Relatives: Put up or shut up?

[SpunGirl]

I guess this is the sort of thing you face as you get older. Now that I'm no longer in my parents' "household," so to speak, I've discovered that I'm basically on my own with further continuing relationships with my family. I have a great family overall and it's been very easy, save for one person.

It's my dad's sister, my Aunt Pat. She's always kind of been the black sheep of his family. She's always IMing me telling me how my dad and my Aunt Donna, her other sister, are "more liked" than she is and whining about it. She also divulges things that are "family secrets" but that I suspect are lies.

She didn't come to my wedding this summer and didn't send a card. I didn't say anything about it, but my dad did, and so she sent Jake and I a check for $50 six months after our wedding. After two weeks went by and I didn't sent a thank-you note yet, I got a really nasty email from her demanding to know why she hadn't been acknowledged.

I'm kind of at a loss of how to handle it. I blocked her on AIM and am contemplating waiting to send the thank-you note until six months have passed (haha), but I know that's kind of petty. On the other hand, I refuse to send it just because she demanded it (not like I would have NOT sent it within a month or so, anyway).

Wtf is up with this? Jake says I should talk to my dad about it, but he gets mad enough about her erratic behavior, so I don't want to burden him any further.

-K

[Trinitis]

I say you get what you give. She gets a thankyou letter 6 months after the fact. She don't like it, she will learn to do things the way they should be done.

-Adredrin

[HarmNone]

Eww. She sounds like the epitome of an "old biddy", no matter how old she is chronologically.

If it were me, I would probably go out and find the ugliest thank you card available and write a lovely acknowledgement of her gift, despite her incredibly incompetent time-sense. I would then tell her that I sincerely hoped that, with this acknowlegement of her kind gift, she would get the fuck lost and stay lost! :D

Then again, I am not the kindest creature that ever lived, either. :cackle:

HarmNone does not put up with jackasses, related or not

[Mint]

Is it possible she couldn't afford the 50 dollars until she actually sent it? I know it doesn't excuse not sending a card though.

[J-Tech]

Ya, I agree with Adredrin.

[Ravenstorm]

Nothing says you have to like every member of your family. Nor do you have an obligation to do more for her than she's done for you.

You can simply email her back stating that since she didn't feel it necessary to come to your wedding or even acknowledge it for six months, you didn't feel that there was any rush to acknowledge it in turn. You should also go on to say that you really don't have any interest in these 'family secrets' and that you'd appreciate it if she just didn't tell you any more.

Or you can just ignore her entirely. Your first mistake was probably cashing the check instead of sending it back. Decide if you even want to bother with her and then take appropriate steps to make it happen.

Raven

[SpunGirl]

That's good advice, Ravenstorm. I suppose it couldn't hurt to just send her $50 back and call it even.

And while that's a plausible conclusion to draw, Mint, it's unfortunately not the case. This is the woman whose husband (my Uncle Dan) died when I was 11. She promptly (and by promptly I mean within less than a year) jerked her son out of the only home he'd ever known and moved from CA to Tennessee to live with her boyfriend, who is actually a nice guy so I don't know what he's doing with her. She refuses to marry him because if she does, she loses the income (which allows her to stay home and not work) she gets from Social Security as a result of Dan's death.

She also threatened to disown her son for living with HIS girlfriend without being married. Go figure.

-K

[HarmNone]

Can we say hypocrite? Sheesh. Send her check back to her and enclose a dead cockroach...or, maybe a live cockroach. :D

HarmNone

[Trinitis]

Originally posted by HarmNone
Can we say hypocrite? Sheesh. Send her check back to her and enclose a dead cockroach...or, maybe a live cockroach. :D

HarmNone

DAYMN harmie..thats a HUGE set of chompers there :P

[TheEschaton]

I dislike the notion that you automatically have to like your relatives as well. It's different for me, though, all my relatives live half a world away, and I've seen even my closest ones (1st cousins, etc) maybe 4 or 5 times in my life.

Therefore, I think you quickly and politely acknowledge her gift, but also mention that you want nothing to do with her. No need to wait 6 months or anything.

-TheE-

[Ambrosia]

Grab a piece of plain white computer paper, fold it in half, draw some stick figures on the front with maybe a flower or something, very childishly I might add, then place the $50 in it, say Thanks, but no thanks. Send the card and go about your daily business. Maybe she'll get the hint? :P

[J-Tech]

Originally posted by HarmNone
Can we say hypocrite? Sheesh. Send her check back to her and enclose a dead cockroach...or, maybe a live cockroach. :D

HarmNone

I can make you some Ricin if you want to send her some of that instead of the cockroach. If you dont...forget I ever just posted the previous statement.

J.T.

[Caiylania]

I like the idea posted already about the stick figure card with $50 inside it saying thanks but not worth the guilt trip.

I have family members like that too :(

[J-Tech]

Originally posted by Caiylania
I like the idea posted already about the stick figure card with $50 inside it saying thanks but not worth the guilt trip.

I have family members like that too :(

Whats wrong with my ricin scare idea? :evil grin:

J.T.

[Tendarian]

If it was me and my dad put up with it,as long as she lived far enough away i didnt have to visit her too often i think i would too just for my dads benifit. Blocking the aim is a good idea too. It cant be too hard to pretend to like someone once or twice a year hopefully. Just send a generic thank you card and sign it and leave it at that. Or if you didnt want to send a real card you could go to one of those internet sites that you can send cards over and then its cheap(free).

[Shari]

I'm backing the stick figure card idea.

I can't believe how rude that was that she did that. I would definitely send the money back, and would include a note saying how absolutely rude it was of her to jump your shit about a thankyou note when she didn't a. come to your wedding, or b. send a card until her BROTHER told her to do so. If she emails you again with nastiness tell her you don't want to speak to her if she is going to treat you like this and then block her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that but every family has to have one of them, right?

Good luck.

[Sweets]

Get a crappy card...stick the 50 bucks in it with a caladendar.

Relative or not. There's just not enough time in anyone's life to deal with a shit disturber. She does it for attention....ignore her. Just that simple. I have a cousin the exact same way. She tried pulling a hissy at my wedding. Boo hoo...I will never marry...blah blah hysterics at the back of the church. I told her to skip my reception and dance. It would just be too hard on her.:D

[FinisWolf]

I have to go with what seems to be the majority here. Send the 50 bucks back..., in pieces, really small pieces. I mean, is a lousy 50 bucks worth what it seems you are going through?

Finiswolf

[Myshel]

I agree with the majority here, when you take money from people there is a string attached to it. So take the high road, send her a thank you note, but send back the fifty. Remember she is your Dad's sister and she can cause alot problems if you are nasty to her, even if no one likes her. If it was me I would be very non-discript in any interaction with her. Blocking and not answering her emails until she gets the message without having anything to complain about to other family members.

[Jazuela]

So, this woman didn't come to your wedding, and you're upset because she gave you a gift after your father scolded her about it.

She could've told your father to take a hike. She could've ignored his scolding and not sent anything at all, at any time whatsoever.

She could've done what my sister's ex's family did - show up to the wedding and not give a gift. Or give a set of mismatched used towels like her ex's aunt did.

SHE took the high road by sending something that she was not obligated AT ALL to give you, probably to keep the peace with your father.

You -owe- her a thank you, and as promptly as possible.

You are not required to like your aunt, and she is not required to like you. But when someone gives you a gift, you thank them promptly.

If you want nothing further to do with her after that point, that's fine. You don't owe her eternal gratitude or anything else. But you -do- owe her a thank you for the gift that she was not obligated to give you in the first place.

[Weedmage Princess]

I disagree with Jazuela. I don't feel you don't owe her anything, not even a thank you. I'm not one for unsincere words, gifts or anything of the like. You wouldn't have gotten anything from her if your father hadn't mentioned it to her, which is why I'd send back the money too. She didn't do it from the kindess of her heart.

[Myshel]

Originally posted by Weedmage Princess
I disagree with Jazuela. I don't feel you don't owe her anything, not even a thank you. I'm not one for unsincere words, gifts or anything of the like. You wouldn't have gotten anything from her if your father hadn't mentioned it to her, which is why I'd send back the money too. She didn't do it from the kindess of her heart.

My only disagreement with this Weedie is that for the sake of family peace go gentle. I've been involved in family arguments that left long lasting effects. Even unliked members of families are usually the ones who know every one's buttons and how to push them. Think of your Dad, he has to deal with her, she might make every conversation a tirade on your ungratefulness. They always forget their own faults. I've found when it comes to family think twice and look down the road before acting.

[Jazuela]

Originally posted by Weedmage Princess
I disagree with Jazuela. I don't feel you don't owe her anything, not even a thank you. I'm not one for unsincere words, gifts or anything of the like. You wouldn't have gotten anything from her if your father hadn't mentioned it to her, which is why I'd send back the money too. She didn't do it from the kindess of her heart.

Then show the nasty old aunt how it's done, set the example, and thank her out of the kindness of YOUR heart.

If you don't, then you have no right to complain about her, because you're no different than she is.

[Weedmage Princess]

Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I tend to treat people as they treat me...the only difference being a family member makes is I might give you an extra chance I wouldn't give a stranger...but other than that...nah.

[Ravenstorm]

She doesn't owe her aunt anything. Nor is she obligated to be 'better' than she is. She should do what makes her most happy and her life easiest.

She should though talk to her father about it and ask about all these little 'family secrets'. Find out the truth. Because it sounds like she's just trying to cause trouble and cause a rift in the family. And if that's the case? Screw her. Cut her off completely. Her father already knows exactly what she's like from the sound of it so he's hardly going to blame her. But if that's a worry, talk to him about that too.

Raven

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

I wouldn't send anything back, send a normal card and say thank you very much for the gift, we went out and did X or whatever with it, and be the bigger person.

People are assholes in this world, why join their ranks right?

Edit: Side note, I believe it is commonly accepted that gifts should be given within a year of the wedding... some miss maners type told me that, so technically she was ok if that is true.

[Edited on 4-18-2004 by Suppa Hobbit Mage]

[Back]

Originally posted by SpunGirl
I guess this is the sort of thing you face as you get older. Now that I'm no longer in my parents' "household," so to speak, I've discovered that I'm basically on my own with further continuing relationships with my family. I have a great family overall and it's been very easy, save for one person.

It's my dad's sister, my Aunt Pat. She's always kind of been the black sheep of his family. She's always IMing me telling me how my dad and my Aunt Donna, her other sister, are "more liked" than she is and whining about it. She also divulges things that are "family secrets" but that I suspect are lies.

She didn't come to my wedding this summer and didn't send a card. I didn't say anything about it, but my dad did, and so she sent Jake and I a check for $50 six months after our wedding. After two weeks went by and I didn't sent a thank-you note yet, I got a really nasty email from her demanding to know why she hadn't been acknowledged.

I'm kind of at a loss of how to handle it. I blocked her on AIM and am contemplating waiting to send the thank-you note until six months have passed (haha), but I know that's kind of petty. On the other hand, I refuse to send it just because she demanded it (not like I would have NOT sent it within a month or so, anyway).

Wtf is up with this? Jake says I should talk to my dad about it, but he gets mad enough about her erratic behavior, so I don't want to burden him any further.

-K

Beyond what seems petty, it sounds like your Aunt wants a closer relationship with her family, however ill-phrased her request was worded. Can't blame her for wanting in on the family really. When it comes down to it, family is all you've got.

[SpunGirl]

I agree with you Backlash, which is one of the biggest reasons I've always valued my uber-close extended family (I mean, I'm really close with even my grandparents' siblings... how many people can say that?)

She even bitched at me for having my wedding "so far away" (in my HOMETOWN of Flagstaff) when we announced the location. She yelled at my mom for planning my grandfather's (her dad) 75th birthday party where HE lives, in Big Bear. She refused to come to my cousin's wedding two years ago in Lake Arrowhead because it was "too far to travel," when she'd just been in Las Vegas the prior week.

The reason for all this is because she's bitter that she moved to Tennessee 10 years ago and the rest of the family refused to move all family events to where SHE is located.

While I really like all the ideas everyone has presented, I think I'm going to just send the thank-you card. Sending the money back would not be an issue for us, but it'd be a slap in the face to her I'm not sure I want to deliver (however satisfying). Bottom line, everyone knows she's a wretch and knowing it hasn't changed it over the years.

And yes, I've talked to my mother about the "family secrets" she likes to "reveal." Most of them are lies, some are exaggerations.

She's so lame.

-K

[Betheny]

This same thing is my problem.

Since I don't live with my mom it's my job to be buddy buddy with everyone, except they never really cared much about me, so I don't bother much to go out of my way to talk to them.

I say, just send her a standard thank you note and ignore her from now on. Drama, especially family drama, is the suck.

[Ambrosia]

Originally posted by Jazuela
So, this woman didn't come to your wedding, and you're upset because she gave you a gift after your father scolded her about it.

She could've told your father to take a hike. She could've ignored his scolding and not sent anything at all, at any time whatsoever.

She could've done what my sister's ex's family did - show up to the wedding and not give a gift. Or give a set of mismatched used towels like her ex's aunt did.

SHE took the high road by sending something that she was not obligated AT ALL to give you, probably to keep the peace with your father.

You -owe- her a thank you, and as promptly as possible.

You are not required to like your aunt, and she is not required to like you. But when someone gives you a gift, you thank them promptly.

If you want nothing further to do with her after that point, that's fine. You don't owe her eternal gratitude or anything else. But you -do- owe her a thank you for the gift that she was not obligated to give you in the first place.

She doesn't owe her shit, and I don't know about you but I'd rather someone come to my wedding without a gift than to not show up at all. She doesn't owe her a thank you, she doesn't have to be nice to her. She is family, but not by choice. Blood is thicker than water? Maybe technically, but when you have a relative like that, blood doesn't matter.

I wouldn't thank anyone if they gave me a gift because they "had" to. Gifts come from the heart, this wasn't a gift, this was her trying to get her brother off her back. I still stand by my stick-figure-on-computer-paper idea.

[Weedmage Princess]

Originally posted by Ambrosia
She doesn't owe her shit, and I don't know about you but I'd rather someone come to my wedding without a gift than to not show up at all. She doesn't owe her a thank you, she doesn't have to be nice to her. She is family, but not by choice. Blood is thicker than water? Maybe technically, but when you have a relative like that, blood doesn't matter.

I wouldn't thank anyone if they gave me a gift because they "had" to. Gifts come from the heart, this wasn't a gift, this was her trying to get her brother off her back. I still stand by my stick-figure-on-computer-paper idea.

:heart: Ambrosia

[SpunGirl]

Originally posted by Ambrosia
..... I don't know about you but I'd rather someone come to my wedding without a gift than to not show up at all.

You are SO right. I can think of at least five of our friends (off the top of my head) that didn't get us anything but a card saying happy wishes, and gave us their presence at our wedding - because they're poor college students or recent graduates or whatever.

I'm so glad they were there. Even if they did drink the open bar dry :cheers:

-K