Critique Please (Second Draft)

[Moist Happenings]

Thank you all for your help and constructive criticisms of the first draft of a blurb I'd written. I've reviewed it with my agent, taken it back to the board, and created a rewrite incorporating some of your suggestions, and some of my own ideas. I'd appreciate any constructive criticism on the second draft.

For anyone interested, here's the first draft:
http://forum.gsplayers.com/showthread.php?t=36568

A note: While I do scan for grammatical errors, I don't always get them all before final drafts. I don't mind having them pointed out, but it won't be of very much help to me. What I don't get, my editor will.



Second Draft:


“The fires of Kel’Tirim burned for three days, and three nights. On the fourth, the only sounds that remained were the crackles of the dying embers, and the chatter of the crows that had come to feast.” - Helrand, Chronicles of the Age of Chaos.



Its outward beauty bore scars and gouges from heavy trebuchet fire. The intricate scrollwork that lined the inner vestibule lay broken on the floor where just a few days ago it had stood. A warm spring breeze wound its way through the deserted corridors, causing the few tapestries that had escaped the burning to stir. Undoubtedly, a wall somewhere had been breached. The building was a desolate ruin now, but the Temple of Kel’Tirim still stood. The gods themselves could not shake its foundations. It would stand eternally as a testament to what was, and what could have been.

It was on the battered steps of this temple where sat the last warrior of Kel’Tirim, his face blackened by soot; his stare blank, and sullen. The bandage at his side had soaked through again, but the bleeding seemed to be letting up. This particular man wasn’t sure whether or not he preferred that. There was little honor in that death, but on the other hand, there was nothing left now to be honorable about.

Every one of our lives before Keltias. Let every drop of our blood be spilt before his.

With a grimace he struggled to his feet, faltering at first. The world spun for a long moment before stopping again to rest on the charred ruin ahead. There must be more of his blood on the ground than he thought. The last days seemed like a distant memory. It was the heat that had brought the man from his unconscious state on the foyer floor, but it failed to bring him the whole way.

His mind wouldn’t let itself know everything it had seen. There would be no knowing how many days he’d wandered the empty halls without direction, or desire for one. As one moment faded into the next, conscious thought slowly trickled its way back into his mind like a stream carving through a mountain. The haze was lifting, and the dire sting of harsh reality setting in.

With a slight limp in his step, the man trudged eastward. The stench of death permeated every inch of him, but of yet he took no notice. Nothing else was left to stand. Buildings had been charred, and razed. They were little more than rubble. Corpses littered the streets, both soldier and civilian. Too many dead. Too many lost. He wondered to himself how many made it out; wondered if any made it out.

The city passed in a series of blurs strung together laboriously by his still fevered brain. Before long, he found himself standing at the gap in the outer wall. Why hadn’t he gone to the gate? No matter. Any exit would do. A momentary pause befell him as he thought to gather supplies for the coming journey, but with the state of things there likely would be none to be had.

His right hand instinctively reached to rest on the pommel of his sword in its scabbard, but found only air. The sword was gone. Left behind. No reason to go back for it. It was forged to defend Kel’Tirim. There wasn’t a Kel’Tirim left to defend. So many had said that he was too young for his post, thinking him too headstrong, and inexperienced. Perhaps they were right. Part of him wanted the sword, needed it even, but it was fitting that it be laid here to rest in this shattered eden.


The grassland of Evendil Valley would open up to the north, and end abruptly as the Andril Mountains reached their way into the heavens. The route through the heart of the mountain was treacherous, but still greatly preferable to going over the top. Beyond the mountain would sprawl the ever-changing borders of the states in the Minsop Republic. He would head there, towards the small Kingdom of Mandor which lay on the Republic’s westernmost edge. There was someone there that he should have visited a long time ago.

[ElanthianSiren]

Semi colons that disguise sentence fragments make the baby jesus cry.

There's still so much flowery description, but I understand you want to write fantasy and that dead stuff doesn't talk. Starting off with the quote in place of random description is a good switch IMO. It gives you a place and time and prepares the reader.

Watch your punctuation, particularly comma splice. Watch your use of extra words. Crows that had come = crows that came. Don't make your reader do more work than they have to.

[Moist Happenings]

Semi colons that disguise sentence fragments make the baby jesus cry.

There's still so much flowery description, but I understand you want to write fantasy and that dead stuff doesn't talk. Starting off with the quote in place of random description is a good switch IMO. It gives you a place and time and prepares the reader.

Watch your punctuation, particularly comma splice. Watch your use of extra words. Crows that had come = crows that came. Don't make your reader do more work than they have to.

Haha, yeah I know I have a tendency to go a little far on that sort of thing, especially in early drafts, but I usually cut it down to an acceptable amount by the final draft. That's one of those things I look for in editing, but not in my original writes.

You're absolutely right though.

[Moist Happenings]

I've made a change already to the final sentence of the blurb, but can't edit my first post to fix it here. Anyway, in case anyone was interested in how it reads in book form, I created these screens:

http://www.freewebs.com/thepraetorianguard/Page1.jpg
http://www.freewebs.com/thepraetorianguard/Page2.jpg
http://www.freewebs.com/thepraetorianguard/Page3.jpg

[Moist Happenings]

Semi colons that disguise sentence fragments make the baby jesus cry.

Oh and one more thing! Authors don't have to play by the rules that say a sentence has to be structured this way or that. Duh. :P One word sentences? No problem! Sentence fragments? Even better!

I try my best to stick to proper English but that one's staying. The English language I think is fucked up enough, and rules like that get broken so, so often in books, even classic texts that I probably do it less than most in the end. I can live with that, even if it isn't perfect.

[AestheticDeath]

A note: While I do scan for grammatical errors, I don't always get them all before final drafts. I don't mind having them pointed out, but it won't be of very much help to me. What I don't get, my editor will.

Your kidding me right? I caught at least two errors in the last book I picked up. Was a soft cover reprint, the first one came out like over a year ago. If they can't catch it in the first book, or the reprint... wtf.

I catch some sort of error, normally a lot of them, in almost every book I read. It's frustrating.

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Semi colons that disguise sentence fragments make the baby jesus cry.

There's still so much flowery description, but I understand you want to write fantasy and that dead stuff doesn't talk. Starting off with the quote in place of random description is a good switch IMO. It gives you a place and time and prepares the reader.

Watch your punctuation, particularly comma splice. Watch your use of extra words. Crows that had come = crows that came. Don't make your reader do more work than they have to.

I agree with this.

The language is still too flowery and wandering for me. Doesn't just reach out and grip me.

I'm also still finding your sentences themselves to be very boring and they read the same.. same lengths, same sort of rhythm, same structure.

I'd try to be more concise in your language and make your structure more interesting.

[AestheticDeath]

The haze was lifting, and the dire sting of harsh reality setting in.
Not sure if anything is actually wrong with it. But for some reason I don't like it.


The stench of death permeated every inch of him, but of yet he took no notice.
Again same thing. Perhaps even just adding 'as' before of. Or leave out 'of yet'


there likely would be none to be had. Again, be be

Also, you seem to go through a few different types of narrative writing within a paragraph. Kinda weirds me out.

[Moist Happenings]

Again same thing. Perhaps even just adding 'as' before of. Or leave out 'of yet'

Y'know, I started out with that sentence exactly as you suggest it. I didn't like it that way, so I added in the of yet and dropped the as. Might go back to it. I'll see how it sits with me in the morning.



Also, you seem to go through a few different types of narrative writing within a paragraph. Kinda weirds me out.

Weirds me out too. That's my lack of this particular point of view writing skill showing through. The rest of the book doesn't read in this style. I just have to be secretive about the identity of the person in question, and I'm still having trouble. I'll do what I can to touch that up.

[Moist Happenings]

I agree with this.

The language is still too flowery and wandering for me. Doesn't just reach out and grip me.

I'm also still finding your sentences themselves to be very boring and they read the same.. same lengths, same sort of rhythm, same structure.

I'd try to be more concise in your language and make your structure more interesting.

Hmm. Good input. I'm really still having trouble with this point of view. It's the fact that I've got to be so sneaky about how I approach it so as not to give too much away that throws me off.

The sentence structure thing is something I realized. That's why I started throwing in odd sentences in an attempt to break it up a little.

"As one moment faded into the next, conscious thought slowly trickled its way back into his mind like a stream carving through a mountain."

"The stench of death permeated every inch of him, but of yet he took no notice"

There isn't anything special about them. They just aren't how I would word them if there was no need to break the monotony. I'll do my best to break it up some more, vary sentence structure and length to make it less bland.


Thanks very much for your input, everyone. It's really a great help and as is plain I'm struggling to find my rhythm in this stupid point of view.

[Moist Happenings]

Your kidding me right? I caught at least two errors in the last book I picked up. Was a soft cover reprint, the first one came out like over a year ago. If they can't catch it in the first book, or the reprint... wtf.

I catch some sort of error, normally a lot of them, in almost every book I read. It's frustrating.

You make a good point. I catch similar errors. Grammatically though I'm pretty on the ball by the final draft. Once I get everything worded just how I want it, I really go through it with a fine toothed comb.

[thefarmer]

I agree with this.

The language is still too flowery and wandering for me. Doesn't just reach out and grip me.

I'm also still finding your sentences themselves to be very boring and they read the same.. same lengths, same sort of rhythm, same structure.

I'd try to be more concise in your language and make your structure more interesting.

^^^

What she said.

My suggestion from your previous attempt still works for this version. Cutting 99% of that shit out would make it more interesting and catch more attention.


Also, Kel'Tirim reminds me of the giant T'Kirem Bear Clan. Probably the T and K sounds with the '.

Edit: It looks like a every boring detail needs two sentences Hemingway/Robert Jordan with a dash of paid-by-the-word Dickens.

[Moist Happenings]

^^^

What she said.

My suggestion from your previous attempt still works for this version. Cutting 99% of that shit out would make it more interesting and catch more attention.



Also, Kel'Tirim reminds me of the giant T'Kirem Bear Clan. Probably the T and K sounds with the '.

Believe me, I would love to cut out a lot of flowery description, but without it there's absolutely no way to set up a scene or give any manner of feel for the character's surroundings. Best I can do is attempt to make it less flowery, but the less flowery it gets, the more bland it gets. Bland is the other problem I've got in this piece so far. I've got to find some manner of middle ground for the entire thing it seems.

[Moist Happenings]

Edit: It looks like a every boring detail needs two sentences Hemingway/Robert Jordan with a dash of paid-by-the-word Dickens.

It's funny you say that actually, because when I was initially picked up by the publisher, the fact that it read a lot like Robert Jordan was what struck them since you know, he's dead and Wheel of Time is coming to a close. He was one of my primary inspirations for the rewrite of my first novel before it was finished. Hemingway was a big inspiration as well. I think I might have touched on that a little in the other thread. I forget. Too lazy to check.

The reason I think every boring detail needs two lines in this instance is that the scene leaves little margin for anything but. If I go with just the dialogue and actions, the entire prologue would be incredibly short. On the other hand, if I delve deeper into the character and reveal more about inner monologue and such, I overstep the bounds of the prologue and give away the end of the book.

At the same time, I've got to work in precise details dictated by the end of the first book to have them reveal things that need to be revealed for the plot to advance when the story starts.

So basically what I've got is a situation with a single character with no one to interact with in a dead city whose inner monologue I can't do anything with because if I do it's blatantly obvious who he is. Couple that with the fact that I absolutely can't stand writing in this particular point of view and it's a huge pain in the ass wreck of a piece, as you see.

I'll get it eventually, I'm sure. If I knew how much of a pain in the ass writing this segment would be I might have changed the ending of the first book to allow for something else to be honest, but it's too late for that now. Gotta work with what I've got. This is probably the most difficult piece of writing I've ever had to do, and outwardly it seems so simple.

Edited to add this bit:

As far as the issue with this segment not being gripping enough, I do what I can, but in some manners of storytelling it just isn't as possible as it would be in others.

If you read a Michael Creighton book, you can easily be gripped in the first 5 pages of it. There usually isn't a whole lot of depth to the world they take place in, or the depth of the world it takes place in is implied because it's the same world you and I live in.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you read any given Wheel of Time book, the first maybe 50 pages are all a long and intricate setup of the characters by description of the world that surrounds them, so the reader can get a firmer grasp of how and why they think and feel what they do. When I read the first Wheel of Time book I got to about page 30 and told my roommate "as soon as I see three pages of Tolkien-esque poetry, I'm putting this fucking book down and never picking it back up.". He urged me to press on. I did, and was rewarded for it. Jordan takes roughly the first 500 pages of the book to set up for the last 50, but after the first 50, it's gripped you enough that you just can't put the book down because you need to know what happens next. The style of writing mine is modeled after is largely like his, but different enough that I would consider it unique. I know that's a very difficult thing to believe from reading this piece, but if you read the parts I actually enjoy writing I'm confident you'd understand.

So in conclusion to this long-winded addition, in my opinion, it's difficult to really grip the reader without first immersing them in a world they're unfamiliar with, and to really familiarize them with it takes about 50 pages.

[thefarmer]

I disagree.

I don't need to have the entire backstory of a world told to me in the first few pages. Character or narative drama can capture interest, and make me want to read, more than knowing why the sun does this, or the clouds do that, or why the water is blue for 50 pages.

[Moist Happenings]

I disagree.

I don't need to have the entire backstory of a world told to me in the first few pages. Character or narative drama can capture interest, and make me want to read, more than knowing why the sun does this, or the clouds do that, or why the water is blue for 50 pages.

Well, it's not to say that all fifty pages are about the sky being blue, but I get your point. To give you an idea, lemme post here a segment that I cut out of the first book (In the actual book, not the prologue) to give you an idea of how it progresses. This section initially started around page 20. As the pages go the description gets less and less prevalent, and by page 50 or so, it ends up implied.

Please keep in mind that this is an insanely old first draft that never went through any sort of editing. It's got a LOT of the same repetition, grammatical and word usage issues many of my first drafts do. My process seems to be just to put the story on paper, and worry later about whether or not it sounds good.

Also keep in mind that this part was one of the first bits I cut out because of the absolutely nauseating Harry Potter-esque feel to the whole thing. I must have been drunk when I wrote it. With that said, here it is:

Pog scurried down the hall quickly towards the cafeteria. The halls were somewhat congested at this time of day, but he had become rather adept at shuffling out of the way, between feet, and around dangerous obstacles rather quickly since he had been accepted into the Academy five years prior. It wasn't easy being two feet tall in a land of giants, but it had its perks.
He jumped straight for the wall, pivoting and rebounding off of it, soaring through the air momentarily before making a graceful landing in a clearing just between the legs of one of the gargantuan students that were currently engaged in walking down the hall towards the cafeteria. They wanted to get there first! Get all the good food. Not on Pog's watch! He skidded through the cafeteria doors to a one footed stop, teetering momentarily before he regained his balance and took off like an owl after a field mouse towards the front of the line for food. Pog was satisfied to have made it to the second position in line as he finally came to rest before the massive counter, but his quest wasn't yet fulfilled. The food lady probably didn't know he was there. He craned his neck upwards. Why these giants built everything too big, he didn't know. He couldn't see any of the food. That was probably why Tobert were such accomplished jumpers. The giants put all the food on mountains.
Pog launched himself straight into the air. He soared, his outstretched arms flailing wildly as he made his ascent to the countertop. His head peaked over the pinnacle, but he was losing his momentum. Unless he did something fast he'd have to jump a second time for sure! He reached out for dear life, grabbing desperately at the countertop...and got it! Pog held on tightly, kicking his legs at the air as he struggled to hold himself up, and finally found a comfortable position. Victory! He could see the food! Carrots! Meat loaf! Corn, and Green beans! Potatoes! Apples! Oranges! He heard something.

"Pog? Pog? Pog!!"

Pog shook his head as he snapped out of his food-induced trance. It was the food lady: Bernice. She was big. Giant even. Middle aged for a human, he thought, with big brown hair and huge glasses. Pog beamed a large smile at her, and at the food.

She gave a slight giggle when she saw his smile. "Pog, you should really pay more attention."

"I was, Miss Bernice" Pog argued.

"To me; not to the food."

"Oh." He sighed dejectedly.

"So what'll it be, today?"

His eyes lit up. "Food!" He beamed the smile at her again.

Pog released his death grip upon the mountainous counter and fell nimbly to the ground. A perfect landing! He sped to the huge door in the mountain and fidgeted restlessly as he waited for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, the giant woman with big hair opened the big door and crouched down with the fruits of his labors. There was food on the tray! Victory! Carrots, and peas, and mashed potatoes, and the most giant green apple he'd ever seen, and....

"Pog? Pog! There are other students waiting."

He shook his head. "Sorry, Miss Bernice!".

He stretched his arms up, facing his flat palms upwards. Bernice carefully placed the tray on his hands. Pog beamed the smile at her once more. "Thanks for the food, Miss Bernice!".

Pog turned around, and darted off in the direction of his usual table. He bounded up onto the chair, rebounding and landing atop the table, all of his food making small jumps atop the tray with each hop. He placed the tray carefully down onto the table and inspected it, making sure he hadn't lost anything during the journey. Satisfied, he took a seat next to the tray on the table.
He was about to dig into his lunch when Dirk strode up to the table and took a seat. Dirk was Pog's best friend. He was a Human male giant: aged 19 years. He had been at the Academy for four of those. Dirk was training to be a fire wizard, but Pog didn't hold that against him. Dirk had big fuzzy hair, and as of late had been trying to grow a big fuzzy beard, but so far had only managed to grow some patchy stubble.
Dirk was dressed in his standard uniform: Some dark grey slacks, and his standard black low collared shirt with the insignia of his school of elements embroidered on the cuffs. Pog hated the uniforms. They were itchy, and the giants that made his own obviously had no idea how to tailor for Toberts, and as such he could never get quite comfortable wearing it. He shifted around a bit, now conscious of how uncomfortable he was. He decided to focus his attention back on the food.

"They really ought to build you a ramp, or something.” said Dirk, eyeing the mixed contents of Pog's tray.

Pog popped a boiled carrot into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed happily before responding, "I don't mind. It's good exercise. It keeps me buff. All the girls can see my muscles. It's a well known fact that I am the strongest Tobert at this Academy." He puffed his chest out proudly.

Dirk poked at his food with a fork. "You're the only Tobert at this Academy."

Pog waved a hand dismissively, and then his eyes widened. "Dirk!"

Dirk looked up from his tray. "Hmm?"

"Look at this apple! It's HUGE! Why it's the biggest one I've ever seen, and believe me I've seen some apples in my day! It's amazing! I think it's even bigger than the one I had yesterday! Giant. Giant apples! The headmaster could make piles and piles of gold! and silver! and...and diamonds, just for selling these giant apples! I think they're putting something in them. To grow them big! I should talk to the gardening staff! There could be a conspiracy!"

Dirk looked at him dubiously. He obviously didn't grasp the physical and political ramifications of this. "Pog."

"What?"

"Every day, you come here. Every day you get an apple. And every day it's 'the biggest you've ever seen! some sort of genetically altered super apple'. You've been here what, almost five years now, right? Did you ever consider the fact that maybe..just maybe...they're just apples? That that's how big they're s'posta be?"

//* Later, in Tobertros, Pog will show the others what ‘normal’ sized apples are, which are much smaller. Maybe some other sort of fruit. Like plums, or something. Think on it. *//

Pog grunted, and took the apple in both hands, taking a large bite. "I dunth thimph its jush a cmmphcidence." he swallowed. "Although, they have served me at this point..." he stopped momentarily to count on his fingers, "over seventeen hundred genetically altered giant super apples. I guess there could be something to it...but I'm still going to talk to those gardeners." His eyes narrowed, and he took another bite.

Dirk gave a chuckle, shaking his head. "Sometimes I think you're hopeless."

Pog was about to respond with a salvo of slanderous lies regarding Dirk's inability to ever grow a beard, but was interrupted by the humming of the resonating intercommunication system. The noisy cafeteria quieted as the humming drew to a stop. The resonance box affixed to the wall above the entryway crackled slightly with magical essence, and then it began to speak. "May I have your attention, please. This is the Headmaster. At midday, all students are required to attend an emergency meeting in the East wing Auditorium. That is all." The resonance box went silent, and conversations started anew, the ambient noise reaching again its previous level.

Dirk raised his eyebrows, taking a bite of his baked potato. "That's odd. I've never heard of them calling a mandatory meeting with so little notice. Must be for something important. What do you suppose it's about?"

Pog devoured a snap pea. His eyes narrowed again, and he pointed a finger skyward "Genetically altered super apples, perhaps!".

Dirk chortled, shaking his head. Pog shrugged. "I don't know. They must have a good reason if they're going to interrupt afternoon classes for it. Doesn't do any good to dwell on it though. Live in the moment, they say!", he popped another carrot into his mouth, "and at the moment, I'm rather enjoying my food."

[Moist Happenings]

I can't edit again, but I wanted to add:

The reason I chose that particular segment to post is because that segment is the first segment that featured the idea of this Academy (a notion that was completely cut out of the book later, which is why I have no problem sharing it). Early in the book, no flowery description, just immerses you straight into the world.

Also, before anyone bashes this segment, please understand that it, the characters involved, and the ideas involved were all cut out because in their entirety they were far too juvenile both in the way they read, and the way they came across in the storyline. The character in this segment was initially created to provide some manner of comic relief so to speak, and in the end it seemed to bring everything down to the level of a Mrs. Piggly Wiggly book anytime the character was around, which of course would easily alienate the target audience. So I already understand that. No need to repeat it. :P

[AestheticDeath]

I liked that snippet best....

[Moist Happenings]

I liked that snippet best....

What, the segment I just posted?

If so, I like it better than the other as well. It's more indicative of my style of writing. If I wrote the prologue like that though there's no way it wouldn't give away key points that would ruin the story. That's why I'm having so much trouble. The prologue in this case needs to read as a confusing "Well what the fuck does that mean?" sort of thing. Hard to convey that with my style of writing. In much the same manner as Kevin Smith, I tend to thrive more on dialogue and monologue. Cut the option for either of those out and I end up floundering around like a goldfish in a plastic bag in the freezer.

[ElanthianSiren]

Not sure if anything is actually wrong with it. But for some reason I don't like it.


Again same thing. Perhaps even just adding 'as' before of. Or leave out 'of yet'

Again, be be

Also, you seem to go through a few different types of narrative writing within a paragraph. Kinda weirds me out.

When an author throws in "was going" "Had done" "was speaking," it messes with us spatially because editors often pull those things out of books. That falls under "Don't make your reader work harder to enjoy your material," especially with description. Had done = did. was going = left. While I'm not saying that your books will never have superfluous words, I am saying that in the publishing industry, they generally try to cut down on them. Sometimes an "ing" conjugation is necessary or the meaning of the sentence is altered. This can happen with was going, which can give an undesired time shift if you change it to went.

In dialogue, the was going, was saying, rules don't apply, but you want to keep dialogue as concise as possible. We don't mince words when we talk, unless you're a politician.

To OP -- When I write, I don't aim to change the language, even if Hemmingway can't use commas and Anne Rice throws in improper semi colons like fine wine. This is a stylistic preference; both jar my eyes as a reader and pulled me out of the story. That's a risk you run with mis-using unusual punctuation, but if it works for you, good for you!

[Moist Happenings]

When an author throws in "was going" "Had done" "was speaking," it messes with us spatially because editors often pull those things out of books. That falls under "Don't make your reader work harder to enjoy your material," especially with description. Had done = did. was going = left. While I'm not saying that your books will never have superfluous words, I am saying that in the publishing industry, they generally try to cut down on them. Sometimes an "ing" conjugation is necessary or the meaning of the sentence is altered. This can happen with was going, which can give an undesired time shift if you change it to went.

In dialogue, the was going, was saying, rules don't apply, but you want to keep dialogue as concise as possible. We don't mince words when we talk, unless you're a politician.

To OP -- When I write, I don't aim to change the language, even if Hemmingway can't use commas and Anne Rice throws in improper semi colons like fine wine. This is a stylistic preference; both jar my eyes as a reader and pulled me out of the story. That's a risk you run with mis-using unusual punctuation, but if it works for you, good for you!

Well you're absolutely right about overuse of such things, and I do overuse some of them in early drafts. As I said someplace earlier my writing process is to just close my eyes and put the pedal to the floor for the first draft. Surprisingly enough, I tend to not overuse contractions in my speech and a lot of had not did not and such comes out as a result. My grandmother was an English teacher, and for some reason she hated contractions. She taught me not to use them unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course that's borderline nonsense, but it stuck. Thank you very much for pointing that out. I'm going to keep a closer eye on it from now on in editing.

The semicolon thing works for my style I think. It gives the text a feel as if it were more a thought instead of a properly structured sentence, and I don't use it very often. Commas however are the number one red flag in my editing process when I go through drafts. A lot of writers overuse them, and I'm no exception. I cut them down to grammatically accepted standards in the end.