To call or not to call

[Amber]

So my dad and his wife have developed this habit of moving without telling anyone where he's going. The only way I find out they've moved is by getting one of those "This number is no longer in service" recordings when I try to call, or getting a call from one of my brothers asking if I know where dad's gone to now. We'll spend a couple years trying to hunt him down and eventually either find him or he'll call one of us and let us know where he is. We'll talk to him, he'll vow to stay in touch and build up a real relationship, and then in a month or year or so, it'll start all over again. Once, he gave me an address in Las Vegas, but when I went to see him, he wasn't there. A year or so later, I learnt that he'd been in Alabama then. Before I could contact him there, he'd moved to Oklahoma. While he was living in OK, I went to see him while he was in Alabama visiting my aunt and uncle. Had a great two days with him, woke up the morning of the third, and he'd gone, but he called me a couple of times and was still living in Oklahoma so I thought, "OK, this time, he really does plan on staying around a while." He came to see me in Massachusetts, we had a great time. He never mentioned that he'd sold his house in Oklahoma and was moving to Florida. My brother eventually tracked him down in Florida, talked to him once, and then he moved back to Oklahoma. Tracked him down there, I talked to him once, my brothers several times, then he moved to Alabama again, which we found out when he called about a year later.

The last time I called him and got a real person instead of the message that the number wasn't in service, he was living in Oklahoma again. He wasn't home but I spoke with his wife who literally screamed at me, calling me an ungrateful brat and telling me we kids were destroying my dad by not keeping in touch with him. She said that he says that he doesn't know what he did to us so that we ignore him like we do and that she's ashamed of all of us kids. She said that she called me several times before they moved from Florida and had left messages but if she did, she left them on someone else's machine, 'cause I never got any. She also said that he'd been distraught when I was in the hospital but had no way to get in touch with me, but if he knew I was in the hospital, he could have only heard about it from my brothers, both of whom called me while I was there, so he could have gotten the number from them and called if he really cared. Anyways, the phone call ended with her hanging up on me, me in tears, and two days later when I tried calling back, the phone number had been changed.

I know my brothers have both talked to him since, but I haven't and am not sure I want to. He's at my oldest brother's house in Kansas right now, actually. I'm not sure if I want to call and talk to him or not, to be honest. I live about 3 hours from him and have toyed with the idea of going there and confronting him but I figure he'll just move again if I do.

So, what do y'all think? Call or not?

[TheEschaton]

How long is he staying in any given place on average? Certainly doesn't sound like your fault, it sounds like he's running away from something, and uses the fact that he doesn't speak to y'all (something he brought on himself) as an excuse for his distress.

Sometimes, you need to confront people like this - sometimes you need to let people work it out themselves - it depends on the type of person really. If I was acting like your dad, I'd need to work it out myself because I'm a stubborn ass, and a loner, and don't take well to the advice of others - I look at it as being talked down to. If, say, my roommate was doing the same thing, I'd confront her because it would be a big sign saying "Look at me! I want you to talk to me!" or something like that.

-TheE-

[Suppa Hobbit Mage]

You only have one father. Let that be your deciding factor.

[Daniel]

Let it go. You can't change people and being emotionally dependent on someone that doesn't want to reciprocate or even worse is a drain on you is not healthy and will neve rlead anywhere.

[Artha]

Something between Daniel and SHM.

[HarmNone]

If it were me, I'd let him know in very clear terms exactly how you feel about what's gone on in the past. I'd make sure he understood that he has responsibilities just like everyone else does, and it's not right to expect you kids to have to track him down every time he decides to relocate. I'd let him know I care about him, but that I'm not willing to be the scapegoat for his irresponsibility any longer.

It's not healthy to let a relationship like this one drain you dry over years. You have to set things straight once and for all. If you explain how you feel, that gives him the opportunity to change things. If he chooses not to make that effort, then you've got a choice to make. You may choose to continue to live with his irresponsible ways or you may choose to part ways completely. You can't really make that decision until you confront him with what he's doing to you and give him the opportunity to change.

[Tisket]

Dude doesn't sound like a Leave it to Beaver kinda father. Letting him know your feelings won't make him one either.

If it makes you feel better to do so then more power to you. Just realize it's usually a temporary fix. You're hurt isn't going to magically dissipate by venting on him.

If you are thinking long term with him then I'd try to maintain an even temper even if you do decide to let him have it. This isn't a movie where a few well phrased comments from you will make him change his ways. Wish it were that simple.

[Skeeter]

you've got a great career in either porn or stripping ahead of you.

[Methais]

Go to Wal Mart and get a new dad.

[ElanthianSiren]

It's not healthy to let a relationship like this one drain you dry over years. You have to set things straight once and for all. If you explain how you feel, that gives him the opportunity to change things. If he chooses not to make that effort, then you've got a choice to make. You may choose to continue to live with his irresponsible ways or you may choose to part ways completely. You can't really make that decision until you confront him with what he's doing to you and give him the opportunity to change.

Like HN said, call, explain, give ultamatum, wait for him to fulfill or neglect ultimatum. It needn't even be "Stay in touch with us". In fact, the way you present your argument may be the most critical part of this, so I wouldn't advise winging it. Have a concise list of points you want to discuss and be sure to listen to your father's side also. Further, I wouldn't bring up that his wife's a bitch. Lay things out in terms that are emotionless.

Crying has never solved anything really. If you are crying, you need to take a step back and detach yourself from the emotion of the situation because chances are, you're not thinking logically. When we're not thinking logically, we do and say things that we tend to later regret.

-M

[Gan]

Let it go. You can't change people and being emotionally dependent on someone that doesn't want to reciprocate or even worse is a drain on you is not healthy and will neve rlead anywhere.

^^^

Thats got my vote.

Stay in touch with your brothers, that way if he wants to reach you he can. Otherwise you need to put up a buffer between his lifestyle/behavior and you/your family to protect you from the craziness. Your family does not deserve to be effected by it, and I'm guessing you dont either.