Off topic jokes/stories

[Captain Amby]

Yes.. I think its time I share some more of my stories.. in a place more appropriate.. wish I thought of this before I posted my other story. ahh well. Please, share your stories/jokes/ humor here as well! :lol:

[Captain Amby]

Okay... this is a rather long story.. but very funny.

Fun in the AM

On a morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a match game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If the answer was yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then the couple are winners.

This day.. it got pretty interesting:

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match?"

Contestant: (Laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What's your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what, Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your married? or what? Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) yes, I'm married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. Okay, now what is your wife's name? First only again, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She's going to kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (Laughing) yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is going to kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here!

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy!

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well yeah...

DJ #2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! you really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: yeah it would really be nice.

DJ: Okay.. Final Question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (Laughing hard) Umm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian, where was it?

Brian: not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ohhhhh! Sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great?" That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyways (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (ads)

DJ: (To audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)

Clerk: Kinko's.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: this is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I've been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) a couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyways. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: good.

Brian: (Laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer the questions honestly, okay?

Sara: Oh Brian..

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara.. I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World, and tickets to see the Orlando Magics play. Get it Sara SARA! GET IT Orlando magic, they are on strike right now "hellooooo" anyone home?

Sara: (laughing hard) YES. Yes.

DJ: Alright, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: what time?

Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect DING DING DING)

DJ: Very good! Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12.. 15 minutes maybe

DJ: hmm..

Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, We will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OHMYGOD Brian! YOU didnt tell them did you?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What's bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!

Sara: Brian?!?!

Brian: no, no I didnt...

DJ: Ease up there sister. Jest messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: in the ass.

(Long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyways, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

[Captain Amby]

Okay.. I might as well go for gold.. I collect odd things.. mainly, stories and such that make me laugh. I pull out this folder whenever I'm in a bad mood (not saying how many times that's been lately lol) Anyways.. I hope you pull out some of my stories and jokes when yer in a bad mood. Now.. Going on!

"He said.. She said!"

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND:

During the last year, I have tried making love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were too clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times you were too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times you said it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you said you had to get up too early
9 times you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburnt
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack on the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished
1 time I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you were drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you didn't come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your pinky finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while looking at a dirty magazine
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

the reason why I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets

I wasnt talking about a crack in the ceiling, What I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

<<Ahhh.. love the differences in viewpoints between men and women!>>

[Betheny]

LOL!

Just....

LMAO!!

[imported_Kranar]

It would have been a funnier joke if you could have matched the reasons why the boyfriend thought he didn't succeed with the reasons that the girlfriend gives for his failure.

[Captain Amby]

bah.. dont be so critical. I didnt come here to make your day, but rather just to share some of my funny folder stories.

[Captain Amby]

Since men here seem to love pissing me off, even when I try to get everyone in a good mood.. here's something for today. For all you men:

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call for road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I dont think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why ask a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mommy too!

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes onto the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the stereo whenever Bruce Springsteen or Metallica comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day,Or how Metallica lost their first bassist and how their new albums suck. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we go now?

Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the next century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

[Red Devil]

Professional Asshole :cool:



[Edited on 7-19-2003 by Red Devil]

[Captain Amby]

RD, you need to grow up. I think my jokes were too mature for you.. so sorry!

[Captain Amby]

Oh.. and this goes out to RD and Ben. About the same intellect. You are the reasons why women dislike men.

~~The perfect man~~

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children,
and will raise them by your side,
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband for his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry,
Or hurt you in any way,
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

[Ben]

I resent being put on the same level as Red Devil (although his last post was pretty funny)

[Red Devil]

Amby why dont you just get with a lesbian if men are not what your looking for, unless they're gay

[Bobmuhthol]

Yeah, Red Devil's last post was a good one. Ben and Red Devil pwn.

[Red Devil]

How did you get more posts than me...

[Bobmuhthol]

Me? It's because I pwn, baby!

[Captain Amby]

Great... the only guys that answer my thread are the three guys I find most annoying in here. argh. I was pondering putting up a new story but not for these jerkoffs.

[Bobmuhthol]

I came up with so many things to say, but I'd be banned.

[Skirmisher]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
I came up with so many things to say, but I'd be banned.

More the pity that you cannot express yourself better then.

[Red Devil]

Originally posted by Captain Amby
Great... the only guys that answer my thread are the three guys I find most annoying in here. argh. I was pondering putting up a new story but not for these jerkoffs.

:wow:

[Ben]

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Red Devil]

[Captain Amby]

darn it. as the starter of the thread/topic.. I should be able to kick people out like RD :D

[Red Devil]

As a higher level, I should be able to bind/silence you into oblivion.

[Ben]

As a male I should be able to drag you into the kitchen where you can do the dishes like you are supposed to, wench

[Red Devil]

Sieg Heil

[Parkbandit]

Sure Red Devil is an ass.. but you have to give him kudos on the graphics.