Amusing joke

[Ravenstorm]

Any others?

Raven

-------


Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

[HarmNone]

Hee! There is something to be said for being a smart ol' rooster, eh? :D

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[Edaarin]

Women's rights.

[HarmNone]

Women's rights are indeed a joke. After all, who needs rights? Who shall tell us women what our rights are? They are what we say they are, and need not be defined. :D

HarmNone on rights...or rahts, as the southerners would say

*Out! Out, damned apostrophe!*

[Edited on 12-21-2003 by HarmNone]

Alright 4 college dudes have finals coming up and they decide they are too wound up and need to take a weekend off in Mexico.

so they go and have a great time, kinda lose track of time and miss the final.

They go to the teacher and give them a sob story about getting a flat and being stuck and being unable to take the test.

The teacher grudgingly agrees and arranges for the test.

Of course the guys are stoked at getting their weekend and not getting in trouble.

So anyway they show up the next day to take the test and the usual thing happens. The teacher seperates the people and hands out the test.

The first question is:

For 5 points:

Who was the first president of the United States.

All 4 guys go holy shit this test is gonna be cake and go to question number 2:

For 95 points:

Which wheel?

[Zeyrin]

Here's one for the clerics....well, sort of:

The 7 dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they have
requested an audience and they are - THE - Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son." Says the Pope. "What can I do for
you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me. Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks
for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the
dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives
them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and
then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with
an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are the ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and
laughing, pounding the floor tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey srewed a
penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Caiylania]

ROFL those are great. I love the virgin date one :D

[AnticorRifling]

You hear about the Mexican with that had two penises? He named one Jose and the other Hose B.

[Sweets]

This joke should be said outloud for full effect.

A fellow decides one day to throw a party the next night. He tells everyone the theme of the party is moods, so dress up like your favorite mood.

Night of the party comes and the doorbell rings. At his door is someone dressed all in red.

"You're anger! Great costume!", he exclaims."Come on in!"

Another ring of the doorbell with a fella dressed all in blue on the other side.

"Sadness! Great costume! Come on in!"

Doorbell rings again and on the other side are two huge italian fella's, one with a custard on his penis and the other with a pear on his penis.

"What the heck are you two doing! You were suppose to dress as moods!", cries the host.

(heavy italian/bronxy accent)

"We are dressed as moods", says the one with the pear.

"I'm deep-in-dis-pear and he's fucking-dis-custard."

badoomboom

[Edited on 2-5-2004 by Sweets]

[AnticorRifling]

Originally posted by Sweets
This joke should be said outloud for full effect.

A fellow decides one day to throw a party the next night. He tells everyone the theme of the party is moods, so dress up like your favorite mood.

Night of the party comes and the doorbell rings. At his door is someone dressed all in red.

"You're anger! Great costume!", he exclaims."Come on in!"

Another ring of the doorbell with a fella dressed all in blue on the other side.

"Sadness! Great costume! Come on in!"

Doorbell rings again and on the other side are two huge italian fella's, one with a custard on his penis and the other with a pear on his penis.

"What the heck are you two doing! You were suppose to dress as moods!", cries the host.

(heavy italian/bronxy accent)

"We are dressed as moods", says the one with the pear.

"I'm deep-in-dis-pear and he's fucking-dis-custard.

badoomboom

[Edited on 2-5-2004 by Sweets]

That's great, my Italian friend from Jersey will get a kick out of that one. I think his father is in the waste management business, I don't mess with him :cool:

[Sweets]

That's great, my Italian friend from Jersey will get a kick out of that one. I think his father is in the waste management business, I don't mess with him

That made milk come out my nose.....

[Zakre]

So This Guy Walks into A Bar....








Ouch
hahahah

[Nakiro]

Two eggs and a slab of bacon walk up to a bar. The bartender turns to them and says,"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

[Nakiro]

A set of jumper cables walks up to a bar, and the bartender looks at them and says, "You guys better not start anything."

[Zakre]

omg good jokes

[AnticorRifling]

A baby seal walks into a club....

[LilHellcat]

Adam and Eve had just made love, and Eve went to the river to wash up.

While she was bathing god came down and said Adam how do you enjoy being with a woman.

Adam was like God she is the most perfect creation ever thank you for creating her.

God then asks where is Eve? And Adam goes she's in the river bathing. God looks around and goes great now the fish are going to smell like that.

I know cheesy but I can't even remember where I heard it from.

[Nakiro]

Bobmuthol and Nakiro are sittin' on takin' a piss off the side of a pier. Bobmuthol turns to Nakiro and says, "Man, the water by this pier is cold."

Nakiro grins and says, "Yah, and its deep too."

[Nieninque]

Originally posted by Sweets
This joke should be said outloud for full effect.

A fellow decides one day to throw a party the next night. He tells everyone the theme of the party is moods, so dress up like your favorite mood.

Night of the party comes and the doorbell rings. At his door is someone dressed all in red.

"You're anger! Great costume!", he exclaims."Come on in!"

Another ring of the doorbell with a fella dressed all in blue on the other side.

"Sadness! Great costume! Come on in!"

Doorbell rings again and on the other side are two huge italian fella's, one with a custard on his penis and the other with a pear on his penis.

"What the heck are you two doing! You were suppose to dress as moods!", cries the host.

(heavy italian/bronxy accent)

"We are dressed as moods", says the one with the pear.

"I'm deep-in-dis-pear and he's fucking-dis-custard."

badoomboom

[Edited on 2-5-2004 by Sweets]

At the same party (but not quite in keeping with the theme):

A man with a potato on his penis - a Dictator

A man with a condom on his snout - Fuck nose

A man dressed all in green with a woman dressed in brown draped over his shoulders - He is a teenage mutant Ninja Turtle....she is....Michelle (Me shell)

A man wearing just a pair of briefs - A premature ejaculation (he just came in his pants)

thats all I can remember

[Nieninque]

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "sorry we dont serve Pieces of string here"

The piece of string looks all dejected and leaves.

Whilst outside he sits and thinks for a while and has an idea. He jumps up, ties himself in a knot around the middle and messes his hair up.

He heads back into the bar and orders up a drink and the bartender looks at him suspiciously.

"Are you a piece of string?" the Bartender asks, to which he replied "No, Im Afraid Not!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(A Frayed Knot) :lol:

A Egg and a Rooster are laying in bed.
The Egg is smoking a square with a disgusted look on its face, it turns to the Rooster and says,"well that answers that question."

[Ravenstorm]

Here's another one:

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster--one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.

But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[Ravenstorm]

And another:

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

Raven

[HarmNone]

Heh. What the hell! At those rates, those are some high-earning prostitutes. Anybody that can charge that much should not be referred to as a common "whore"! :D

HarmNone

[Sweets]

A blond calls up her boyfriend and asks him to come over.

"I am trying to put together this wicked puzzle and I need some help." She says.

"What's it of?", he asks.

"A picture of a tiger is on the front of the box." She replies.

So he pops on over and stares down at the table where she was working.

"Okay hun, how about we put the frosted flakes back in the box and we watch tv instead."



disclaimer-Hopefully no blonds were hurt by this joke.

[Myshel]

A cowboy is captured by Indians and they are going to torture and kill him. The Chief comes to the teepee they are holding him in and asks him if he has any last requests. He says yes, and asks for his horse. They shrug and bring him his horse. He whispers into the horse's ear and it gallops off. Shortly bringing back a beautiful blonde on its back. They go into the teepee and have fun.
The Chief asks the cowboy again, you have any last requests, again the cowboy asks for his horse and whispers in its ear. Shortly the horse comes back with a beautiful redhead on its back, they go into the teepee and have some fun.
The Chief, mystified again asks the cowboy, any last requests. He asks for his horse again. He screams into the horses ear..

POSSE I SAID POSSE!!

[Solkern]

OK this is the BEST fucking joke ever!


OK ask some of your friends.....
What sexual position produces the UGLIST children...

(they will say i don't know or say some positions)

(then once they are done..you say)

"honestly I don't know either, why don't you go ask you mom?

[Ravenstorm]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

Raven

[Solkern]

OK, Since the sexual position joke was the best one ever, I got some more


What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
last years winner from hide and seek

Why did the blonde sniff sweet and low?
she thought it was diet coke

What did the blonde say to her boyfriend when he blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill!

Ok there are these two canniblists Eric and Bob, and they sit down to eat a full size man, Eric starts at his head, Bob starts at his feet....
They start eating and after about 5 mins, Eric goes "hey Bob, how ya doing down there?"

Bob goes, "Man I'n having a ball!"

Eric Then says "God DAMN you eat fast!"

[The Korean]

just got this in an email...and had to pass it on...

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd
like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat bitch.

[Artha]

Here's a good joke: Every team that isn't Team Spider.

[Bobmuhthol]

Excuse the poor grammar.

It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals. At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him. "Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "it's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat! What's up
with that I wonder!" The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife. We went to the games together." "Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously. "She passed away," said the gentleman. "Oh, I'm sorry, You could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man. Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No they're all at the funeral."

+1000000000000000 points to whoever names the site.

btw you'll most likely be banned if you do (pr0n alert)

[The Korean]

*removed link

[Edited on 5-3-2004 by The Korean]

[Bobmuhthol]

rofl, it'd be a good idea to take that link down.

And no.

[Ravenstorm]

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called.

The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!"

[Edaarin]

What do you call it when five white guys are pushing a car up the street?

White power.

What do you call it when five Asian guys are pushing a car up the street?

Yellow power.

What do you call it when five black guys are pushing a car up the street?

Black power.

What do you call it when five Mexican guys are pushing a car up the street?

Grand theft auto.

[Vesi]

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good
example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and action and I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when them parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Xenostrus]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Xenostrus]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

[Xenostrus]

This one is my favorite.

These two guys were walking one day when they came across a ladder that went all the way up into the clouds. Curious as to where the ladder led to they decided to climb it. At the top, they saw a cute woman that said "you can stay here and have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." The two men thought about it for a minute and finally decided to climb the ladder.

Reaching the next cloud they saw another woman. She was more beautiful than the first and she said "you can stay here and have passionate sex with me or climb the ladder to success." The two men looked at the beautiful woman, thought about it and decided to climb the ladder.

Reaching yet another cloud they saw the most beautiful woman they have ever seen. She slowily walked to the men and asked the same question "you can stay here and have orgasmic sex with me or climb the ladder to success." The men quickly climbed the ladder without hesitation.

Filled with the anticipation of how beautiful the next woman was going to be, they quickly reached the next cloud. As they climbed off the ladder they saw an EXTREMELY over weight, sweaty, funky man that was naked with fly's surrounding his penis. The fat, sweaty man walked over to the two men and said " Hey, I'm Cess."

LOL

for those who dont get it...
<<you can stay here and have sex with me or climb the ladder to SUCK-CESS.>>