Letter to Jesus

[Hakonne]

Inspired by some serious cold medicine, and some conversation over in the What do you want for X-Mas topic, I jotted a little note to the Big J. Made me curious, if you could write one to Jesus too, what would you say?

Cross-posted from What do you want for X-Mas?

Dear Jesus,
I am sorry your name sounds like you were born in Mexico, rather than Nazareth. We assume it was Nazareth because the TV tells us it is so. Speaking of which, wtf was with the whole ten commandments thing? And do you really expect us to stick to one chick at a time? That's crazy talk. Oh, and if you convince the city planning commission that an expansion would be a sweet idea, I promise we'll have a big Christmas Party.

Kthx,
Hak

P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.

[Viridian]

hehe, cute.

[Latrinsorm]

Dear Jesus,

Keep up the good work. Sorry about sinning. I'm trying my best. How about opening up a few Taco Bells over here and doing that other thing I'm always asking you about? You know the one I'm talking about.

Jesus Christ SuperStar is how it really went down, right? I like the way you embellished Gethsemane.

The peace of Christ be wi... uh...
With love and brotherliness,
Eric

[Grandsome46]

Dear Jesus,

How come everything bad happens to me and everything good happens to you?

Love,
Mason

PS. Isn't it weird that your birthday and Christmas fall on the same day? Do you get like, double presents?

[SpunGirl]

Dear Jesus,

I know you probably won't read this, seeing as you are a dead person and dead people don't generally receive postal services. Were you alive, I'm sure you would be bummed about all the blood that's been shed in your name, as well as the abundance of silly hats worn in your name. Do dead people communicate with each other? In that case, you might want to find Joseph Smith and give him a hearty slap upside the head (if you haven't already).

As far as enlightened historical figures go, you weren't half bad... but if you ask me, some folks get a little too crazy over your following. Bet it would've been nice to write your own story instead of letting a bunch of other people misinterpret it for you, right?

-Kristin

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by SpunGirl]

[Viridian]

Dear Jesus,


Why do you make all toddlers act like demons? Is it some kind of trial on how long I can stay sane? I'd like to know if my run of incredibly bad luck is up soon. Also I'd like to you to smite the following: Step Mother, two half-sisters, and my child's asshole father.

Can you like smite the hell out of the coperate retail companies who start promoting your day in like August? It's really annoying. Also, let my Dad and Grandma know I love them lots.

With lots of Love,

Sammie

P.S. Sorry about the Sins, and using your name in vain.

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by Viridian]

[xtc]

Originally posted by Grandsome46
Dear Jesus,

How come everything bad happens to me and everything good happens to you?

Love,
Mason


Dear Mason,

Are you kidding me? Nobody believed my Mom was a virgin, they use to call me bastard child. I lived in a time before modern medicine and clean drinking water. The Devil badgered me for 40 days and nights, the prick wouldn't let up.....and lastly those bastards I tried to help, nailed me to a cross. My Father, Mister Almighty, wouldn't save me because I had to die to save you miserable lot. So Mason don't tell me about problems. Have you seen the movie Prophecy? Well that is what it is like around here.

[Jazuela]

Dear Jesus,

Since you were Jewish, and died for everyone and stuff, I thought I'd ask - do you have to eat gefilte fish in heaven? Or is lox and bagels an alternative option? If I have to eat gefilte fish, nothing personal but I think I'd rather be stuck in purgatory so don't feel too bad if I sin just a little bit. I really hate gefiltefish. Thanks.

You know who

[Latrinsorm]

You know what they say, "any afterlife that has Christopher Walken in it..."

[Wezas]

Jesus,

My birthday is 3 days away from yours. Do you get the ghetto ass "combo gift"? "This is for your birthday and Christmas" - and of course it sucks?

Sorry about all the masturbating, but a guy has to fall asleep somehow.

Thanks for not making my kid look like a cone-headed rat. And if you could, I think my brother's newborn son has had enough people tell him he's going to "grow into his looks". Throw him a bone, would ya?

I've enclosed a link to the poo video, pretty sure they don't have that type of thing up there.

Peace Out, Homie

Wezas

[SayGoodbye]

Dear Jesus,

Sorry you died that way man. I know you probably had some great ideas of your time and I've tried getting into that but the establishment thats built itself on you makes me suspicious. I know that's not what you want to hear but even if I did wanna give your ideas a full, honest go there's too many hypocrits and all around bad people that seem so close to you to make me wary.

Ashes to ashes,

J.L.

[SpunGirl]

Originally posted by SayGoodbye
Dear Jesus,

Sorry you died that way man. I know you probably had some great ideas of your time and I've tried getting into that but the establishment thats built itself on you makes me suspicious. I know that's not what you want to hear but even if I did wanna give your ideas a full, honest go there's too many hypocrits and all around bad people that seem so close to you to make me wary.

Ashes to ashes,

J.L.

Dear J.L.

It's cool. I was just a peaceful enlightened kinda guy, I never meant for people to go all insane and berserk over my life. I figured people would have forgotten me a hundred or so years after my death, but no, they had to start coming up with all these wild theories about my origin. You know how it is... if people look hard enough, they'll find whatever it is they want to see.

Take care of the people you love and it's all good.

Peace,
J-Dog

[xtc]

Originally posted by Jazuela
Dear Jesus,

Since you were Jewish, and died for everyone and stuff, I thought I'd ask - do you have to eat gefilte fish in heaven? Or is lox and bagels an alternative option? If I have to eat gefilte fish, nothing personal but I think I'd rather be stuck in purgatory so don't feel too bad if I sin just a little bit. I really hate gefiltefish. Thanks.

You know who

Dear Jazuela,

Nah, since the Council of Jerusalem I can eat what I like. I am so glad as I never liked gefiltefish but I still like a good bagel with lox.

Don't worry about purgatory it was a big scam perpetrated by the Catholic Church to coerce more money out of you. My Dad and I have worked out a deal where we get the money from the Catholic Church retroactively; we are redistributing it to each family as they arrive up here. I am scheduled to give you your families portion back next Tuesday…..ah darn…..I wasn’t suppose to tell you that.

J.C.

[DeV]

If I believed in hell I know where Wezas would be resting when he died just for sending a link to that disturbing video.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

[Jebus]

Dear Jesus,


How's it going brah? I've been chillin' in Hawaii tending to the "garden". This years crop is looking good, I'll send you some as soon as I can, dude. Remember, if you get pulled over by the police, well, if you did that water to wine thing once, you can reverse the process, right?

Your brah,

Jebus

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

Maybe they dont do it anymore, but I remember as a little kid thinking, "what's with the ''Put the Christ back in Christmas' signs?"

Hak

[SpunGirl]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

From what I understand, most hardcore Christians don't like "X mas" because "omg u r x-ing out teh name of Christ." I'm not sure about how Jesus himself would have felt.

It makes them even angrier when you refer to them as Xtians.

-K

[xtc]

Originally posted by Hakonne

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

Maybe they dont do it anymore, but I remember as a little kid thinking, "what's with the ''Put the Christ back in Christmas' signs?"

Hak

Actually XMas has the Christ in it.

Xmas
This abbreviation for Christmas is of Greek origin. The word for Christ in Greek is Xristos. During the 16th century, Europeans began using the first initial of Christ's name, "X" in place of the word Christ in Christmas as a shorthand form of the word. Although the early Christians understood that X stood for Christ's name, later Christians who did not understand the Greek language mistook "Xmas" as a sign of disrespect.

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by SpunGirl
Dear Jesus,

I know you probably won't read this, seeing as you are a dead person and dead people don't generally receive postal services. Were you alive, I'm sure you would be bummed about all the blood that's been shed in your name, as well as the abundance of silly hats worn in your name. Do dead people communicate with each other? In that case, you might want to find Joseph Smith and give him a hearty slap upside the head (if you haven't already).

As far as enlightened historical figures go, you weren't half bad... but if you ask me, some folks get a little too crazy over your following. Bet it would've been nice to write your own story instead of letting a bunch of other people misinterpret it for you, right?

-Kristin

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by SpunGirl]

Dear Kristin,
Well um yeah...sorry about that whole Crusades thing! Heh, y'see Mo and I were playing Stratego, and damn me, it JUST GOT BORING, so we decided to change to a different board is all. Our bad.

Hope this helps,
Big J

P.S. I told Mo that if we put Liam and Orlando in the same movie that people would change their minds about the whole thing...

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by Hakonne]

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by xtc
Although the early Christians understood that X stood for Christ's nameTitle. :)

[Kainen]

This thread is making me want some Christ Chex.

[Apotheosis]

Originally posted by SpunGirl

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

From what I understand, most hardcore Christians don't like "X mas" because "omg u r x-ing out teh name of Christ." I'm not sure about how Jesus himself would have felt.
-K


I think, when Jesus comes back, he's going to say to everyone, "Idiots, you got it all wrong!" "My message was incredibly simple, but NOOO, you had to go and add on tens of thousands of DO's and DON'ts, and make that the primary focus of the religions you started in my name, but you absolutely forgot everything else I taught you." "Go back and read the bible, and then come back and talk to me.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<From what I understand, most hardcore Christians don't like "X mas" because "omg u r x-ing out teh name of Christ.">>

Hardcore Christians must be ignoring hardcore Greek, then.

[Hulkein]

Originally posted by SpunGirl

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<P.S. Please note I didn't say X-mas. I know ya hate that Big J.>>

Why would Jesus disapprove of XMas, exactly?

From what I understand, most hardcore Christians don't like "X mas" because "omg u r x-ing out teh name of Christ." I'm not sure about how Jesus himself would have felt.

It makes them even angrier when you refer to them as Xtians.

-K

I don't consider myself a 'hardcore Christian' but I could see why it could be considered disrespectful or an attempt to take away the true meaning of the holiday.

Then again, I don't know Greek. kekeke

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by Hulkein]

[Asha]

Dear Jesus.

Where to begin . . .

Can I have an xbox 360, with perfect dark zero.
A horse complete with stable and lots of land.
A hundred million £s.
A hello from my sister.
An orange lightsaber.
13 new girlfriends which can be vapourised and forgotten by a flick of my wrist.
A friendly bear. (NOT gentle ben!!)
A jungle gym.
An olympic sized ball pool.
20 extra years of life for my mum and dad.
A cash point in my bedroom that gives me my bodyweight in wafers every day.
A +100 db cloak.
And the ability to instantly know every martial art ever devised.

Oh and sorry for saying your name a million times a day as a curse.

Thanks, man.
Your pal Dave.

[Vixen]

Dear Jesus,
Do you just look down on us and cry cause we got it SO screwed up. Do you laugh at all the sorry people who do crap in your name, thinking its buying them a first class ticket up there. Could you also, if my aunts are really the devoted Christians they claim to be... could you at least put them in the ghetto part of heaven, because I'm not saying you're wrong or anything, but if they got a place, I think someone bribed the landlord..... And why did my life have to go down like a bad Blist movie. And if they ever do make a bad b list movie out of it, please promise you will intervene if the name Baldwin is mentioned. Lastly, watch over my prince, and.... when is your birthday... REALLY?

Jani

[SpunGirl]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
<<From what I understand, most hardcore Christians don't like "X mas" because "omg u r x-ing out teh name of Christ.">>

Hardcore Christians must be ignoring hardcore Greek, then.

The hardcores ignore a lot of things they shouldn't.

-K

[Viridian]

Originally posted by Nevermind
Dear Jesus.

Where to begin . . .

Can I have an xbox 360, with perfect dark zero.
A horse complete with stable and lots of land.
A hundred million £s.
A hello from my sister.
An orange lightsaber.
13 new girlfriends which can be vapourised and forgotten by a flick of my wrist.
A friendly bear. (NOT gentle ben!!)
A jungle gym.
An olympic sized ball pool.
20 extra years of life for my mum and dad.
A cash point in my bedroom that gives me my bodyweight in wafers every day.
A +100 db cloak.
And the ability to instantly know every martial art ever devised.

Oh and sorry for saying your name a million times a day as a curse.

Thanks, man.
Your pal Dave.

Dear Dave,

What do I look like? Santa Claus? I died for your sins, wasn't that enough? Yeesh!

Your pal,

Jesus.

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by Viridian
Dear Jesus,


Why do you make all toddlers act like demons? Is it some kind of trial on how long I can stay sane? I'd like to know if my run of incredibly bad luck is up soon. Also I'd like to you to smite the following: Step Mother, two half-sisters, and my child's asshole father.

Can you like smite the hell out of the coperate retail companies who start promoting your day in like August? It's really annoying. Also, let my Dad and Grandma know I love them lots.

With lots of Love,

Sammie

P.S. Sorry about the Sins, and using your name in vain.

[Edited on 11-30-2005 by Viridian]

Dear Sammie,
Contrary to popular belief, it is only YOUR toddler who is acting like a monster. I told you not to mess with the mailman. As far as the coporate retail promotion goes, I think you're just jealous they don't do that for your birthday.
Dad and Grandma are doing great, they both say to come on up, the water's fine. And thanks for the love. Our cars up here are love-powered so keep it coming.

Best Wishes,
Big J

P.S. Sorry, the Smite-o-Matic is fucked right now. God Damned thing never works...

[Grandsome46]

Originally posted by xtc

Originally posted by Grandsome46
Dear Jesus,

How come everything bad happens to me and everything good happens to you?

Love,
Mason


Dear Mason,

Are you kidding me? Nobody believed my Mom was a virgin, they use to call me bastard child. I lived in a time before modern medicine and clean drinking water. The Devil badgered me for 40 days and nights, the prick wouldn't let up.....and lastly those bastards I tried to help, nailed me to a cross. My Father, Mister Almighty, wouldn't save me because I had to die to save you miserable lot. So Mason don't tell me about problems. Have you seen the movie Prophecy? Well that is what it is like around here.

Dear Jesus,
Ok, granted. But that still doesn't explain why all the bad things in life happen to me and only me.

Love,
Mason

[SpunGirl]

Dear Mason,

The Lord helps those who quit their bitching.

Love,
J-Dog

[Caiylania]

Dear Jesus,

So like, where did God come from?

Just Curious,
Adriane

[Overlord]

Dear Jesus,

You have got to teach me some of those neat magic tricks you performed that impressed and confused the masses. If fail to do so before the anniversarry of your birth I shall rain fire and brimstone down upon the population of earth!!

Is it an inborn skill? If not I don't suppose you held a seminar which David Blaine and other illusionists attended?

Keep me updated Hol(e)y man.
-Geoff

P.S Could you somehow ensure I get a fat christmas bonus this year?

[Asha]

Keep me updated Hol(e)y man.
-Geoff


:lol:
Nice.

[CrystalTears]

Dear Jesus,

Please teach me how to turn water into wine. I could really use it right about now.

Love,
Me!

[Aaysia]

Dear Jesus,

I try to be a good christian, sorry for when I fail. Could you possibly, just for me.. shove a lightning bolt up the ass of zealots who give us christian's a bad name? It would be nice to see them get a small preview of what's coming to them.

Thank you for providing me with all the good things I have in life. Could you do me one more favor and make a small miracle enabling me to be able to afford gifts for some people this year? My car insurance burned a hole in my spending fund (though you probably already know that) thx in advance <3

As for all the masses I miss, I'll try to make it this weekend promise. Here's hoping you have a merry christmas too.


Love,
Reneé.

[Asha]

Dear Jesus,

Do you know there are guys in town, who'll shout at the top of their voices that we're ALL going to hell? Did you tell them to do this even if children can hear it?
They stand where everyone has to pass them and do this for like 3 hours. Banging their hands on their bibles then raising it at a young couple who passes them with a pushchair, while shouting they're evil sinners who'll burn for eternity.
Am I wrong to despise these people?
Am I going to burn in hell? Are my mother and father? Is my grandfather?
And tell me this guy will? (http://www.purevolume.com/troysmixtapeoflove)
Anyway Jesus, I respect you so I'll ask before I resort to assaulting your sick minions.

Your dude, Dave.

[Edited on 12-1-2005 by Nevermind]

[Jorddyn]

Dear Jesus -

I love you, man.

I'm not so crazy about a lot of your followers. Do you still do the smiting thing?

Tamara

[AnticorRifling]

Dear Jesus,

Let me keep my head today so I can continue to provide for my wife and I. If someone opens their mouth in such a manner that it would only be appropriate for me to punch them in the neck and fill the gap with my pager.


S/F
Wayne

P.S.

Fuck spineless middle managemet. You wanted this meeting you got this meeting. Sorry that I forgot to tell you I invited your boss and his boss to this just so you could feel the full force of the pain train.

[xtc]

Originally posted by Grandsome46

Originally posted by xtc

Originally posted by Grandsome46
Dear Jesus,

How come everything bad happens to me and everything good happens to you?

Love,
Mason


Dear Mason,

Are you kidding me? Nobody believed my Mom was a virgin, they use to call me bastard child. I lived in a time before modern medicine and clean drinking water. The Devil badgered me for 40 days and nights, the prick wouldn't let up.....and lastly those bastards I tried to help, nailed me to a cross. My Father, Mister Almighty, wouldn't save me because I had to die to save you miserable lot. So Mason don't tell me about problems. Have you seen the movie Prophecy? Well that is what it is like around here.

Dear Jesus,
Ok, granted. But that still doesn't explain why all the bad things in life happen to me and only me.

Love,
Mason

Dear Mason,

Compared to those starving kids in Africa you have it pretty good. That doesn't mean that I have missed or am blind to the suffering in your life. If you remember Job in the Bible, he asked my Dad why his life was full of suffering. My Dad told him that he could no more comprehend the innner workings of life than an ant could comprehend Job. It may sound hollow but it is true. Hang in there 2006 will be better.

Your friend Jesus (or as Homer likes to call me Jebus)

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by AnticorRifling
Dear Jesus,

Let me keep my head today so I can continue to provide for my wife and I. If someone opens their mouth in such a manner that it would only be appropriate for me to punch them in the neck and fill the gap with my pager.


S/F
Wayne

P.S.

Fuck spineless middle managemet. You wanted this meeting you got this meeting. Sorry that I forgot to tell you I invited your boss and his boss to this just so you could feel the full force of the pain train.

Dear Wayne,
We all know that pain is weakness leaving the body. As far as the job goes, I ain't gonna say turn the other cheek (still trying to find out who started that shit...), but I will say that brawn in conjunction with brain is the way to go.
Now for providing for the wife. You know that everyone on Jesus' Player's Corner is willing to help you out, so don't be afraid to ask. I hope your meeting turns out well, but if it doesn't I'm sure my Dad had some lesson in it for you. He works in mysterious ways, you know.

Keep the Faith,
Big J

P.S. Oh yeah, we send spineless middle management downstairs, I hear there're some openings.

[Skeeter]

Originally posted by Nevermind
Dear Jesus,

Do you know there are guys in town, who'll shout at the top of their voices that we're ALL going to hell? Did you tell them to do this even if children can hear it?
They stand where everyone has to pass them and do this for like 3 hours. Banging their hands on their bibles then raising it at a young couple who passes them with a pushchair, while shouting they're evil sinners who'll burn for eternity.
Am I wrong to despise these people?
Am I going to burn in hell? Are my mother and father? Is my grandfather?
And tell me this guy will? (http://www.purevolume.com/troysmixtapeoflove)
Anyway Jesus, I respect you so I'll ask before I resort to assaulting your sick minions.

Your dude, Dave.

[Edited on 12-1-2005 by Nevermind]

Dear Dave,

That guys fucked. Dad hates Emo too.

Your brother from another mother

The big J almighty

[AnticorRifling]

Originally posted by Hakonne

Originally posted by AnticorRifling
Dear Jesus,

Let me keep my head today so I can continue to provide for my wife and I. If someone opens their mouth in such a manner that it would only be appropriate for me to punch them in the neck and fill the gap with my pager.


S/F
Wayne

P.S.

Fuck spineless middle managemet. You wanted this meeting you got this meeting. Sorry that I forgot to tell you I invited your boss and his boss to this just so you could feel the full force of the pain train.

Dear Wayne,
We all know that pain is weakness leaving the body. As far as the job goes, I ain't gonna say turn the other cheek (still trying to find out who started that shit...), but I will say that brawn in conjunction with brain is the way to go.
Now for providing for the wife. You know that everyone on Jesus' Player's Corner is willing to help you out, so don't be afraid to ask. I hope your meeting turns out well, but if it doesn't I'm sure my Dad had some lesson in it for you. He works in mysterious ways, you know.

Keep the Faith,
Big J

P.S. Oh yeah, we send spineless middle management downstairs, I hear there're some openings.

ROLF!

And FYI the the 240lbs "little man" won.

[Tsa`ah]

Dear Jesus ... WTF?

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by Jorddyn
Dear Jesus -

I love you, man.

I'm not so crazy about a lot of your followers. Do you still do the smiting thing?

Tamara

Dear Tamara,
Thank you, it is good to be loved. That is why I love everyone (which makes for some cool hot tub scenes up here, lemme tell you...) As to my "followers": sometimes they're a bit wishy-washy, or misguided. You see our publicist up here quit (his name was Lucifer) in protest for higher wages and better benefits, and Man he was good too. So anyway, he's still pretty pissed at us, and likes to try to bring us down some by undermining those aforementioned followers. Hope this helps.

Til the Second Coming,
Big J

P.S. Yes, smiting is the shit, but as mentioned in a previous letter, the Smite-O-Matic is busted right now.

[xtc]

Originally posted by Hakonne

Originally posted by Jorddyn
Dear Jesus -

I love you, man.

I'm not so crazy about a lot of your followers. Do you still do the smiting thing?

Tamara

Dear Tamara,
Thank you, it is good to be loved. That is why I love everyone (which makes for some cool hot tub scenes up here, lemme tell you...) As to my "followers": sometimes they're a bit wishy-washy, or misguided. You see our publicist up here quit (his name was Lucifer) in protest for higher wages and better benefits, and Man he was good too. So anyway, he's still pretty pissed at us, and likes to try to bring us down some by undermining those aforementioned followers. Hope this helps.

Til the Second Coming,
Big J

P.S. Yes, smiting is the shit, but as mentioned in a previous letter, the Smite-O-Matic is busted right now.

pps The Big Guy frowns on the smiting thing these days. We are a softer gentler diety.

[4a6c1]

Dear Jesus,

Super cool work on the sexual positions and umm, the earth. Yah, I'm a fan. Thanks for those. But can you please, umm, kill my accountant? I cant because yelling at someone that your going to kill them at least once a day qualifies as motive...i think.

<3h8
R

ps. thnx for the boobies.

pps. can you make it look like an accident. thnx.

ppps. and i still want everything else i always ask for too. thnx.

pppps. if you worked for me you'd be fired by now. SLOW SERVICE, HELLO.

ppppps. i didnt mean that.

[Kainen]

Originally posted by JihnasSpirit
Dear Jesus,
ps. thnx for the boobies.

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Back]

Hey bro-ham-n-egger,

Remember that time we were at that bar and that chick with the short skirt sat a certain way and we could see cookie cover? OMG that was hilarious. Or that time we all picked strawberries in a field at night after a Greatful Dead show? Man those were good times. Heh, remember the Tapas Tour a few weeks ago. Good times.

Thanks for watching my back, man. I know I know I get into trouble every once in a while, but I’m not THAT bad.

Looking forward to your return. Tell you what? Petrón shots on me. You need to see what these Mexicans do with a cactus. Ingenious. And of course we’ll set a place for you for Sunday dinner. We start around 2ish and its usually pot-luck.

Your pal.

[4a6c1]

Jesus wouldnt be a very fun dinner guest. He'd just bring fish and loaves.

:-/

[Back]

You forgot the wine.

:P

[4a6c1]

Yah. Jewish wine.

Have you ever even tasted MOGEN DAVID??!!

You'll be soooorry.

Best to just invite some obscure Hindi god who will bring his harem along and teach you fun things about human bendyness.

[Back]

Never had Mogen David, but Manischevitz and yeah, kinda sweet.

When the letter to Krishna thread starts, I will. :D

[Kainen]

Mogen David AKA Maddog 20/20

[4a6c1]

lol

[Back]

Just think... Jesus never left Israel and that was back before 0 AD. There is an ENTIRE world of things he had not experienced. Tequila, Vodka, Chocolate, Spicy Tuna Rolls, Movies, Flight, Computers, Keyless Entry and on and on...

[4a6c1]

Oooh. SEX?

:devilsmile:

(holy sex ftw)

[Back]

Sex sex sex its always sex with you.

[4a6c1]

Its a tough job but somebody has *got* to be the Slutikus.

[Latrinsorm]

Originally posted by JihnasSpirit
Jesus wouldnt be a very fun dinner guest. He'd just bring fish and loaves.

:-/ Yes but it'd be the Bread of LIFE and the Fish of.. uh... Mild Tastiness! You can't go wrong with mild tastiness!

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by JihnasSpirit
Dear Jesus,

Super cool work on the sexual positions and umm, the earth. Yah, I'm a fan. Thanks for those. But can you please, umm, kill my accountant? I cant because yelling at someone that your going to kill them at least once a day qualifies as motive...i think.

<3h8
R

ps. thnx for the boobies.

pps. can you make it look like an accident. thnx.

ppps. and i still want everything else i always ask for too. thnx.

pppps. if you worked for me you'd be fired by now. SLOW SERVICE, HELLO.

ppppps. i didnt mean that.

Dear R,
No killing of the accountant is allowed; accountants are specifically protected under title Omega, clause 3 of the Heaven-Hell Accord circa the year 1. Sorry. And you would end up getting blamed anyway.
You're welcome for the boobies, I modeled them after Mary Magdelene's (Hottie Alert!) Oh and too bad about the sexual positions, really. That whole, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." was referring to the fact that I had not yet released the whole set of sexual positions yet, so you guys are missing like half. Maybe when I come next time y'all won't nail me to a cross so damned quickly... Seriously, there's this one...ah, nevermind, you wouldn't understand without a demo.

Still Lovin' Ya,
Big J

P.S. Yeah, making the earth was sweet. For the record, the current earth was the 2,342,594,499th try. Dad is an effing perfectionist like you don't know.

[4a6c1]

So.... My boobies look like Mary Magdalenes.

SWEET!

Holy holy holy holy tits. Holy holy holy tits!

[SpunGirl]

Originally posted by JihnasSpirit

Best to just invite some obscure Hindi god who will bring his harem along and teach you fun things about human bendyness.

Dear Vishnu or Some Other Hindu Holy Person,

Where do I sign up for this seminar?

Yours,
Kristin

[Vixen]

Dear Kristin,

Ask Sting.

- Theallmightyauthorityonbendiness

[SpunGirl]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

-K

[Hakonne]

Originally posted by SpunGirl

Originally posted by JihnasSpirit

Best to just invite some obscure Hindi god who will bring his harem along and teach you fun things about human bendyness.



Dear Vishnu or Some Other Hindu Holy Person,

Where do I sign up for this seminar?

Yours,
Kristin

Dear Kristin,
Bg J said I could use His thread to answer this one. Seminars are all over the place. Google tantric yoga (that's what I do whenever I go to a new town...). The energy's a rush! Okay gotta go, promised Big J a tantric massage in return for the favor.

Ciao,
Shakti, Hindu Goddess of Feminine Energy

P.S. Love that title, only took fifty millenia to earn that one. That's a lot of handjobs.

[ElanthianSiren]

Dear K,

When in doubt, kama sutra.

Your Pal,
Vatsyayana err.... Jesus