Things that make me want to say "fuck it." Shortcomings, asiprations and shitty realities

[SpunGirl]

Yeah, sometimes I think I'm cracking up.

On one hand I have my shit (not literally, OK,) on a platter. I have a job I geniunely love and a husband who is easily one of the best guys I've ever met. Do I love him? Of course I do. We're not wealthy, but we're doing fine - money isn't something we constantly worry about. I have the cats, who are stupid, but that's why I like them. What else could I possibly ask for, right?

Then sometimes I get pissed off - like, REALLY pissed off - that he doesn't understand something I say, or a desire I express. Like the other night I was talking about wanting to go to Egypt and Greece, and India. I've toyed on and off for the past few years with the idea of living in India for a year to study Hinduism because it interests me. I casually expressed this to him. You'd think I'd just told him my real name was Joe and I was a guy for the shock value. I guess I should have done this before I was married, right?

Now you're going to be like, "You shouldn't have gotten married so young, you're only 23, bla bla."

And yet when things are good (which is often) I can't imagine my life without him. Even when things are the best, though, I still entertain other thoughts. Some of you might remember the post I made about Chad, my boyfriend from high school that I twist-of-fate bought the book from and had stopped talking to me after I got engaged. He recently started emailing me again. I told him I was going to SimuCon in June (he lives in Missouri) and he immediately insisted that we get together for a day.

Does it mean I love Jake any less that I'm like, totally thrilled about seeing him again? I can remember exactly how he smelled and how it felt when he hugged me. I can't wait.

Sometimes I think life has dealt me like, the ultimate hand. I have a great job, husband, home, family, friends - both online (something I never thought possible until I met people like Chris/Marclar, for example) and out of game. So why do I keep seeking out "extras?" I don't understand why I should possibly be so unsatisfied as to keep turning over every stone within rich - and some that are out of reach - looking for god only knows what.

Yeah, Kristin is cracking up at the ripe old age of 23. Wtf.

-K

[AnticorRifling]

Here is my answer. You're a woman, you will never be understood. You read into things looking for hidden meanings that aren't there. Start taking things at face value.

Example:

Girl "I want to run off to India and live there for a year to study Hinduism."

Guy(who uses logic)
"Why the fuck would you want to do that?" (Meaning, have you made any preperations for this trip, jobs, family, cats, etc all need to be seen to before you can just run off. This is life not a movie)

Girl hears:

Blah blah fuck, blah don't understand you blah blah

Sit back and relax life can't possibly contain so much drama that it requires getting worked up over (Which is the trait in me the wife hates most. The fact that I don't get worked up over anything she feels is life changing or important.)

[Edaarin]

Women are insane.

Good luck with that. Men are insecure.

[longshot]

I think it's natural to want more than you have. It doesn't have to be material either.

I won't downgrade your feelings by posting similar thoughts of my own, but I've had similar thoughts myself.

Look at the really insanely rich who have everything. They have nothing left to attain, so they try to fly around the world in a balloon. It's their India, I guess.

I don't think it means that you don't love your husband.

With safety, comes boredom though...

I'm not one to give advice on what's healthy in a relationship. At all. I'll concede that. Just know you aren't alone in your thinking.

[Myshel]

I think all of us who play rp games are dreamers at heart. We spend alot of time and energy being something we aren't. That rl sometimes seems dull after fighting dragons and dealing with millions of silvers may seem a bit dull. Don't confuse dreams with reality.
One of the fallacies of married life is that if your significant other really loved us they would KNOW what we think and feel. Its hard to walk in anothers mind and heart.

Spun you need to look at it this way
What would you do if he said," Oh i want to go to tibet and study to be a monk. I wont be seeing you for a year or so and being where I am we might talk once every other week. Oh you can come with me but my life is going to be fairly buisy."
And why get together with this guy, you have a loving husband and a family as you said. Somebody you had a relationship with and got pissed off and stopped talking to you when you got engaged? Not a worthy friend in my opinion, worth anyones time.
just my two sense though, think about how you would react if he said the same thing to you.

[Caiylania]

I would love to go to Egypt, I love their ancient culture. It can be hard when the person you are married to doesn't understand a dream or seems to blow it off. Don't beat yourself up about being hurt or reacting certain ways.

Have you talked about it with him again? Try it, discuss it more maybe. Ask him his thoughts of seeing other cultures.

caiylania, you did read her whole post she said,"I want to go to india for a year and study hinduism."

That is diffrent than wanting to go on vacations. IMO

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

I agree with Edine on this point actually... If a friend stops talking to you because of who you associate with;

1) They aren't really a friend, you can make the same point (I'm upset you are getting married) without not being a friend anymore
2) In your case, they are in the relationship only for themselves, and realizing you aren't "attainable" anymore, are cashing in
3) and lastly, why risk what you yourself say is a good, healthy relationship to meet with someone that has a chance? of being something else?

On a side note;
I recently got a new roommate and a person stopped talking to me because of it. I'm bothered that my worth as a person is measured by who lives with me, but oh well. Its the same petty, immature shit I'd expect from highschool, so I'm over it.

Its alright man. We can beat him down in the gym locker room after 6th period.

[MaryJane]

I think it's natural for a people to have feelings for their ex's (ok, most ex's, others you still want to stab them in the eye with a pencil eight years later) and remember certain things about them.

I dated this guy in highschool, off and on for seven years. We stopped talking the last time we broke up but we still have the same friends, so occasionally we'll see each other and have to talk. He's married now, etc, but when I see him, I just remember the fun we used to have.

I wouldn't sweat it, just don't act on any impulses and remember you're just thinking of what used to be and remember your loving husband and your stupid cats :)

[Caiylania]

Originally posted by The Edine
caiylania, you did read her whole post she said,"I want to go to india for a year and study hinduism."

That is diffrent than wanting to go on vacations. IMO

I didn't say vacation, I said to learn about other cultures. Sometimes, its amazing the things that can get us to do things we never would on our own.

He might get there and love it, or might not.

But you should have a plan, an idea of what to do when you get there and also respect what he needs from life. Does he have a job he can't leave? Responsibilities?

This is also of course assuming you mean sooner rather than later. He / you might see it differently in 5 years.

[HarmNone]

Actually, Spun, your post made me smile. The feelings you describe are neither unusual nor the beginnings of creeping insanity. ;)

To have a questing mind is a gift; although, sometimes it might seem like a curse when others do not understand. To wish to experience other cultures, see other worlds, and immerse oneself in something other than that which is familiar is not a bad thing to do. It is what makes some of us who we are. If you are fortunate enough to be able to do this, at any time in your life, you will find you have "caught the ring" on the merry-go-round that is life. It is definitely a life-changing experience.

As far as meeting up with the guy who stole your young heart, what is so wrong with that? Will you feel the same about him now as you did then? Who knows? Are you woman enough to deal with the issues such a meeting will present? I think so! From what I have seen of you here, you are more than capable of enjoying his company while remembering that the man you love NOW is waiting for you back at home. Again, there is no wrong in remembering happy times with a smile, and in sharing those memories with someone who was there when they were made. The fact that your present husband is not the kind who will try to prevent you from going to SimuCon tells me that he is mature enough not to try to put you in a cage. :)

Dream your dreams, Spun. Never stop dreaming. Do what you can to make those dreams come true, and never let anyone tell you your dreams are wrong...even yourself.

HarmNone, inveterate dreamer and never sorry

[CrystalTears]

Your husband is letting you go to Simucon alone? What a find! Hold onto that man!

I just hope you're honest with him and tell him that you're going to be running into your ex so that he can continue to feel that he can trust you.

[Soulpieced]

Just coming from a man's point of view, I'd say don't do anything along the lines of hooking up or anything of the sort. Marriage is too much than to go throw your life away by getting it on with an old boyfriend at Simucon.

[Wezas]

No, everything's perfectly fine, Spun.

Everyone needs a little strange now and then.

<runs for cover>

[HarmNone]

Umm, why does remembering someone fondly, and smiling at the thought of giving them a big hug, necessarily have to equate with "doing the nasty"? This is something I simply do not understand at all. :?:

HarmNone has friends who are not sex partners

[Soulpieced]

That's from a woman's point of view Harmnone. As a man, one must protect his territory. Yet one of the mysteries women will never understand.

[Soulpieced]

Please refer to here.

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html

[HarmNone]

Heh. Oh, Soulpie! It could SO be ON! :D

I will allow the "territory" comment to slide; however, I do wonder what it is "men" feel they must protect. If a woman loves you, what are you protecting yourself from? Why is that male friend such a threat?

HarmNone will never understand this

[Soulpieced]

"HarmNone will never understand this"

.

Checkmate.

[HarmNone]

Heh. You have a point, Soulpie. I have asked this question of many, many men. I have yet to get what I would consider an "answer". :D

HarmNone concedes

[Betheny]

I've been in that situation.

The thing is, guys don't like the thought of you leaving them behind. Even if you aren't married or committed. It's a guy thing.

If you want to, stroke the ego and make sure he knows it isn't that you're unhappy, etc. Me? I say screw it. Talking about pipe dreams is sharing aspirations and dreams with that person, they sure as hell shouldn't get upset with you about it. Unless, of course you show up with a plane ticket and say "Bye, honey" or some craziness like that.

[Edaarin]

Ahem. I refer you to Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker.

Men can't have platonic friends. We just have women we fucked, and women we haven't fucked yet.

Women can have platonic friends. First thing a woman does when she breaks up with her boyfriend is run to her friend, 'I'm so sad'. To women, men are like a dick in a glass case, break in case of emergency.

To HN: there are different levels of security. If we're out at dinner and someone is checking out my girlfriend, don't even pay attention to it. Ex boyfriends, however, that's a whole new thing. I sure as hell wouldn't be comfortable with it, but I don't control anyone so she'd be free to make that decision, and I'd have to trust her not to act on any impulses. I know that I avoid my ex girlfriends like fire (because of this and because they're all crazy ass bitches). Easiest way not to deal with the worst case scenario is just not to put yourself in that position.

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

:stupid:

[Soulpieced]

Here is the actual perfect page, taken from http://www.intellectualwhores.com/virginia.html

.

Back to the Beginning: Yes Virginia, They All Want to Bang You.
You'll note that a man has one ladder while a female has two. The man is lacking a "friends ladder." The man's ladder reflects the conventional wisdom that a man generally only wants one thing. That's because the conventional wisdom is correct. This leads us back to the conclusion that many women I have explained this to find so distasteful:

IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS

Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:
The guy is gay
The guy does not find you attractive.
The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder
Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criterion on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:
Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.
Comply
Remember this only works if you are honest with yourself. Number one is of course something that guys hear all the time. Intellectual Whores refers to it as the Kiss of Death. It is more likely that he will jump you eagerly.

[HarmNone]

Hee! Loved the link, Soulpie. A fascinating study in circular reasoning, obviously written by a guy who is poverty stricken and singularly unattractive to women. ;)

well harmnone I agree with what the guy wrote 110% and you yourself inside know its true

[HarmNone]

I have never denied it is true. I still search for an answer as to WHY it is true. ;)

HarmNone...tell me the "whyness" of it

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by HarmNone
HarmNone...tell me the "whyness" of it God has a funny/twisted sense of humor.

[Galleazzo]

Originally posted by Galleazzo

Originally posted by Soulpieced
That's from a woman's point of view Harmnone. As a man, one must protect his territory. Yet one of the mysteries women will never understand.
Jesus Christ, I don't understand it either. My wife is my wife, not my property. She wants to meet an ex-, sure, whatever. She wants to have a fling, go on a trip without me, sure, whatever, as long as it's me she comes home to. I don't frigging own her.

Now for my money if Kristin wants to go to Simucon alone, why not? If she wants to meet her ex- to talk over old times, why not? If they fall into bed and wave goodbye the next day, who did that hurt? Ain't enough love and caring in the world. And if she wants to visit Egypt? Well, is she coming back? If she does, she was meant to, and if she doesn't, she wasn't all that locked down. A cage doesn't improve a marriage.

Anyone who says they can only love one person and no one can love them and anyone else, that's one uptight, insecure fellow.

:wow:

[SpunGirl]

Hrm, you guys have a lot of interesting viewpoints. To have HN assure me that I'm NOT going slowly insane is like candy to the dentist's child - Yessssss! Seriously, I respect what you have to say and your cooly rational asessment made me feel a lot better.

Just to clarify, I have NO intention of having sex or anything else with my ex in Missouri. That I'll happen to be where he lives is a great chance for us to have dinner or something - I won't be inviting him back to a hotel full of loony GSers. You all (or the ones who said it anway) are right about him being an ass for refusing to speak to me after I got engaged. I haven't totally forgiven him for that, but it's nice to be on good terms again with someone I care very much for.

And yes, I'm lucky to have someone who says, "Have fun with those weirdos, honey," and lets me go to Missouri with them.

I guess we'll work on India, Egypt and Greece after June.

-K

P.S. Thanks for not making any asshole remarks. That was like a wretched 4am post and maybe one of the most "open" I've ever made.

[Edited on 2-12-2004 by SpunGirl]

[HarmNone]

I can assure you, Spun, Greece and Egypt will still be there waiting for you. So will the rest of the world. I truly hope you have the opportunity to see it all. :)

HarmNone raises a Bailey's to SpunGirl

[Hulkein]

I don't really have much advice for ya Spun since I'm still a teenager and not married, so I won't try and play psychologist.. All I can say is to always remember the grass always looks greener on the other side.



Originally posted by HarmNone

I do wonder what it is "men" feel they must protect. If a woman loves you, what are you protecting yourself from? Why is that male friend such a threat?

It's instinctual, that's why women can't understand it.. It's sort of like how men can't find a shoe in a closet sitting right in front of them, but we (most of us) can spot a deer 600 yards away move its head. It all goes back to the hunter-gatherer days. =)

[Shari]

I don't know why the men on this board have to separate every fucking post into men vs. women. Its bullshit.

When I read your post, Spun, I was relieved to hear someone sounding just like myself. I have a great life with my boyfriend of six years (whom I'm sure I will marry) great home, great everything. Yet I can't help but think of how if I made certain choices in the past how my life would be different. I wouldn't WANT to change what I had going for me know, but I still ponder it.

I would love to pack up my necessities, sell everything else, and move to Rome. I'd be able to continue my education, and be extatic to pursue my photography career there. I've told this to my boyfriend and sometimes I think he thinks I'm nuts. I think my artistic nature allows me to think of what could be, or what could have been. He just doesn't think that way, and that's fine. Is it because I'm a woman and I'm insane? No, its just two different personalities.

Reading your post and others' posts, makes me realize that I'm not the only one that would like to just empty out my bank account and dissapear into another country, basically start over.

I DO like my life and current situation, I just sometimes wish I could step through the mirror like Alice and enjoy the flip side of the coin.

[Sirinna]

Sometimes life really sux.. once in a while I really feel like pulling the plug on Real life and hook myself into reel life... (AKA GS), less complication there.. just kill kill hunt hunt trade trade... heh

[CrystalTears]

Sorry that it was turned into a men vs woman thing, but in essense, that's what had to be spoken about when it came to her desires to see her ex and to want to explore something new.

Generally women tend to think more with their heart, and men with their.. um.. head. I'm sure there are men who do it, but usually it's mostly women that think of the "what ifs" whether it's built in with regret or not. Men live in the here and now, and perhaps the future. Women want to keep trudging up the past.

Heh, sorry, but I just recently saw "Forget Paris" and Debra Winger's character in that movie made me want to choke the living shit out of her.

[SpunGirl]

Did anyone see "sliding doors?" That's kind of what Jesae was talking about.

-K

[TheEschaton]

I can assure you, Spun, Greece and Egypt will still be there waiting for you. So will the rest of the world. I truly hope you have the opportunity to see it all.

Not if G.W. gets re-elected. That's when the Eschaton will finally come...;-)

On topic: I think your feelings are completely justified. I feel that sometimes, that's the touch of the Divine in each of us: the need to make beauty, and beautiful things. For you, that is going to India and studying Hinduism (being Indian, I can especially appreciate that). We all have our ideas of what it is to make beauty.

A little reverse sociology can be seen here: woman, who, for millenia, have been stuck in the home, in a static situation, often see "making beauty" as being immersed in the world. Travelling to different places, experiencing different things.

Men are territorial for the opposite reason. Millenia of being wanderers have made them see the beauty of a woman, of a home, of a place where he can go and know it will not go away, and that he has his say over it. Beauty for men tends to lie in order.

-TheEschaton-

[Galleazzo]

Huh?

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by Galleazzo
Huh? Eschaton's smart, but he's from The Far North, so the lines of communication are a little garbled. I think he's talking about genetic memory.

[TheEschaton]

Buffalo/Boston is not the far north.

If anything, blame my Indian heritage, and its mystical Eastern philosophies.

But yes, genetic memory is what I was talking about, but there is also a biological basis to it, mainly centered around the basic idea of life: to propogate your own genes. Women, because they ovulate only once a month, ovulate one sex cell at a time (at the max, 7), and can't ovulate while pregnant, and are invested in the child after it is born, are thus biologically and behaviorally pushed towards stability (since pregnancy requires some stability due to physical restraints) and monogamy (because they want the male to help). The male of the species, though, because he can double the population of the species, in literally one shot, and has no post-coitus investment (IE, doesn't have to carry the child, be restricted by having the child in his body, doesn't have to care for it), his best "investment strategy" is to impregnate as many females as possible. Behavioral science, it's all there.

-TheE-

[Galleazzo]

If he's around Massachusetts - upstate NY, he's no farther north than I am.

[SpunGirl]

Actually, Esch, I read a whole justification for women being biologically programmed to be promiscuous versus men. I don't necessarily believe either, but I think the entire theory on both sides is fascinating.

On the other hand, I don't want to have kids, so I'm hoping my biological programming (however it works) doesn't do me in. Thank god for modern medicine.

-K

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by TheEschaton
Buffalo/Boston is not the far north.When you live in Connecticutt, Buffalo is another word for the Yukon. :D But we didn't travel that much, so we have kind of a distorted view of geography.