E-mails from an Asshole

[NocturnalRob]

http://dontevenreply.com

This site has had me laughing my ass off all day. Hilarious.

[Bobmuhthol]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=38

Awesome.

[Tea & Strumpets]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=38

Awesome.

I didn't think it was funny at first, but I started chuckling at the end.

For some reason this part made me laugh a lot:


- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.

[NocturnalRob]

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=40

silly asians always eating kittens

[Deathravin]

Read every single one. That was fucking hilarious.

[NocturnalRob]

yeah, i did the same thing. good use of the better part of an hour. hope there are more updates soon.

[TheEschaton]

This would be funny if they were real, and not written by the website's creator to fuck with people.

[AnticorRifling]

Blocked from work, someone copy and paste something worth reading while I wait on this client's permission to DFU her data.

[Fallen]

Can't poke around too much as I am at work, but here is the one Bob linked. Funny stuff.



Original ad:
i am 17 years old and looking to buy my first car! if you have a good, cheap and reliable car for a student please let me know. thank you!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@*******.org

Hey there!

I saw your ad and have a great car for a young driver such as yourself. I am selling my beautiful 1992 Toyota Camry. This car is almost perfect. 148,342 miles on it. I need to go to Wawa tomorrow, so that mileage might change. I'm estimating it will be somewhere around 148,347 miles. If this is a problem, let me know and I will ride my bike to Wawa.

The car has a few MINOR problems but nothing too bad:

- The ashtray is stuck shut from when I accidentally spilled a beer on it. I think there is like $2 in change in there, so if you can open the ashtray, it's all yours.
- Due to a bad trip in Philly, I no longer have a radio. I run an old boom box through the cigarette lighter, however, and it sounds great. It is a 1986 Sony Cassette player. I'll throw in a Raffi cassette tape for an extra $10. The tape is Raffi in Concert with the Rise & Shine Band, and is an excellent album.
- The glovebox is locked and I lost the key to it, so it won't open. Unfortunately there was a tuna sandwich locked in there, and you can smell it in the car. It isn't that bad if you light some incense. I dropped a few sticks of incense between the seats, you can have them if you find em.
- The hood latch is broken and the hood will occasionally fly up and hit the windshield while driving. The windshield is currently cracked from the last time this happened, but the crack isn't that bad. In fact, it helps air out the stench of the tuna.
- Needs new front and rear brakes. The ones on there don't really stop, but if you give the emergency brake a good tug it should take care of everything.
- There is a hornets nest somewhere under the hood. I have no idea where. Occasionally a hornet will blow in through the air conditioning vent, but I will include a fly swatter above the visor.
- There is some blood on the passenger seat and all over the side of the door. If you are ever pulled over and the police ask about it, just tell them the previous owner hit a deer. Don't say who I am though.
- I bought the car from someone who replaced the original horn with a freight train horn. It is really loud and I don't recommend using it, I have caused several accidents with it.

Besides these problems, this is a great starter car for any young driver! I actually call it the "ladies mobile" because the chicks dig it.

I am asking $6000 for it, but am willing to negotiate.

Thanks,

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

hey thanks for the offer! $6000 sounds like a little much for that car. my dad only gave me a $4000 budget, would you be willing to take that?

From Mike Anderson to joey ********
Son, you obviously have no experience in buying vehicles. When I said I was willing to negotiate, I meant I was willing to take more money for the car if you wanted to give it to me. Minimum is $6,000. Talk to your dad, and he will tell you that this car is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. He'll be pissed if he saw that you passed this up.

Mike

From joey ******* to Me

What the hell is wrong with you? That car is a piece of shit! Stop e-mailing my son, you moron.

[NocturnalRob]

This would be funny if they were real, and not written by the website's creator to fuck with people.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THAT!! YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY!


Blocked from work, someone copy and paste something worth reading while I wait on this client's permission to DFU her data.


Original ad:
Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach

i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org

Hey,

I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?

Mike

From chris ******** to Me

i am male. what time did you want to leave?
-chris

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Chris,

I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time.

Mike

From chris ******** to Me

wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride!

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

From chris ******** to Me

stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!!

From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Yeah, I'm sure he does.

I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him.

[MrTastyHead]

From Timmy Tucker to ***********@**********.org
RE: Swingset Assembly

Hey,

I saw you are looking for someone to assemble your wooden swing set. First off, I must say that a swing set is a horrible toy for a child. I had a swing set as a kid, and broke three of my ribs and tore my ACL on it. My career in little league soccer was ruined. I recommend that you get your child a sandbox. I have an old sandbox that I am not using, and would be willing to sell to you for $300. It is an awesome sandbox. It is shaped like a turtle, and the lid is part of the turtle too. It comes with beautiful sand filled from a beach on Coney Island, NY. Let me know if you are interested.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

i dont want your sandbox. i already bought the swingset for my kid and am sticking with that. its your own damn fault you got hurt on your swingset

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

John,

Actually it is not my fault. The swingset had a faulty design and the swing came off while I was in the air, and I was sent flying into oncoming traffic. I am lucky to be alive. If you do not want your son mangled by a Dodge Caravan, then you should buy my sandbox instead. Sandboxes are 100% safe.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

fuck your sandbox. i want my kid to have fun, not to sit in some dirty ass sand from new york. i am not an idiot and will not set up my swingset where my child can be thrown into oncoming traffic.

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

Well it sounds like you won't set up your swingset at all without my help. Are you a quadriplegic? Why are you incapable of putting a swingset together?

If you are a quadriplegic and I have offended you, I am sorry. In that case, would you be interested in my sandbox for your crippled body to relax in? Seeing as you can't use the swingset anyway, it would be way more practical for you.

From John ******** to Me

FUCK OFF STOP EMAILING ME
__________________________________________________ ___________
Original ad:
im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female, and would prefer to ride with another female or young(21-ish) person.

From Mike Anderson to ************@*********.org

Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I'm 21, so you don't have to worry about riding with some old creeper.
Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie,

I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won't turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says "I'm Melanie" ? I'll look for you.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
wow i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Melanie, I'm sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don't want to stand out there with a sign?

From Melanie ******** to Me
what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well shit Melanie, I didn't think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I've done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I'll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren't crushed. You can have my video ipod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of Deadwood on it. You aren't fat, are you? I don't want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

Mike

From Melanie ******** to Me
are you fucking with me? this has to be a joke. there is no fucking way im doing that

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Oh, you aren't a Deadwood fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit "Gigli" on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

From Melanie ******** to Me
NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE FUCKING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Okay, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can't fit in the duffel bag that's fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus. You can sit next to me if you want, but I want the window seat. I also have to get up a lot to pee so you will have to get up so I can squeeze out.

From Melanie ******** to Me
IM NOT RIDING THE BUS! I'LL FIND ANOTHER RIDE

From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
Well you owe me $70 for the ticket! I can't return it!

From Melanie ******** to Me
I NEVER SAID TO BUY IT! THAT IS YOUR FAULT DUDE GOODBYE

[TheEschaton]

I'm just saying, the EMail about hauling the fridge up the 67 flights was funny when I thought someone was serious about it. When I read that he was purposefully fucking with people, it was less funny, more pathetic.

[AnticorRifling]

These are gold.

[Drew]

Somehow this woman knew exactly what I was trying to do.
Original ad:
litter of 5 kittens. two orange, two black, one mixed-grey. all are three weeks old and looking for a good home!


From Yin Chang to *********@***********.org

hello

i buy all kitten you have. how much?

- yin chang


From ************@hotmail.com to Me

Sorry. These kittens are not being sold for food.

[CrystalTears]

I'm just saying, the EMail about hauling the fridge up the 67 flights was funny when I thought someone was serious about it. When I read that he was purposefully fucking with people, it was less funny, more pathetic.
I just find it funny how far people will argue with him instead of dismissing it from the start. It's on par with crank callers where the funny ones are the ones who continue to argue with the caller knowing how ridiculous it is.

[NocturnalRob]

I just find it funny how far people will argue with him instead of dismissing it from the start. It's on par with crank callers where the funny ones are the ones who continue to argue with the caller knowing how ridiculous it is.
That's the point. The E is confused. It's common among Boston residents.

[TheEschaton]

We are the People's Republic, comrade, we don't understand mocking people for no real reason. ;)

(unless they're Republicans, but that's a real reason.) ;)

[AnticorRifling]

We are the People's Republic, comrade, we don't understand mocking people for no real reason. ;)

(unless they're Republicans, but that's a real reason.) ;)
TheE is making progress. By his own admission in the above statements Republicans are people.

[NocturnalRob]

TheE is making progress. By his own admission in the above statements Republicans are people.
baby (goose) steps, AR. baby (goose) steps.

[Cusack]

these are great. Even some of the comments on that site got a lol outta me:

Comments:
Mak (2009-07-07 22:58:09)
Holy crap, I'm pooing while reading this (god bless the wifi) and every explosion of laughter makes me shit better and better. Srsly, this is better than bran.

[Danical]

These emails remind me of SomethingAwful Truth Media reviews.

These aren't quite as loltastic as the Truth Media reviews on SA but nevertheless, these are certified Gold.

[Ashlander]

The comments are the best. Like this one
-- Beth (2009-07-09 10:32:00)
I suck cock.

Anyone we know?

[Asha]

Quality. Thanks for linking that shit lol

[Drew]

TheE is making progress. By his own admission in the above statements Republicans are people.

LOL, fuse rep.

[The Ponzzz]

The comments are the best. Like this one
-- Beth (2009-07-09 10:32:00)
I suck cock.

Anyone we know?

:rofl: