Shit

[Doyle Hargraves]

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.


Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!


Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.


Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.


Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.


Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. This usually happens at work, or in public.


King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.


Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.


Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!


Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.


Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.


Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.


Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.


Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.


The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in


The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.


The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.


The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.


The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.


The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.


The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.


The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.


The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.


The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.


Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.


The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.


Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!


The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.


Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

[Davenshire]

There is something to be said about toilet humor, these had me laughing so hard. and honestly, I never once said, "wow, that happened to me!" not once I say!

[TheEschaton]

In the Peace Corps, these all happen to you. Regularly.

-TheE-

[zhelas]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the work poop is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 1999 survival guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...

Escapee: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. A sudden wave of panic/embarrassment usually accompanies this. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee): When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machineguns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
Walk of Shame: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a courtesy flush.
Out of the Closet Pooper: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
The Pooping Friends Network (PFN): A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify safe havens.
Safe Haven: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglar: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a watermelon or to alert potential turd burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.
Astaire: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-cough.
Havana Omelet: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a Camo-cough with an Astaire.
Uncle Ted: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a frequent flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[Gan]

:lol:

Zhelas FTW. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

[Methais]

I never once said, "wow, that happened to me!" not once I say!

I think everything on both lists has happened to me. Some more frequently than I would like. They forgot one though:

Giving Birth Shit
This usually happens after a hard night of drugs and/or drinking, or sometimes the day after an all you can eat pancake buffet. You feel like you're giving birth out of your ass, and have to heave it out over a number of cycles of breathe and push, similar to when a woman is in labor. You usually break out into a heavy sweat and hotflashes, and you sometimes find yourself praying to God for everything to be ok, even if you're an Athiest. The giving birth shit is sometimes introduced by a series of painful contractions in your midsection.

[Ignot]

Im guilty of the safe haven.