HEHE joke thread HAHA

[Sean of the Thread]

We've been overdue on a new joke thread.

A marine boards a plane and make his way to his aisle seat.
He notices 2 Arab men sitting in the seats next to the window.
Once the plane took off and reached its cruising altitude the marine took his shoes off to make himself comfortable.
The Arab in the middle seat says to him “ let me up please I want a coke”
The marine says “stay seated I’ll get you the coke”
As he walks to the back of the plane the Arab spits in one of the marines shoes.
He returns with the coke and sits back down.
A little while later the Arab in the widow seat says “ let me up please I want a coke”
The marine says “stay seated I’ll get you the coke”
As he walks to the back of the plane the other Arab spits in the marines other shoe.
The plane began its descent and the marine slipped his shoes back on and realized what happened.
He then thought to himself…is this shit ever going to end…spitting in shoes…pissing in cokes?

[Sean of the Thread]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?""A hand job", Harry reply.She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?""A hand job", Harry reply.She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

:rofl:

[Stanley Burrell]

What's better than raping and murdering a 2-year old?

Crowd: Blibbity-blah-we-don't-kn...

Me: NOTHING!

.

I am the life of the party.

[Asha]

A penguin walks into a bar and orders a large whiskey. He downs it and orders another straight after.

Barman pours it out and says to the penguin "That's a lot of drink there son so it is to be sure! (He's Irish) Would you mind to be tellin' me if there's anythin' wrong with you? To be sure."

The penguin downs a little of his drink and looks up at the barmen saying "I'm alcoholic. I drink because I'm lost and don't know where to go from here. My life's a joke... I know it's slowly destroying me but in all honesty drinking is the only thing keeping me from killing myself.

The barmen says "Arrrrr... Jesus Mary and Joseph to be sure that's awful sad so it is!."

The penguin carries on... "It all started when my wife died. I just... I just don't know any more. I don't even know where my kids are!"

With tears in his eyes the penguin pulls out a battered photo of 2 penguin eggs and shows it to the barman. "I just.want to fly far away from here and start again where nobody knows me" says the penguin.

The barman looks at the penguin and says "Penguins cant even fly, dickhead."

[Gordd]

Little Johnny joke:

So Lil Johnny is sitting in class one day and the Teacher asks, "If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and the farmer shoots 2 of them, how many are left?". Lil Johnny shoots his hand up into the air, shouting "Oh oh oh I know". Teacher figures it's a pretty innocent question so she decides to let Lil Johnny answer.

"Go head Lil Johnny", Teacher says.
"None", says Lil Johnny.

The Teacher is confused, so she asks Lil Johnny to explain his answer. Lil Johnny replies, "Well, when the farmer shot those two, the other three got scared and flew off". Teacher thinks about it for a moment and says to Lil Johnny, "Well, not the answer I had in mind, but I like the way you think".

So Lil Johnny says to Teacher, "I got a question for you. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating an ice cream cone. One's licking, one's biting it, and one's sucking it. Which one's married?" Teacher blushes, and then answers, "Well, I'd have to say the one sucking it." Lil Johnny replies, "No, the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"

[Asha]

top film

[Rue]

Subject: Short love story...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.


:kiss:

[Sean of the Thread]

haha that is a goody

[GuildRat]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIY_MQ5x4G4

[Rue]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[crazymage]

http://forum.gsplayers.com/showthread.php?t=29205

[Sean of the Thread]

rofl I get it!

[diethx]

http://forum.gsplayers.com/showthread.php?t=29205

rofl

[Rue]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny ..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway......

[Rue]

People were talking in their church pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Gordd]

Beautiful!

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

I used to date a woman named Tonya... you know why her parents named her Tonya? Because Satan was taken.

What's that hole beneath a womans nose called?
Dong holster

[Asha]

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

[Sean of the Thread]

rofl

[Rue]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[GuildRat]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Man-hater?

[Rue]

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so 'profound,'
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Exam Bonus Question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs, using
Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it
is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. These religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, lets look at the rate of change of temperature and pressure
in Hell. To stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan
during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you!" And, take into account the fact that
I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze.

[Nieninque]

Man-hater?

And clearly the people above who have written jokes at women's expense are women haters.

Idiot.

l2soh

[Rue]

Elderly Sex

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind
this very tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this. Two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Oh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You
must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

[Asha]

A little girl is talking to her mom and says, "mommy, the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut."
The mother laughs and asks, "why is that? Is it really tiny?" The daughter says, "no, cuz it’s salty."

[Sean of the Thread]

for fucks sake I laughed at that

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Oldie but a goodie.

A little girl is playing with her Barbie dolls and she keeps stealing one of her brother's GI Joe's to also play with. After the brother keeps complaining, the mother goes to see what's going on. She approaches her daughter and asks if she has been taking the GI Joe. The little girl responds that she has, and the mother says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken though?" The little girl gives her mother a matter-of-fact look and says, "Barbie comes with Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

SeanyDigital races his car.

here (http://www.whoisthemonkey.com/videos/02/wheels-fall-off-car)

[Asha]

Emergency supplies of Fairy Liquid have been sent by Red cross to South East Asia
Due to the dramatic rise in numbers of people washing up on the beach.

[Stanley Burrell]

SeanyDigital races his car.

here (http://www.whoisthemonkey.com/videos/02/wheels-fall-off-car)

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH.

Here's "Sames and Opposites" by Demetri Martin (the next Mitch Hedberg.) No vid, but listen, for it are funny!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dd6rvXRQHnc

[Nieninque]

Emergency supplies of Fairy Liquid have been sent by Red cross to South East Asia
Due to the dramatic rise in numbers of people washing up on the beach.

Wow you are really funny.

And by funny I meant stupid. And a wanker.

[Nieninque]

Hear the one about the poster on a message board who kept changing his name then threatened to kill himself?

That one has me in stitches.

[Asha]

Wanker, definately

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

You two should kiss and have angry make up sex.

[Nieninque]

You two should kiss and have angry make up sex.

I'd rather stick rusty needles into my eyes.
I dont do emo.

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Hey wait, I'm not emo... (reference Dumb and Dumber coming...)

"So you are saying there's a chance?!"

[Nieninque]

I read ya!

[Rue]

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido
how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Rue]

Gold Fishies

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully,without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

[crazymage]

Indy's Offense.

[Latrinsorm]

Cheating against the Jets (4-12) and the '06 Lions (3-13). :)

[Rue]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
the first shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4,
but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for
YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench
having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is, 'the one with the wedding
ring on, but I like your thinking."

[Asha]

Little JOHNNY!!!

[RichardCranium]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."..........

[RichardCranium]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[Rue]

Did you hear about the Happy Birthday guy?

Here is his story as he tells it;

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my wife,children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


And there I sat...on the couch...naked.

[Blud]

Little Johnny joke:

So Lil Johnny is sitting in class one day and the Teacher asks, "If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and the farmer shoots 2 of them, how many are left?". Lil Johnny shoots his hand up into the air, shouting "Oh oh oh I know". Teacher figures it's a pretty innocent question so she decides to let Lil Johnny answer.

"Go head Lil Johnny", Teacher says.
"None", says Lil Johnny.

The Teacher is confused, so she asks Lil Johnny to explain his answer. Lil Johnny replies, "Well, when the farmer shot those two, the other three got scared and flew off". Teacher thinks about it for a moment and says to Lil Johnny, "Well, not the answer I had in mind, but I like the way you think".

So Lil Johnny says to Teacher, "I got a question for you. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating an ice cream cone. One's licking, one's biting it, and one's sucking it. Which one's married?" Teacher blushes, and then answers, "Well, I'd have to say the one sucking it." Lil Johnny replies, "No, the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"

:rofl:

[Skeeter]

I don't think new jokes exist anymore :cry:

[CrystalTears]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

Irish Pub Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

[Stanley Burrell]

Irish Pub Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

:rofl:

I never bring excess veinerschnitzel to da club/bar/place of intoxication for this exact reason :(

[RichardCranium]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"'cause he'd be SCREWED if he needed glasses".

[CrystalTears]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[NocturnalRob]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

...

[Blud]

This man moves to the mountains, and once per year, he goes to a bar in the foothills and asks for three things:

"I want a steak, a bottle of your best wine, and whore for the night."

The owner of the bar says, "Well, I got the steak, I got the wine, but I ain't got no women...But, I got ole' Jake?"

"Nah...I don't go for that shit," was the response.

The next year, the man comes off the mountain and heads to the same bar with the same request.

"I want a steak, a bottle of your best wine, and a whore for the night."

"I got your steak and I got your wine, but I still ain't got no women. I still got ole Jake, though?"

"Nah, I told you...I don't go for that shit."

The next year, the man comes down, and asks for the same thing.

"I want a steak, a bottle of your best wine, and a whore for the night."

"Listen pal...I got your steak and I got your wine, but I still don't have no women, but I still got ole Jake."

The man thinks about it for a minute and asks, "How many people hafta know about this?"

With a shrug, the owner of the bar says, "Just me, you, ole Jake, and the other two fellas."

"Other two fellas? What other two fellas?"

"The ones that's gotta hold ole Jake down, he don't go for that shit, neither!"

[NocturnalRob]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off arr your crose.

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.....

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[Asha]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says:
"Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says,
"My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says,
"I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Stanley Burrell]

Q: What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?

A: Mudslide.



Q: What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?

A: Avalanche.



Q: What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?

A: JAILBREAK!!!!!!!!!

[Asha]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

[Stanley Burrell]

LoL.

I gotta good one:



People who post on The PC have kids.

[diethx]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."



http://fostershome.epalaces.com/facepalm.png

[Asha]

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

[diethx]

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Wait, aren't you emo?

[Asha]

yeah the joke's first hand experience :)

[diethx]

yeah the joke's first hand experience :)

Oh ok. Just checking!

[Gan]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah,"

said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a
smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

[Dwarven Empath]

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?







Frostbite

[RichardCranium]

What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

Full.

[Nieninque]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Sally in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother,

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Sally. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Sally a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. And then Aunt Sally helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Sally.....

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Sally. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Sally a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Sally helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Sally and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted! .....

[CrystalTears]

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[NocturnalRob]

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

ME THREE!

[Stanley Burrell]

I just made this up:

What do tell a woman with a black eye?























Brb, I have to go solicit prostitutes for financial gain.

[Asha]

I just made this up:

What do tell a women with a black eye?

Nothing, she's been told already?

[AnticorRifling]

What does a walrus and a piece of tupperware have in common?


Both are looking for a tight seal.

[CrystalTears]

:rofl:

[Some Rogue]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two-steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck," he says to himself. "I really want a drink." When
the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your
willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan "Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because “It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him second to think it over. So the cowboy asks s the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One" then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.... 'Like a Rock!'" and gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!"

[Some Rogue]

What does a walrus and a piece of tupperware have in common?


Both are looking for a tight seal.


A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "NO way, thats vanilla ice-cream!"

[Stanley Burrell]

I just made this up:

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?























Brb, I have to go solicit prostitutes for financial gain.


Nothing, she's been told already?

Wrong.

You say, "Are you okay, can I help you put meat on your face to cool the swelling?"

And then, if you catch my drift, you use a frozen piece of steak and/or TEABAGS, to put around her dented facial tissue.

.

Because I think there's holistic properties that can reduce the pain/swelling, and people shouldn't be staring at someone, especially a young lady, who's been hurt/injured. It's not as much chauvinistic chivalry as it simply wanting, in a non-utilitarian fashion, to help another human being feel better using applied nursing skills and some TLC, friend. We can love one another, right now :)

Peace, brethren.

[Krendeli]

Stop posting when you're stoned.

[Stanley Burrell]

Stop posting when you're stoned.

O.K. I've been following that MO thus far, sadly enough.

Some people just don't get humor.

[iJin]

sucks.

[Stanley Burrell]

What goes,

"99 *tap* 99 *tap* 99 *tap* 99 *tap*" ..?








































A CENTIPEDE WITH A WOODEN LEG.

/winzthread

[Drakam]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Latrinsorm]

Scenario: Willie is black.
1957 - Willie is murdered in the streets of Montgomery. One of the murderers confesses 20 years later, but no one is ever convicted for the crime.
2007 - Willie is almost treated like a human being.

OH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Asha]

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin.
Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood.
However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

[diethx]

That was supposed to be funny? Am I missing some inside joke? :x

[Asha]

Nah not really. Just thought I'd bump this seeing as I haven't had a good laugh for ages from here, and couldn't think of a joke worth telling.

[Stanley Burrell]

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

[Nieninque]

What's the difference between Drayal/Ash/Nevermind/(remind me of the others Sean?)/etc. and a bucket of shit?




The Bucket!

hahahahahahahahaha

[Stanley Burrell]

What's the difference between Drayal/Ash/Nevermind/(remind me of the others Sean?)/etc. and a bucket of shit?




The Bucket!

hahahahahahahahaha

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

[diethx]

lol @ Stan

[Asha]

:lol:

[Nieninque]

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

Fascist

[BigWorm]

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

It would have to be a 50th level spell to work oh her.

BTW, we are huge nerds.

[Nieninque]

It would have to be a 50th level spell to work oh her.

BTW, we are huge nerds.

It must really suck when Stanley is funnier than you.

[Stanley Burrell]

Don't fuck with me, bitch. I'm the mightiest sorcerer in the lands and I will not hesitate to steal yo soul and cast lightning level 1,000,000 Lightning and make your body explode into fine bloody mist. Because you are only a level 2 Druid.

[Nieninque]

Don't overdo it now.

[Dwarven Empath]

What has one horn and gives milk?















A milk truck

[RichardCranium]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[diethx]

ROFL, that's awesome.

[Snapp]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out!'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[diethx]

Haha. Also, lol @ 16 year olds calling taking a piss, "taking a tinkle".

[GSIVPlayer]

classic jobsite joke;

How many mexicans to screw in a light bulb?















Just Juan! lol :asshole:

[Tisket]

This thread shouldn't go a whole month without a joke bump so:

What do you call a Mexican with a fake toe?

Roberto.

/rimshot

[Apathy]

Why do Cubs fans prefer to do it doggystyle?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So both dudes get to watch the game! HIGH FIVE!

[Asha]

What's 14 inches long and makes women scream all night?


Cot death.

[Sean of the Thread]

I don't get it.

[diethx]

He meant crib death.

[Asha]

lol

[Back]

Whats the difference between a wife and a job?

The job still sucks.

[Solkern]

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?




















Father's day

[Tolwynn]

Did you hear about the kid in Arkansas who slept with his teacher?

They made him quit homeschooling after that.

[Snapp]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time
to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a
grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled,
'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted.
'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled,
'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,
'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[Stanley Burrell]

When people ask me if I made that up, I'm gonna have to say, "Nah I just heard someone tell it a while back." :embarrassed:

[The Ponzzz]

(Disclaimer: I'm not racist)

Two black kids are riding their bike up the road and get tired, so they get off their bikes and try to hitch hike. Shortly after, an 18 wheel truck drives by and slows down to pick the two kids up.

The guys says, "you guys can hop in the back, just don't touch anything, I'm delivering bowling balls."

So the two kids get in the back, bringing their bikes with them.

Shortly up the road, there is a road block, so the truck driver slows down and the police officer just asks if he could search the back of the truck. Of course the driver says alright and the cop goes back to make sure everything is alright.

Shortly after, the cop runs back to the driver, gun drawn and says, "get out of the truck and keep your hands where I can see 'em!"

The truck driver replies, "Officer, what have I done!?"

The cop cries, "You're transporting nigger eggs, and two already hatched and stole bikes!"

[Back]

The Judge of the proceedings announced to the court assembled, “We find Minnie Mouse guilty of being silly!”

Mickey Mouse could not contain himself. He approached the judge and said, “I didn’t say she was silly. I said she was fucking goofy.”



That actually does not translate well into text

[Keller]

The Judge of the proceedings announced to the court assembled, “We find Minnie Mouse guilty of being silly!”

Mickey Mouse could not contain himself. He approached the judge and said, “I didn’t say she was silly. I said she was fucking goofy.”



That actually does not translate well into text

Mickey and Minnie were getting a divorce. After considering Mickey's stated grounds, the judge called Mickey into his chamber before announcing his decision. Frankly annoyed with Mickey, the judge explained, "Mickey, you can't get a divorce just because Minnie has been acting a little silly."

Mickey, quick to correct him, exclaimed, "Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Skeeter]

This is the first joke in this thread I haven't heard before.

:ultimate:


(Disclaimer: I'm not racist)

Two black kids are riding their bike up the road and get tired, so they get off their bikes and try to hitch hike. Shortly after, an 18 wheel truck drives by and slows down to pick the two kids up.

The guys says, "you guys can hop in the back, just don't touch anything, I'm delivering bowling balls."

So the two kids get in the back, bringing their bikes with them.

Shortly up the road, there is a road block, so the truck driver slows down and the police officer just asks if he could search the back of the truck. Of course the driver says alright and the cop goes back to make sure everything is alright.

Shortly after, the cop runs back to the driver, gun drawn and says, "get out of the truck and keep your hands where I can see 'em!"

The truck driver replies, "Officer, what have I done!?"

The cop cries, "You're transporting nigger eggs, and two already hatched and stole bikes!"

[The Ponzzz]

I got a real funny one I tell in person, but it won't translate at all to text.

[Stanley Burrell]

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two -- One to screw it in. And one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

[Daniel]

(Disclaimer: I'm not racist)

Two black kids are riding their bike up the road and get tired, so they get off their bikes and try to hitch hike. Shortly after, an 18 wheel truck drives by and slows down to pick the two kids up.

The guys says, "you guys can hop in the back, just don't touch anything, I'm delivering bowling balls."

So the two kids get in the back, bringing their bikes with them.

Shortly up the road, there is a road block, so the truck driver slows down and the police officer just asks if he could search the back of the truck. Of course the driver says alright and the cop goes back to make sure everything is alright.

Shortly after, the cop runs back to the driver, gun drawn and says, "get out of the truck and keep your hands where I can see 'em!"

The truck driver replies, "Officer, what have I done!?"

The cop cries, "You're transporting nigger eggs, and two already hatched and stole bikes!"

roflll1!!!

[TheRunt]

When a white baby dies what happens?
The go to heaven
And what do they get?
Wings
And they become?
Angels
When a black baby dies where do they go?
Heaven
What do they get?
Wings
And they become?











Bats

[TheRunt]

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden a streaker comes running by. The one nun jumps up and runs off screaming. The other just sits there and watches. An then yell Excuse me, My son would you come here for a moment? The streaker thinking to himself goes A kinky nun? Who would of thought? So he goes strolling up to her. The nun looks up at him and asks may I hold your right testicle please? The streaker say Of course sister anything you want. So the nun starts fondling his right testicle and then asks. Could I hold your left testicle please? By this time the streaker is getting very excited and tells the nun. I'd love it if you would. So the nun reaches out with her other hand and starts fondling it also.
Then she looks up into his eyes and says Bad boy bad boy don't you ever do this again and starts clapping her hands.

Its works much better outloud

[Winter's Kiss]

There's a priest, a rabbi and a lawyer out fishing on the ocean one day. None realize that they've left the motor running and the boat is now out of gas. One by one they start to notice there are sharks circling them slowly.

The Priest begins to pray to god to help them.
The Rabbi does the same.
The lawyer shrugs and throws his business card in the water and to the other two's amazement the sharks push the boat back to shore.

The two men get out and turn to the lawyer and the Priest asks, "My son, you are surely blessed by god, how did you do that?"

The lawyer shrugs again and says, "Professional courtesy.."

[Izzy]

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden a streaker comes running by. The one nun jumps up and runs off screaming. The other just sits there and watches. An then yell Excuse me, My son would you come here for a moment? The streaker thinking to himself goes A kinky nun? Who would of thought? So he goes strolling up to her. The nun looks up at him and asks may I hold your right testicle please? The streaker say Of course sister anything you want. So the nun starts fondling his right testicle and then asks. Could I hold your left testicle please? By this time the streaker is getting very excited and tells the nun. I'd love it if you would. So the nun reaches out with her other hand and starts fondling it also.
Then she looks up into his eyes and says Bad boy bad boy don't you ever do this again and starts clapping her hands.

Its works much better outloud

Maybe a brush up on basic English grammar/formatting rules would help too.

[NocturnalRob]

Maybe a brush up on basic English grammar/formatting rules would help too.

probably, but it's just not a funny joke

[Asha]

Thai guy had a bar on the beach then the tsunami arrived, destroyed his bar and swept all his clients away.



He has since rebuilt the bar and his customers are gradually drifting back in.

[Apathy]

Two bullets got married and had a bb.

Have you heard the cookie joke? You probably don't want to its crumby.

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[The Ponzzz]

Haha my 9 year old brother (when he was 9) told me those ones. There was one more to the set! I can't remember it because they were FUCKING STUPID!

[Apathy]

I stared at that post for a good 5 minutes trying to remember another one but it escaped me :(.

I recruited help.

Why couldn't the ghost have a baby? He had a halloweenie.

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?

Why did the idiots hair smell bad? He threw out all his shampoo and used the real thing!

[The Ponzzz]

Haha stop!

[Poppatrunk]

Three guys walk to into a bar, a white guy, a black guy and a mexican. The white guy orders a shot, slams it and and then runs and jumps out the window.

The black and mexican guys look at each "what the fuck that's two stories he's going to die!"

The white guy strolls back into the bar sits down and orders another shot and offers it to the black guy. "it's easy just drink this and jump out the window..."***splat*** The black guy dies instantly

the mexican looks at the white guy and says "what the fuck that guy just died! what did you do that for?" white guy says "look, he did it wrong, it's easy.." "watch" white guy orders another shot runs and jumps out the window and a few seconds later walks back in, no worse for the wear and sits down. "see?" "Now you try.."

The Mexican takes the shot, run and jumps out the window and ***splat***.

The bartender looks at the white guy and says "Superman you have to stop doing that! "
________
Rhode Island Marijuana Dispensary (http://rhodeisland.dispensaries.org/)

[NocturnalRob]

Shortest book ever written:

Negroes I Met While Yachting

[RichardCranium]

Shortest book ever written:

Negroes I Met While Yachting

I LOL'd.

[Sean of the Thread]

Three letter joke:

OSU

[BriarFox]

Three letter joke:

OSU

?

[Sean of the Thread]

I wouldn't expect a OSU fan to get it.

[Snapp]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Skeeter]

Three letter joke:

OSU

That the best you got? I submit this for your approval.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h281/NC_Tigah/Florida/JortsIllustrated.jpg

[Khariz]

> Never Argue with a Woman
>
> One morning the husband returns after several hours
> of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
> with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
> motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
>
> Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
> alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.
> What are you doing?'
>
> 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking,
> 'Isn't it obvious?') 'You're in a
> Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
>
>
> 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.
> I'm reading,' she replies. To which he replies,
> 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
> could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and
> write you up.'
>
> 'For reading a book?,' she replies.
> 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he
> informs her again.
> 'I'm sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I
> am reading,' she replies, again.
> Again he says, 'Yes, but you have all the
> equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
> I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
>
>
> 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
> Sexual assault,' says the woman.
>
>
> 'But I haven't even touched you,' says
> the game warden.
>
> And she replies, 'That's true, but you have
> all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
> moment.'
>
>
> 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
>

[RichardCranium]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'

[NocturnalRob]

what are condoms?

[Audriana]

It's better when you add the scottish accent to it, but...

A Scottish man visits his son in American and attends his first baseball game. When he gets back to his home town he goes to his pub and tells all of his friends the story...

"In America, there is this amazing game called baseball. How it's played is a great hulk of a man walks up to a plate with a great splint-a wood in his `and. Another hulk of a man called a 'pitcher' hurls a ball at `em! 'E hits the ball wit` the wood an everybody gets up and screams, 'Run ya bastard! RUN!'. So `e runs fer a bit an than he stops.

"So another great man steps up to the plate with a great split-a wood in es `and. An tha pitcher hurls a ball at `em! 'E hits the ball wit` the split-a wood an everybody gets up and screams, 'Run ya bastard! RUN!'. So `e runs fer a bit an than he stops too.

"A third great man steps up ta tha plate with a great split-a wood in es `and. An tha pitcher hurls a ball at `em! But `e jest stans thar, doesn't do anyfin! Four times he lobs the ball, an four times `e jest stans thar! After tha fourth time `e just tosses is wood away and `e starts a walkin!
So I get up and scream, "Run, ya bastard! RUN!"
Mah son turns ta me an says, "Nah father, `e don't gotta run. `e got four balls!"
I say, "FOUR BALLS!" and yell at tha fella, "Walk with PRIDE laddy! Walk with PRIDE!"

[diethx]

what are condoms?

lol

[RichardCranium]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there,
each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to
start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[MotleyCrew]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."



The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[NocturnalRob]

edit: damnit, V...

[CrystalTears]

Way to steal Allereli's thunder with her joke from another thread.

[Some Rogue]

:loser:

[NocturnalRob]

Way to steal Allereli's thunder with her joke from another thread.

where?!

edit: nevermind, found it. that thread sucks ass anyway.

[NocturnalRob]

:loser:

i'm pretty positive i fucking hate you. you're like the obnoxious little brother that everyone tolerates because they have to.

[Some Rogue]

i'm pretty positive i fucking hate you. you're like the obnoxious little brother that everyone tolerates because they have to.
QQ

[Allereli]

Way to steal Allereli's thunder with her joke from another thread.

it's okay, I can think of ways for him to make it up to me

[nub]

There are two alligators taking a bath together.

One alligator says to the other "hey you mind passing me the soap?"

The other replies "what do you think I am, a radio?"

[nub]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

[Moist Happenings]

This is the only joke in my repertoire that I can tell in polite company. Also it's one of my favorites.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Bartender asks him what he wants. The duck says, "Got any grapes?". The bartender politely replies that they don't serve grapes, so the duck leaves.

He comes back the next night, and the bartender asks him what he wants. "Got any grapes?". The bartender is becoming slightly annoyed and states, "No, I told you last night we don't serve grapes.". The duck leaves.

Duck comes back the next night, goes up to the bartender. "Got any grapes?". Now angry, the bartender replies, "No! And if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!". The duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next night, walks up to the bar. The bartender asks him what he wants.

"Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any grapes?"

[Allereli]

This is the only joke in my repertoire that I can tell in polite company. Also it's one of my favorites.

This is not polite company. We want the dirty ones.

[CrystalTears]

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow Sir.'

[NocturnalRob]

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

hahahaha

[Moist Happenings]

This is not polite company. We want the dirty ones.


Fffffine.

A horse and a chicken are playing outside of the barn. The horse falls in quicksand and says "quick chicken, go in the barn and get the Harley Davidson and pull me out."
Surly enough the chicken got the bike and attached a rope to the end and threw the other end to the horse, revved the engine , and pulled out the horse.
Moments later, the chicken fell into the quicksand.
The horse (too big for the bike) dangled his dick in front of the chicken and said "quick grab my dick and i will pull you out!"
It worked, the horse and the chicken were overjoyed with this accomplishment and they lived happily ever after

What is the moral in this story?
"If your hung like a horse, you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks."

[NocturnalRob]

What is the moral in this story?
"If your hung like a horse, you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks."

funny joke.

i would also posit that any girl who fucks you because you own a harley is not a girl you need getting near your dick. unless you want it to fall off.

[Skeeter]

After 20 years of marriage and sex in the dark a woman finds out that her husband has been using a dildo on her the entire time. Agitated she confronts her husband.

"Explain the dildo, motherfucker!"

He replies

"Explain the kids, bitch!"

[Sean of the Thread]

After 20 years of marriage and sex in the dark a woman finds out that her husband has been using a dildo on her the entire time. Agitated she confronts her husband.

"Explain the dildo, motherfucker!"

He replies

"Explain the kids, bitch!"

Pwnt

[NocturnalRob]

After 20 years of marriage and sex in the dark a woman finds out that her husband has been using a dildo on her the entire time. Agitated she confronts her husband.

"Explain the dildo, motherfucker!"

He replies

"Explain the kids, bitch!"

i fucked her

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

Political Joke.. though I guess you could switch out the party of your choice.

----

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' McCain '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

[NocturnalRob]

Political Joke.. though I guess you could switch out the party of your choice.

----

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' McCain '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

i wouldn't worry about it. if the person supports McCain, he can afford to pay all the tickets.

either that, or he knows someone who can just "take care of them."

[Cephalopod]

Coworker told me this today. I chuckled:



Finally, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing Machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog’s tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine.”
“Really?” the Israelis replied. “We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!”


Replace Arabs and Israelis with whatever.

[Keller]

Read this on another forum:

"What do Phish fans say when they run out of drugs?


Wow, this music really sucks."
- Former Phish fan

[Stretch]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

<cue groan>

A vampire walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender for a pint of blood. Terrified, the bartender shakily replies that they don't serve blood.

The vampire thinks for a minute, and then asks for a cup of hot water.

Relieved, the bartender asks if all vampires can get by on just hot water.

The vampire looks at him like he's crazy, and says, "We live off of blood. I'm just making tea."

...and pulls out a used tampon.

[BigWorm]

Phish phans are Grateful Dead fans that can't afford the drugs so they just spin around to get high.

[RichardCranium]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, “Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of One with the tip of my finger.”
St Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water And pass through the gate.”

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Meg have you ever Had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says “Amy! What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her ass in it.”

[Sean of the Thread]

hahahah

That one I will tell again. Bravo.

[Jahira]

So I was just e-mailed this joke by my grandmother. Thank you grandma

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cac tus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[diethx]

haha, cute.

[Sean of the Thread]

European soldier.

[Celephais]

Three old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

(One of my aunts just had a stroke, she was fine... and in the family email they're telling stroke jokes now).

[Tisket]

Three old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

Wanton old lady jokes are always good for a laugh. I hope to be a wanton old lady myself one day.

[MotleyCrew]

In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux:

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.

Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "

I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.

Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"


"Now what da hell would you say?!"

[Kuyuk]

haha

[MotleyCrew]

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

[MotleyCrew]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.....


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

[diethx]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.....


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

LOL, that was really amusing.

[grenthor]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts - something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it he turned and asked her 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

[Wesley]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES.....


Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Very funny. Reminds me of this webcomic Sinfest. They have a cat and dog segment interspersed that's really funny. Check it out sometime. www.sinfest.net

[MotleyCrew]

Very funny. Reminds me of this webcomic Sinfest. They have a cat and dog segment interspersed that's really funny. Check it out sometime. www.sinfest.net

I just KNOW you know what a dinosaur writes in their diary..and have a picture of it too! :yes:

[Wesley]

I just KNOW you know what a dinosaur writes in their diary..and have a picture of it too! :yes:

:). See I know where you're going with that, but it's too easy just to copy and paste (not that my other works are much more), so here you go!

http://i726.photobucket.com/albums/ww264/Wesley1337/Diary.jpg

[CrystalTears]

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In honor of all the faces buried there.

A moment of silence, please...

[NocturnalRob]

who's interested in women who wear panties?

[Nieninque]

Marriage Counselling Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[Back]

I’m horrible at jokes. But nien’s reminded me of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrTBlV-FGbc

[Tisket]

It's the 1940s, and Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and his girlfriend Marie are walking through the fields in southern France. They sit down for a romantic picnic.

Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine, opens it with flourish, splashes it all over Marie's lips and begins to kiss her.

Marie pulls away. "Pierre! What are you doing!"
Pierre says, "I am Pierre, ze French Figher Pilot! And when I have red meat, I must have red wine!"
Ooh la la, they keep kissing. Things start to get hot and heavy.

Pierre reaches into his bag, grabs a bottle of white wine. He rips open Marie's blouse and splashes white wine all over her chest.
"Pierre!!" shrieks Marie. "What are you doing?!"
"I am Pierre!" he replies. "And when I have white meat, I always have white wine!" he replies gruffly.
Ooh la la. Things are really getting steamy on the picnic blanket.

Suddenly, Pierre pulls away. He rips off Marie's skirt. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a bottle of brandy. He douses Marie in brandy and lights the pool of alcohol on fire.
"PIERRE! WHAT ZE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" screams Marie.

"I am Pierre!! Ze French Fighter Pilot!! And when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"

[LeDru]

A guy walks into a bar and asks 'Bartender give me the strongest thing you have'
The bartender replies 'I'm sorry I can't do that. The last time I did some really bad things happened.'
The fellow says 'Look I just lost my job, I don't know when I'll get another chance to have one so I want the strongest'
Feeling sorry for the fellow, the bartender hands him a drink. The fellow downs it and walks out of the bar.
Three days later the guy walks back into the bar. Seeing him, the bartender asks him how the drink was.
The fellow replies 'It was horrible, I drank it and it didn't really hit me till I got home. I blew chunks and passed out.'
The bartender says 'That's all, that's not so bad.'
The guy shakily responds 'You don't understand.....Chunks is my dog.'

[Proxy]

Not sure if this ones been posted & I'm not going to check.

Three guys are wandering around the desert. An American, a Jew, and a Muslim. When they stumble on a lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and while dusting it off a Genie pops out.

The Genie says to the three guys, "I am the Genie of the Lamp, and I will grant each of you one wish." Then turn to the Muslim first and asks, "What is it you wish for?"

The Muslim replies, "I wish for a wall to surround Palestine, Iraq, Iran, and all other nations of my people so the infidels will no longer be able to defile our lands."

The Genie nods to the Muslim and say, "It is done." Then turns to the Jew and asks him the same question.

The Jew responds to the Genie, "Oh Genie of the Lamp, make all the lands of Israel fertile, from the lowest valley to the highest peak, and all its waters teaming with fish!"

The Genie blinks for a second then nods to the Jew and tells him that his wish has been granted. Then turns to the American and asks, "So now we are to you, what is it that you would wish for?"

The American rubs his chin for a moment then looking back at the Genie asks a question. "Tell me about this wall, the one you created for the Muslim."

The Genie says, "It is the greatest wall ever made, 3,000 feet high, 500 feet thick. Impervious to all you know and none can enter nor leave the lands it surrounds." Both the Genie, and Muslim crossing their arms nod with pride.

The American nods to both, then says to the Genie while grinning ear to ear, "Fill it with water."

[Back]

"I am Pierre!! Ze French Fighter Pilot!! And when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"

Cute.

[Atlanteax]

The American rubs his chin for a moment then looking back at the Genie asks a question. "Tell me about this wall, the one you created for the Muslim."

The Genie says, "It is the greatest wall ever made, 3,000 feet high, 500 feet thick. Impervious to all you know and none can enter nor leave the lands it surrounds." Both the Genie, and Muslim crossing their arms nod with pride.

The American nods to both, then says to the Genie while grinning ear to ear, "Fill it with water."

If only...

[Proxy]

:)

[Atlanteax]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

**************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

**************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

**************************************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy ****. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the

window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

**************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

**************************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

**************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

**************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

**************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

**************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

**************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

**************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

[Clove]

$50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some
day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and
do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[TheRunt]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,

witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens

aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.

Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine

months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Barack Obama

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J.. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.

[BriarFox]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,

witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens

aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.

Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine

months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Barack Obama

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J.. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! Now You Know.

That'd be funny if it were stupid as hell. Those people's birthdays are nowhere near then.

[waywardgs]

That'd be funny if it were stupid as hell. Those people's birthdays are nowhere near then.

It's the "half-breed" trope, alive and well. Born of fear, regurgitated by the unimaginative. Questioning the "purity" of someone you don't like is really very 1930's.

[Beguiler]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

.................................................. .................


THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:














Democrat's Answer :

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

.................................................. ................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

.................................................. .......................

Texan's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG !

Click...... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!

Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[MotleyCrew]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there,' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....







'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Killer Kitten]

A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men, philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They
represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including
one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus.

Our traveler was astonished when, in a sudden mountain
shower, all of the participants in this conclave were
drenched, except the asparagus- eater. The rain simply
avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed.

"That's incredible," said the traveler.

"Not at all," said his native guide. "Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus."

[BriarFox]

I'm sure there's a joke in the accent there or something ... but I don't get it.

[Tolwynn]

Think 'This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius,' and then you'll be in the general area.

[Celephais]

It's a lot like this one... and it's terrible

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Vyst]

,

[Beguiler]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.....

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Mabus]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

[Kyra231]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car .''

[Asha]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Kuyuk]

lol

[Asha]

First time in ages I laughed out loud when typing lol too.

[MotleyCrew]

I'm still laughing! And I can't rep you, but know that I wanna... :)

[Jayvn]

I wanted to tell that joke at work so bad today... but I didn't wanna get fired..I was laughing randomly

[Rolton-Sammich]

I want to read more of these jokes... but the thread title makes my brain vomit bile out my eyes.

[MotleyCrew]

The Italian says, 'When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I
go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above
a da bed in ecstasy..

'The Frenchman replies. 'Zat is nutting. When Ah've
finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body,
and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12
inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy

'The Newfie (insert Hillbillie for the Americans) says, 'That ain't nothing.
When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the
winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the fucking ceiling.'

[MotleyCrew]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN.'"


2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


6. She is not a "TWO- BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."

[MotleyCrew]

The Lady in the Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the Congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Preacher's' expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[Stanley Burrell]

Ah yes, I once visited a crematorium that offered discounts for burn victims.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

</Ink Spots - I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire>

[Khariz]

A woman(Nancy) in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man (John) in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat!" "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Asha]

How did the Puerto Rican woman know that her daughter was having her period?

She could taste the blood on her son's cock.

[Nieninque]

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the road. THe priest says "Let's screw that little boy". The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

[Cap'nDrak]

Shoot me... someone had to do this joke....

Jesus and Moses were sitting by the edge of the Red Sea.

Jesus: Moses, I've got to say, I'm impressed with your conviction and love for your people. You stood with them through all their trials and tribulations.

Moses: Well thank you Jesus. If it were not for your father, I would have been lost though. Which reminded me... I really have to say I respect you for all that you did. Dying for your people and such.... really great thing you did.

Jesus: Well thank you very much. Hey, between the two of us... I really wanna see that whole parting the Red Sea bit. Think you can show me?

Moses: Sure! It's easy, watch!

Moses slaps the surface of the Red Sea with his walking staff and the Red Sea parts!

Jesus: Well I'll be....

Moses: So now that, that is done, you have to show me that whole deal about walking on water. That much be something special.

Jesus: Well sure! It's easy, just you watch.

Jesus walks up to the edge of the Red Sea. He lifts his foot over the water, takes a step and *SPLASH!* Falls right in.

He drags himself out, pulls his hair off his face.

"Ok, Ok, I got it now. Just a little rusty!"

He walks up to the edge, and *SPLASH!* falls in again.

He hops back up onto the bank looks at Moses and says, "Now I remember! Ever since I got those holes in my feet I can't walk on water anymore!"

[Sean of the Thread]

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the road. THe priest says "Let's screw that little boy". The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

rofl

Seriously went there? That a girl.


Waiting for the stanley bitching...

[AnticorRifling]

From an email I got from my mother:

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly,
the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this
story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions,
and reads, on front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

[Jayvn]

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."


A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.


Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

[Kuyuk]

lol @ beervagina

[Nieninque]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar talking about patron saints days. The Englishman explained how his son was born on St George's day and so he named him George.

"That's a co-incidence," said the Scotsman, "My son was born on St Andrew's day, so we called him Andrew.

"No way!" said the Irishman. "That's exactly what happened with my son, Pancake"

[Celephais]

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?









































I can't jelly it in your ass.

[NocturnalRob]

jesus, dude. if you're gonna tell the jam/jelly joke, at least tell it correctly.

it's "i can't jelly my cock down your throat."

you fail, sir. you fail hard.

[Ignot]

hmmm...are you sure it's not "I can't jam doughnut your face?"

[Nieninque]

I thought it was you cant peanut butter your dick up someone's ass

[NocturnalRob]

that's the british version

[Asha]

I wonder what Josef Fritzl will be getting for Father's Day?

Bet its not a fucking blowjob this year.

[Stanley Burrell]

My life.

[Allereli]

Where did the general keep his armies?













In his sleevies!

[Dwarven Empath]

What were Michael Jackson's last words?










Please.

Take me to the childrens hospital!

[Anebriated]

Have you guys heard that Rihanna's dating some Mets players? Apparently she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

[Celephais]

Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[Kuyuk]

hahah

[Kuyuk]

(red) HEHE joke thread HAHA 11-19-2009 12:09 PM Don't just LOL in the jokethread, FUCKING POST A JOKE!


:(


What's the definition of necrophilia?

Cracking open a cold one!

[Archigeek]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'nique up on it.

How do you catch a tame one?

Tame way.

[Celephais]

Damnit man... good jokes, not that shit



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Celephais]

(supposedly) actual conversation with air traffic control

STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."

STL approach: "American 2451, you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 2451 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."

-Radio silence-

Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

[Mighty Nikkisaurus]

hahaha, awesome.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a styrofoam cup?



Dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

[Kithus]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.


'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! ??Why did you do that?'


'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'


And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'



Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

[Atlanteax]

My brother passed this one on to me, in light of the bad winter weather that Michigan had not too long ago:

I fell on the ice today.
When I got up, my keys, wallet, and cell phone were gone.
It must had been black ice.