Losing my son...

[The Ponzzz]

So people who know me, know my background situation. I'm not really gonna do a recap.

But tomorrow morning my exwife leaves for CA, I'm in Central NY. She has full custody and is able to do this. So now my 3 year old son get to live 3000 miles away with a soon to be new step dad that my ex makes him call "Daddy D."

I hate the court system and I hate how a single dad is treated in this society. But, it feels like my world ends tomorrow...

[Edited on 10-6-2005 by The Ponzzz]

[Skirmisher]

I'm sorry that things worked out like that for you.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be.

[Warriorbird]

I'm very sorry. My Dad's always been one of the strongest forces in my life... I know how much it would tear him up if I wasn't in his.

[The Ponzzz]

Yea... It sucks, I don't sleep much anymore, because when i do, I have nightmares.

But, before this all happened, and it was just an idea that she was gonna move, I talked to the judge handling the case and with the mediation lady that has been dealing with us.

The judge's exact words to me were, "Without even knowing the case, she's already at a 51% chance of winning." Right there I think he should lose his job. But even a lawyer told me, single women have a 1% advantage over custody.

My father was willing to help with a lawyer and to try to fight for custody, but after finding out that because I lost custody in the beginning(I worked over nights and by default she could be with him more). Not even joint... I just have visitations. But he was still with me 5 out of the 7 days in the week. Because she worked, she'd pick him up at 8 when he fell asleep and I'd work till 5am, sleep till 9am and he'd be back over...

But the lawyer wanted $5,000 to start the case, he said he would garuntee me 75 days out of the year. I currently have 65... That's alot of cash for 10 more days. He's the best in the area. But even he said, I wouldn't be able to get full unless I could get something on her to prove her unfit. And when she moves to CA, she will never havta work again(gold digger finally found a suger daddy). So right there, it's a win win for her.

So yea, rambling, but, I don't have many people on my side here anymore. My family is disgusted that I won't cough up the cash to try for joint(that's all i could fight for, forcing him to live with me 6 months and then her 6 months, which would suck for him as he got older). But yea... So all you kids that are around, and read this, and think you love that girl in highschool and yer gonna be with her forever, 10 years later, she takes yer life(yes she was my highschool sweetheart)...

[Edited on 10-6-2005 by The Ponzzz]

[HarmNone]

I'm so sorry, hon. I know the pain of this loss must be devastating for you. There's nothing I can say that will make the pain less. I only wish there was.

Keep your son alive in your heart. Write to him, and call him on the phone, if you're able. Visit when you can, or have him visit you, if possible. Sometimes, life deals us blows from which we think we can never recover. I'm sure, to you, this is one of those. I know it would be for me. The only thing we can do is to keep our love alive and do everything we can to make the best of what we have. There's always the future, and nobody knows for sure what that future holds. As long as love lives, so does hope, and you cannot ever truly lose that which is alive in your heart.

Hugs, darlin'. A candle is lit for you, and for your little guy.

[Tisket]

Move to California? I am not trying to be flip or dismissive at all. I am serious. It is in your son's best interest for his father to be in his life. You could make a life there as well. Prioritize. Does your current job hold more appeal than being near your son? I should hope not...

[Brattt8525]

If it were me I would fight for joint custody. That child needs as much of you in his life as you can possibly provide.

[Asha]

Unlucky.

Do what you gotta do.

Just don't become that old bitter divorced man living in an attic and cooking his meals from cans on a hot plate.

Sucks man, but do what you gotta do.

- Arkans

[Edited on 10-6-2005 by Arkans]

[CrystalTears]

WTF. :( I'm so so sorry. Oh man, this sucks because I know what you've gone through to care for him.

Is there any possibility for you to move to CA? You're still the child's father, it doesn't mean that you don't have every right to see him. I know it's unfair that you would have to follow them, but damn, if I were the child I'd like to know my dad was readily available. *sigh* This sucks, babe. :hug2:

[Ilvane]

I never understood the need of someone moving clear across country with a child, knowing full well the father wanted to be involved in the childs life.

I never understood women getting the priority either. I have a friend whose wife was totally irresponsible and she still got custody, when he could work and provide for the kids much better than she could. He wound up having to give her money..which she spent on herself and not the kids..grr.

I'm so sorry for your predicament, Ponzz. I hope it can be resolved some time for yourself and your child, in the best way possible.

-A

[Jadewolff]

I agree with the whole moving to CA. It may not be right away but there are jobs everywhere. Take your time and look for one there. It sucks that you have to pick up and leave a place you're comfortable with. But it's for a good reason.

Before moving to CA consider the following:

What type of work are you in?

Can you afford such a move?

What would your living arrangements be?

Do you have a job already lined up there?

Do you know the area?

Do you know anybody in the area?

If you ex-wife decides to up and move again, would you be able to afford to do it?

Don't do anything irrational.

- Arkans

[Asha]

When I first read the title of the thread, I didn't dare open it.
:(

Nothing I can say over a message board is going to help your situation but I do sympathise.
The whole ''Keeping kids away from their parents'' thing is fucking bullshit.
All in all I agree with Arkans. It's important you keep your cool and don't lose it, man.
Good luck.

[CrystalTears]

Well the moving to CA was mostly our suggestion (even though I'm sure he's thought of it), so I don't think that he would be irrational to just up and move without planning first. He's a responsible person, especially when it comes to his son. I have faith that he'll get through this and find a way to make it work. :)

[Edited on 10/6/2005 by CrystalTears]

[Tsa`ah]

There are plenty of "Father's rights" organizations and advocates. My advice would be to get in contact with a few.

When my cousin and his slut wife divorced, he pretty much kept financial responsibility during the seperation (estranged wife and child), took only his clothes and agreed to everything to keep things civil.

None of that made a difference to the judge when it came time for custody. Nor did he seem to care that the wife was the person who cheated. No matter how much of a stand up guy he was through his actions, his ex got full custody. No record of abuse, no cheating, not married to his job, active in his child's life ... and she got full custody when he just wanted things civil and an agreement of join responsibility and custody.

He fought it for over a year before he contacted a father's rights advocate and won join custody. All said and done, he could have won full custody, but he was only after what he wanted in the first place.

Some states will screw the father no matter what so you may want to talk to an advocate and, if the custody of your child is THE most important thing to you, move to a state that is more friendly to fathers in custody cases.

A suggestion is one thing, but implementing it at the drop of a hat is a very dangerous way of going about it.

If done in an incorrect manner it becomes an emotional issue and all of a sudden you're screwing yourself, your career, and your son's perception of you.

Frankly, I don't know Ponzzz, don't know his whole story, don't know the details behind his divorce, or anything even romotely close to give "good advice that suits him"

I just think telling someone to up and move to CA that is upset by events is not the best idea.

- Arkans

"I swear judge, I'm normal. Why did I move? Yeah, I know I have no job.. but I was told to by my online friends to do it!"

[HarmNone]

It's always easy to sit back in our computer chairs, secure in the knowledge that we aren't required to deal with this particular situation directly (even though some of us may have dealt with similar in the past), and give advice. However, I'm sure Ponzzz is giving consideration to all his realistic alternatives, and will do his best to find that which will best serve the situation.

All we can do is empathize, wish him well, and hope that things work out for the best.

[The Ponzzz]

Yea, I have very much considered moving out west. I can make a living easily that way, I work in advertising and marketing. She's on her way to Northern CA right now.

There are several problems, and there are several hopes right now. Before this guy, there was a scare she may have moved to Germany with her then exboyfriend who was in the army. But she woulda been back in 2 years, but not in Syracuse, NY. It would been somewhere in the midwest. That relationship lasted all of 2 months after she went and visited him there in Europe and called me crying everyday.

Her family and roots are here, it will tear her down and my guess is she'll be back in a few months. She's very likely to cheat as well. If he gets deployed to a ship for a few weeks, she'll cheat, and he will find out eventually sending her back here. She cheated on the guy in germany with him, so he knows her games.

Fighting for joint custody would be a struggle. He told me even if I lost, i would get 75 days, compared to my 65, so it wasn't just throwing money away. BUT, the kicker. I would be the sole responsible parent for airfare always for him. That would be me flying to get him, flying back, flying him home and flying back. He's too young right now to fly alone with one of those aides. That's alot of cash.

As of right now I have it set up like this. He is to come here on holidays, we split them up odd/even years.(X-mas this year she has, next year I have. easter I have him next year, and so on). She is also coming to visit her family 4 times a year for 2 weeks at a time, i will get him then as well. And in the summer he will stay with my for 3 weeks. Works out to be anywhere from 30-50 days a year.

the thing that kills me though, is she knew I wanted to watch him grow through school. She KNOWS this. It was one of those things when she was pregnant with him I would say, "Man i can't wait to get him off the bus after his first day of school." Sometimes I even think she's still testing me like were married still. But she's having someone else's baby(the father is sadly unknown as well. She's "pretty sure" it's this guy Dan's).

But yea, even moving somewhat close, like Nevada or Washington might be worth it... I <3 the east coast though...

[cajunlady]

My parents divorced when I was about 5. My dad was military and i recall doing the visitation once a year in the summer at a motel until he retired. Then he retired and lived in the state he grew up in near his family, Texas. And I was still in Illinois. So the new routine then became a once a year 3 week visit where i got to see my grandparents and other family on my Dad's side which was great. But really in hindsight, I feel I saw him too little to feel I'd developed that bond...

I don't mean to scare you, but I'm giving you the kid's possible point of view.

As soon as he started bad talking my Mom when I was 18 I kinda lost what little bond there was. Now at 36 I speak to him maybe once or twice a year.

Consider moving to California. If you lived closer, you could share holidays, some long weekends, camp with him, do father/son stuff. Go to ballgames he might play in... be dissappointed when he does bad... praise when he does good. It's so important to be if not a daily part then at least a weekly part of his life in my opinion. My dad squawked over a 200 dollar a/c unit and a dental bill, and 100 dollars a month child support. (Yes that's all he sent. My mom never pushed for the full amount he was suposed to pay as I was fed and clothed. She also never told me about the child support deal until I was in college.) I will admit I was a bit bitter that he considered me a money problem. I know he wasn't MADE of money- but why complain of it to me? (Which he did do to me at 18.)

I guess what I am trying to say here is, be near your son. Take the 5k and instead of paying a lawyer, move with it.

I'm just rambling now so I guess I'm done... good luck!

[Amber]

I know laws vary from state to state, but when I divorced in Washington, I had to show my son's father was abusive in order to obtain full custody. In most instances, they require joint custody, in which case the child can't be relocated without permission from both parents. Perhaps you can try to obtain joint custody, though I suppose that by the time such a thing would occur, your ex-wife and your son would be in California.

If you do relocate to California, yourself, perhaps you could try and obtain joint custody then. At any rate, I would request that a clause be put into effect stating that she can not move out of state without your permission. From this site http://www.womenslaw.org/CA/CA_custody.htm#16 "You cannot change the child’s residence to another state without the permission of the other parent or a court order. " So it would appear that once in CA, she'd have to stay there unless you gave permission for your son to be relocated yet again.

I know this must be the most painful thing you've ever experienced. :( Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

[Czeska]

I'm in Ohio and got full custody without batting an eye. He got legal visitation because he's a fit father.

[The Ponzzz]

Yea, she got a court order to leave here. the thing that kills me is, I didn't appear. Why? Because they never informed me she went to court and asked. She simply went in, filled out the form, met with the judge in a week and for granted the go. When I found out about this, I even asked, why wasn't I involved in this matter? They told me because it was none of my concern...

None of my concern!? But that's how it goes... I mean I had to mimic breast feeding my own son because he wouldn't latch to anything and had to use my pinky and an eye drop because he needed a special nipple that all the local stores were out of and had to do that for a 3 week time period till the order came in. How many fucking fathers would deal with that shit?

[DeV]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear about this. Truly. I always hold fathers who are there for their children and WANT to be there for them in the highest respect. I know too few. I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been given, but I will say this, never lose touch with your son whatever you do. Continue to foster the relationship in the best way you can. He's at such an age where making a move like this could certainly cause confusion. Just don't stop being there for him.

[Edited on 10-6-2005 by DeV]

[Hakonne]

Alright,
Sounds like your ex may be moving to where I live in CA, when I am in CA. I am in about the same situation (11 yr old son who lives on the other coast). I may be in a position to offer help of some sort, job references, place to stay, advice, whatever... If you like, send me a u2u, and we can get to work on what you can do about the situation. I concur that decisions made in haste are sometimes poor ones, so examine all of your options.
On a side note, one of the things I like about GS is the sense of community. I've yet to meet a GS player in person who was an ass.

Hope this helps,
Hak

[Burnt out Priestess]

I can't offer to much advice but if this is a repetive thing in her past,as you mentioned about the other guys and her family is in Syracuse or central Ny,she will eventually return if she is close to her family or if a relationship somewhere else fails,she will return to where she feels safe which is usually around family.
but thats just my perspective on it,if you ever need someone to just listen to you or what not,feel free to contact me.

[Sylvan Dreams]

If they didn't inform you about the move, it sounds like she has sole physical AND sole legal. Which really really sucks for you. Lots of times, fathers are screwed out of the physical but can still get joint legal. If it is the case and she has sole physical and legal, then in the eyes of the law, it's none of your concern.

I think moving out there is a great idea. My first instinct is to tell you to move as close as possible. Speaking from personal experience, IMO the distance (be it a huge distance or just a few blocks apart) doesn't dictate what kind of father you get to be - it just dictates how you have to do it.

When I was little, I had to spend weekends with my Dad. And my new stepmother, stepsister, and stepbrother. Being an only child used to my own space and room, you can imagine how well that went over. On those weekends, he was too busy with his new family for the most part. We rarely spoke during the week even though he lived only a few miles away. During the weekends I learned to just withdraw and do my own thing (yay gemstone! yay internet!). Now that I'm older, the only time I make the effort to call him is on holidays. Other than that, if we speak, it's because he calls and it lasts maybe 5 minutes.

On the flip side, a friend of mine moved to where I was (east coast) with his mom and his dad was in washington state. Despite the huge distance, his dad was very involved. His dad sent him calling cards so he would be able to call day or night. They spoke just about everyday on the phone. Eventually, his dad got him a computer and they IM'd or PC-called every day without fail. Then his dad got him a cellphone...then a webcam...etc. Despite his dad being so very far away physically, he was able to stay involved. I know your boy is only 3, but don't lose hope just on the distance.

[xtc]

My sympathies, fathers seemed to get screwed over regularly by the courts in Canada and the United States. I can't believe the courts would allow to her move cross country with your son by only filling out a form at the court house and that the courts aren't required to inform you.

Tsa'ah gave you some good advice. An advocacy group for fathers is a good place to start. I found this link by googling I hope it helps:

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/fathersrights/

[Mellie]

Wow... my kids dad only has visitation, but unless I'm wrong, even with sole custody, I still can't move out of the state without permission from him basically.

I would certainly look into your rights closer when it comes to having him taken so far from you.

If it turns out that she doesn't need your permission to do it, then I guess it's all about what's best for you as well as your son. I dont think that anyone should make you feel guilty for staying on the East coast if that's what you need to do in your life, and you considering your son when thinking of fighting for joint is a very good thing. Six months a year in one place, six months in another.. very confusing, especially for younger children.

You CAN be a good dad and not live near him, it's not the most ideal situation, granted, but it can be done.

I dont know you, but it does sound like you have your sons best interests in mind, as well as being responsible in thinking about what your options are and what's going to need to happen. I'd say, take a deep breathe and some time to think things through. Make sure you at least call him several times a week if not every night so he knows you're always thinking about him. It'll work out.

[The Ponzzz]

Yea, I'm looking into it more, but she signed some paper work from the judge, so she's not kidnapping...

The only thing I have is joint medical custody...

[DeV]

Originally posted by The Ponzzz
The only thing I have is joint medical custody... Does that mean you're required to maintain insurance for him until he's 18 or 24 as long as he's in college?

[Skirmisher]

Or does that mean you are allowed to make decisions regarding his health in case of an emergency?

[Chastittee]

wow ponzz so sorry to hear it. my brother in law and his wife have six kids...the two oldest are from previous relationships..one hers, one his. they're going through much the same thing, except their exes were idiots and pretty much abandoned the kids...called to talk or see them when they felt like it..sometimes not for a year or more...but once they moved out of state, both of the exes filed for custody. now its looking like victoria's father, who has called to see her once every few months or so for the last 4 years is probably going to get her for something like 8 weeks a year, plus alternating holidays and long weekends. hell, he hadnt even paid child support ever. his mom did. he paid all his back child support just to file these papers.

sometimes these courts can just be so damned wrong. my thoughts are with you. hope all goes well hun.

[Sylvan Dreams]

Originally posted by The Ponzzz
Yea, I'm looking into it more, but she signed some paper work from the judge, so she's not kidnapping...

The only thing I have is joint medical custody...

It sounds like your ex-wife has sole physical AND sole legal. If she didn't have sole legal, I don't think she'd be able to move without your consent. Dig out your paperwork on the settlement (I'm not sure if "settlement" is the appropriate word, but you know what I mean) and try to find out exactly what she has.

[Ebondale]

Years ago (I'm 25) when I was in the first grade my parents got divorced. Because the courts almost always favor women in any custody battle I was sent to live with my mother. I didn't really know what was happening at the time because I was young, but had anyone ever once sat me down and asked me who I would have liked to have lived with I would have said that I wanted to stay with my dad.

I've resented my mother ever since.

It took me until the age of 16 to actually get to move out of my mother's house and go stay with my father.

Its a damn tragedy that we live in a society where men who WANT to have custody of their children are not allowed to and instead are forced to live without them and pay money out of their pocket to support the children who they won't get to see anyway.

[Terminator X]

Your son is obviously and should be the primary concern in everyone's books. Anyone who would tell you that simply erasing yourself from your child's life at this stage of the game, as somehow being a healthy thing to do, is just a bit more than 51% wrong.

This is not an adoption and this was not your choice. You can, in years, take the appropriate steps; you, your wife and even daddy douche, have the ability to work as a team and make your son fully comprehend the situation he is in with as little pain as possible AND at the same, as the years go by, to have your child become infinitely more responsible from enduring this debacle.

It is important to remember that no matter how estranged your ex's relationship is with you, whatever amount of love, if any, is left in that "relationship," there is still godlike amounts for your boy, as you have made very clear. One of the hardest things to do, can be having to remind yourself that this isn't about you. And when you feel that you have reached some sort of of selfless Nirvana, to keep on climbing and doing everything in the world that you can for your son.

- The Termite

[The Ponzzz]

Yea, she has everything but medical, which i get to pay his copay when he goes to the doctor right now. And the reason for joint was, if he were to need to see a doctor while with me, I couldn't bring him unless I had atleast joint. Which I had to argue with her to get for roughly an hour.

It sucks, because for every WCC I went to , I signed his book. EVERY TIME, she never once came to a visit.

Top it all off, today I got some adoption papers in the mail for her Boyfriend to adobt my son after their wedding date... Obviously I'm not signing them, but this shit is all BS...

[Burnt out Priestess]

Sorry to hear on this again,but i said do what you have to do to keep in touch and to get as much time with him.

[HarmNone]

Ish. She's really trying to stick it to you, hon. You're going to have to work very hard to keep a cool head and not let your anger get in the way of your logic. I hope you've got a good attorney with whom to consult. You're going to need professional advice and backup, I'm afraid. :(