Blazing247
07-17-2004, 03:22 AM
Inspired by Stanley's mass transit hatred, I decided I'd lay out some of the things I hate about working at a club. If you frequent clubs, take note:
1) Guys who wear ultra tight shirts. You aren't even cool enough to be called gay. You're just a loser.
2) Girls who wear ultra tight shirts. Yes, I CAN see your tits, and yes, your nipples are ripping a hole through the fabric. I'm a very heterosexual man, but seeing girls try to trump eachother by wearing less and less clothing gets boring after awhile. There is a lot to be said for covering yourself up and having self respect. This goes doubly for the fat girls who try to squeeze into spandex.
3) A spritz goes along way. Seriously, there is no need to bathe with your cologne bottle. You will smell like smoke and sweat in about twenty minutes regardless.
4) Standing in the middle of walkways. Look around, dumbass. There are 2500 people packed in here, and you are standing in the way of half of them. Walkways aren't meant for chitchat, they are meant to walk on.
5) The stalagmite (or is it stalagtite I always forget) haircut. Looking like Sonic the Hedgehog is not a positive fashion trend. Spiking out the top of your hair is somewhat acceptable, but the people who look like they sat in a wind tunnel with glue in their hair should be shot. Repeatedly.
6) Undertippers. Look douchebag, they are $1 beers. Think you can MAYBE find some pocket change to tip with? If you don't tip on dollar beers, die.
7) Flagrant overtippers. Nobody is impressed with your Jewish bankroll of two twenties wrapped around fifty singles with a rubber band to hold it shut. Put it away, the only person you are impressing is the bartender who will not sleep with you anyhow.
8) The regulars. Hi, my name is Jim. I was born in Trenton, I've lived in Trenton for 29 years, and I have come to the same club four nights a week since I could walk. I hit on, and get rejected by, the same girls I went to high school with who also come here every night wearing ultra tight shirts and no underwear. FIND A NEW HOBBY.
9) The people who just won't leave. Listen, last call is made at 1:30 and then again at 1:45. This gives you 30 minutes to finish your beer and get the fuck out. Don't make me ask you seven times to leave my club at 2:01. You'll get tossed out on your ass after the second time I politely ask you.
10) Last minute pissers. See above, but replace the guy in this situation with a woman, and multiply it by 40. Not only do you women take 20 minutes to pee, you also wait until 1:59 before deciding "Like oh my god, like, I have to piss."
11) Bad dancers. You can't dance. You know it, and your mom and friends probably know it, too. There's no need to let everyone else in the club in on your little secret, too. The Elaine dance and the Cabbage Patch are not socially acceptable dance moves. Also, breakdancing hasn't been cool since the late 80's so get your fat ass off my floor.
12) Sissy fighting. If you're going to fight, fight. Don't whine and shove eachother, knock that fucker out. Nobody respects a sissy fighter, and your chick will go home with someone else...like me.
13) The blind. Do you not see that trash can...right in front of you, right next to you, and behind you? Why must you fumble about with your blinders on before putting the beer down on the ground? You are the kind of people we let get beat up at the end of the night.
14) Document falsifiers. aka fake ID people. "So, you're telling me that you are 5'4 and hispanic, Miss Jones? That is interesting. I wasn't aware high heels could make you shorter." You're not getting in, don't even try. Do what I did and steal your mom and pops liquor and fill the bottle up with water. If I couldn't club at 16, you can't either. Bitch.
That is all for now...these are just the things I had to deal with tonight. Keep this stuff in mind when you go to a club, and try not to make yourself look like a total douchebag.
1) Guys who wear ultra tight shirts. You aren't even cool enough to be called gay. You're just a loser.
2) Girls who wear ultra tight shirts. Yes, I CAN see your tits, and yes, your nipples are ripping a hole through the fabric. I'm a very heterosexual man, but seeing girls try to trump eachother by wearing less and less clothing gets boring after awhile. There is a lot to be said for covering yourself up and having self respect. This goes doubly for the fat girls who try to squeeze into spandex.
3) A spritz goes along way. Seriously, there is no need to bathe with your cologne bottle. You will smell like smoke and sweat in about twenty minutes regardless.
4) Standing in the middle of walkways. Look around, dumbass. There are 2500 people packed in here, and you are standing in the way of half of them. Walkways aren't meant for chitchat, they are meant to walk on.
5) The stalagmite (or is it stalagtite I always forget) haircut. Looking like Sonic the Hedgehog is not a positive fashion trend. Spiking out the top of your hair is somewhat acceptable, but the people who look like they sat in a wind tunnel with glue in their hair should be shot. Repeatedly.
6) Undertippers. Look douchebag, they are $1 beers. Think you can MAYBE find some pocket change to tip with? If you don't tip on dollar beers, die.
7) Flagrant overtippers. Nobody is impressed with your Jewish bankroll of two twenties wrapped around fifty singles with a rubber band to hold it shut. Put it away, the only person you are impressing is the bartender who will not sleep with you anyhow.
8) The regulars. Hi, my name is Jim. I was born in Trenton, I've lived in Trenton for 29 years, and I have come to the same club four nights a week since I could walk. I hit on, and get rejected by, the same girls I went to high school with who also come here every night wearing ultra tight shirts and no underwear. FIND A NEW HOBBY.
9) The people who just won't leave. Listen, last call is made at 1:30 and then again at 1:45. This gives you 30 minutes to finish your beer and get the fuck out. Don't make me ask you seven times to leave my club at 2:01. You'll get tossed out on your ass after the second time I politely ask you.
10) Last minute pissers. See above, but replace the guy in this situation with a woman, and multiply it by 40. Not only do you women take 20 minutes to pee, you also wait until 1:59 before deciding "Like oh my god, like, I have to piss."
11) Bad dancers. You can't dance. You know it, and your mom and friends probably know it, too. There's no need to let everyone else in the club in on your little secret, too. The Elaine dance and the Cabbage Patch are not socially acceptable dance moves. Also, breakdancing hasn't been cool since the late 80's so get your fat ass off my floor.
12) Sissy fighting. If you're going to fight, fight. Don't whine and shove eachother, knock that fucker out. Nobody respects a sissy fighter, and your chick will go home with someone else...like me.
13) The blind. Do you not see that trash can...right in front of you, right next to you, and behind you? Why must you fumble about with your blinders on before putting the beer down on the ground? You are the kind of people we let get beat up at the end of the night.
14) Document falsifiers. aka fake ID people. "So, you're telling me that you are 5'4 and hispanic, Miss Jones? That is interesting. I wasn't aware high heels could make you shorter." You're not getting in, don't even try. Do what I did and steal your mom and pops liquor and fill the bottle up with water. If I couldn't club at 16, you can't either. Bitch.
That is all for now...these are just the things I had to deal with tonight. Keep this stuff in mind when you go to a club, and try not to make yourself look like a total douchebag.