Stalled Out v.2

[Leetahkin]

I haven't written in a while, and prefer not to open up the previous 'version' of my journal.

It has been approximately 6 months (maybe a little longer) since I have been on antidepressants. For the past week, I have been telling myself to call my doctor and tell him I want off the meds fully. As a friend of mine put it, the pills could be causing my constant depressive state. I have no energy/determination/motivation to do much. I go to work because I need the money to pay my bills and continue to live how I have been. Weekends are passed by sleeping much of the time, or watching TV. Why do something else when I can retreat to a sleep-state?

Since being on the anti's, I have gained xx amount of weight. I'm disgusted with gaining a lot of the weight back that I worked hard to lose. Being so lethargic and not caring to do anything was a big factor, though.

I had a hard time dealing with current issues - I never learned the coping skills necessary in losing friendships/relationships, etc. I think my starting on the anti's was me trying to find a way in dealing with things. Which is the wrong reason.

I went to therapy sessions for a few months, even switching therapists once. Nothing came out of them, so I let the therapist know I wasn't going to return. The last therapist dealt with assessing and analyzing dreams. A lot of what she said made sense, but some of it also scared the sh*t outta me. One dream she analyzed that it could mean a specific person I cared for was no longer in the living world. We hadn't talked in a while up until then, and we (surprisingly) both searched the other out that night to say 'hi'.


I am coming to the realization that I have an impulse issue with buying things. I have a charge card for a Dept. store, and they sent me a special card for an extra percentage off purchases yesterday and today only. I want to purchase a better set of luggage than the set I used to go to London. The cheap arse luggage nearly broke on the way back, with the way they throw it around. Well, I am not taking a large trip like that again for a while, yet I have the urge to go buy new luggage. I HAVE to have it. Especially since there's 50% off before my savings card.

I don't need it. I don't need to spend $300+ on luggage that who knows when I would use it. It's so hard to make myself realize that I don't need to go spend money like that.

I guess more later, gotta catch up at work.

[CrystalTears]

Guess that second job could really come in handy now.

As for the antidepressants, my husband was on them for a while. He was always depressed but the medication helped it mellow out a bit. That will always be there. I don't know what level of depression you have, but I think you'd be better off them for a while and see how you feel. As long as you have support around you, it will make it a touch easier to deal with.

[Asha]

When you stop taking them the realisation of how numb they rendered you hits home. As long as your doctor knows you're going to stop them.

[Alfster]

Why is it that the majority of people on anti-depressents tell people that don't really care?

[Axhinde]

Why is it that the majority of people on anti-depressents tell people that don't really care?

Because they aren't drinking heavily while taking them. Why do you think they were made? Duh.

[Bobmuhthol]

Unhealthy people (that don't have to be) are really, really fucking annoying.

The end.

[Stanley Burrell]

Some anti-depressants are more weight neutral/weight minus/activators. Depending on the hardcore scale of any psychiatric med (i.e. I went from being 120 to 200 while on Zyprexa for just 5 months) the effects on your appetite, libido, symptom rebound, vision... Etc. can be very intense.

You absolutely have to call your doctor.

I don't know how savvy you are to pharmacology, but you may wish as to discuss the possibility of other classes of psychotropic medications, such as neuroleptics (though not weight neutral, as I mentioned above) being used in congruence with other SSRIs. The treatment of depression using some of the older classes and heavier compounds can be a little bit more hardcore on your system than a lot of the more "regular" and newer classes of SSRIs.

As far as the spending goes, being our healthcare scheme what it is, bare in mind that your mental and physical health is way more important than $300+ dollars worth of items used for carrying luggage.

In the very near future, I am 95% sure that I'll be going back up to a 20mg of Lexapro from my 10mg daily dosage: It (the Lexapro) is not the kind of medication that you feel doped up on and smiling at random plant life. No. That would be, at least in my case, the result of retarded self-medicating without ever contacting a doctor when I should have, as well as thinking that I somehow thought that the faulty thinking of my peers and I were somehow superior to modern medicine.

Lastly, I am against the under usage of any medicinal compounds prescribed to someone by a treating physician as I am their inherent over usage. Even your prescribing doctor will not be able to hold your hand to ensure that you are following through with a treatment plan. You have to follow through with the medical advice of a professional so that you don't continue to dig yourself in the ditch it seems you may have: Ultimately, as silly as this may sound, only you can help yourself.

Lastly-lastly, a doctor is not going to sneakily ambush you with a syringe full of Haldol if you express your concerns to him or her as to why you would like to begin lowering and/or stopping your anti-depressants. It is an INTELLIGENT thing to be able to discuss this idea with your doctor so that if you experience symptoms from the process of shortening your dosages, you have the clinically approved treatment plan of what-to-expect and what to do/not do in case you do have some side-effects from tapering a dosage.

Triply lastly, the symptoms of medication-related side effects listed in the PDR are put there so that the FDA can avoid being sued. I'm not saying that it isn't wise to list these possible side effects in blaring diabolically flame-etched logos whenever the word "Tylenol" appears, but don't fool yourself (hypochondriacally) into a state of mind where you believe that taking/not taking the meds holds responsibility for symptoms you probably are experiencing in slivers of its perceived existence… Or not even at all.

God damn, that was way too much typing.

Stanley Burrell.

[HarmNone]

You might want to look into a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Therapy as opposed to one who analyzes dreams. It also sounds as though you may be on the wrong medication for you. Sometimes, it takes a while to find the right med (or combination of meds) for you, as an individual.

Leaving therapy probably wasn't the best choice; especially, after only a few months. There's no quick fix for many of the issues associated with depression. It takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work to come out the other side of it all with a renewed sense of the joys of life. In my opinion, you haven't given it enough time, nor have you communicated well with your physician.

I don't know if you're seeing a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, or both. I also don't know what medication you're taking or what dosage. Those things are important. Some antidepressives cause weight gain, others don't. Sometimes, it takes more than one medication to actually get things going in the right direction.

Much of this is up to you, hon. A doctor can only do so much, and to even get that you have to have the right doctor, the right medication, and the right motivation. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. We can discuss some alternatives you might want to talk to your doctor about. :)

[Sean]

Honestly, and I'm assuming you'll take this the wrong way, I would have thought by now you'd have learned a lesson or two about putting that much about yourself out there. I suggest you find some other outlet for your issues.

[HarmNone]

I'd agree, Tijay. These boards certainly aren't the place to discuss this type of problem. No good can come of it.

[Brattt8525]

I am assuming <correct me if I am wrong> that you are once again looking for sympathy on this particular board. First this isn't the place, and second toss out the crutch and stand up and realize that your life could be a whole lot fucking worse then it is.

If I sound cold it is probably because people generally piss me off when all they do is whine when they honestly have no reason to. Oh poor you all you do is work then lay around the house and sleep...HOLY FUCK want to take some responsibilty off of my shoulders because i don't have time to lay around and sleep the weekends away. I can bet alot of people could fall into the rut you have put yourself in, suck it up and do whatever it takes to get your ass out of the house.

Boo fucking hoo your depressed, please go back to the mind set of this board and its members no longer serve a purpose for you.

[Sean of the Thread]

Unhealthy people (that don't have to be) are really, really fucking annoying.

The end.

You dumb fuck you got a lot of living to do before anything you say has merit.

[Stanley Burrell]

I am assuming <correct me if I am wrong> that you are once again looking for sympathy on this particular board. First this isn't the place, and second toss out the crutch and stand up and realize that your life could be a whole lot fucking worse then it is.

If I sound cold it is probably because people generally piss me off when all they do is whine when they honestly have no reason to. Oh poor you all you do is work then lay around the house and sleep...HOLY FUCK want to take some responsibilty off of my shoulders because i don't have time to lay around and sleep the weekends away. I can bet alot of people could fall into the rut you have put yourself in, suck it up and do whatever it takes to get your ass out of the house.

Boo fucking hoo your depressed, please go back to the mind set of this board and its members no longer serve a purpose for you.

The internet is, in most instances, an unhealthy medium to discuss these sorts of matters/whine about them.

One quick thing: I have seen a wide variety of individuals who suffer from depression. Out of this particular group of people, there are those who suffer from a dysthymic component, as well as those who have the element of a clinical major depressive disorder (I or II)

I don't really know what Leetakin's situation is, but I've been exposed to, on many occasions, some ungodly fucked up shit in individuals who suffer from major depressive disorders; where a human being is almost equal to a fully comatose individual, save only for the mechanisms which keep them aware of their illness. In many cases, nothing other than being biochemically screwed is to be held culprit for people who suffer from unfathomably dramatic states of depression. It is, I would say, the scientific fact alone in people with true depression that by having a pathological defect in neurotransmitter X, people my age and younger that I've seen and know will consciously shit themselves in the same bed that they have remained motionless in for a week, yet maintain low threshold levels.

I will now make an absolutely inappropriate, but needed statement of comparison. From my work and life experiences, and the many types of people that I have been exposed to in the world of diseases, it is my 110% firm belief that in more cases than not, one would reserve more moral authority telling terminally-ill cancer/AIDS/Heart/Liver/etc. patients to bite their tongue/take the sticks out of their asses than those who suffer from certain depressive disorders.

Stanley Burrell.

[SpunGirl]

Actually, HN, I disagree. I've aired some pretty personal issues here before and gotten absolutely positive and encouraging feedback, and I'm hardly the Angel of the PC. I think a lot of how you're received has to do with your past dumbass moves. /end off topic

-K

[Sean of the Thread]

Actually, HN, I disagree. I've aired some pretty personal issues here before and gotten absolutely positive and encouraging feedback, and I'm hardly the Angel of the PC. I think a lot of how you're received has to do with your past dumbass moves. /end off topic

-K

Wanna hump?

[HarmNone]

Actually, HN, I disagree. I've aired some pretty personal issues here before and gotten absolutely positive and encouraging feedback, and I'm hardly the Angel of the PC. I think a lot of how you're received has to do with your past dumbass moves. /end off topic

-K

I think a lot depends on the kind of problem being aired and the person airing said problem. Some things are more apt to be amenable to discussion here than others, and some people are more able to deal with superfluous comments than others.

In the case of the problem, if it's a life situation that many may have faced and dealt with, a post about it will probably receive lots of helpful responses. Same goes for a relatively common illness or a daily upset.

In the case of the person, if that person is a target here (for whatever reason), they're much less likely to receive helpful advice than one who isn't a target, even if they're talking about something relatively mundane. For major depression, there's not much help to be found here, IMHO.

[CrystalTears]

In this case, she was bored and posted about herself. I personally don't think she's so clinically depressed that she needs to be on meds. Not when she's okay to go shopping all the time, and doesn't feel she needs therapy. This could have been saved for online journals, not more personal information left for others to use against you in an area where you know it happens.

[Leetahkin]

Welp, I put my situation out here for more insights and opinions. Like Nevermind said, these drugs have a tendency to fog your life up. I do know that my memory isn't as good since I've been on these pills. I have received a lot of good information from the posts, and I needed the push to make me realize that yes, I need to get into the doctor's office. I do very well with people analyzing me and then telling me what they think. As such, I have called my doctor's office and made an appointment for Monday (he doesn't work Fridays :( )

Hell, I don't even remember the name of the anti's that I'm currently on. I know my dosage was doubled a few months ago, and we left it at that for a while. It's obviously not the right kind of anti's.

As far as me talking about personal issues, my depression isn't anything I haven't spoken about before. This was the best outlet for me at the time, and still is. It should be shown by now that I have no plans of leaving this forum, especially by members berating or being downright cruel to me. The information I am giving is still generic enough for me to feel comfortable with. :shrug:


My therapist situation.

Right before I started on the meds, I chose to visit a therapist/counsellor. During the first visit, he said that he uses religion along with therapy. I stayed through the whole first visit, but said no thank you in the beginning to religious talking. I also said I wouldn't be returning.

Next I went back to a therapist/counsellor that I had seen a year prior for issues, about the time I started on meds by my primary physician. The sessions were an hour long, but after the second or third, I was out of her office within 20 minutes of starting. She wanted me to read books abouit OCD, which I started to. In the sessions, I gave her an update of what was going on in my life, she listened, that was it. Nothing else to talk about. It became really uncomfortable sitting there after telling my updates, with her trying to figure out something to say. So I left.

I found a psychologist to go to. A bit more expensive, a much longer drive to and from her office. Sessions were for 45 minutes each time with her. She didn't deal with cognitive therapy.. I can't remember what she called it. She had me buy Power Thought cards and pick a few each day and say them over and over again to myself. I did for a week or two, but it became more of a hassle than anything. She was the one who did the dream analyzing. She also spent much of the time talking about herself and experiences rather than helping me. I felt for the money I was paying, I wasn't getting my money's worth at all. And I was feeling okay.

One problem I am finding is that the majority of the therapists and psychologists are at the very least my parents' age, but usually a bit older. I kind of want to find someone who is a bit younger (not retirement or past-retirement age) who has been through schooling more recently.

Also, I feel fine on the meds for a month or so, but over the long run I realize what's happening. My prescription plan at work allows me to fill a 30 day script at a local pharmacy, but after that I have to send away for a 3 month supply at a time. They consider it to be a maintenance drug. Which is very hard, because sometimes it takes a few months for me to realize if they are fully working or not. Or maybe my system starts reacting differently to the drug after a few months.

[CrystalTears]

One problem I am finding is that the majority of the therapists and psychologists are at the very least my parents' age, but usually a bit older. I kind of want to find someone who is a bit younger (not retirement or past-retirement age) who has been through schooling more recently. Go back on the meds because anyone who prefers a therapist fresh out of school than someone with experience is obviously sick in the head, especially when you don't even know what medication you're taking. Good lord.

Yes antidepressant drugs are a maintenance drug, not something you think of doing once in a while. You're supposed to take them everyday and have your body get used to them. It takes a few months for them to settle and work to the best advantage. Also sending them in usually costs less than taking to the pharmacy as insurance companies tend to give a larger discount when they handle the prescription.

[Asha]

Sounds to me like you're not suffering from OCD or even depression.
I think you're just looking for someone to talk to both in RL and here, Livejournal or Myspace.
You don't need a counsellor, meds or to read books on things you're not suffering from.
You're frustrated becouse the doctors aren't giving you (or telling you) what you need to be given. And that's not their fault becouse nothing they can do for you will help.
The only way this will end is to get up, bite the bullet and get on with your life. Look from a new perspective, drink coffee or eat a bagel at a different cafe. Stop the pills, stop relying on spending money on psychiatrists and cars to make it all go away.. and stop projecting this negative side of your life.
Trust me, no-one gives a shit and no-one can pick you up from the shit, but you.
Good luck.

Edited to add :
None of that was meant in a nasty way, Monica. I just completely did what you're doing now both on these boards and in RL and I swear it doesn't help and just gets worse if you don't tell yourself to get up and move on.
When I look back I cringe at my behaviour and I freak out. I just hope you get it fixed too.

[Skirmisher]

Go back on the meds because anyone who prefers a therapist fresh out of school than someone with experience is obviously sick in the head, especially when you don't even know what medication you're taking. Good lord.


I have to disagree.

If you are not comfortable with your therapist no matter what the reason, little progress can ever be made.

If for her a younger counselor is what would facilitate things then so be it.

I would however caution against ruling out all therapists who are over whatever age you think makes communication more difficult wih at present.

While there are the occasional young phenoms in any field, it takes a truly exceptional talent to overcome the combination of profesional and life experience that comes with time.

[Leetahkin]

I wasn't saying I want a therapist fresh out of schooling. I am saying the majority of therapists around here are in their 60s+. I would much rather prefer a therapist in their late 30s+. Isn't this field always coming up with new ways of therapy? I'd much rather try something more up-to-date rather than go to someone who has been following (possibly) out-dated therapy. Call it a bias, call it what you will. It's just something that I'd be more comfortable with. Such as a female sometimes choosing a female gyno over a male. Or choosing a younger primary physician over one who should be ready for retirement. Or a younger dentist over a much older one (I had a BAD experience with an older dentist, and will never see an older one again).

It's a choice that I have.

[HarmNone]

Qualified therapists are required to continue their education throughout their years of practice. Therefore, the age of the therapist makes absolutely no difference.

As CT said, antidepressives are meant to be taken over a long term, not for a few months. It does take a few weeks to a month and a half to see if the medication is the right one for you, and to determine if you need an additional medication to control errant symptoms.

One cannot decide "I'm feeling better" and make his/her own decision to just stop the medication/therapy. If you wanted to be your own physician, why pay someone else. Of course, you don't have the education to be your own physician, so that line of thought has its pitfalls. Not to mention, just stopping any medication of this type can have consequences one doesn't expect.

I agree with what some have said. Part of beating depression is getting hold of yourself by the bootstraps and doing some of the things that will help you to feel better. Exercise, proper eating and sleeping habits, taking a multivitamin...the list goes on. When one is in the depths of a depressive episode, these things are nearly impossible. However, if you can come to the computer and type out the problem, you're not at that stage. So, you have the ability to help yourself. You just have to make the effort. That is not to say that you don't need therapy, medications, and professional help. It is only to point out that you, too, have a responsibility to see that your treatment continues to move in a forward direction.

I still do not agree that this is the best outlet for you, as far as these problems are concerned. There are better ones available.

[HarmNone]

Leetahkin, please check your PMs if you haven't done so.

[Leetahkin]

For anyone with even an ounce of curiosity and/or care:

Doc drew blood to test thyroid and anemia.
Doc doesn't believe my weight gain nor my lack of energy/motivation are related to the anti's (Celexa generic, 40 mg).

If blood comes back fine, next is to check my heart for problems because of my heart history.

All else fails (everything is fine), I see a psychiatrist for testing and possible different anti's.

All I can say, is I'm friggen exhausted at the moment, as usual. I felt like I could fall asleep at the drop of a dime. :sleep:


Good news is, the HUGE black-and-blue injury I got while on a date a few weeks ago has finally gone away. Just a few knots to massage out, and I'll never remember it happened. :D

[Asha]

Good news is, the HUGE black-and-blue injury I got while on a date a few weeks ago has finally gone away. Just a few knots to massage out, and I'll never remember it happened. :D
WTF?

[AnticorRifling]

Start walking, then jogging, then running. Be proactive. There is no therapy like the open country side and an mp3 player.

[Kierke]

The problem with Celexa is not that it inherently causes weight-gain, but that if you are on it and generally inactive, weight-gain is more likely. When on anti-deps and anti-psychotics, even upping your exercise level by just a small amount over previous efforts can make a huge difference in whether you gain weight or not. It's more difficult of course, because a depressed person isn't likely to want to do anything active, but it can help.

S.

(On a related note, have you tried Lexapro instead? Newer variation, different side effects. Not necessarily better, just different.)

[Latrinsorm]

There is no therapy like the open country side and an mp3 player.When you first start running especially, don't listen to music while you run. Your brain can get detached and you can hurt yourself pretty good.

[AnticorRifling]

If you can't put one foot in front of the other without getting hurt it's time to reroll at life.

I generally run with cadence vs music. Something like the cadence tapes listed here http://www.imsplus.com/ims47h.html

[Asha]

Do what I do and run with Daft Punk.
It's generic enought to hold a steady beat, plus you feel cool as all hell.

[Leetahkin]

Bleh, I can't start exercising until I see my Cardiologist again.

If my heart is failing again, exercising would be the worst thing to do. Here's to a few weeks of doing nothing, and now eating much less.

[Alfster]

train wreck in progress

rofl

[Leetahkin]

sorry, but it doesn't deal with my weight issue.

Intrinsic cardiomyopathy. Look it up.

[Bobmuhthol]

DCM, HCM, ARVC, or RCM?

[Leetahkin]

The doc's couldn't pinpoint what caused the myopathy, so I can't answer your question Bob. They ran me through EVERY freakin test and determined that a virus attacked my heart muscles, causing them to pump at 20% efficiency. Coronary artery disease was ruled out by the painful test through the groin.

[Skirmisher]

train wreck in progress

rofl

And on that note I find myself reminding people to not troll in the journals section or things will just be deleted.

[Sean of the Thread]

And on that note I find myself reminding people to not troll in the journals section or things will just be deleted.

I see...allow positive criticism and not negative criticism?

Are player journals made of sugar spice and fucking happy dust on the players corner? I must have missed the recipe in the TOS.



Leetahkin unless you're ordered to bed rest get off your ass and take a brisk walk for a couple blocks every night for starters.Therapy would also be the best idea you've ever had and if that doesn't work you can always try Dianetics.

[Skirmisher]

I see...allow positive criticism and not negative criticism?

Are player journals made of sugar spice and fucking happy dust on the players corner? I must have missed the recipe in the TOS.

Lay off the wounded innocent routine.

Constructive criticism is okie dokie, cheap shots are not and have not been as long as I've moderated.

It's not a new policy and it's not changing as long as i moderate it.

[HarmNone]

What you missed, Xyelin, is that Skirmisher is the moderator for this forum and, as such, can decide how the forum will be moderated. It is within her scope to call the shots in folders she moderates, as long as no content that would violate TOS is allowed. This is true for all the moderators.

[Sean of the Thread]

Lemme check...... uhm... nope didn't miss a thing.

[HarmNone]

Wonderful! Then, you now understand that Skirmisher may make the decisions as to what is, and is not, acceptable in the Journals forum. We can all make happy now. :)

[Sean of the Thread]

I never said I didn't understand it.. I was simply posting my opinion of it.

I think that you have your strap-on shoved so far up Skirms ass that you felt the need to rush to her defense and reaffirm her moderation and in the process you forgot to read my post for context.

Anyways moving on.. any more henny peck can be sent to my U2U so we can get back to the freak show that you two have officially derailed.

[Leetahkin]

Nevermind - an airplane bit my leg during my date. It was fate telling me the guy wasn't for me ;) Three weeks of physical therapy set my leg straight.

[HarmNone]

Ummmm...an airplane bit your leg? I'm almost afraid to ask, but...well, could you explain that? :wtf:

[Leetahkin]

There's a place called City Museum in St. Louis.. it's a huge jungle gym.

http://www.citymuseum.org/allattractions.html

If you look at that page, it's the airplane picture for MonstroCity. Way up high.
There's two ways in/out, and one isn't an easy way. ;)

[Sean of the Thread]

You're not allowed to take healthy walks but you're allowed to climb around that fucking Monstrocity??

Also post a picture of your date and tell us all about it! It sounded like it went wrong.

[Alfster]

You're not allowed to take healthy walks but you're allowed to climb around that fucking Monstrocity??



yeah, wtf? Methinks larger people don't like walking so they come up with an excuse...

[CrystalTears]

No doctor in the world would be opposed to light walking on a regular basis. Unless you've been told to stay in bed for basically life, there is no excuse to at least walking as exercise. I know you're trying to find the "reason" you're overweight, however only you can allow yourself to be overweight. Blaming outside reasons are only excuses for not blaming yourself. Just do something about it and start walking.

[Alfster]

Wezas style I found your journal, and it appears that you're either full of shit on your doctor telling you to not exercise, or you don't listen to him.

(I skimmed for the most part, but found this entertaninig)
Lack of motivation really, REALLY sucks. I know it's because I'm not happy in my life. I need someone in my life, someone to be able to do things with on the weekends. To get me out of my funk.

I'm going to try to start exercising again tomorrow, since I've been feeling much better {knock on wood}. Maybe that will lift my spirits some.

Finally dragged my arse on the treadmill Sunday morning. About bloody time, I'd say. I did 1.75 miles, but didn't do another .25 outta sheer boredom. If I could turn my brain off while exercising, I'd probably get more done. Here's to the start of trying to get rid of weight again. I'll try to work out tonight, but I may not be able to.



So um, yeah...appears you CAN, you just don't want to

[Sean of the Thread]

pwnt.

[Leetahkin]

X and Alf, you two are such baffoons.

It was only SLIGHTLY exaggerated what I said about not doing anything until I see my cardiologist. If I had to explain EVERYTHING for EVERYONE, I'd be here all bloody day. Yes, I can and do walk. As far as strenuous exercising, it's best not to until I get my heart checked out again. In a month.

Cardiomyopathy is not something to fuck with.

[CrystalTears]

You should try dancing, cause you tap dance around stuff really well. :D

If I had to explain EVERYTHING for EVERYONE, I'd be here all bloody day.
If you're going to be vague on a so-called online journal, don't be OMG surprised by the commentary.

[Leetahkin]

Hmm, dancing would be good exercise.
Just no yeehaw line-dancin' for this chick.

[SpunGirl]

Your problem is that you need a life. Granted I mostly skim through the majority of your pity party, but I hardly ever see you mention friends or doing stuff with pals. Stop living online. Get real friends.

-K