I've been reaching out a lot more to family recently. Last year I visited my cousin Adrian in California and it really threw me how much we had in common even though we had only seen each other a handful of times. I guess having something in common with people regardless of how well you know them is why family is so special. Then again, that can be bad too.
When I was visiting the other side of my family I got to sit down with my cousin Marcus and talk about adult things which was another first, but probably more significant was the fact that I saw my father for the first time in five years. He found out that I was coming to visit and made it a point to be there. I don' t know what he was trying to accomplish but I do know that he still has the ability to make me angry beyond measure on sight. I about killed the motherfucker when he walked towards me. I thought I was beyond really caring about him or anything he did but obviously not. In fact, it's so bad that I can't even really bring myself to continue in this line so I'm gonna deftly change the subject:

My friends are doing relatively well. Lawrence is still trying to beat his case but I'm past the initial anger I had when he did what he did. Everyone else is just getting by; I can't knock it but then again I can't see it either. Since I joined the Army I've been avoiding Chicago so I don't have to get involved in the sort of things that goes on there. I know enough about myself to realize that I won' t be able to distance myself from anything that goes on. I still say that the hardest thing I ever had to do for the Army was get on that bus from Chicago to basic training. I haven't really looked back since.
This last trip home was longer than all the ones in the last three years combined. It hasn't really changed a bit. I'd be lying if I didn't say I missed it and really enjoyed being able to go out with my boys like nothing changed, but it has. I don't see anything, outside of a catastrophic event, necessitating a major change in policy. The hardest part about the whole thing was seeing Cortez's lil brothers on the same shit we were on 4-5 years ago. I can't act like I wasn't there myself but it's still fucked up to see people doing the same fucked up things. I just hope things work out and they don't end up as some more dead niggers in Chicago. I'll try and help but I'm not the one who can do anything significant. They have to want to see something different in their lives.
That's pretty much my leave. I wish I could find interesting things to talk about in Iraq but it gets kind of routine over here. I know most people don't give two shits about my personal life, but this was more for me than anything else. Thanks for reading.


.... kind of let my last post screech to a halt before I touched on something that I really wanted to touch on. So I'm doing this here, raw and uncut from the public computer terminal. I'll try and make this as concise as possible because I dunno who is gonna walk in and my alt-tab might get slow.
Anyway, to the point: One night I got to sit up with Twan and talk about the things that led up to what he did. It was difficult because he obviously had reservations about telling me and this is the guy I've shared shit that NO ONE else knows. So, I listened and it was obvious that he wasn't really comfortable talking about it. I'm not really gonna go into it, but it I guess some of the shit could sound outlandish to some people.
The thing about it though is that I really understood where he was coming from on alot of levels. I went through my times, and I had to fight my demons and until then it didn't really dawn on me as to how lucky I was. I did more than my fair shit of dirt, or even stupid shit and I realized that it could easily be me facing significant jail time, or worse.
Whenever you're in Chicago, in the hood it's like you never left. I could be a 4 star general, with 3 kids and a great life but if I walked down 79th street I'd just be another motherfucker. I guess thats what really scares me about Chicago and why I'm never there. When I see the bums on the street, or just the guys barely making it by trying to survive I can SEE myself as them.

no..

That's putting it lightly.

I can FEEL myself there, as one of them and for all the things I've done and all the things I'm trying to do I can't even imagine myself doing it, even as it's being done. Being in the Army, having money, going to college, being successful to me the shits like a hazy dream that doesn't even real seem like it's there, while all the bullshit, all the despair all the trifles of the streets are cold reality.

I dunno really. I guess the doubt is something I'll never be able to shake.

I alluded to my last post earlier and it was the thought of my father that made it so I couldn't really type anymore. I'll just add a little more on to that as well while I'm at it. I didn't say a word to the man, he tried to talk to me but I just can't bring myself to speak to the man. I think it's because I'm afraid. It's not like the way it was when I was younger. I used to be so afraid of my dad that it felt like I could face anything else in the world because, fuck it wadn't my dad. It's something different though because everything I think of him I try to imagine what it was that made him turn out the way he did. I know hes not stupid, and I know I'm more like him then I care to admit. It's just that I can't ever fathom allowing myself to be like him, but I've been told that he felt the same way about his pop and things didn't work out for him at all. The fear is that I don' t know if I'm prepared to hear what it was, because whatever it was I may not be able to handle and I'm sure I'll have to face it at some point.

Again. I dunno, and I really wish I did.

[Asha]

There are a few kind of people where you're based.

There are those who got by just fine by their former dictators rule. There will be pictures of laughing kids playing on swings and slides which are now probably destroyed. Pictures and accounts of proud men owning stalls and stores, while their women cared for their children. Yada yada, you get the idea.

You'll also find there are many, many people who snapped the day you guys arrived there and turned on their oppressor, finally seeing a chance to live a free life.
The thing is, so many of those desperate to be free, were just pretending to be the ones in the first category I mentioned.

I believe many of the people who still pray for peace are the ones that are forced to take the wrong side.
Fear of being killed, casted out or simply the safety of their families, makes them seem not to agree with your job, man.

The only ones who can't seem to help showing how happy they are that you're there to protect them, are the children you see cheering in the streets.
I can't even imagine how liberated they must feel.
But by god it's plain to see on their faces, while they raise their arms and wave you by. And that's thanks to you.

I'm always amazed by the strength of those who choose to fight.
Wether it be in your countries name, or the name of one in need.

You guys are hard as nails.

:beer: