Hi.

[Drew2]

I thought about putting this in my LJ, but there are people here much wiser than I who do not choose to read that, so I'll go out on a limb here and dump my problems to the general public.

So for the past year or so my mother has been seeing (I say seeing, I'm being nice when I should just say "fucking") this married guy who is "going through a divorce" (Yeah... for a year.) and whatever. You know... I don't care about that. That's her choice, whatever. And it's not like it's the first married guy she's done that with. (She claims YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CIRCUMSTANCES. Fuck that. I wasn't aware there were different definitions for married).

This latest guy is a heavy ass motherfucking drinker. And my mom isn't exactly a non-alcoholic herself, so let me tell you... it's a set up for some REAL FUN TIMES HERE. Anyway... so earlier this week this guy gets PMS-y so he comes in our house at 11:30 at night to go in my mother's room while she's sleeping and start yelling so loud that I can hear it in my room (which is across the house and upstairs). I go downstairs to dismiss him and he's already storming out with all his belogings he had had here. He then proceeds to slam my door so hard on his way out it breaks the glass window we have in it. Yeah I got a little mad. I called him a few obsenities as he scampered into his truck and drove away.

My mom was smart. She said it was over, that her children don't need that, etc. etc. Yay for her.

Here we are a week later. Guess who's bringing his parents over to my house today because he got back with my mom last night. (By "got back" i mean the stupid woman fucked him). I told her straight out last night that if he came back in this house, I was moving out of it (before she went to his house). Of course suddenly everything became my fault and I was emotionally blackmailing her, etc.

So either tonight or tomorrow he and his parents will be in my house. The place where I live. The place we moved to when my mother divorced the first drunken husband she had who beat the shit out of me for 10 years. The place where that guy broke into to beat her (my mother) up in front of my little brother 3 years ago. She's bringing more fucking shit, more drunken messes here.

So I'm leaving. I'm leaving and I don't plan on looking back on this woman who believes that as long as she's happy, everythings OK. Ignore the fact that she gave up the right to make decisions soley based on her own whim when she had 3 children. As long as she's fucking happy, everything is kosher, right?

Anyway. Share your thoughts, opinions, comments, flames, whatever. I certainly am not in the frame of mind to make clear decisions right now.

[Edaarin]

I'm completely serious in suggesting you make an appointment for a session with a family therapist. If nothing else, it will help you get this off your chest.

And don't do anything rash. Are you ready to be out on your own at 18?

[Drew2]

19. And yes. I'm very capable of it.

[HarmNone]

Ish, Drew. What a bloody mess! I can understand you're wanting to get the hell out of there and, if possible, it is probably the right thing for you to do. Is there someplace safe and reliable that you can go? Being only 18, and with college ahead, there is a lot for you to think about and plan properly before you close the door on this part of your life. You need to be absolutely positive that your future is secure...that you have a dependable place to stay, enough money to get along, etc.

It won't do you a damned bit of good, hon, but I'm sending a big ol' cyber hug. I'm so very sorry you have to go through this. :(

HarmNone

They sound like a match made in heaven.

Or somewhere else.

You'll fit right in.

[GSLeloo]

Tayre you've showed a lot of strength handling the situation as you have, most people don't have strength like that. Their truly isn't any advice that could be given that would make what you're doing any easier. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

[Edaarin]

Okay. Let's assume for a minute that you're capable of taking care of yourself.

How are you going to feel knowing you're leaving your siblings in that house? If you can protect yourself, that's all well and good, but what about them? You can call them all you want, you can visit and bring them things they might need, but you can't be there 24/7. And you certainly can't take them with you to take care of.

To continue. Have you thought about how much it costs to live by yourself (unless you have other family to stay with)? Are you ready to pay your own bills (utilities/gas/etc alone can run in the hundreds)? Do you have your own insurance? Are you emotionally ready to take this step?

Furthermore. Ten years down the road? Will you still be on speaking terms with your mother? What if you get married? Will you be okay with not having her at your wedding? Twenty years down the road? What happens when she's elderly and needs someone to take care of her? Someone to mow the lawn, drive her to the doctor, pick up her prescriptions? She may have done hateful things to you in your childhood, but one thing that I've always been taught is you can never repay your parents for what they've done for you.

[Vixen]

Drew,
All I can say, is I love you. And you know where I am when you need it. If you need anything, you know how to get in touch. And I mean anything.
Nothing like this is easy, and nothing anyone here says, though well meaning, is going to ease what you are feeling, even though we mean it from the heart. Just hang in there, and ask for support from the people who love you, when you need it.

Jani

[Galleazzo]

Hey, you're a man, and you're nutting up and making a man's decision. I bet you got an idea how hard it'll be for you, but you know how hard it's been.

Just don't think too badly of your mom. She got the same delusion that a lot of gals have in this society, that she HAS TO HAVE A MAN or she's for shit. Lots of women do real stupid things just to make sure they always got a date on Saturday night.

Good luck.

[Bobmuhthol]

This time I'm serious.

http://remtek.com/arms/sig/model/pl22/pl22.gif

[Edited on 7-3-2004 by Bobmuhthol]

[Stunseed]

If I were set up in OK, you know you'd have a place to stay, Drew. Transfer papers are going through at my job as we speak, I should be there I'd imagine by August 1st.

[Ravenstorm]

Damn. That's a bad situation. And yeah, I do have some suggestions for you to consider. Some have been stated already...

First, I echo the idea of a therapist. Not that there's anything wrong with you. Sometimes it's just really good to be able to tell someone who is totally uninvolved with the situation what you're feeling. And someone who can telly ou that no, hating your mother right now does not make you a bad son.

Two. Don't burn your bridges with your mother. She's sick. A codependent alcoholic to spew some psychobabble. While you can NOT 'cure' her, the day may come that she realizes she needs help and gets it herself. If that day ever happens, you might be able to have a good relationship with her. Assuming you want one.

Three. I don't know if you have younger siblings or if they're older. If you they're young? And she or her boyfriend are abusive? Think about calling social services and getting them out of there. At the least, there will be a record on file should the situation get worse. But realize just what might happen if you do that. Other family (this could mean you and are you even close to ready for this?) would need to be willing to take care of them or they could end up in foster care.

Four. Look into Allanon. Look into a counselor. Give some serious thought into if you can /really/ afford to be totally on your own yet. Tally up all your expenses. Rent. Food. Utilities. Gas. College. Insurance. Everything. You might be unpleasantly surprised at how much it comes to per month. Compare it to income.

Raven

[Atlanteax]

I don't really have any advice that hasn't already been spoken of.

Although you probably should stay home if you think there's any threat to your younger siblings.

Your mother (and siblings) are lucky to have someone with their head on straight...

... I can only hope (as you surely are) that your mom will wise up and dump the guy... or the guy just simply leaves the picture.

Meanwhile to echo already given advice, you should try to get yourself and mother into some sort of family therapy where she hopefully will understand that she's engaging in self-destructive behavior.

I got a lot of respect for a guy like you trying to make things "right" for his family...

[Artha]

It depends on how far you end up moving and a lot of other stuff, but you could possibly take your siblings with you. It's summer, they won't be missing any school.

[Nakiro]

My only advice is to learn to forgive, and do it frequently. This goes for whatever path you choose to take.

[Methais]

Grab a basebal bat and whack him in the kneecaps, then tell him you'll call it even with his medical bills for the glass door he broke. Tell him he needs to shower too.

Fuck what they say, violence is the solution :D

[Skirmisher]

Are the other people just coming to visit?

The way you said it i wasnt sure.

I hope you don't leave....but...at least please do think about it and what others have said here.

[longshot]

Originally posted by Nakiro
My only advice is to learn to forgive, and do it frequently. This goes for whatever path you choose to take.

That sounds great in church, and has zero application here.

You've got a tough choice.

If you take off on your own, it could really put an unnecessary burden on you.

I would, in a calm, rational way when you are not pissed off, talk to familiy members that you trust and see what they think.

I would go from there.

Moving out will fix your situation, but the rest of your family may suffer because of it.

You leaving will not snap your mom out of drinking and doing whatever else she does... in fact, it makes it quite easy to blame you for things.

The hardest thing is to get her to realize she has a problem. It will take more than just you to do this. Enlist all the family and friend support you possibly can.

[Satira]

Leave.

It's not going to do any good for you to be in that situation. It'll only make matters worse in your relationships you have with people in the long run.

Don't be bitter about it and yell and fight. Just leave.

[Latrinsorm]

Speaking as a little brother, don't leave your little brother hanging.

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by Tayre
19. And yes. I'm very capable of it.

why are you at your mommy's house at 19 to begin with?

College break, duh.

[HarmNone]

Originally posted by theotherjohn
why are you at your mommy's house at 19 to begin with?

Getting an education comes to mind.....

HarmNone

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by HarmNone

Originally posted by theotherjohn
why are you at your mommy's house at 19 to begin with?

Getting an education comes to mind.....

HarmNone

spending college break at home? that is sad.

If it is true you are just staying at someone else's home then STFU because you and he are both guests.

[HarmNone]

Drew has been working at NASA this summer, TOJ, not staying at home.

HarmNone

For me it was either spending two semesters of work on-campus (kinda wishing I went for that option,) or coming back to 718 and taking two semesters of night courses to obtain credits at a local community college. I went with the latter.

[Edaarin]

Originally posted by theotherjohn
spending college break at home? that is sad.

What kind of stupid shit is that? He's supposed to go out and party for 12 weeks instead of finding a temp. job and maybe defray the costs of tuition?

[CrystalTears]

Originally posted by theotherjohn

Originally posted by Tayre
19. And yes. I'm very capable of it.

why are you at your mommy's house at 19 to begin with?

:wtf: Not everyone is thrown out of their home upon graduating from high school.

[GSLeloo]

My brother is 21 and still living at home. Not just being thrown out, most people at 18 can't afford to live on their own.

[Weedmage Princess]

OR he could take out a shitload of loans to live off of so when he graduates he has all of that to pay off with no guarantee that he'll have a good paying job right away. He'll then ruin his credit and be in the shit for years after because he wasn't smart enough to stay at home and cut his costs while he gets his education in an attempt to make a better life for himself.

YAY THATS A GOOD IDEA

:duh:

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by Edaarin

Originally posted by theotherjohn
spending college break at home? that is sad.

What kind of stupid shit is that? He's supposed to go out and party for 12 weeks instead of finding a temp. job and maybe defray the costs of tuition?

Did I say party? I said sad. Why get a temp job and live at home? Get an intership or a temp job an live someplace different.

[GSLeloo]

Because if you're going to college you need that job to pay for the next semester, not to put all the money into an apartment.

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by GSLeloo
My brother is 21 and still living at home. Not just being thrown out, most people at 18 can't afford to live on their own.

I agree most people are not raised up to be adults but dependant on others either parents or some sort of government support to live.

[Drew2]

Yeah I'm so dependent that I'm moving out.

You're real smart. Please teach me to be as perfect as you.

[Edaarin]

Okay. Let's look at it this way.

He can move off on his own, and spend $400-$500 a month for three months so he can be independent. Would you spit on $1500 if it was offered to you?

[Sean]

Yea god forbid someone would rather focus on their education with the support of his/her family than worry about schooling themselves and compiling massive debt while trying to care for themselves and bills. It's possible to do, but it's definitly not the norm. Nor do I think it has anything, in most situations, to do with codependancy. It has to do with the situation that college places you in, in my opinion.

I know I live at home during the summers. I work fulltime in order to raise money to pay for what I can for the cost of my college. What does it matter if I live at home rather than somewhere else? For me its a financially smart decision. I can either take the money I earn and spend it on utilities bills and rent or I can save it to pay for school. Not a tough decision for me.

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by Tayre
Yeah I'm so dependent that I'm moving out.

You're real smart. Please teach me to be as perfect as you.

never said I was smart. Just offering my experience.

I have been an adult 2 less years than you have been alive.

If this would have come up earlier I could have let you house sit. I had a townhome in the medical complex near Astroworld right off 610 and Kirby

[HarmNone]

For the love of decency, people! Tayre has a real problem here. What the hell difference does it make whether you think he should be living at home at 19, or not? In this case, it looks like he has no choice! That, my friends, makes me want to puke!

I know that all parents don't feel the same, but I would be happy to provide for my children while they earned a degree that would provide them with a happy, healthy future. I would consider it an honor to be able to do so. In fact, I would consider it my duty AND my joy to do so.

Tayre is in a situation where he is forced to make a damned difficult decision. He doesn't have to make this decision because of something he's done, but because of his mother's irresponsible behavior. That is disgusting! It pisses me off no end, and I don't care how old he is! :grr:

HarmNone is not pleased

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by HarmNone
For the love of decency, people! Tayre has a real problem here. What the hell difference does it make whether you think he should be living at home at 19, or not? In this case, it looks like he has no choice! That, my friends, makes me want to puke!

I know that all parents don't feel the same, but I would be happy to provide for my children while they earned a degree that would provide them with a happy, healthy future. I would consider it an honor to be able to do so. In fact, I would consider it my duty AND my joy to do so.

Tayre is in a situation where he is forced to make a damned difficult decision. He doesn't have to make this decision because of something he's done, but because of his mother's irresponsible behavior. That is disgusting! It pisses me off no end, and I don't care how old he is! :grr:

HarmNone is not pleased

oh well puke and piss all you want. If he wanted all kiss ass posts about the subject, then he should have privately emailed you instead of posting here.

[Edited on 7-3-2004 by theotherjohn]

[GSLeloo]

Tayre knows to expect that as much as the good people show through so do the assholes. For some reason there are always people who want to hurt you and be cruel at your worst hours. Go figure. I've said this many many times, it reflects the speaker and not the person the words are aimed at.

Tayre has shown himself to be brave and able to see the right path. Your words can't hurt him and all it is accomplishing is making you look bad.

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Hmm, haven't read all the responses, just your's Tayre.

I'd support your Mom/siblings however you can. You only have one family, no matter how retarded they can be.

PS - If supporting your family the best you can do is moving out and maybe bringing a sibling with you... maybe thats it. My initial though upon reading your post was to move out. Only you know what is best.

[Methais]

<<What does it matter if I live at home rather than somewhere else?>>

So he can be cool like TOJ, duh.

[HarmNone]

Heh. By all means, Methais. After all, do we not all strive to be just like TOJ?:spaz:

HarmNone will work harder to be one with the cool

[Kadumi]

Drew, if I were you I'd look that motherfucker in the face and let him know that he is not welcome in your house.

[theotherjohn]

Originally posted by HarmNone
Heh. By all means, Methais. After all, do we not all strive to be just like TOJ?:spaz:

HarmNone will work harder to be one with the cool

Mock all you want. But why dont you post about your life. I will start.

I am a good at my chosen work. At my current work, I have 111 people working for me.

In two months, I will be awarded a bronze star for the work I am currently doing. I have 14 awards total.

I have a masters degree in computer information and research management.

I have been to 29 countries.

anyways like I asked and based on his answer his reason for living there was not worth the associated trouble so he is moving on

[HarmNone]

Why on earth would anybody be interested in my life, TOJ? I am living it, not them. I would think it would be incredibly boring for most people to read.

If it is important to you, I can tell you that I can match you point for point, right down the line...with the exception of those nifty bronze stars. We don't do the bronze star bit. My degrees are in different fields, and we've probably been to many of the same countries. I, however, do not find that a particularly distinguishing quality of mine. I was fortunate. Some are, some aren't. Now, does that satisfy your curiosity?

HarmNone, not into pissing contests, thanks

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

I've been to an outhouse on my Grandfathers farm, but I don't feel it defines me either.

PS - it was shitty. Get it? Shitty?

[HarmNone]

:lol2: SHM!

HarmNone choked on her Baileys

[Methais]

<<I am a good at my chosen work. At my current work, I have 111 people working for me.

In two months, I will be awarded a bronze star for the work I am currently doing. I have 14 awards total.

I have a masters degree in computer information and research management.

I have been to 29 countries.>>

Is taht wyh you're so cool?



[Edited to make spelling errors.]

[Edited on 7-3-2004 by Methais]

[Hulkein]

Originally posted by theotherjohn
spending college break at home? that is sad.

If it is true you are just staying at someone else's home then STFU because you and he are both guests.

You know it isn't all that unusual for college kids to go home for the summer right? My apartment lease at school (and a lot of other peoples) don't cover the summer months.

No need to rag on someone who's asking for help because you think it's unusual for a college kid to save money for three months.

[Edited on 7-3-2004 by Hulkein]

[Souzy]

Eash! Drew Drew! I didn't know that things was/are so bad in the home front :( You can always move to FL with me and I'll be your momma, haha. You, me and Jeff <3333333333 Ok, in all seriousness, I hope you do find a good solution with your family dilemma. I wasn't playing about FL too ;)

[Scott]

I don't know why you are asking us, you know what you need to do. You know yourself better then anyone here, you know the situation, your family, etc. You are the one that has to make the decision, nobody else. You just have to trust your instinct.... It's normally always the right move.