Consoling my mom.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Sorry if this comes off as whiny. I guess it's mostly just a rant/looking for commiseration. As a bit of a preface, my step-mom and I are very close, so I call her mom. We talk all the time on the phone and are just in general good friends.

I found out about a month ago that her step-dad (who she was very close to) was in and out of the hospital with a pretty serious infection. She was going to fly out from Seattle to spend Christmas with me here in Mass. but because of all that she said she had to stay home. He's a diabetic and had a lot of surgeries on his legs and feet to try to save them this past year. However, instead of trying physical therapy and doing things the doctor said to improve circulation and get things working again, he refused to because it hurt.

That alone wouldn't bug me except for how abusive he's been towards my grandmother during the whole process. She's this little old lady and he'd scream at her and order her around and even try to smack her with his canes and stuff. Then she'd have enough and tell him to either control himself or find a nurse to take care of him, he'd threaten to divorce her and leave her old and poor, which scared her a lot. Whenever she couldn't get a hold of my mom, she'd call me in tears. She did everything to take care of him-- made him meals and brought it to him, got him what he wanted, and he even refused to use the bathroom so she'd change and wash his bedpans for him.

He had to have amputations below his knees and last week he woke up from a week-long coma to rip out everything that he was hooked up to, and tried to walk. Doctors thought the infection had spread and weren't sure what would happen.

Then today I get a call and apparently he passed away very late last night/early in the morning. The infection had reached his brain and he was out of control and had to be sedated to keep him from flinging himself out of his bed, and then a few hours later he was gone. I'm sort of in shock at how quickly it accelerated, but more so I am in shock at the grief my mom and grandmother are feeling right now.

I was never close to him nor did I really like him. He was extremely sexist and said some pretty vulgar/rude things to me when I was growing up, and I wasn't ever able to really look past his age as being the reason why he was that way and therefore never developed much of a relationship with him.

On one hand, I feel sort of numb about it. Like.. okay, we all knew this would eventually happen. And while it sucks, I don't feel enough attachment to him to feel heartbroken. But then when I talk to my mother or grandmother on the phone (have multiple times today), it's so incredibly upsetting to hear the grief in their voices and I feel utterly unable to help them. I've gone through a few deaths in my life-- a grandpa, my mother, a cousin... so while I feel a ton of empathy for the pain they must be in, I have no clue how to console them. I've never been the type to turn to others for support in the case of a close death, so I don't know what it is that's expected/I can do.

I dunno. It's just a few days till Christmas, and the whole situation makes me feel helpless. I'm flying out very early January to help with arrangements and stuff, but I feel like it's not enough.

[Sean of the Thread]

Damn this is a bad Christmas.


Maybe.. and this is odd thing to say perhaps... just tell them to sack up like you guys tell me. My FAVORITE thing is going to my sister's for Christmas and I was canceling this year considering I can barely sit in the room with Jen.

She told me to quit be a pussy and make sure I was there.. and she was right.

Hey best of luck but damn everyone around here has negative Christmas stories. Can't we all eat ham/turkey/stuffing and cranberries?


OOOh one year we GS should have a festivus. I'm not even sure if that should be capital.


*Can you imagine sitting at a table with methais? Awesome idea.

[DCSL]

I think that being there to listen quietly is probably enough, all that can be expected.

The same sort of thing happened with my grandparents. He had diabetes as well. No amputations but he did have strokes and the big one left him half paralyzed and wheelchair-bound. My grandmother had to take care of him. He wasn't used to being so... dependent and it sat ill with him. He took it out on her constantly, berating her and insulting her all the time for what looked like no reason at all to me. My grandfather was the closest to me of all my blood family so it completely bewildered me to see the man who taught me how to ride a bike and talked my mother into letting me shave half my head as a teenager be such a worthless jerk to his wife.

Now I know that it was half hatred of his own weakness and half because, long ago, she'd had an affair and one of their three children wasn't his. But they're devoted Catholics so divorce was out of the question. He never really forgave her for it and having to depend on someone who'd betrayed him in the past just galled him, I guess, even though it was.. you know.. in the past.

Anyway. Yeah. Just be there to listen to those who do grieve and try not to dwell on the things you didn't like about him in their hearing. Just common sense stuff that of course you already know. That'd certainly be all I'd expect of you given the situation and it's probably all they want as well. Probably only you think you should be doing/feeling something more. =P

[CrystalTears]

I kinda know how you feel. The closest person in my life that has passed away so far is my great grandmother.

I didn't like her very much. I felt she was an unfair mother to my grandmother and grandaunts, aside from just being rather ungrateful after all they had done for her. She was especially mean to my mother for some strange reason. Hell until I was about 11, I had refused to believe she was family. My aunts joke about me asking who the old woman was.

So when she passed, I wasn't upset, and it was difficult to convey to my family why her passing wasn't a tragedy to me but it was brutal for them. I mean, it was their mom. I would be a wreck when my mom passed away so that's what I had to focus on... how I would feel in that situation and could just be (barely) sympathetic.

It's okay to not be sad.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Damn this is a bad Christmas.


Maybe.. and this is odd thing to say perhaps... just tell them to sack up like you guys tell me. My FAVORITE thing is going to my sister's for Christmas and I was canceling this year considering I can barely sit in the room with Jen.

She told me to quit be a pussy and make sure I was there.. and she was right.

Hey best of luck but damn everyone around here has negative Christmas stories. Can't we all eat ham/turkey/stuffing and cranberries?


OOOh one year we GS should have a festivus. I'm not even sure if that should be capital.


*Can you imagine sitting at a table with methais? Awesome idea.

It's not about "sacking up" or not being a pussy.

No offense Sean but most of the shit you deal with is shit you brought on yourself and let spin out of control. That's why people tell you to cowboy up and get through it.

I'd never tell my mom to just suck it up. She's been through hell and back with a lot of things in her life almost entirely out of love. I've had a ton of my own health problems on top of issues related to the death of my bio. mother while I was growing up, and through it all she stuck by me and has been one of the most stable people in my life. She's treated me like her flesh and blood. I owe her more than I could probably ever give. Right now she's in a world of pain and it's the least I can do to figure out how best I can help her get through it.

[Shari]

Alright. I've had it. And yeah maybe I'm lashing out because I'm depressed too, but I've got to say something.

Sean, for once, STFU. Really. If you're going to bring in your "woe is fucking me" stories into other people's threads every fucking time someone posts how something shitty happened to them, I'm putting you on ignore.

We know your situation. We know it sucks, we've offered advice. You have your own threads. Quit trolling others and posting more of your shit when people are looking for consoling on their own issues. I mean fuck, you've got about what...50 threads of your own to pick from? People tell you to "sack it up" because we're tired of hearing it. Nikki doesn't go on making thread after thread after thread about bad shit happening to her, and neither do I. So find someplace else to put up your sap stories.

Nikki, I am very sorry to hear about what's happened to you too. I can only hope that with the coming of Christmas and time spent with family we don't see as often will bring you some joy in replacement of what you're feeling now.

[CrystalTears]

This year has truly sucked on so many levels. :(

[Sean of the Thread]

Doh sorry you feel that way darling I was just trying to make you guys feel better.

Really.


<--zipped

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

I think that being there to listen quietly is probably enough, all that can be expected.

The same sort of thing happened with my grandparents. He had diabetes as well. No amputations but he did have strokes and the big one left him half paralyzed and wheelchair-bound. My grandmother had to take care of him. He wasn't used to being so... dependent and it sat ill with him. He took it out on her constantly, berating her and insulting her all the time for what looked like no reason at all to me. My grandfather was the closest to me of all my blood family so it completely bewildered me to see the man who taught me how to ride a bike and talked my mother into letting me shave half my head as a teenager be such a worthless jerk to his wife.

Now I know that it was half hatred of his own weakness and half because, long ago, she'd had an affair and one of their three children wasn't his. But they're devoted Catholics so divorce was out of the question. He never really forgave her for it and having to depend on someone who'd betrayed him in the past just galled him, I guess, even though it was.. you know.. in the past.

Anyway. Yeah. Just be there to listen to those who do grieve and try not to dwell on the things you didn't like about him in their hearing. Just common sense stuff that of course you already know. That'd certainly be all I'd expect of you given the situation and it's probably all they want as well. Probably only you think you should be doing/feeling something more. =P

Yeah, I recall hearing that he was really sick for like half a year of his childhood and was totally bedridden and all that. I wonder if maybe some of the violence/anger didn't stem from bad memories of that and being "weak".

I definitely won't be talking about the bad times though, I figure that's all in the past and it's really neither here or there. And yeah, I'm sure I'm just over thinking it/worrying too much.


I kinda know how you feel. The closest person in my life that has passed away so far is my great grandmother.

I didn't like her very much. I felt she was an unfair mother to my grandmother and grandaunts, aside from just being rather ungrateful after all they had done for her. She was especially mean to my mother for some strange reason. Hell until I was about 11, I had refused to believe she was family. My aunts joke about me asking who the old woman was.

So when she passed, I wasn't upset, and it was difficult to convey to my family why her passing wasn't a tragedy to me but it was brutal for them. I mean, it was their mom. I would be a wreck when my mom passed away so that's what I had to focus on... how I would feel in that situation and could just be (barely) sympathetic.

It's okay to not be sad.

Yeah. Just really disconcerting when everyone but you is. Dunno if the thoughts ran through your head with your great grandmother, but I know a few times today I've wondered if I'm normal or if it's really fucked up that I don't feel more sad/upset about him dying.

I really appreciate both you and Dex sharing your own experiences.

[CrystalTears]

Yeah. Just really disconcerting when everyone but you is. Dunno if the thoughts ran through your head with your great grandmother, but I know a few times today I've wondered if I'm normal or if it's really fucked up that I don't feel more sad/upset about him dying.
Oh I definitely had those thoughts running through my head. For years. But I had to realize that not everyone grieves the same, just as not everyone's relationships are the same.

It's okay to not feel remorse for the loss of someone, as long as you're able to be supportive for those who did. And as long as you lend an ear and shoulder to your mom, that will be consolation enough. Don't beat yourself into feeling something you can't.

Better to be human with yourself than to lie to everyone around you to hide it.

[LMingrone]

I'm dealing with a similar situation with my mother. She's more of a friend to me than anything. She knows all the bad things I've done, and I know everything about her. Tough bitch broke her back twice, is taking care of my blind sister, is going through a divorce with my douchebag father, on top of other things in her past I don't care to mention.

I just make sure I call her every day and help her with any money I can. She's my fucking hero. Toughest person I've ever met. Just give as much love as you can and you've done your job.

[Jorddyn]

I say embrace the fact that you're not grieving, and instead focus the strength you currently have on your mother.

Let them tell stories, let them share their feelings, let them grieve. You be the sounding board.

And don't worry - how you're feeling is completely normal. Just don't be surprised if you take on a little of your mom's pain.

[CrystalTears]

Jorddyn is right. The fact that you're the one who isn't a whimpering mess is probably the best thing so that there's some strength to help keep things together.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

I didn't even think about that, but that's definitely true.

Not to bitch further but I really hope my boyfriend's mom fucks off for the rest of the season, heh. Her and I don't get along and like all previous Christmases she made a big deal about this one and possibly having to be around me and act like an adult and be civil. She's been calling me a lot and verbally berating me and so far I've either told her to seek help or just hung up on her. I really think if I get many more though I'm gonna start screaming obscenities, in light of everything else that's going on.

I will never understand people who decide Christmas is a fabulous time to unleash their hatred and ill-will on people.

[kallindra]

Narc, I can sympathize on a fully different level.

With out going into the details of the story... I can say what you're doing is the best thing you can... If there's nothing for you to feel upset about, there's nothing that's going to MAKE you upset about it... feelings aren't generally wrong, they just are.

The people who are upset, have their reasons, and just listening to them, is the best thing you can do, express that you care about them, the living people. The dead are gone, and there's nothing you can do about that (sorry if that sounds cold, but its true), so just deal with the ones who are alive.

Let them know you care, and listen. While those two things may not seem like much sometimes, they often mean the world to a person in pain.

I wish you luck for the rest of the season, and maybe a 2x4 to hit your boyfriend's mother and knock some good sense into her.

[diethx]

Sorry Narc. I don't really have anything to share, but i'm sorry for you. :(

I understand the helpless feeling, and while it's tough, you're doing everything right. You can't really console them or help them get through it faster. Just be there and give them your support, and it's the best thing you could do. It will help them more than you could ever know.

[Xeromist]

Sometimes when I'm at a loss on what to do for people in a rough spot, I ask what I can do to help. At the very least, your family will appreciate hearing it.

[DCSL]

Okay, see, your boyfriend's mother has to go down. I've never even met her but the YEARS of abuse you've suffered from her have made me loathe her on a personal level. This probably sounds callous and cruel and evil but I don't care. Why couldn't she have been the one to die?

[Sean]

I felt completely apathetic when my grandma died. I was more concerned with the fact that I was indifferent to her passing than I was that she had actually died. Luckily unlike you I wasn't put into a position where I had to create a false sense of empathy to make the people around me feel better. I can only imagine how frustrating that can be in your situation and wish you the best of luck with it.

[Methais]

OOOh one year we GS should have a festivus. I'm not even sure if that should be capital.


*Can you imagine sitting at a table with methais? Awesome idea.

It's quite a legendary experience unless I'm hungover. Then I just suck. And though most of you probably won't believe me, I leave goatse on the internet.

Sucks about your situation Narc. I don't really have anything to add, as I suck at dealing with death. My remedy is roll one up and play a game and take my mind off it. My grandmother died in August and it was pretty much the worst week ever.

As for the problem with your BF's mom, give her my phone number I'll get rid of her.

[Nieninque]

I felt completely apathetic when my grandma died. I was more concerned with the fact that I was indifferent to her passing than I was that she had actually died. Luckily unlike you I wasn't put into a position where I had to create a false sense of empathy to make the people around me feel better. I can only imagine how frustrating that can be in your situation and wish you the best of luck with it.

I dont think she has to create a false sense of empathy. She doesnt have to have liked him to recognise that her mum/gran will be upset now and that's where the empathy will lie. She doesnt want to see them upset, even though she wont be that upset that the tosspot died. I don't see the two things conflicting with each other.

Hope things feel better for your folks Nikki. Just be yourself. I always find that's good advice to give people. Unless they're cunts, of course. I always advise them to try and be someone else.

[NocturnalRob]

I'll goatse her to death.

fixed. and we know.

[Methais]

How do you goatse someone on the phone?

[Clove]

I have to say, I didn't care a whip for my boss's mom when she died, but I felt bad for him.