best joke evar

[Red Devil]

God decides heaven is too crowded so he makes a new rule: to get into heaven you have to have had a bad day when you died


A few days later a man goes to the pearly gates.

The angel remembers the rule and asks "how was your day today?"

the man responds "terrible. i came home early from work and saw my wife lying naked in bed. i knew she was cheating on me so i searched the house for the man she was with.i looked all over until i went out to the balcony and saw a man hanging off the edge.furious, i stomped on his fingers, but on the way down he hit some trees and landed in the bushes.i looked around for something to smash him with, and the closest thing was the fridge.i dragged the fridge out and pushed it off the side, smashing him.i was so satisyfied i had a heart attack and died on the spot."

the angel grins and says "welcome to heaven"

a few hours later a man walks up to heaven

the angel asks how his day was

"terrible" he said "i was doing some pull ups on my balcony, and i slipped off.luckly i was able to grab on to the ledge below my.suddenly a crazy man comes out and stomps on my fingers.i fell of, but landed in some bushes.i was in so much pain, and i couldnt move.i opened my eyes and looked up to see a fridge fall on me."

the angel laughs to himself and tells him he can go in

3 hours later a man walks up

the angel asks how his day was

the man replies "ok, picture this. im sitting naked in a fridge..."

[Parkbandit]

LOL

I see your joke and raise you one.


A man walks into a piano bar, sits down and starts playing the piano.

The owner of the bar comes over, very impressed with the song he's hearing.

"Hey, that music you're playing is amazing! I've never heard anything like it!"

"Yeah, I call that one 'Boy Oh Boy, Do I Love Jugs' and this next one is called 'I Just Banged A Bag-lady'."

The owner replies, "Aaahhhh... yeah. How about you come by the bar tonight around 8:00 and play for the crowd... but keep the names of your songs to yourself, ok?"

So that night the man comes back to the bar and plays the piano for an hour. The crowd is loving it. He takes a short bathroom break, and as he's walking back to the piano, a hush falls over the crowd.

A man walks up and says "hey buddy, do ya know your schlong is hanging out of your zipper?"

"Know it!" he exclaims. "I wrote it!"

[Bobmuhthol]

I'll see them both and raise them by the ULTIMATE SUPER FUNNY JOKE!

A man walks into a bar and dies instantly. What happened?





He drank poison!

[Betheny]

...

Is that supposed to be funny, Bob?

[Bobmuhthol]

Actually..
it is.

[Betheny]

It'd take a while for poison to kill you, unless it was uh... Super SARS or some kind of nerve agent.

[Bobmuhthol]

He drank poison prior to walking into the bar. He died instantly; no actions were performed afterward. Except dying, if you consider that an action.

[CrystalTears]

OMG I can't believe Bob has to explain his silly joke. :rolleyes:

[Red Devil]

rofl yeah that was pretty sad

[Red Devil]

A pirate walked up to me the other day. He had a steering wheel stuck inside his pants. I said, "Hey, you got a steering wheel stuck in your pants."
He says, "Arg, I know, it's driving me nuts."

[Neildo]

Well I don't know about Bob's explination of his joke, I just figured it was from the old bartender saying "pick your poison" when ordering a drink, as in the drink that'll kill ya.

As for the pirate nut joke, I've always preferred this one:

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!" :P

- N

[Bobmuhthol]

They don't have quite the effect in text, Neildo. Like, "What's hard as steel and full of semen (seamen)?"

[Ben]

Your boyfriend?

[Skirmisher]

Originally posted by Ben
Your boyfriend?

Don't be jealous now Ben.

[Bobmuhthol]

Ben wins.

[CrystalTears]

Originally posted by Red Devil
A pirate walked up to me the other day. He had a steering wheel stuck inside his pants. I said, "Hey, you got a steering wheel stuck in your pants."
He says, "Arg, I know, it's driving me nuts."

:lol: :lol:

[Ben]

If Christopher Reeves could be any other actor, who would he be?



Christopher WALKEN

[Bobmuhthol]

Hahaha. Now that's good.

[Tsa`ah]

Got three of them.

An 87-year-old man visits his doctor for his annual check up. While the Doc is checking him over he comments to his patient "You're in the best shape I've seen in the 20 years you've been my patient."

"I figured as much" the old man replies. "I've been married to a beautiful 25-year-old gal for about 6 months now and we found out last week that she's 2 months pregnant! I didn't think it would be possible at my age."

The Doc thinks for a minute and says "Instead of going into some medical jargon about you and your expecting wife, let me just tell you a story."

"Last month I decided to go rabbit hunting. I got up real early one Saturday morning and drove out to my brother's country home. When I got out of the car I realized I forgot my shotgun. So I just decided to talk a scenic stroll through the countryside."

"About two miles down the hedgerow I see the biggest jackrabbit I have ever seen. So I figure I may as well just pretend. So I raise up my arms like I'm holding my 12 gauge and yell "BANG!" as loud as I could. To my disbelief the rabbit spins about mid leap and lands on the ground dead."

"Now what do you think happened to that rabbit?" the Doc asks his elderly patient.

"Well ... " The old man reflects, "Someone else must have shot that rabbit."

"EXACTLY!" The Doc retorts.

Second one ...

A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are trekking about in the Amazon when a tribe of cannibal natives captures them.

The Cannibals quickly separate them from each other once they reach the village.

The chief enters the tent holding the Brit and says "You will be killed tomorrow and we are going to use your hide to cover our canoes. In the western custom we're granting you a last meal. In place of your last request we will allow you to name the words that will be written on the canoe."

The brit thinks a minute and proudly replies "God save the Queen".

With that, the chief nods and leaves. The next morning, the Brit is killed and skinned and the words "God save the Queen" are tattooed on his hide.

That afternoon the Chief enters the Frenchman's tent and gives him the same spiel.

The Frenchie puffs out his chest and proudly says "Viva la France!"

Of course the next morning, the Frenchie is killed and skinned and "Viva la France" is tattooed into his hide.

That afternoon the Chief enters the tent of the American and gives his spiel. The American thinks about it and says, "I want dinner first you filthy savage. Steak, and I want it rare." So the last dinner is brought to the American and as he's eating the chief returns and asks what words shall adorn his canoe.

The American grabs his fork and starts viciously stabbing himself with it. He looks right at the chief and says "Fuck your canoe!"

Last one ....

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and motions the bartender over. "One bourbon and one beer please."

The bartender nods and grabs a mug for the beer and just as he's putting the mug under the tap, this man's monkey runs jumps off the shoulder, runs down his arm and scampers down to the end of the bar. The monkey stops at a bowl of peanuts, but his attention turn to the pool table with a lone cue ball sitting on it.

The monkey hops onto the pool table, picks up the cue, sniffs it, and swallows it whole!

The bartender turns to the monkey's owner and says "Did you just see that shit? Your fucking monkey just ate my cue!"

"He does stupid shit like that all of the time" replies the owner. "I'll be in next week, same day, same time. I'll bring you a new one."

The bartender takes the man at his word and allows him to leave with the monkey and without incident.

Sure enough, the next week. The same man with his monkey perched on his shoulder walks into the bar. He sits down and pulls a brand new cue out of his pocket. "Here you go, just as promised. One shiny new cue ball."

"Thank you very much. Now what can I get you?" Asks the bartender.

"Same as last week." replies the man.

Just then, the monkey repeats his performance from the week before. Off the shoulder, down the arm, scamper across the bar.

Warily the bartender placed the new cue in his pocket while keeping an eye on the monkey.

Midway down the bar the monkey stops at the bowl of peanuts. He grabs one, sniffs it, shoves it up his rear, pulls it out, eyeballs it a little and then eats it.

"Mister, that is one fucked up monkey you have." Comments the bartender.

"The peanut thing?" Asks the man. "Well since he passed that cue ball, he's been sizing everything up that way."

[Bobmuhthol]

A man walks into the bar and is all like, "I hate everyone. Give me something to drink." And the bartender says, "We don't serve crabs here."

LOL!

[Edaarin]

Okay. This one is not for the faint of heart, I'm warning you now, don't read it if you get grossed out easily.













What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.