Can you fall back "in love" with someone?

[Myshel]

ok, I was totally knocked off my feet yesterday when a dear friend came to me with a problem. I wanted to get your opinions and see what a male and the wise females of this group have to say.

She has been married for years and has a few kids, in HS. He used to be a real ass to her, I've seen it and wondered why at the time she stayed married to him. But because of the kids (he is a terrific father), she stayed. In the past 10 years he seemed to me to have changed, treated her well and I thought they had worked out their problems and were a happy couple.
Yesterday she said that about 8 years ago she had fallen in love with another guy and they had a short affair. When he gave her the ultimatum to leave the marriage and marry him, she chose her family. It seemed to her that her husband at the time sensed her withdrawal from him and became a changed man. Her problem now is that she still in 'in love" with the other guy, she thinks of him constantly, dreams of him. He moved away and is involved with another woman and told her if she ever did get a divorce to contact him, but he wanted a chance to build a life with this woman. She believes this guy is her soul mate, and he thinks the same way.
She said she loves her husband, but is not "in love" with him. That even though he is great to her now and seems to love her very much, all the years of abuse (mental) have made her cold towards him.
She is obviously upset and depressed about the situation. I really didn't know what to tell her.
My question, can you fall back in love with someone?

[Xcalibur]

No, never. When it's broken, it's broken, whatever you can/want.

The minute a break is decided, it's over. It's always easier to break again after some arguing, after some yelling.

The "natural" way of people always show up sooner or later.

Of course there's exceptions, but that is an other story.

[Edited on 7-3-04 by Xcalibur]

[Souzy]

What he said. Plus they both went on with their lives. If she wanted to be with him, she should've done it before instead of breaking up her family, that is obviously doing better. The other man is working out things with his girl, so why mess that up too? She needs to forget him, cos that's what's holding her back.

[Tsa`ah]

Everyone perceives love differently.

To me, it's not possible to fall back in love. Love is not something that stops or suddenly goes away or wanes slowly away. It's an eternal emotion. If you fall "back" in love, you never loved the person to begin with.

Love just doesn't go away. People don't fall out of love. They just realize the other person can't be what they wanted.

You may have loved the person you wanted them to be, but you never loved them as they were.

I guess the real question would be, "Can you fall in love with a person who wasn't what you wanted them to be?"

[Myshel]

I did ask her that, and she said that when they were first married that she loved him to much. She was a doormat, to him and he treated her horribly. Then something happened that broke the straw, and her feelings changed completely. He finally went over the line, but her kids were small and she depended on him. She thinks that the event, changed him and her. She stopped being so infatuated with him, she despised him actually and he realized what an ass he was, missing her love, he changed.
She said now her kids are getting older and she is looking down the road of being with him for the next 30 years she is depressed, and missing what could have been with the other guy. The irony is that now he treats her like a queen, and is all the things she wanted when they were younger, she wants despertly to fall back in love with him.

Edit I was being mean....

[Edited on 3-7-2004 by The Edine]

[Myshel]

Edited to remove Edine's response.

She is the first one to say the affair was in retaliation for the hurt he caused her. The event that pushed her over the line was his affair. If you read the post again you will see that she chose her family over the guy.

[Edited on 3-7-2004 by Myshel]

[Ilvane]

I personally think she should stay with her husband and try to work things out. Marriage counseling would probably help too.

She had an affair, and now she chose her family. It's important to not play games and go back to the "other man" because now he's off with another girl, and getting on with his life. It's just not fair to the other man either.

Also, I tend to think if a man is willing to be involved with someone while the other person is married(or vice versa), they might not be the ideal mate, even if you think in the time you are having the "affair" that they are perfect for you.

:grin: Anyway, that's just my take on it.

-A

[HarmNone]

Ish. This is a tough one. If she is becoming depressed from looking at a future with her current husband, there is definitely a big problem with the relationship. It does not sound, in that case, as though they even have a real friendship, much less a love relationship.

I agree with Ilvane that some counselling is in order. Her marriage is at stake, and that is pretty damned important. However, if there are no deep feelings for her husband, it is not going to go anywhere. You cannot manufacture these feelings. They must come from within.

One thing to think about is the old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the street." It is not so unusual for a woman to remember, once in awhile, someone she might have loved along the way. However, if these feelings are constant and are causing unhappiness, they will eventually erode the marriage anyway. She needs to deal with them one way or the other.

At least, that is my opinion.

HarmNone

[StrayRogue]

Well, she is perhaps living in a dream world. One can fantasize all they want about lost loves. For all she knows this guy she hasn't seen in years could be happily married, with his own children. She's not in love with him, rather in love with the idea of being with him.

[Zeyrin]

I think relationships end for a reason. The time one spends apart from someone only makes you think of the good times. In reality, the same reasons why they are not together are still present. I understand why she didn't leave. Still, if it was true love, she should have went for it.

There is nothing more comforting than going back to what you once had. I wish I could go back to that point in time. The fact remains that it is best that she should move on.

[Myshel]

You know Harmnone I really think she wants to forgive and move on with her husband. She respects him and likes him, she is past the hurt he caused her. She just can't get the "in love" feeling back. When I suggested a therapist she told me that she knew of his affair but he didn't know of hers, and if he did, she knew it would be over. Listening to her I don't think they dealt with either of their affairs, even though she thinks he knows instinctively that there was someone else. I was overwhelmed not only in the conversation but in her desire to unburden herself, as she has never talked about it.
As far as the other man goes, she hasn't spoken to him in a few years and only a occasional "newsy" e mail. She really wants to let him go and be happy in his life. She just can't stop thinking about him.

[Ravenstorm]

1) She's not in love with this other guy. She's in love with an idea of what she might be able to have with someone she hasn't seen in eight years. She needs to realize that.

2) Counseling is certainly the way to go.

3) He needs to know the situation. If he doesn't, he can't help fix it. If he's a 'new person', perhaps this new person needs to court and win her.

A combination of all three things might save the relationship since she wants it to be saved. If not, then end it as painlessly as possible.

Raven

[HarmNone]

Perhaps, in trying to get that "in love" feeling back, she is looking for something she can never find. The feelings that we have when we are fairly new to a relationship are very different than those associated with a relationship that has been ongoing for awhile. Things settle into a routine, no matter how hard we may try to prevent that. The "new love" feelings of fireworks, moonlight, and roses are not, necessarily, what transfers into a lasting union. If she is looking for the dream of love, instead of the reality of love, she is probably not going to find it with anyone over the long haul. :)

She really does need counselling. I understand her reticence to have her husband know of her affair, but if she sees the counsellor ahead of the game and explains this, the counsellor can guide her as to what is the right way to proceed.

HarmNone

[Myshel]

Originally posted by Ravenstorm
1) She's not in love with this other guy. She's in love with an idea of what she might be able to have with someone she hasn't seen in eight years. She needs to realize that.

2) Counseling is certainly the way to go.

3) He needs to know the situation. If he doesn't, he can't help fix it. If he's a 'new person', perhaps this new person needs to court and win her.

A combination of all three things might save the relationship since she wants it to be saved. If not, then end it as painlessly as possible.

Raven

Thanks to all for great advice, Raven #3 is what I'm going to suggest to her. We are having dinner tomorrow night. I do think she really wants to stay in her marriage, but coming clean and coming out of the closet with her feelings to her husband is the way to go. Listening to her I think she is leading a life that is too tangled in secrets and for them to start over and have what they could have they need to a fresh start.

[Myshel]

Originally posted by HarmNone
Perhaps, in trying to get that "in love" feeling back, she is looking for something she can never find. The feelings that we have when we are fairly new to a relationship are very different than those associated with a relationship that has been ongoing for awhile. Things settle into a routine, no matter how hard we may try to prevent that. The "new love" feelings of fireworks, moonlight, and roses are not, necessarily, what transfers into a lasting union. If she is looking for the dream of love, instead of the reality of love, she is probably not going to find it with anyone over the long haul. :)

She really does need counselling. I understand her reticence to have her husband know of her affair, but if she sees the counsellor ahead of the game and explains this, the counsellor can guide her as to what is the right way to proceed.

HarmNone

That is a great idea. Thanks, I think she needs couseling more than what I can give her. I do want to say, she is a really great person, if she hadn't told me of her affair I would never have guessed it of her in a million years. Watching her and her husband together he really is crazy about her. I think its worth a shot to save. The other guy I don't know, but he has moved on and I think part of her problem is that he did, while she thought of him as her soul mate. So yes, the dream probably is a lot more important to her than the reality.

[CrystalTears]

I feel for her. It seems she wants the infatuation and newfound love she had with the other guy with her husband and doesn't know how to go about it. However as HarmNone has said, the blissful new love is not something she will get with her husband. You settle into a satiated, comfortable love that doesn't always come with pitterpatter of the heart love.

She needs to tell him everything she has confessed and both should seek counseling to deal with this with the understanding that she doesn't want to give up and is eager to make it work. She probably hasn't shared much of this with him and if he doesn't know what's going on, he can't help fix it.

People have the wrong idea of what a soulmate is. If that guy really was her "soulmate" she would be with him right now. Her soulmate is her husband. The one who has stood by her, stayed with her, despite the problems and the abuse. He obviously loves her and doesn't want to lose her. Soulmates are those that fit into your life and manage to always stay there somehow. I have many soulmates, but only one of them is the man I marry and spend the rest of my life with. My best friends are my soulmates, and perhaps that's where she needs to start. To be his friend. Once she can find the ability to like him again, she can rekindle that love that's lost itself inside of her.

[Edited on 3/7/2004 by CrystalTears]

[Xcalibur]

Women, in general, are unlogical when love is in the air.

Taken from proven sources:socool:

[StrayRogue]

I know it could destroy the whole thing, but I do think honesty is the best policy. It must be a heavy weight around her neck, keeping this massive secret from her husband. While there will be consequences and a risk, of course, that weight will also be removed.

[Myshel]

Revealing the affair I think is a mistake. Some people can handle it and some can not. The burden is only shifted from her shoulders to his. She came to terms with his affair years ago, this would be a fresh wound for him. To tell him would only make her feel better, I say let her live with the guilt. Knowing them both I can't see him forgiving or forgetting it, she could and did.
I liked the suggestion to tell the therapist and work on it privately.

[Myshel]

Originally posted by CrystalTears
People have the wrong idea of what a soulmate is. If that guy really was her "soulmate" she would be with him right now. Her soulmate is her husband. The one who has stood by her, stayed with her, despite the problems and the abuse. He obviously loves her and doesn't want to lose her. Soulmates are those that fit into your life and manage to always stay there somehow. I have many soulmates, but only one of them is the man I marry and spend the rest of my life with. My best friends are my soulmates, and perhaps that's where she needs to start. To be his friend. Once she can find the ability to like him again, she can rekindle that love that's lost itself inside of her.

[Edited on 3/7/2004 by CrystalTears]

I too think she stayed with her soul mate. Affairs are exciting and consuming, but never have the every day reality of living with someone, never have the time to get old and settle into a routine. Never also never have the time for the real person to emerge, only our best selves are presented.

[GSLeloo]

Personally I don't think you ever stop loving someone. They may break your heart and hurt you but somewhere you still love the person that you fell in love with.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<Personally I don't think you ever stop loving someone.>>

I do all the time.

[Myshel]

Originally posted by GSLeloo
Personally I don't think you ever stop loving someone. They may break your heart and hurt you but somewhere you still love the person that you fell in love with.

You know I believe that too Leloo, thats why I'm hoping she can find a way to let this guy go and find her husband again.
I have to admit I didn't like her husband for many years, I thought he was a jerk. She always assured me he had many great qualities, which in the past few years I've come to appreciate. Even though she wasn't happy, she always defended him.

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by Myshel
He moved away and is involved with another woman and told her if she ever did get a divorce to contact him, but he wanted a chance to build a life with this woman. That guy sucks bigtime.
Originally posted by StrayRogue
I know it could destroy the whole thing, but I do think honesty is the best policy. Ditto, a lot. Nothing sucks more than hiding from someone you love (and the phrase "love but not in love" makes me want to bust out Mr. Tire Iron) and doing so for a long time is even worse.

[Galleazzo]

Originally posted by StrayRogue
Well, she is perhaps living in a dream world. One can fantasize all they want about lost loves. For all she knows this guy she hasn't seen in years could be happily married, with his own children. She's not in love with him, rather in love with the idea of being with him.
Damn, I was gonna say something, but that's better than anything I had in my head.

Anyhow the whole soulmate deal is bullshit. It makes people not want to try. Fuck, how could you be fighting if that's your soulmate? Wouldn't a real soulmate just frigging know what was wrong with me without me asking and fix it? I must not be with my soulmate so I ought to go look for him!

So a lot of folk gyp themselves out of something good because it's not like in a fucking romance novel.

[Solkern]

I think you can fall back in love with someone. I've done it.

[Shalla]

Funny. I was talking to my friend chris for hours on the phone last night about this. It has been over 8 months since I broke up with my ex. I still have feelings for him, but scared to move on because.. If I love him.. Shouldn't I wait till there's absolutely no hope? It doesn't matter that he didn't live up to his promise.. I promised I would love him no matter what, and that I would not move on so easily. I don't like breaking promises.. to people and to myself.

I still love him. My heart says I want to be with him. My mind says otherwise. I don't do rebounds, and I promised myself I will wait till I am over him before I move on.

But I'm left wondering.. Would I take back the man I still love.. who has single handedly made me feel the worst pain in my entire life combined?

The past 8 months has been miserable days. I hoped that within a year.. I would be over him. If not?

Would I be breaking my promise and breaking my credibility by being with someone else? Would I be jeopardizing my credibility and self respect by doing so?

[Edited on 3-8-2004 by Lady Shalla]

[Galleazzo]

Originally posted by Lady Shalla
Would I be breaking my promise and breaking my credibility by being with someone else? Would I be jeopardizing my credibility and self respect by doing so?
Shalla, gonna get harsh here. Sorry in advance.

Get a grip and be a grownup. Who the hell cares whether you're being credible or not? If you made a promise to set yourself on fire if you ever stopped loving him, would you do that? No one says you have to shut your feelings off like a faucet, but sooner or later you have to think of yourself and not pull teenage romance novel stuff. Do what you gotta do to move on and live your life for yourself, not for the corpse of something that ain't getting raised.

[Shalla]

I've been trying.. my friends talk to me about it, even though I never open up. I can be so stubborn sometimes.

[Myshel]

First of all I want to thank all of you for your thoughts. I printed out the posts and took them to dinner with my friend. At first she was freaked that I posted, but realized the anonymous quality of the boards was fascinated by the responses and caring you all took with your answers.

I think talking about it has helped her already.

[HarmNone]

I am glad to hear that, Myshel. She is fortunate to have such a friend as you. It often helps just to talk something out. If anything that any of us said helped her, then these boards have served a purpose outside that for which they are intended, eh? That is a Very Good Thing! :D

HarmNone

[Xcalibur]

From a personal and guy point of view, and as Wezas pointed out, it'S easy to manipulate girls that are still "in love" with you when you want the bed-action.

Evil, yes
Easy, yes too

I'm sure most of us are glad women are emotional like that :D

[Galleazzo]

Originally posted by Xcalibur
I'm sure most of us are glad women are emotional like that :D
Lord lifting Jesus.

I once was "glad" like that. Knew a lady who was hung up on me. We were lovers, but I wasn't in love with her, and I told her so. She was in love with me and wanted to stay sleeping with me because maybe there'd be a chance I'd change my mind and she was all weepy over me maybe leaving. She was decent company and fine in the sack so I went along. I knew I wouldn't change my mind and I didn't, but I kept up the same.

It was a long time ago but it's still the shittiest thing I ever did to a woman, using her like that, and I ain't proud of it. So maybe I ain't so glad now that a lot of gals will do anything to keep a man, even let themselves be used. Never fucking again will I use a woman like that.

[SpunGirl]

I have to respect your stance, G. However, I have issues with women who ALLOW themselves to be used like that. I think every girl might have done it at least once. There's a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship and isn't into that kind of stuff, and the girl thinks, "I can change him, he just hasn't met the right girl yet! He'll want a relationship with ME."

That alone doesn't make them idiots. The ones who grate on my nerves are the ones who do it OVER and OVER and OVER. Sleep with a married or otherwise attatched man and get all weepy when he doesn't leave his S.O., or seduce the confirmed bachelor and act surprised when he doesn't cave. Then whine to their friends that they "always" pick the wrong man and "no one" out there will ever want to be in a relationship with them.

Bla.

-K

P.S. Myshel, I think you're a good friend to be there for your pal through this. I hope it all turns out OK, but if her husband leaves her because SHE had an affair (when he did too!) then he really does suck.

[Galleazzo]

Yeah, I hear you. Sorta like a letter to Miss Manners once. Woman wrote in to her saying she'd met a guy at a singles bar, they hit it off, they went to her place, they got it on all night, it was great, but WTF, he didn't send her flowers or call after or anything! Miss Manners said she'd heard of this social form called a "one-night stand" that as far as she knew meant a screw with no strings, the writer was kinda out of line insisting on more, and maybe she wanted to stay out singles bars if she wanted something other than impersonal fucks.

Okay, Miss Manners didn't say "fuck." You know what I mean.

Still there's enough women out there without me using a gal I know's hung up on me. Sure there's idiots out there, but I don't need to load the gun for them.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<I've banged old girlfriends before.>>

Hero alert.

[Caiylania]

Originally posted by Latrinsorm

Originally posted by Myshel
He moved away and is involved with another woman and told her if she ever did get a divorce to contact him, but he wanted a chance to build a life with this woman. That guy sucks bigtime.
Originally posted by StrayRogue
I know it could destroy the whole thing, but I do think honesty is the best policy. Ditto, a lot. Nothing sucks more than hiding from someone you love (and the phrase "love but not in love" makes me want to bust out Mr. Tire Iron) and doing so for a long time is even worse.


We agree!! :::grins at Latrinsorm:::

[Caiylania]

Originally posted by Galleazzo
Never fucking again will I use a woman like that.


<3 Galleazzo

[Galleazzo]

Awww ..... :blush:

[Wezas]

Galleazzo manliness = 80%

Originally posted by Galleazzo
Sorta like a letter to Miss Manners once.

Galleazzo manliness = 50%


Originally posted by Galleazzo
Never fucking again will I use a woman like that.

Galleazzo manliness = 20%

[Galleazzo]

:lol:

Heh, I don't care. Miss Manners is a smart lady and I don't mind not making a lady feel like a whore just so I can get a piece. So I'll be proud of my 20%.

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by Caiylania
We agree!! :::grins at Latrinsorm::: If I were a betting man, I'd bet we agree more than we disagree. :yes:

[Edaarin]

Absolutely you can.

But then again, I wonder how much of it is more of a feeling like, "I used to be with her, and now I can't have her." Seeing someone you used to date with another guy makes her more attractive for some reason...and inevitably the thought that whoever she's with now is a pussy and not good enough for her.