Seeking Literary Critique

[Atlanteax]

I was going through some of the stuff that I transferred over from my old computer, and came across a few things I wrote.

Specifically, these were some poetry that I wrote in my senior year in highschool and first year of college.

I'd say I was a hopeless romantic at the time, and was convinced that I'd "meet the one" sooner than later while at college.

Obviously, that did not happen, and I'd also say that I'm probably a bit jaded about that sort of thing now.

Anyhow, I figured I'd toss these three poems up here, to see what others think of them.

.


He had been waiting for this moment,
A time when her presence would end his torment.
As he stood gallantly before his Princess,
His awareness of the world left on recess.
Heaven enveloped him as he became enamored by her aura,
For he wished for them both to embark upon a new era.
A melodious harmony dwelled within his mind,
As his reverence for her would give his destiny a find.
Without hesitation, he went forth and embraced his angel,
Hoping that the flame would never burn out in the candle.
His hands found their way to her face,
And he tenderly brushed her cheeks with lace.
While his eyes gazed into hers with an untold softness,
His smile became transfixed with happiness.
As her eyes teased him with a glint intended to be coy,
His heart soared as he watched her face become illuminated with joy.
Aware of the gentle breathing between the two,
As their faces neared each other he took his cue.
He softly pressed his lips to hers and left them pulsating together,
With the knowledge that he will always love her.
His compassion grew stronger with infatuation,
As their amorous plane would require no course of action.
The animosity of fate would no longer be what it seem,
For he had realized that being with her was a sweet dream.

...

The Prince casts his eyes on thee,
My beautiful Princess, and his heart is set free.
His gaze has become transfixed as he takes your hand,
For his essence will follow you across the land.
His hand dangles by your cheek, full of affection,
As what he feels for you, angelic eyes, is more than infatuation.
Know my dear, that he’ll always be there,
For his compassion for your being is here.
As his hand runs through your soft hair,
His is enraptured by a girl so fair.
He now lies besides you on your bed,
As his strong and comforting arm supports your head.
He shall wait for you to fall asleep tonight,
For he has tenderly kissed you goodnight.
It is now time for sweet and peaceful dreams,
Though you will remember in his eyes the gleam.
He will wait an eternity for you,
As he wishes for the union to be true.

...

As I gaze at you, standing in the rain
Our world would seem to know no pain
I am drawn to your presence, enjoying the view
Admiring how beauty and warmth radiates from within you
As my senses are inspired by your being
I can only hope that I am not dreaming
My hands reach out with tender affection
That amazing smile was your reaction
Your eyes are filled with dancing lights
Telling me all that you felt about tonight
There was so much that I wanted to talk to you about
But it was as if you knew without a doubt
How devoted I will always be to my Princess
As our personae merged in an amorous caress
I knew that I would never be able to let go of the one
For whom my devoted love will never end

[Bobmuhthol]

Without reading them: lol, you wrote serious poetry.

[radamanthys]

tried too hard to rhyme, and the flow was interrupted... get the syllables down

[radamanthys]

Jason? Let me tell you a tale...

The one who, as an aural black hole, vies for eternity...
My soul, my heart, my body, oh! the sundries
in my heart, sundering said factions;
my whole existance plunges into a faint song--
Unknown to me whether dirge or lilting elfsong--
such are the musings of the sweet, meddling, innocent siren.

(to steal from the honey bees is wrong,
it is said, but their toil is vital to survival)
so i lick my fingers, wax my waning self,
and continue on my merry way,
not really noticing the stings of the angry victims of theft,
until they are sweetly caressed by another in some facet of worry.
The caregiver, sweeter than my fingers were on the trail

then a flash of a tyrannical song,
and we are all dumbstruck.

Love and pain, with a jealous rage? or lack thereof with fun?
I always thought that The clashing rocks came first...
I had best find a bird, and a loaf.



that's an interesting one I wrote years ago about my ex- the siren.

[Van]

Take every fifth line and repeat it four times and you might have a decent top 10 song...at least according to the dribble I've heard most recently coming from the box in my car that's supposed to play music.

I applaude your courage at actually posting to a forumn.

Always remember one thing...
We learn by doing. Stay on track and continue to write if you enjoy it. However, if you write for the attention and fame, then I suggest you take up cooking. It's easier.

[Edited on 1-13-2006 by Van]

[Latrinsorm]

Rhythm is more important than rhyming. Try to keep near the same "beats" per line and keep rhyming as a secondary concern. What also helps rhyming is using a style like ABCB instead of AABB. It's still rhyme-y but less calcifying.

That being said, poetry is at its core a personal expression, so there's really no "wrong" way to do it so long as you find it expresses how you felt.

[Faent]

Rada, that's excellent.

Atlanteax, if I were a woman, I would be very frightened to be the recipient of such poems. That's not a literary critique, however, so here is some vicious criticism that may or may not be helpful. I prefer structured poetry to free form, convinced that it's more difficult to write, but the AABBCCDD... rhyme scheme is nauseating. There is no pattern to the syllabification (10,8,12,15,12,11,10,10,8,11,14,11,13), many attempted rhymes are strained (affection/reaction, affection/infatuation, there/here, angel/candle), some are redundant (tonight/goodnight), commonplace locutions such as "without a doubt" crop up, there are too many prepositions/conjunctions/pronouns, and the notions of "tender kisses"/"sweet dreams"/"angelic eyes"/"transfixed gazes"/etc... are trite and banal. Your poetry is too loose. I'm of the opinion, disputed by some, that good poetry is highly condensed.

Now for a disclaimer. I have no poetry training, but I know some poetry graduate students who would probably be even harsher. Of course, they'd probably have some positive stuff to say as well, since it's their job to offer a bit of consolation as well as criticism. Nevertheless, you shouldn't expect poems you wrote in high school or in your early years of college to be good, or even passable, unless you'd already been writing quite seriously for a long time. So please, don't let the above remarks get you down.

[radamanthys]

Thanks :-)

Oh, and Atlanteaxx, balance out the lines, and it'll be better. Same feel for each rhyming couple. Love poems are hard, too, to really express how you feel, and make it sound sincere.

In other news: I love Walt Whitman's poetry... and Winslow Homer's art. Check each out and compare them. I've never seen two artists of vastly different media able to capture the essense of eachother in such a way. I just need a painter to go with my other favorite poet now... Pablo Naruda.

[xtc]

When I was younger the works of Byron, Keats, Wordsworth, Browning, Barret Browning and Bill Wigglestick were my kind of poetry. These days it is pretty much Andrew Dice Clay, I get shallower as I get older.

I am not a poetry expert but it seems pretty Harlequin Romancish to me.

[radamanthys]

Bill Wigglestick?

<immature snicker>

[xtc]

Originally posted by radamanthys
Bill Wigglestick?

<immature snicker>

Silly name a friend came up with. William Shake speare. Bill Wiggle stick.

[SpunGirl]

I always preferred Shel Silverstein.

-K