Amber
05-06-2007, 03:23 AM
About two years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had the tumor removed, and after undergoing almost a year of chemotherapy followed by radiation therapy, was thought to be cancer-free. This past week, she discovered it had returned and spread to her lung and the bones of her chest. She's going to have chemotherapy again, but her dr. says that all it will do will be slow down the progression; it's too far advanced for a cure. She's not expected to live more than a year.
I feel so overwhelmingly bereft. I guess I had always thought there would be more time. We were going to go to Australia in a couple years together, as she's always wanted to go, but now it's not going to happen. She always wanted a huge front porch with a porch swing. She just had the porch finished and was comissioning a swing, but now she's selling her house instead. A damned porch swing is such a little thing to want all your life and never get to have. Life is so unfair. I'd give anything if I could only go back and give her her porch swing years ago.
I keep picturing her, sitting alone and being scared and in pain. I'm 1800 miles away and telephone calls just don't quite cut it. I'm in the midst of making arrangements to move back home to be with her, but I feel so guilty for not being there now. I know I'm heartbroken and in agony and she's got to be feeling so much worse.
To top it all off, my uncle died of a heart attack the end of March and his wife, who'd been in hospice care for ages, died the day of his funeral. My mom's been so depressed over their passing, busy with funeral planning and trying to get my uncle's estate settled, and now this on top of everything else. It's just not fair. She deserves a break!
I look back at my life and all the times I took my mom for granted. I wish I could redo so many things. The times I was late getting her a present, the teenage backtalk, not realizing she was a person, not just a mother, with dreams, hopes, and needs of her own.
That's all. Just wanted a place to vent.
I feel so overwhelmingly bereft. I guess I had always thought there would be more time. We were going to go to Australia in a couple years together, as she's always wanted to go, but now it's not going to happen. She always wanted a huge front porch with a porch swing. She just had the porch finished and was comissioning a swing, but now she's selling her house instead. A damned porch swing is such a little thing to want all your life and never get to have. Life is so unfair. I'd give anything if I could only go back and give her her porch swing years ago.
I keep picturing her, sitting alone and being scared and in pain. I'm 1800 miles away and telephone calls just don't quite cut it. I'm in the midst of making arrangements to move back home to be with her, but I feel so guilty for not being there now. I know I'm heartbroken and in agony and she's got to be feeling so much worse.
To top it all off, my uncle died of a heart attack the end of March and his wife, who'd been in hospice care for ages, died the day of his funeral. My mom's been so depressed over their passing, busy with funeral planning and trying to get my uncle's estate settled, and now this on top of everything else. It's just not fair. She deserves a break!
I look back at my life and all the times I took my mom for granted. I wish I could redo so many things. The times I was late getting her a present, the teenage backtalk, not realizing she was a person, not just a mother, with dreams, hopes, and needs of her own.
That's all. Just wanted a place to vent.