College Essay

[Artha]

I figured I'd put it up here because I'm sure some of you can give me some good advice, which I'll admit to being desperately in need of. I think the three things that I bring up are probably the most important, but any suggestions would be great. There's no word or space limit. It's for NCSU but I'm hoping I'll be able to reuse it for another college or two.


There are many facts about myself which, I feel, are worth knowing. After being alive for just over eighteen years, this is hardly surprising. However, it is not often that I am called upon to give a recounting of these facts and facets of my personality, yet I will labor to do as thorough a job as possible. I am a student at the Appomattox Regional Governor’s School for Arts and Technology in Petersburg, Virginia and am working to improve my grades and study habits. As well, I hold an internship at Sycamore Rouge, a non-profit organization dedicated to revitalizing downtown Petersburg.
At the Appomattox Regional Governor’s School for Arts and Technology, students are placed in smaller than average classes and allowed to focus more on their majors than at more traditional high schools. Deciding to apply to and attend the Governor’s School was one of the most important, and one of the best, decisions I have made so far. The strength of the focus placed on computer science and programming, I feel, gives me a strong background in these fields.
While the Governor’s school is a joy to attend, oftentimes in the past I found myself falling into the rut of slacking. College, often, seemed distant and even unimportant; I could not think ahead and realize that I would very much regret not turning in that homework or studying for that quiz. With college looming on the horizon, my study habits have improved immensely. Along with a grueling job as a manual laborer this summer, the constant specter of college has provided me with ample motivation. While I regret my former lack of responsibility, I am working hard to correct past mistakes and improve this massive oversight.
The internship I hold at Sycamore Rouge is for graphic design, meaning that my duties include designing posters, fliers, mailers, postcards and other similar things as well as taking out the trash and buying coffee. Sycamore Rouge is a not-for-profit organization which is dedicated to becoming a nexus for the arts in downtown Petersburg, drawing tourists and businesses to the area and providing an influx of income to the impoverished area. This internship has taught me a great deal about creative thinking and hard work as well as helped me to improve my technique and style in graphic design. One of my biggest accomplishments at this internship was helping to create and advertise the Next Generation Artist Series, an open mic night geared towards local high school students, which grows in popularity every week.
John Dewey said that, “To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness.” I believe that I know what I am fitted to do, and feel that my high school background, newfound appreciation for the value of work, and the skills and values imparted through my internship will help me to secure an opportunity to do it. This opportunity, I feel, will come to me through college. As I have a sincere desire to find happiness, concordantly I have a sincere desire to not only enter college, but also do well and make my attendance an honor for both myself and the University.


edit: Oh, rereading it, my grades aren't that terrible, I just think they could be better. I'm pretty sure I have a B/B+ average over all.

[Edited on 12-30-2005 by Artha]

[Miss X]

I don't know if it's as important for college applications there as here, but I focussed a little on the things I did outside of high school or extra-curricula. I think you play tennis? You might want to write a bit about how you have progressed with the sport etc. I always think that shows you have more depth and that you can apply yourself to different things and gives them something to ask about in interviews if they do them.

Sounds good though. :)

[TheEschaton]

Don't talk about your slacking off so much. You have to mention it, but a whole paragraph?

-TheE-

[Drew2]

Yes. Extra-curriculars matter probably just as much or more than academics. They want to see how much shit you can handle at once, because that's basically all college is; how much shit you can handle without failing out.


So, any jobs, accomplishments, or sports is good to add.

[Hulkein]

<< Yes. Extra-curriculars matter probably just as much or more than academics. >>

LOL, no shot.

SAT and GPA while in HS are about 90% of what most schools look at (especially state schools).

[Satira]

You definitely need to cut down the paragraph about slacking. As a matter of fact, don't even use the word slack anywhere in there. Also, get rid of "oftentimes".
Say you weren't as focused as you should have been, but you've corrected that, and you won't let it happen again in college.

[TheEschaton]

Hulkein's probably right. Extracurriculars will matter for grad school, so remember that much.

And I concur about the cutting out the slacking bit. You have to think like an admissions person. The "I slacked" will jump off the page at them, and the "but I improved and won't do it again" bit will fade.

-TheE-

[Kitsun]

Originally posted by Hulkein
<< Yes. Extra-curriculars matter probably just as much or more than academics. >>

LOL, no shot.

SAT and GPA while in HS are about 90% of what most schools look at (especially state schools).

I agree with that.

My aunt was big on spewing out the "No college will want you without the extra-cirriculars" bullcrap. I didn't do a damn thing, I was missing my counselors recommendation and I still got accepted into every college I sent an application to.

Same goes for grad school. I was sending in the professor praises late and got accepted before I even put them in the mailbox.

I honestly don't think anyone reads that stuff. If you put the first two sentences together properly, they don't give two squirts. They want your money.

[Ebondale]

I wouldn't mention that you buy the coffee at Sycamore Rouge. Colleges generally try to search for the 'future leaders of America' and not... coffee bitch. No offense intended. :)

[Artha]

Heh, intern humor!

[longshot]

First off, what is the question you are answering?

Describe yourself?

I think it's bad. I'm saying this because I care... not to be a dickhead.

If the question is to describe yourself, I really know shit about you after reading this.

Stop writing what you think an admissions person wants to hear... and write what you really feel.

Don't talk about the "slacking" shit... that's a good start.

What you have sounds extremely generic, and lacks specific examples that will allow you to distinguish yourself from other people. You have an internship... talk about a single project that you learned something from, and what you did. Stress leadership... which means getting other people involved in your vision.

The quote at the end is unnecessary, and the last paragraph as a whole sounds forced. I'm assuming you have an idea of what you want to study in college, right? Talk about why you want to study it... either from the perspective of it slowing building to point you in this direction, or the epiphany that you had when you realized what it is you want to do... and most importantly, why it is you think that this college will help you accomplish it.

Start over. Trust me.

[Artha]

There actually is no question, it's a 'personal statement'. No directions are given, except for formatting stuff.

[Necromancer]

Artha,

I'm going to toss out some ideas. I did admissions work for Claremont McKenna College and Stanford University while I attended both (in a student capacity, so I helped with admission policy and student recruitment), so I have a bit of experience with the subject. At the very least, I spoke to enough admissions officers to know what they're looking for.

First, when deciding what to write about in a personal statement, you need to be strategic. Look at your application as a package. What do your grades say? What does your resume say? What are in your recs? (You should have at least a vague idea of what the teachers put into their letters, what they focused on, etc). Look at your application objectively: what would a stranger glean from it?

An admissions officer is looking for a few things. First and foremost, they're looking for proof that you're capable of handling the academic load of college. So they're looking for proof that you've got a brain. Lowish grades can be partially offset by a high SAT score (they understand that not everyone was prepped from day one for college admissions) and/or coming from a school known for a difficult cirriculum. A B+ from Harvard-Westlake in Los Angeles is worth more than an A- coming from a bad inner-city school (though both have pluses and minuses attached to them that balance things out a bit). At this point, there's not much you can do about your SAT score or what school you went to, but be aware of how they look in context with your grades. It can also be offset by proof of a substantial load in your life. If you were working and committed to extracurricular obligations, they'll note that and will give you some leeway. To the person who stated that ECs don't matter: believe me, you are quite mistaken. Let's leave this alone for a moment, however, and move on to the statement.

The other thing to consider is that the personal statement is an opportunity for you to highlight a whole new aspect of yourself that hasn't yet been addressed in the rest of the application. If you use it to explain your low grades and to rephrase the resume you've already submitted (which is what you did), you're wasting space. This isn't the place for those things. This is your opportunity to distinguish yourself. You did graphics design work. Why? Why are you going to college? Is there some personal experience you've had that really highlighted your strength and what you've overcome in life? If not, is there a moment you can focus on that really demonstrates the inner workings of your mind? A very popular, and very effective, style for the personal statement is the snapshot statement. The strategy is to focus on one particular experience, one moment, or one series of moments, and to elaborate upon them in a way that really demonstrates to the admissions committee what you're about. For example, I wrote about the founding of my gay/straight alliance and the process of coming to terms with my sexuality as a teenager (They were tied together for me). It used a piece of my resume (the organization), but it used it to show them something deeply personal about me that differentiated me from other applicants. The focus should be on you, not what you've done (for example, I never once mentioned what the organization actually did; I focused on the personal aspect of the founding and the battles that ensued). Another friend of mine wrote her Stanford essay on always moving around and how tradition, to her and her family, was moving somewhere new every year or two (military family) and the kinds of traditions that sprang out of that moving (the ways they made home again and again). Again, she focused on something personal that you couldn't capture from her resume or her transcript. It worked. Give this some thought.

Back to the issue of your grades. Clearly you want to find a way to explain them. I would suggest an addendum. Submit a half-page explanation to the admissions committee that is separate from your statement (these addendums are welcome in your applications, don't worry). This presumes you actually have a good reason for your low grades. "I was slacking" is certainly not a good explanation. "I wasn't college-bound, and I was focusing on work and my internship, only later realizing how important college was. And look, my SAT score is much higher than my grades would suggest, I ask the committee to weight my SAT over my grades as indicative of my potential." is a good explanation (assuming it's true). Being a first-generation college student can help (lack of family support matters), having to spend a lot of time caretaking at home because parents were working double shifts every night is another. If you really don't have a good explanation, I would just decline to discuss it at all. You may want to ask your teachers to put something in about they don't believe your grades are indicative of your potential, and that they've seen a marked improvement over the years. (If your grades got better over time, that's also something the committee will notice and give you credit for).

I hope those are helpful. And good luck!

[longshot]

What Necromancer said is a much better way of stating the message I was trying to get across.

That's sound advice... I'm sure you can put it to good use.

[Artha]

I guess this is a good place to ask for advice on this:

Virginia Tech has optional essays of 250 words or less on something I feel was left out of the application but I feel would help my chances of getting in. Should I bother doing one, and if so what type of thing should I write about? The application's pretty standard.

[TheEschaton]

V Tech blows. One day we will beat them in football.

That being said: Do you feel anything was left out of the application? If so - write it. If not, don't. It's not brain surgery. Just because they give you the option doesn't mean you have to do it.

-TheE-

[Edaarin]

Originally posted by TheEschaton
V Tech blows. One day we will beat them in football.

-TheE-

Seconded.

Does your high school have a writing center that you can have critique your essay? The structure and mechanics of your writing are a bit off.

[Artha]

Not really. There's english teachers and a college advisor, but that's about it.

[Hulkein]

<< To the person who stated that ECs don't matter: believe me, you are quite mistaken. >>

First, I never said they don't matter at all. They're just not half of what the people look at. Second, Stanford is a lot different than a state school in terms of what they look at. That's why I specifically said 'especially at a state school.'

[Necromancer]

Never turn down an opportunity to add to your application. If there's an option 250 word essay, write 250 words about something. Granted, make it good. It better be well-written, and it beter be relevant. But you're wasting a chance to sell yourself if you leave it blank.

Those 250 words may be the perfect place to contextualize your grades. Also, are you a first-generation college student? Were you working long hours during school? Was your SAT score significantly higher than your grades would indicate? This is the time to talk about these things.

If not, do you have any hobbies you want to mention? Interesting experiences? Want to do a poliitcal analysis of a particular issue of importance to you? The possibilities are endless.

[Artha]

Also, are you a first-generation college student?
I'm not actually sure. Both of my parents went to college, but neither finished. My grandfather (on my dad's side) got a Master's (I think) in business. However, when I get in, I'll be the only [my last name] of this generation or the last to go to college and complete it.

[Necromancer]

Sorry, that's not really what they mean when they say first-generation college student.

[Artha]

Didn't think so.

Oh, I got a 1960 on my SATs, which comes out to about 1310 on the old SAT scale. I have a B/B+ average, but a lot of that comes from electives and the like.

[Hulkein]

Then you'll have little problem getting into NC State, I'd assume.

Also, B/B+ average isn't really 'slacking' to me. I realize you probably do slack, I did the same thing in HS and got around the same grades, but you don't need to mention that in a college essay. If you got like straight C's but did well on the SATs, then I'd see a reason to explain that you're ready to work harder, but with B's I don't think you need to explain that.

[Necromancer]

Your grades are about equal to your SAT score (maybe a third of a grade equivalent lower). Look at the average GPA and SAT scores for incoming students for the schools you are applying to. If you're low, it's worth explaining. If you're in the ballpark, I wouldn't worry about it overly.

I hope you're working on rewriting that admissions essay, incidently. It should not be turned in as it is.

[Daniel]

1310 is pretty good, I only got like a 1260, but then again, I'm black so that's like super crazy high, especially from the neighborhood I lived in, but I also had a 1.2 GPA.

That is slacking: In case you were wondering.

[Latrinsorm]

Artha isn't black? :?:

[Artha]

I play tennis.

[TheEschaton]

I got a 1590 on the old SATs, and had a B/B+ average. That is slacking. ;)

But in the end, it worked out for me, because with my 92 average, I was still top 15 in my class. Yay for super tough private Catholic prep schools without weighting for AP/advanced tracks.


-TheE-

[Drew2]

Originally posted by Artha
I play tennis.

This is the opposite of heterosexual.

I mean, basketball.

[Artha]

All I'm saying about tennis is that nobody's ever slapped my ass for playing well. Unlike some other sports I could name.