Need Help

[TRK837]

The merchant chewed up my design and threw it back at me. I knew there we some verb issues but I was hoping to get some feed back and make the needed corrections. This is my first alter so bare with me.

Spiked Assassins Armor:

You notice the matte black spiked assassins armor. It is obvious this armor was designed for stealth as the rolaren studded leather is pleated around the joints for improved mobility and is padded with black suede where the armor contacts itself to to prevent even the slightest muffle. The shoulder guards are made from sinister looking Krolvin skulls each adorned with three razor sharp rolaren spikes. The forearms and shins are further protected by overlapping segmented rolaren plates. You also notice a stylized sword engraved over the left breast of the armor


Would like to keep this theme but I'm open for suggestions.



Merchants :hammer:

[Deathravin]

Assassin screams silence, covert, underground... blending into the background as well as blending into a crowd, and not looking visibly dangerous...

You want to be able to sneak in the shadows, and when no hiding is available to be able to be overlooked by any passers-by.


Not skulls, spikes, battle armor. Change that 'Assassin' to 'warlord' or 'chieftain' or 'overlord' and you'll be good.

Just remember the movie Troy. When Achiles walks out onto the field, he isn't wearing anything special; no spikes, no skulls of the men he's killed... Think about Kill Bill - Beatrix wasn't dripping in blood the whole time. She looked normal - That's an assassin.


Also think about how it will be presented:

SoandSo shows you some spiked assassins armor.
you notice the matte black....

It should be:

SoandSo shows you some black assassins armor.
The matte black armor seems to be nothing special, something any farmer might wear in an attempt at a courtly life. However, upon closer inspection you notice it is pleated around the joints for improved mobility and around the rolaren plates there is padding of black suede to prevent the slightest whisper of movement. The forearms and shins are further protected by overlapping segmented rolaren plates. A stylized sword is engraved over the left breast.

(Why can I do that kind of thing for somebody else, but not for myself?)

[B2]

I’m assuming this is studded leather. I forget what color rolaren is, so I’m going to dye it black. I’m also going to omit the rolaren plates on the limbs, since it’s scale armor. Ain’t got no metal plates. Unless I’m misunderstanding my armor classes? Also, there isn’t going to be a sword engraved on the armor, since it’s leather armor. You can tool leather, you can emboss leather, you can burn leather…you can’t engrave leather.

Those are the issues that I saw with it.

Possible shorts:
A set of black rolaren-spiked leathers
Some sleek ebon studded leather armor
A set of stiff black studded leather

Possible show:
The matte finish on the black rolaren rivets allows them to secure the ebon-hued studded leather without attracting visual attention while black suede pads the scales where they overlap, preventing any sound from friction. Smaller suede-muffled scales congregate at the joints, allowing for freedom of motion while maintaining silence. A Krolvin skull caps either shoulder, sharp rolaren spikes jutting menacingly from each eye socket. Tooled over the left breast is a stylized sword.

[Nilandia]

I'll have to agree, putting spikes and skulls on assassin's armor just doesn't make sense. You want to avoid being noticed, not poke yourself in the ear whenever you turn your head.

Based on the design you offered, I'd imagine something such as a matte black,suit of sueded,leathers: Suede's slightly rough textures and deep ink-like hues create a suit of armor ideal for stealth. Numerous rolaren studs reinforce the seams and joints, their etched surfaces preventing any glint of light from betraying the wearer's position in the shadows. Wrapped in scored ebon leather, laminated rolaren plates overlap at the shins and forearms to offer further protection while deadening any sound.

Just a quick idea thrown together, though. Feel free to tear apart as you see fit.

Gretchen

[The Ponzzz]

Real assassins wear robes.

[Deathravin]

What ever happened to that thing about letting us choose what or what not to show in our inventory? Did that ever come to pass?

[Bobmuhthol]

When was that ever planned?

Edit: If you're talking about layered clothing, that went absolutely nowhere and they finally admitted that they're nowhere near competent enough to code it.

[Sean of the Thread]

I can't take credit for this but my first advice would be don't take alteration advice from someone with a character named Deathravin Ravinblood for fucks sake.

[Asha]

Rofl.

[Silent_Willy]

When was that ever planned?

Edit: If you're talking about layered clothing, that went absolutely nowhere and they finally admitted that they're nowhere near competent enough to code it.

Who expected anything different?

[Sean of the Thread]

Silent Willy's avatar = jamus

[Martaigne]

My first idea would be to take the 'profession' out of the item description completely. That's so AOL-era. [/elitist]

[ElanthianSiren]

Spiked Assassins Armor:

You notice the matte black spiked assassins armor. It is obvious this armor was designed for stealth as the rolaren studded leather is pleated around the joints for improved mobility and is padded with black suede where the armor contacts itself to to prevent even the slightest muffle. The shoulder guards are made from sinister looking Krolvin skulls each adorned with three razor sharp rolaren spikes. The forearms and shins are further protected by overlapping segmented rolaren plates. You also notice a stylized sword engraved over the left breast of the armor

ohhkay. There have been some really great suggestions, but I wanted to throw in my thoughts because there was a time... (yeah whatever on with it)

1. You want to take out subjugation as much as possible: would krolvin skulls be sinister looking to a psychotic zelian? If you MUST have the skulls, try describing them. What makes them so sinister?
2. I like to remove are is was and so on as much as possible from my alterations. These are passive words. We want active words to give the item character and depth.
3. It is obvious.... why is it obvious? How? Avoid telling a reader how to feel. I know GMs have violated this idea in the past (often), but it's poor literary technique to tell too much. If you must tell, support it with reasons from the item that support what you're saying as true.

Anyway, this is what I came up with. Obviously you can combine it or trunicate it at will:

some sleek matte-black armor
some scaled black armor
some scaled matte-black leathers

When you show, this is the message that will happen

So and so shows you (some kinda leathers leathers)
Pitch-black pads of refined suede cushion sleek rolaren scales at their contact points, preventing even the slightest muffle, while generous pleating around every joint ensures supple mobility. Creating faux munnions, the yellowed upper-jaw of a long-defeated Krolvin snarls from each shoulder, its battle-worn skull crested by a trio of glinting rolaren spikes. Emblazoned over the left breast, a stylized sword scrutinizes thick segmented jambes of overlapping rolaren that further protect forearms and shins from the perils of combat.

[Stanley Burrell]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f0/RyuHayabusa.jpg/300px-RyuHayabusa.jpg

[TRK837]

Thanks for all the advice I'm going to give the alter another shot