Confused, Lost, Seekings opinions

[IcyPoison]

Where to start..

I had a relationship of 4 years (gay) that just recently ended because I cheated on him with someone I met at work. I've been living with this new person for a few weeks now, but last night we had a very serious talk where he stated he was not gay. He says he chooses not to be gay. Yet we have sex and he has had other boyfriends. He states he just wants to be friends that get off togther when we're horny. I'm more into the relationship than that and I basically don't know what the fuck I want to do.

I have the option to go back to my ex, we had 4 years together but in those 4 years we had a lot of good and a lot of bad. We've had physical fights and I've called the cops on him. But I still have very strong feelings for him and I know if we worked on the relationship that we would be ok in the end.

So on one hand, I have a boy who I'm extremely attracted to, who won't commit, who states he's not gay (with a cock in his mouth) and won't make any kind of commitment other than we'll come home to each other and we won't sleep with others. He states he wants to help me get back on my feet and be my friend. But I'm not sure I can handle just being friends because I've already have feelings for him.

On the other side, I have a man who loves me more than anything in the world, who can provide a lifestyle of lavish and love, but there is a big age difference (25 years) and we would have to do a lot of work to get the relationship back to where it should be.

I'm really confused right now, my friends tell me that I just need to be on my own and give it some time. The problem with that is I can do that, but I would be driving an hour to and from work. I don't want that to be the reason why I choose one or the other, I'm afraid thats part of it and I'm so fucking confused I don't know which way is up.

But I'm rambled on and on, if you've made it this far I thank you for reading about my life and hopefully you'll respond with a respectful tone, whether you agree with my lifestyle or not.

Thanks for your time.

[Snapp]

I have to say I agree with the friends that told you you need to be on your own for a while. I had a period where I hopped relationship to relationship just because I didn't want to be alone. It doesnt work, and it sounds like you need time to recover.

As for the guy that says he's "not gay"... I've been there, he's not worth your time until he can accept himself.

[Myrianna]

"We've had physical fights and I've called the cops on him. But I still have very strong feelings for him and I know if we worked on the relationship that we would be ok in the end. "
No no no... do NOT go back there....
As for the Gay/Bisexual/Whatever he is... If your hearts in it, and his isn't, move on...
Edited to add: Yes, traveling an hour back and forth sucks, I know... So does being stuck in a dead end relationship... The traveling is the lesser of the evils, I assure you.
Your friends are right, spend some time alone, find out what you want in life and in a relationship, then look for it... Don't settle for what you know. Don't SETTLE for anything... Get what you WANT... It's the only way this life will be worth it.

[Edited on 12-14-2003 by Myrianna]

[Miss X]

I agree with your friends too. Never settle for a relationship with someone who either won't commit when you want to, or will be physically abusive.
I guess part of you doesnt want to be alont but it will honestly do you a lot of good to have some time to yourself.

Im guessing your youngish, you have time to meet someone else, someone better for you. This is just what life is like (cliche time) its a rollercoaster of ups and downs. We fall in and out of love, its human nature.

I totally agree with whats been said, dont ever settle for anything less than what you want, and what will make you happy. Sometimes you just have to be selfish and look after yourself. Your the only one that can do that.

[Bestatte]

I don't think this is a "gay issue" but rather a "relationships" issue so I'm gonna offer some words on that.

You have an ex who used to get into physical fights with you to the point where you had to call the cops.

Don't go back there. It's a no-brainer. Don't consider it an option.

You have a recent experience with someone who claims not to share a rather significant lifestyle/genetic/whatever trait with you...but wants to experience the benefits of that lifestyle/genetic trait/whatever anyway. Sounds like you're being used. Don't go back there. Don't consider it an option.

Instead, take time for yourself. Look over all the -other- relationships (of ALL kinds) you've had. Have you always been attracted to people, in ANY kind of relationship, where you were the nurtured and they were the nurturers? Have you always put yourself in the position of being dependent on other people for happiness, or things, or satisfaction, or enjoyment of your life?

If the answer is yes, then I would recommend, very strongly, that you find a way to break that pattern before even thinking about moving on to another relationship.

If the answer is no, then I'd suggest that you probably just need some time to sort out what YOU want, and to hell with what OTHER people want, and find someone who can match what YOU consider a healthy relationship.

[Ravenstorm]

Add in my vote for taking some time for yourself right now.

The first relationship was obviously unhealthy. I don't care who, what or why, if someone hits you once it's time to get away. And when you add in he's much older than you, I dont' see him thinking of you as an equal.

The second is just as unhealthy for you. The guy is obviously having issues about his own sexuality. From what you said, he's just using you which is equally abusive in its own way.

The good news is that there's a lot more than two guys out there. Find one closer to your own age, who regards you as an equal, who's wants what you want. Don't rush it. Take time to figure out exactly what you want before you rush into anything.

If what you want now is a monogamous commitment, don't settle. And just remember, you can't change a person.

Raven

[IcyPoison]

I'm very thankful for the comments that have been made so far, they bring into light things I haven't really considered, or my mind has been too clouded to even begin to think about.

I know I shouldn't go back to the ex, but I still have strong feelings for him and I don't want to be alone. I know I should face up to the fact that its part of life, but its difficult to accept.

On the second relationship.. he came into work just a little bit ago and we had a talk. He asked me what I would do if he wanted to date a girl.. obviously I would leave. He said he wants me to stay, but as a friend, if I needed someone to hug, kiss, get off with, whatever, he would be there for me. But I don't think I can handle that, I'm a bit emotional at times and I was crying last night and today because of the talk we had.

I really don't understand how someone can say they're not gay when they have gay sex. Its so damn frustrating. I just want to smack him and say wake up, you don't do those things if you're straight. His defense for that is he has friends at home who are straight, but they've gotten off together.

I think I am going to have to force myself to be alone though. I know I'm only going to hurt myself more by choosing to stay with him when he has no interest in anything other then friends.

[Bestatte]

Well from my own experience, maybe a little insight.

I'm heterosexual. Sorta. Actually, I'm more just "sexual" than anything else. I like having orgasms. I'm happily married, to a man, and I'm a woman, and this suits me just fine. I have no desire to get into any relationship with a woman.

However, this doesn't prevent me from being attracted to a woman, or even fantasizing about the idea. In fact, I've "experimented," as most people do at one point or another in their lives, with same-gender sex. It didn't "do it" for me, but I felt I needed to explore it anyway.

If it did "do it" for me, I still don't think I would've labeled myself homosexual. I'm after the orgasm when it comes to sex, not after the person giving it to me. When it comes to relationships, I like men. They're a nice counterpart for me. I tend to be very feminine about certain things in my personality, and I need that masculinity to off-set it, or balance it.

But when it comes to that big O, it doesn't really make any difference how I get there. Male, female, my finger, a toy, whatever.

Sex is sex. Relationships are relationships. Two different things, though when you find someone who you can combine both with equally, it's grand.

[Ravenstorm]

Originally posted by IcyPoison
I really don't understand how someone can say they're not gay when they have gay sex. Its so damn frustrating. I just want to smack him and say wake up, you don't do those things if you're straight. His defense for that is he has friends at home who are straight, but they've gotten off together.

With the disclaimer that I don't know him, I'm guessing he's bi. And has a fair number of insecurity issues. So long as he can convince himself he's straight but 'just horny', he doesn't have to deal with the issue he's 'a fag'.

This is not the type of person to be in a relationship with. I feel sorry for any girl he dates too as she's going to be cheated on and have to deal with his issues too.

Raven

[IcyPoison]

Well, I made him an interesting compromise that I think I can live with.. at least for awhile.. I told him lets continue to be friends that date, I won't push the situation or ask for me. He just has to promise that we will only date each other, if he does want to pursue another date he has to tell me first and we'll deal with it at that time. I also asked that he not actively pursue someone else and he was able to agree to that.

I'm not sure how its going to work out in the end, but I'm willing to take a chance because I do care about him, even if I may be a little hurt in the end.

Call me stupid, I can't say that I'll disagree, but with the options that present themselves, I want to choose this one so I can spend what time I have with this man.

Bestette...

"Sex is sex. Relationships are relationships. Two different things, though when you find someone who you can combine both with equally, it's grand. "

That is the best thing I've ever heard and I completely agree with it 100%. It really puts things into perspective.

[Adhara]

People so far have given you great advice I think. I agree that the best route would have been to go solo for a while but you have reached a different decision.

Just a word of warning on that compromise. You make it sound as though he might have been agreeing to some of your terms reluctantly. I wonder if you trust him to hold to his word. If you don't trust him completely... you might want to review this compromise. Lack of trust quickly poisons a relationship. If you do trust him, that's great but make sure you don't let your feelings blind you to the truth should you see evidence that he is not holding true to his word.

In short, be trustful but not blind!

[IcyPoison]

My things will be packed at the first sign of mistrust. I have to allow him the freedom to do things on his own, with his own friends, but he'll have to do it in a manner that I feel comfortable in for that to work.

[IcyPoison]

He has been honest with me so far though, so I (cross my fingers) don't think there will be a trust issue.

[Ravenstorm]

Your mistake is trying to pursue a relationship with someone who...

1) doesn't seem to want a relationship with another guy

2) doesn't seem to want a relationship at all

3) hasn't figured out who he is yet.

It sounds like you're hoping that by continuing to be with him, all of a sudden he's going to change and be everything you want him to be. People don't work like that. I feel that you're setting yourself up for a fall and some serious hurt. It's your decision though. Good luck.

Raven

[Caramia]

All the good advice given here seems to have helped, but I'll add one thing more...

If going back to the first, because I've done that as well, make sure two things happen:
Counseling and communication.

He has to understand that you won't tolerate any kind of physical, mental, or emotional abuse, that you're interested in a loving relationship. Either he needs help, or you both need to seek help.

You both need to learn how to communicate so that when issues like the above arise, you can work them out in a positive manner.

People don't change quickly... some change not at all. But they do change with effort, and an effort is what he needs to show... or you should be out of there quickly. Keep a small bag packed with some essential stuff, just in case you need to make a dash for to be safe.

You might also want to examine why you felt you needed to "cheat" on him, as you said, and see if that adds any enlightenment about the relationship. Cheating complicates a relationship too, so be prepared for some of that backlash.

Find a local LGBTI community center or social organization, and get some local support.

[Souzy]

Listen to your friends. Take some time to yourself and think about things. As for your confused friend, he's so in the closet and needs to come out. Don't put any more time or feelings into him. He just wants a fuck buddy. Since you've just come out of a serious relationship, most likely he's a rebound for you. What you need to do is take some time off from relationships, adjust your life without that other person in it and enjoy being single again.

Oh and fighting the way you do with your BF is not healthy. Granted that you do love him, but love can only go so far. There's no reason why someone should get physically hurt in any relationship. If you fight more times than you get along, there's something wrong. You need some time to re-evaluate your relationship and what you need for you. So yeah, umm listen to your friends.

[IcyPoison]

On staying with #2.. I just want a chance to see what will happen. The commitment isn't there.. and there is more that I didn't really say... He possibly has a baby on the way which is due in the next month or two. He's not sure if its his or not. The girl also has three other kids with three different men. He doesn't want to go back to a relationship with her, but he doesn't want to raise his child around a gay relationship of any type.

If the baby is his, I know our relationship is over, he's been honest about that from the beginning and I respect that as thats a whole other world and I have absolutely no right to try to convince him otherwise. If its his child, that child means more then anything else in the world and should.

"Find a local LGBTI community center or social organization, and get some local support."

I never even thought about this but I'm going to look into it more when I get home. I'm really glad you mentioned this because I think its a great idea.

[i remember halloween]

serves you right

[Drew2]

Halloween, if you don't have any advice to offer, or if you don't like his lifestyle, just don't comment. Ignore this thread and don't be a jackass.

There is something in the TOS about flaming someone's lifestyle, so I'd be careful as well.

[JustMe]

Heh, guy #2 sounds like one of my really good friends. He'll sleep with girls, he'll sleep with guys, he NEVER tells anyone that he sleeps with guys, calls himself straight, yet has a boyfriend on the side. ::shakes head:: He doesn't want to believe he's bi or gay but he likes guys more than girls.

Anyway, you should really find your own way and own life without either one of them. Neither relationship is healthy.

[Ravenstorm]

Tayre, speaking as someone who is not a fan of i remember halloween's, I tend to believe he is saying that because of the cheating that IcyPoison admitted to.

While I can not and do not condone cheating - being someone who regards betrayal as one of the few real sins - if ever there was an excuse for it, it is being in an abusive relationship.

I hope i remember halloween is just as condemning of physical abuse as he is of cheating.

Raven

[i remember halloween]

Originally posted by Tayre
Halloween, if you don't have any advice to offer, or if you don't like his lifestyle, just don't comment. Ignore this thread and don't be a jackass.

There is something in the TOS about flaming someone's lifestyle, so I'd be careful as well.

perhaps you failed to read this part:

"I had a relationship of 4 years (gay) that just recently ended because I cheated on him with someone I met at work."

but go ahead and keep making assumptions... it compliments your brilliance very well.

[IcyPoison]

The cheating part was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. We've both said multiple times that we broke up, but I still stayed with him through it all.

Inside it didn't feel like we were together though, I was still with him so I still cheated. But there were a lot of complications that lead up to that event. I'm not trying to justify those actions but I wanted to explain the situation in a little more detail.

How about you both be men and suck it the fuck up. Jesus. You'd think with all the dick flapping around over there you wouldn't be acting like a high school couple and breaking up a million freakin times. Do you guys write each other notes to express how you feel too?

[Ravenstorm]

Indeed.

Once you've grunted and scratched yourself what more needs to be said.

Raven

Well you have to decide whos paying for the pizza.

[Kurapira]

I do not condone cheating for any reason what-so-ever. If you are going to cheat, you might as well just break up. As you said, it was the final point to end the relationship. Let me ask you this though:

Why would you want to stay with someone that would physically hurt you to the point that you have to call the cops?

What are YOU looking for in a relationship? A gay man or a significant other? (Yes, there is a difference here.)

Just something for you to think about. Onto your other concerns..
I suggest some time by yourself will help you to be more objective about the situation. Right now, with man #2 (the attractive non-commitave one) you are in a stage that is known as the "honey moon stage." You are overlooking flaws and reasoning with the relationship. Everyone does it, no biggie. Ask yourself this.. Do you want a fuck buddy or someone that will fullfill you? Games are not fun, and best not to be played. Perhaps putting aside the emotions of the title "gay or straight," you should look at the person. Right now, he is looking for a fuck buddy (from what you have shared with us) and a friend. He is hurting you by this.. Why subject yourself to more agonizing nights where you cry and can't understand what you are thinking? Again, time by yourself will help you greatly with your search.

I know this is long, and I will end my monologue with this...
Sometimes it is best to walk away from it all and just breathe. Let someone find you.

[SpunGirl]

I can't believe this guy would rather have his child raised by a ho who has kids from a zillion different guys than around a "gay relationship." Granted, it's not the healthiest relationship regardless of the orientation, but jeezus.

I've seen hyenas that would make better mothers than some straight women.

-K

[Brat8525]

My advice, run far and fast, from both situations. Sounds like neither is healthy and you need to be alone, maybe date here and there, but alone to grow up and find out what it is that makes you attracted to men like this.

Tara

[IcyPoison]

#1 did anything and everything for me. A part of me felt like he was the parent I always wanted but never had, but I also was intimate with him so it was an odd situation. He has treated me better than anyone has in my entire life, thats why I fell in love with him.

But then we had the problems that complicated the situation and kind of broke me inside, I no longer felt the same way about him. The funny thing is, I had a conversation with #2 last night that didn't go very well (Basically what started this thread) and the next day I went running right back to him. I know I shouldn't, I know I don't want to, but I still do.

Something interesting that happened last night.. for the first time he "entered" me... But he says he's not gay. I was just shocked when he did it, he didn't get off in me or anything but the fact that he entered is just something that blows my mind away. I tried to get him into the mood this morning (with some lube this time) but he wasn't interested anymore. Funny thing is I'm not even sure how that sexual act started last night, I don't remember waking up, but I remember looking at the clock saying 5:30 am.

[IcyPoison]

A little background info on me... My mother, grandmother, cousin, aunt and basically whole side of the family that I take after have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar.

Everyone wants me to get tested and I can't say that I honestly think I'm not. But there are people here that are versed about that disease? and it may shed a little light on why I'm messed up.

Here is a poem or two that I wrote during that whole drama, directed/about/for #2.

All these thoughts and feelings,
Just burning up inside,
So many options I could choose,
I just don't know which one is right,
I know we could be happy,
Being friends or something more,
I just don't know if I can stand it,
To be hurt by anyone, anymore,
I really wish you felt for me,
The way I feel inside,
But its something you're afraid of,
Something you have to decide,
You choose to be a certain way,
But I'm not sure if the choice is yours,
I wish you only the best in life,
I just wish I could offer you more,
I've done anything and everything,
I just wish I could do more,
To make you feel the way for me,
The way you deserve to feel, and more,
And in my final closing,
I'll say this one more time,
You're such a special person to me,
I wish I could be there for you, any and all the time.

I honestly thought I was more to you,
Than just a piece of ass,
I never quite realized the facts,
Until the very last,
I don't know what to do right now,
My heart has shattered inside,
All I know is that I care for you,
But the pain is too much to hide.


These feelings of confusion,
I don't know what to do,
I don't want to run back to him,
But thats just what I will do,
I can't go back to the way things were,
I feel its already doomed,
I feel so lonely inside right now,
I just wish I could be with you,
It hurts me so much that you don't want me,
That you're afraid of being labeled gay,
It used to mean a happy thing,
In another time and way,
I write to get this out of me,
Not to anger or to hurt,
So please don't be mad at me,
I don't want to lose your heart.

[Bestatte]

Bi-polar disorder is just a new catch-phrase for manic depression. Extreme highs and lows, sudden fits of laughter or crying for no understandable or logical reason, fatigue one day and jitters the next, cold sweats and hot flashes in the same hour.

It's more a bunch of symptoms all bunched up into a nice neat little phrase that they can treat with medication.

It's supposedly caused by a mis-trigger of seratonin in the brain, but what causes -that- is not known and debated by the medical community.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, clinical depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and given prozac to treat it. After six months of jaw-clenching, knee-shaking, brain-numbing agony, I tossed the drugs and came to the conclusion that I'd rather be labeled "sick" than have to endure the meds.

I'm feeling MUCH better now :)

I'd still recommend getting checked to eliminate any chance of an organic problem, such as food allergies or lack of certain vitamins or minerals in the system. I went to a naturopath who had a bloodtest done that determined that I'm allergic to wheat, eggs, and dairy. As a result, when I eat too much of anything containing these substances, I notice myself becoming more hostile. Reactions to allergies aren't always rashes and hives, sometimes they're mental or emotional.

So I treat myself, without meds, by drastically reducing my cheese consumption on days when I'm feeling particularly down, and I avoid wheat and eggs in the evening to prevent me from having trouble sleeping.

Please understand, this is how I have chosen to deal with this so-called "illness" myself, and my opinion of psychological labels are contrary to what most people think about them. I don't mean to impose my thoughts on the matter on you, but urge you to find out for yourself, and then come to your own conclusions.

Never pass off an emotional problem as just "a mood." Even if you choose my way of doing things and just deal with the "illness" yourself, it's imperative to get that initial diagnosis so you know exactly what it is you're dealing with.

[SpunGirl]

/screams

-K

[Drew2]

<insert Bestatte's post>

I have the ultimate answer to 95% of your physical and mental health problems!

GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET ON A TREDMILL.

And that's my opinion, and I also urge YOU to try it and find out for yourself and draw your own conclusions. :D


Edit: Also, IcyPoison, I'm sorry you're having problems, but I'd rather not hear about what went where and how with what lube. You can find other ways to convey your meanings, I'm sure.

[Edited on 12-16-2003 by Tayre]

[SpunGirl]

I'd rather hear about Icypoison's lube than Bestatte's orgasms, personally.

On that note, I think for this week we can add Lawyer, Psychologist and Sex Therapist to Bestatte's ever-growing list of professions.

-K

[Caramia]

Leave it to me to once again correct people for being so quick to put inaccurate labels on things.

Bi-Polar DISORDER is not a disease, but it certainly is convenient for people to label it as such, even though it's often very successfully treatable with little to no side-effects, and people can go on with their lives free of the mood swings.

At least 50% of people with bipolar disorder have a parent with a mood disorder, most often major depressive disorder. A person has a 30% chance of inheriting a mood disorder if one parent has bipolar disorder, and a 60% chance if both parents have it. Research has found an even greater risk among twins, especially identical twins, who have a parent with bipolar disorder.

So even if you suspect you inherited it, it's still a good idea to get some sort of testing to confirm a diagnosis, rather than assume and self-treat. By adopting a label, you risk not getting help for what simply could be plain old depression, a hormonal imbalance, or worse yet, a brain tumor or lesion. All of those are quite capable of producing similar results.

It's even been suggested that there are some environmental issues and viruses that can trigger bi-polar disorder or similar systems.

You can look at all the laundry lists of symptoms and self-diagnose all you want based on other people's experiences... but seldom will you find any professionals here. Do NOT take medical advice from chat rooms or these boards! Any PROFESSIONAL worth their salt and their hypocratic oath will advise you to contact your doctor.

well after reading this i will shove my opinion in... ill stay away from the type of relationship....
what im going to say might be a little more harsh than the women here are really willing to say
Icypoison by the sounds of it all you are just looking for somebody to take care of you
both relationships what the guys are really offering is that
love is a word that people toss around to easily, if somebody hits you there is no love
you just cling to that man because as you put it (offers you a lavish lifestyle) if something like that even comes close to entering your vocabulary when you talk about a relationship step back and look at yourself YOU are a gold digger.
I drive 50min to work every day so having to drive a hour to work and that being a problem means A you need to get a new job B you need to stop being a baby and grow up
ill continue more later when i have time

[Souzy]

Oh Gods Edine is mean! Big meanie!!!!!!!!!! /shrieks

[Bestatte]

Caramia, whose post are you replying to? I read back and as far as I could see, I was the only one who discussed bi-polar disorder in any detail.

I named it a disorder, not a disease, explained what I knew of it, a bit of my own experience with it, and urged the guy to get checked by a medical doctor to a) make sure that's really what the problem is and b) try to determine the trigger for episodes so he can either be treated or treat himself accordingly.

What part of my post, then, are you disagreeing with that you have to jump in saying "leave it to me to correct..."?

[Weedmage Princess]

I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Edine. Just because someone "takes care of you" and does things for you is no reason to stay with them if you don't love them as much as they love you in return...which looks like it may be the case given you cheated.

I understand driving a long distance five days a week sucks, but people do it everyday. I understand not having someone hold your hand everytime you'd like someone to sucks, but you're not the only one in the world who has to work through difficult situations by themselves. We all do at one point or another.

My advice....just bite the bullet, be an adult and walk away. Sit down, figure out what you want, then find it...but try not to use people or take advantage of them while you're in the process. What goes around comes around and karma is a bitch, my friend. That being said, I do hope you find what you need as quickly and painless as possible.

I ask in the last few years how long is the longest amount of time you have not been in a relationship?

[IcyPoison]

To be honest... I've gone from relationship to relationship... Before I met #1 I was with someone... I left him to be with #1, then left #1 to be with #2... I guess I have a problem.

[Ravenstorm]

I wouldn't call it a problem exactly.

You aren't the first person who's been 'in love with being in love'. And it is certainly understandable to enjoy being cared about and caring about someone in turn.

However. You knew there was a however, right? When you always have to take into account being an 'us' you never learn how to be a 'me'. Who are you when you're not in a relationship? You need to find that out about yourself.

Now, it might be a problem if you /need/ to be in a relationship. If, as soon as you aren't in one, you immediately start to look for one to fill some hole, then there's a problem. You need to be whole by yourself before you can be part of a pair.

Least that's my take on things.

Raven

edited to add:

Rereading your post the first time, I somehow missed the constant 'left with' between each of those. Yes, that's a problem. The grass is not always greener. You definitely need to be by yourself for a while and figure out who you are and what you want.

[Edited on 12-16-2003 by Ravenstorm]

[HarmNone]

Icy, you really need to get some professional help. You are so conflicted it would all but impossible for you to see yourself objectively enough to help yourself, and the help you need is not available from unknown voices on the internet.

Raven and Snapp have given you some excellent general advice, as have others. Still, you need help to work through the problems you are facing, and it is just not available here.

I am sincerely sorry that you are suffering so. I hope you will seek professional help right away. The sooner you get started, the sooner the sadness can begin to fade. :)

HarmNone

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by Bestatte
Well from my own experience, maybe a little insight.

I'm heterosexual. Sorta. Actually, I'm more just "sexual" than anything else. I like having orgasms. I'm happily married, to a man, and I'm a woman, and this suits me just fine. I have no desire to get into any relationship with a woman.

However, this doesn't prevent me from being attracted to a woman, or even fantasizing about the idea. In fact, I've "experimented," as most people do at one point or another in their lives, with same-gender sex. It didn't "do it" for me, but I felt I needed to explore it anyway.

If it did "do it" for me, I still don't think I would've labeled myself homosexual. I'm after the orgasm when it comes to sex, not after the person giving it to me. When it comes to relationships, I like men. They're a nice counterpart for me. I tend to be very feminine about certain things in my personality, and I need that masculinity to off-set it, or balance it.

But when it comes to that big O, it doesn't really make any difference how I get there. Male, female, my finger, a toy, whatever.

Sex is sex. Relationships are relationships. Two different things, though when you find someone who you can combine both with equally, it's grand.

HOW the fuck did I miss this post.............................................. ........

[SpunGirl]

It's called blocking out unpleasant experiences, Parkbandit.

-K

[Parkbandit]

Originally posted by SpunGirl
It's called blocking out unpleasant experiences, Parkbandit.

-K

One lady's dislike is another man's pleasure... :)

[HarmNone]

Originally posted by Parkbandit
HOW the fuck did I miss this post.............................................. ........

I am sure I have no idea, Parkbandit. However, if you find out how you did it would you mind sharing the trick? :)

HarmNone

[Caramia]

Heh, I'm with HarmNone... a bit TMI for me as well. Much more appropriate for a private conversation than a public sharing.

As for the disease reference to the disorder known as bi-polar, you referred to it a couple of times as an illness and your sickness, Roberta. It is neither.

[IcyPoison]

Something I wanted to mention...

Bill has been on medicine here recently. I went over and spent some time with him last night after the car crash... He's changed a lot. He was honestly a completely different person, he is so much more calm now when we talk, even about difficult things, he doesn't have the same anamosity in his tone, he actually laughed.. I haven't heard him laugh in a long time.

I'm not running back to him, but I do like the way he is changing, I can't say I honestly don't want to try but I'd also like to get out on my own and do my own thing.

One thing I didn't know and what I'm hoping someone out there does know is Trazadone.. He's on that with Wellbutrin but I don't know anything about the Trazadone.. anyone??

[Ravenstorm]

Both are antidepressants.

A good place to look up info on drugs is:

http://health.yahoo.com/health/drugs/

I always check out the side effects and contraindications of anything I might be prescribed. Also the drug interactions.

Raven

[IcyPoison]

Well.. this has kind of been like therapy for me... There have been more changes so I thought I would update.

We went and saw Rent.. it was a long drive, the weather wasn't the best, but the trip was an awesome experience that I will never forget. We started on the 22nd after midnight, we had to wait for him (Stawn) to get off of work. We drove until about 4 in the morning and found a hotel to crash for a few hours. We woke up at 10 or so, didn't get on to the road until 11. Burger King breakfast slowed us down because the guy working the drive through was a complete dumbass. He messed up what we wanted, he forgot to give us all the food, Stawn drove backwards through the drive through because he was so ticked. I was so embaressed but it was fun. :)

I took over driving about an hour or two away from NY. Driving through NJ and then into NY. We were supposed to head to the LGA and park but we (I) took a wrong turn and we ended up going over the Holland Tunnel into NY. We decided we would take a chance and drive around, finding a spot wherever we could. We drove through lower manhatten on broadway, through china town I think? I was a little nervous there, I never quite realized how crazy NY taxi drivers are. NY drivers are a little more aggressive than I'm used to. We stopped at a Starbucks (One on every corner by the way) to get some hot cocoa and coffee. I was flirting with the lady behind the counter because we were somewhat lost. She helped us a little bit with directions and then asked us how long we had been together. Stawn's face turned bright red and I just started laughing. I asked him how long we were together in a really playful tone and he just smiled and shook his head. He says he's not gay but the counter girl picked him out right away.

We eventually found are way to port authority where we parked. We walked around the streets for a few hours before the show. We didn't have time to eat where we wanted so we stopped for drinks and an appetizer. I had a strawberry daquiri that was 10$, I didn't realize how expensive everything in NY is. We actually had to jog to the theatre.. my sense of direction was a little thrown off so we walked a few blocks that we didn't have to.

We walked into the theatre and up the three flights of stairs. We had seats in the middle and everybody had already sat down so they gave a little grief but were polite and made plenty of room. Once the show came on I was awestruck. I have never been to the theatre before and the beginning was just amazing. I didn't quite know where to turn my attention to. I kept looking at Stawn just to see his reaction, we were having a great time. I can actually still see the parts of the play in my mind. He was sweet and held my hand, I laughed once I saw the Drag Queen, I never expected that.

I didn't understand all of that show, there were parts where I just couldn't follow all of the story. Thankfully the woman next to us had seen it a few times and she was explaining things to a friend. I actually cried once Mimi died.. (yeah, I'm a crybaby.) It was a really powerful show.

Once the show was over we headed back into Times Square. We stopped at a couple souvenier shops, I got an I love NY shirt.. (Gotta have one) and we picked up a snow globe for a friend. I really wish I had more time to see the city but we were on time constraints so we didn't stay long.

Before we left the city, while walking back to the car, Stawn and I started talking. He hates it whenever I try to have a serious talk about relationships or anything really. I'm not sure exactly what all was said but he eventually said he wasn't into this. That if he wanted this much drama he would date a woman. I explained to him that you'll eventually have to have adult conversations no matter what relationship you're in, thats part of life. I was pretty upset at that point, so we walked right back to the car and took off. We didn't talk for a few hours. We drove out of the city and found another hotel to crash at.

The next morning he apologized. I didn't really feel like it meant much. The only thing that bothered me is his actions don't equal his words.

It was a loooong drive back, I drove for a few hours until I got a speeding ticket in PA. 162$ for doing 85 in a 65.. It wouldn't be that bad but I crashed my car 4 days earlier... And with SK saying he wasn't into the night before.. my christmas was starting out a little rough. He took over driving at that point, I had just had enough. Thankfully that gave me a chance to really buckle down and talk to him. I wish I could remember everything that was said but we had a very long talk about him and I. Who he was, how he felt, it was a first and it really helped me to realize a lot. He has never been around any type of gay realtionship, but he states he doesn't want one. He said that he did leave the door open for a relationship with me but he closed it because he didn't want that kind of relationship. I called him a slut and that really upset him. But he has had a lot of sexual experience, and they haven't really been relationships, just hookups for sex. While I realize most people may have done things like this, I have to a point, but I feel its something you grow out of, he's still in that stage. I did apologize to him for saying that, but I still feel he's a slut. All and all it ended not bad, we drove back and he stuck around the house for a few hours before work. After all of that we still ended up being affectionate.. I don't understand it completely.

I spent christmas eve and christmas with my ex. He has really changed as a person and I wanted to spend time with him and his family. I always enjoyed the holidays spent with him, this one was really special in the fact that they all accepted me even though I wasn't really part of their family anymore, they made me feel like I was. I ended up going to my mothers house on christmas day but not until late. I didn't get her a present and I felt really bad about that. With my car crash and everything that had been going on I just didn't get a chance to do anything I wanted this year.

I got to see my aunt and uncle and my nieces this year, I haven't seen them in a few years and they've grown so much. They're so beautiful as well, I couldn't believe it. I went back christmas night to stawn and the apartment. Everything was going fine until that evening. A friend from work came over and he had been drinking, he's not the same person when he drinks by the way. We eventually got into a fight that night and I realized that I needed to get out of there. My life seems to have gone downhill ever since I met him. I didn't get to sleep until 5am that morning because they were up drinking. It didn't help that I had to work the next morning, had to be in at 10:30. I called off and started packing my things. By 2:30 pm I had all of my things packed into a car and I was heading out. I came back later that night with Bill and got the rest of the large furniture and I was out. Stawn and I had a good talk that morning, he really wanted me to stay, but I asked him what there was to stay for. He listed off some things, but I explained to him the only reason I was there was for us, if there is no us, there is no reason for me to be there. He tried his best to convince me to stay, but I was strong and kept to my decision.

So right now I'm staying at Bill's house, but I'm not really with Bill. Things are going very well, every night has been a pleasant one.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and on.. its a long one.

[Ravenstorm]

Originally posted by IcyPoison
He listed off some things, but I explained to him the only reason I was there was for us, if there is no us, there is no reason for me to be there.

Well said.

On another note, yeah. Broadway is awesome. There's something about live theatre that's special. Any live performance really, including concerts and symphonies.

NYC can be /very/ expensive but there are tricks to making it cheaper which really don't matter that much if you're just talking about one visit. I didn't realize you were coming from so far away.

I love going to Broadway myself though I haven't been there in quite some time due mainly to expense. The last time I was int he city I caught Show Boat during a matinee show and then Victor/Victoria in the evening with dinner in between. It was an expensive day but doing it in one day instead of two made it a little cheaper.

Glad you had a good time and are getting things worked out. Stick to your guns and (eventually) find a boyfriend who wants the same things you want. For now though just enjoy being by yourself. It's not a bad thing.

Raven