Clients From HELL

[LordBacl]

Not sure if anyone has seen this before, but it cracks me up.

http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/

Some of my favorite ones:


"It needs to capture the sleekness of the roundness."


"Let’s go for the 12 ¾ x 17 ¼ poster. Can you give me an idea of how big those would be?"


"I like the music, but it needs to be more pink. Can you make it sound more pink?"


"Also pop in a dark kid , Asian or kid with glasses from time to time.'

[Tisket]

"I like the music, but it needs to be more pink. Can you make it sound more pink?"

One of my coworker's kids identifies songs by color all the time. She'll plug the iPod into the car when they go somewhere and he'll request a song by calling it the "blue song" or the "red song", or the "purple song", etc. They both get frustrated when she can't correctly identify what song he wants from the color but he doesn't remember song titles so well yet. Apparently there is even a medical term for why he does that but I can't recall what she said it was. Just thought it was interesting.

Oh and the other quotes on that site are funny.

[Celephais]

Scinestia ... not sure how it's spelled Sin-eh-stee-jia

[Cephalopod]

Synesthesia. Like that deaf girl on Heroes.

[AnticorRifling]

Apparently there is even a medical term for why he does that but I can't recall what she said it was.

Retarded?

[Tisket]

That sounds right.

edit: er you guys post too fast, this was aimed at Cele.

[AnticorRifling]

I'm so telling your friend you think her kid is retarded.

[Tisket]

Bastard.

[AnticorRifling]

Bastard.

Not just pwnd, but FUCKING PWND!!!!

[WRoss]

I have a cousin that has something similar to that. He literally sees colors and different when he hears certain sounds. Kinda weird.

[The Ponzzz]

I could have had a field day with a site like this when I worked for the paper doing the adult advertisements. The kind of stuff they asked for use to crack me up all the time.

[Sean]

"Also pop in a dark kid , Asian or kid with glasses from time to time.'

My company had this as a request from a very big client who's essentially gentrifying a neighborhood and wanted a more racially diverse rendering to make it look better.

[LordBacl]

My company had this as a request from a very big client who's essentially gentrifying a neighborhood and wanted a more racially diverse rendering to make it look better.

I love how 'a kid with glasses' is synonymous to 'an Asian' and...ahem...'a dark kid.' Apparently people with glasses are a minority whose ancestors originated from foreign lands.

[Archigeek]

I carefully explained to a client that guardrails around roof hatches are required by OSHA, and that's why I had indicated them on their construction documents. I pointed to the OSHA citation chapter and verse. The response I got back was, "well we've never done it on any of our other buildings, we don't want to do it here or we might have to go back and put them in on the other buildings."

[AnticorRifling]

I had a client today "WTF why is this order not shipping, we received a credit card payment from the customer and your software won't release their order!" I log on to their box, look at the order in question, don't even have to go to the db files just right there in the standard inquiry.... *DECLINED next to the CC payment. I pointed that out and she quickly shut up. Congrats you just got billed for my time because you can't read, your boss will be proud.

[Asile]

Me: “So what is your budget for the project?”

Client: “Well, i figured i would find out how much everything was going to cost and then fund raise for it.”

Having worked in the non-profit world for almost 9 years now.. I can totally see that. /facepalm


ETA: And that site is like a bad train wreck. I've had to tear myself away.

[CrystalTears]

See this Myspace page, I want our website to look like that. Can you also make it play music? You can take away the stop button, I’ve seen it done before.I can't tell you how much I HATE music that autoplays when you visit the site. If there's no stop button, I'm not staying.

[Shari]

"Let’s go for the 12 ¾ x 17 ¼ poster. Can you give me an idea of how big those would be?"


I had something similar like this happen when I worked at the small family run steel fab shop a couple years ago. I usually get dismissed because I have tits so this happened to be the case.

Guy walks in.

"The guys here?"

Nope.

"You're the only one here?"

Yep.

"What size gate springs do you have?"

A 9 inch and a 12 inch.

"What's the difference?"

I'd say about 3 inches.

He stared at me - no joke - for 10 seconds with this totally blank stare on his face before walking out. Yeah I lost the sale, but fuck it. There is no way I'm selling to someone that fucking dumb. I told my boss when he got back and he got a good laugh out of it.

Man I miss that place.

[Deathravin]

Been reading these for an hour or so now... This one sums up most of them pretty well...


Make it more good.

[LordBacl]

"No, I said that everything on the site should be in all caps. That’s how important the message is."


"Could you make my website fit a A4 paper? And please, no scrolling, visitors get confused when they have to scroll."


Wow. Just...wow.

[AnticorRifling]

I can't see this site from work but damn some of the quotes you're posting hit so close to home.

I remember being asked by an exec at a fortune 100 company why hotmail wasn't used since you could check your mail at home without all the security....

Dude some of the stuff from that place gold. I think they made us sign NDAs just to prevent us from telling about their stupid.

Current company has a much stronger set of clients but still there's some winners. Here's yesterday's awesome client moment I had to deal with:

Client: Hello, I've got a problem this order has to ship today!
Me: Ok give me the order number and what's the issue I'll take a look.
Client: Order XXXXXXX it won't ship it's on stock unavailable hold and it's got to go! I don't care how you do it make it ship!
Me: Ok there is 1 item on this order, a kit that needs assembled prior to shipment (they deal with electric components for big industrial equipment) and if you look you'll notice that kit has 47 components. Of those 47 components you've got 12 with zero stock.
Client: Can we build the kit without those and send them those components later?
Me: 1) I've got no clue what this thing is or is supposed to do, but I'm guessing if it's built without 12 parts there will probably be an issue.
Client: So what are you saying?

At that point I had to call her back and go laugh. She means well she wants the customer to get their important order but damn.

[Bobmuhthol]

All the Comic Sans requests are gold.

[AnticorRifling]

Can you copy some of the good quotes over so I can chortle while I try and debug this fucking invoice program? Thanks.

[Deathravin]

All the Comic Sans requests are gold.

Comic Sans & Papyrus... They really say something unique about my company...

[CrystalTears]

Here's a few I snickered at:

Can you please put page numbers on the two-sided postcard? I’m not sure people will know how to get to the other side.
This color scheme is a bit too intense. Can we try something a bit more monochromatic? Maybe a splash of red, a splash of orange, and maybe some taupe?
I want the design to look like 5 people standing outside a theater, having a conversation after a movie, waiting to be picked up by a car… dipped in gold.
The proof just has too much purple. Can you just pull out some of the purple ink? Like 2%?
In a review stage of a clothing retailer site design where primary navigation has been stripped down to ‘Women’, ‘Men’ and ‘Magazine’ (for social media content and other offerings).
Client Tester: “Can we move the ‘Magazine’ link to the right, away from the other navigation. It may confuse people who might not know if they are a women, man or a magazine?”
We are a kickboxing gym and need a website to advertise our classes and post tournament details and results - we previously had a web designer but he could not finish the project and is in hospital now - can you help?”

Client: “Oh wow, this looks GREAT! But seriously, we want to be original here.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. When we discussed the design together, you had sounded like this was what you wanted; is there something that you would like changed?”
Client: “No, no. The idea is fine, it’s just that it’s pretty obvious to me that you traced that.”
Me: “…No, I didn’t. This is an original illustration made specifically for your company.”
Client: “Come on, even I can’t draw that well! I know it’s a tracing!”
http://content.ytmnd.com/content/a/c/c/accdcc12ea093f0a98d36ddeb7112d15.jpg

Can you make it so the graphics go ‘woosh’.” (Starts making sounds like a light saber)

[LMingrone]

Reminds me of my last job I got laid off from. Print and graphics shop. People would come in with a photo or a .jpg and wonder why we couldn't blow it up to a high-res 5'X6' (etc.) poster or something. People go fucking nuts, only because they are stupid.

[Bobmuhthol]

Client: “Will this need to be built on Web 2.0?”

Prospective client: $400 for a logo?! Why are you so expensive? My nephew has Photoshop—I can just get him to do it.
Me: Does your nephew have Microsoft Word?
Prospective client: Yes.
Me: Then have him write you a novel while he’s at it.

[Archigeek]

client: "Yes it's a paint booth, but we call it a 'dust removal booth'. If you call it a spray booth, the code official will make us separate it from the 2000 amp service to the west, or the welding area to the east". ::argh!::

[Deathravin]

Reminds me of my last job I got laid off from. Print and graphics shop. People would come in with a photo or a .jpg and wonder why we couldn't blow it up to a high-res 5'X6' (etc.) poster or something. People go fucking nuts, only because they are stupid.

But I see them doing it on CSI ALL THE TIME!

[Sean]

client: "Yes it's a paint booth, but we call it a 'dust removal booth'. If you call it a spray booth, the code official will make us separate it from the 2000 amp service to the west, or the welding area to the east". ::argh!::

Ha, I do illegal stuff like this all the time depending on what the client wants.. what you want to add 5 bedrooms to a church? oh well we can call them offices and you can deal with the repercussions later if you get caught.

[Archigeek]

Ha, I do illegal stuff like this all the time depending on what the client wants.. what you want to add 5 bedrooms to a church? oh well we can call them offices and you can deal with the repercussions later if you get caught.

I swear, you'd think people WANT to blow themselve's up. That project with the paint booth was a 110 million dollar building. The separation walls, were maybe $40,000. That's .35% of the building cost, intended to save the remaining 99.65% from catastrophic damage! Not to mention the contents of the building, which in all likelihood exceeded the value of the building.

[Celephais]

But I see them doing it on CSI ALL THE TIME!
I hate that shit. All the time I get requests to do things that people have seen done on TV, expecting it to be just that simple.

Nice little item I got today:
Client - This 8 page excel sheet... I need you condense it down to 1 printed page, but I don't want you to remove any of the data.
Me - ... Well um... okay
<After some awful reformatting>
Me - I got it down to about 4 8.5"x11" pages, but any less and it'll be completely illegible.
Client - What about if we printed it on 17"x11" paper, would it fit on one page then?
Me - no, that would be 2 pages.
Client - did you try it? (Said in a "how could you answer that so quickly without trying it manner").

[Sean]

I hate that shit. All the time I get requests to do things that people have seen done on TV, expecting it to be just that simple.

Nice little item I got today:
Client - This 8 page excel sheet... I need you condense it down to 1 printed page, but I don't want you to remove any of the data.
Me - ... Well um... okay
<After some awful reformatting>
Me - I got it down to about 4 8.5"x11" pages, but any less and it'll be completely illegible.
Client - What about if we printed it on 17"x11" paper, would it fit on one page then?
Me - no, that would be 2 pages.
Client - did you try it? (Said in a "how could you answer that so quickly without trying it manner").

What if it was a 2 sided 11x17?!

[Kithus]

Working in IT has bred a healthy disgust in my fellow human beings. I swear half of them think computers are mystical artifacts and I can perform any magic on them that I wish.

[LMingrone]

Working in IT has bred a healthy disgust in my fellow human beings. I swear half of them think computers are mystical artifacts and I can perform any magic on them that I wish.


Hah! So Dwight does have a PC account!

[Kithus]

Hah! So Dwight does have a PC account!

I'm Keith. Who's Dwight?

[Celephais]

What if it was a 2 sided 11x17?!
Heh, don't give them any ideas... it looks awful at the 4 8.5x11s, I'm trying to convince them that they just need to take out all the crap data if they want a condensed view.

Not sure why I care, I keep sympathizing and getting myself into trouble because I always try to see what the client wants, as it's never what they ask for, so then I suggest something that will solve their problem but cause me a ton more work...

[Cephalopod]

Heh, don't give them any ideas... it looks awful at the 4 8.5x11s, I'm trying to convince them that they just need to take out all the crap data if they want a condensed view.


lulz.

http://i46.tinypic.com/xbn3he.jpg

[Jorddyn]

Nice little item I got today:
Client - This 8 page excel sheet... I need you condense it down to 1 printed page, but I don't want you to remove any of the data.
Me - ... Well um... okay
<After some awful reformatting>
Me - I got it down to about 4 8.5"x11" pages, but any less and it'll be completely illegible.
Client - What about if we printed it on 17"x11" paper, would it fit on one page then?
Me - no, that would be 2 pages.
Client - did you try it? (Said in a "how could you answer that so quickly without trying it manner").


1. If you are seriously getting paid to fit stuff to a page in Excel, I want your job.
2. Your client sounds like one of our VPs. We have a report that shows about 4 columns of text data, about 12 of numerical data. He wants to add more data, doesn't want the print smaller, and still wants it landscape on one page. Um, no?

[Celephais]

1. If you are seriously getting paid to fit stuff to a page in Excel, I want your job.
Yes I'm getting paid to do it... no it's not my job.

[Deathravin]

I've been yelled at because of the dot thickness on ink printers. And that the ink bleeds slightly. Also, that the ink version doesn't look exactly like the laser version... AND that the color laser version's colors aren't exactly the same on the ink.

If you only knew how many fucking hours I've spent with a pantone color chart trying to adjust the ink and toner mix to make them "more better". Countless... and it's futile. Completely futile.

I can make two inks print very similar, or two lasers. But trying to match laser & ink you might as well just kill whoever wants it done because it will be much faster.


Ahhh, civil engineers