View Full Version : Exquisite Corpse
The Exquisite Corpse exercise was started by a group of artists during the height of the Surrealist movement. A paper is folded three times. One artist would draw on one panel, a second artist on the second panel and a third on the third.
Maybe this idea will fly, or maybe not, but what the heck. Lets do it with a story. Everyone just add a few lines or a couple of brief paragraphs if they are up to it. No rules meaning it can take place anywhere, anything can happen to any character, and well you get the idea.
We begin...
Joe looked up from his empty coffee cup to examine his reflection in the mirror across from the counter he was sitting at in the diner. His tie losened, 5 o'clock shadow creeping over his jaw he thought he looked tired. Then it struck him. He was tired!
Originally posted by Backlash
We begin...
Joe looked up from his empty coffee cup to examine his reflection in the mirror across from the counter he was sitting at in the diner. His tie losened, 5 o'clock shadow creeping over his jaw he thought he looked tired. Then it struck him. He was tired!
Here he was, juggling work, an office affair, a wife and two kids. Who wouldn't be tired? The thought of Mary filled him with dismay. Could he tell her what he needed to? It was like he was in a trance, his half eaten dinner congealing on his plate, when he felt someone tapping on his shoulder.
[Edited on 8-6-2005 by Vesi]
Drezzt
08-06-2005, 05:25 PM
<this has been done many times before, but it's still fun>
He looked up to see his pet tucan pecking at a bit of dandruff that had fallen on his shoulder.
"Shoo, you stupid bird" he said with a smile.
As the bird took flight, he noticed something tied to the bird's left leg.
Jorddyn
08-06-2005, 05:36 PM
He felt another tap on his shoulder, and blinked away the sleep that had overtaken him. There stood the waitress, disheveled from a long day of work, and obviously annoyed at him for taking time away from her flirting with the slightly greasy gentleman at the counter.
"I said, 'Do you need anything?'" she sighed.
"If only you knew," Joe muttered, half to himself. He stood, dropped a twenty on the table, and walked out the door.
Standing on the sidewalk, he glanced down at his watch. Half past twelve. He paused, rubbed his face, and tried to decide whether to go home and face his wife tonight. Of course, that would mean he'd have to come up with a damn good excuse for being out so late.
Joe decided to make his way to a more welcoming bed and deal with the wrath of his wife tomorrow.
So, he went to his brother's apartment where he was always welcome. The fold out sofa there was perfect for a night like tonight. However, he had lost his key and couldn't get anyone to come to the door even though he could hear music coming from inside. He decided to go try to get a look in the side window.
The scene through the window was bewildering. A lamp without a shade was flickering like a random staccato strobe light illuminating the room from complete darkness in intermittent blinks of an eye. A human figure could be seen hunched over in a corner and heaving but it was not clear if they were sobbing or vomiting. In two blinks a large dark hairy figure dashed through followed by the sound of breaking glass. Someone inside wailed loudly then screamed “SWEET MOTHER” before abruptly ending, the music becoming audible once more.
Amber
08-06-2005, 05:53 PM
"Good grief!" Joe exclaimed in a state of shock. "What on earth is Mary doing in there with my brother and what are they doing playing out MY fantasy?"
[Edited on 8-6-2005 by Amber]
Latrinsorm
08-06-2005, 06:09 PM
Joe scowled and dug in his pockets for his lighter. Giggling quietly, he opened the gas tank of his brother's car and
Jorddyn
08-06-2005, 06:21 PM
... pulled out the spare apartment key that he remembered his brother stored there.
Joe leaned back against the car, fuming. He grabbed a smoke from his shirt pocket, lit it, and inhaled sharply. As he stood and smoked, he realized that what he had seen through the window was exactly the answer he needed for his problems.
With a little acting, he could play the distraught husband and get an easy divorce. He would generously offer to let her raise the children, and in return he would keep the house, the car, and the bank account.
He smiled, tossed his cigarette into the yard, and walked to the door.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) the cigarette landed on the septic run-off in the front yard and ignited the backed up methane. As Joe strode towards the door he heard a loud “FWOOSH”, felt heat on his back and noticed his shadow on the house in front of him before it exploded from within sending glass and timber shrapnel in all directions with great balls of fire bursting through the windows!
Joe sat up suddenly, the house in front of him entirely in flames. He touched his forehead then grimaced as his fingers grazed the broken glass imbedded in his flesh. There was a loud ringing in his ears and his head felt like it was filled with dull grey damp heavy cotton.
Latrinsorm
08-06-2005, 07:30 PM
Joe laboriously pulled the dull grey damp heavy cotton from his ears. In retrospect, his brother's house would have been much less flammable had he used something besides cotton for the walls and floors, but Joe could care less. He had a new lease on life. The astounding amount of insurance money he would receive for the fiery destruction of his brother's house would allow him to start a new life, maybe even emigrate from the Communist States of Massachusetts back to the gloriously Capitalist United States of America. What the hypothetical money couldn't do, however, was stem the hemorrhaging wound in his neck. Joe smiled quietly before violently coughing, bringing a fresh gout of bloud from his ruined throat.
As he continued coughing, everything around him became surreal then turned to black. Suddenly, a chunk of his chicken that he had for dinner flew out of his mouth and he realized he was still in the resturaunt and the waitress was giving him the Heimlich maneuver. "Gosh, we thought we had lost you," she said.
Latrinsorm
08-06-2005, 11:05 PM
He turned, intending to thank his rescuer. For some reason, his neck obstinately refused to move. "Typical neck!" he tried to shout. Unfortunately for him, his vocal cords had joined the walkout on his nervous system. The waitress heaved again, compressing his torso.
"Now we're SURE we'll lose you!" she screamed as maniacal laughter joined the discordant music tinkling through the air. He managed to catch the name "Robeen" on her name tag before a third squeeze ruptured several important internal organs. As he felt the carefully tuned machinery of his viscera fall horribly awry
Drezzt
08-06-2005, 11:24 PM
Sometime later Joe found himself staring at a very bright light. From off to his left, a disembodied voice mentioned something about him. Pills. Halucinagenic pills.
He didn't remember taking any pills. That was odd. His eyes focused and he could see
that he was in a hospital. The disembodied voice belonged to someone that could only be a doctor, or perhaps a snowman with a human head. The man was quite large with beady bug-out eyes. Joe eyed the monitors with suspicion as they continued their rythmic 'beep' undisturbed. Bothersome. Bothered his head.
Still felt wrapped in cotton.
Cotton candy.
Funny snowman doctors, everyone's a comedian.
He reached up to touch his head and found his arms were bound.
Glancing toward the metallic bedrail, he saw that his head was wrapped in gauze. Fitting too, because it hurt like hell.
"Great. Add this to my list of issues for my psychiatrist" he tried to mutter, but all that
escaped was a hoarse croak.
The comedian snowman must have heard because he immediately turned those beady eyes on Joe.
[Edited on 8-7-2005 by Drezzt]
"Hey, you are my psychiatrist." croaked Joe as the comedian/snowman/psychiatrist wavered in his vision. His eyes looked like watermelon seeds, for which Joe had a craving, so he waited on the snowman image and plucked the seedy eye out and ate it with relish. Joe just loved roasted watermelon seeds. He wondered where all that horrible screaming was coming from...
Joe lapsed in and out of consciousness for many days, his subconscious constructing or perhaps flushing itself of significant memories of his past. He finally awoke in a hospital bed... stiff white sheets, florescent lights, an oddly comforting monotonous ping from an expensive machine beside him, the faint smell of alcohol mixed with cleaning agents. How long had he been in bed?
As Joe tried to piece together the fragments of his memory he found it was to no avail. He wasn’t even sure what state he was in. He touched the bandage around his head with a horrible realization. He lost his memory.
Just then a nurse walked in. She was not noticeable at first, but when she leaned over him to fiddle with the expensive machine, he got a clear view of her full round breasts cradled in what could not be an hospital issue bra along with the faint smell of jasmine.
“Thank you.. nurse eh...?”
She straightened herself and looked him up and down cooly. Despite the institutional uniform she was actually quite beautiful. And obviously confident as she replied smoothly with barely a hint of a lift to her left eyebrow.
“Nadia. You are looking better Mr...?”
Joe’s eyes met with an instinctual reciprocation of please with Nadia’s after having examined her form. He cocked a half knowing smile.
“Well, you see, I can’t remember.”
Nadia almost displayed a look of concern before she asked, “Well, what do you remember?”
Joe’s bedsheet began to grow. Embarassingly he shifted a little, still with the half grin and blushing. “Uh nurse I seem to have a bit of swelling. Do you know any remedies?”
Nadia turned her back on Joe. She walked back to a table by the door and arranged a few items on it. She turned her head towards the door, glanced back at Joe, then opened it and stepped outside.
The door reopened with Nadia’s return. She latched the door then turned back around and approached him slowly.
With a half smile of her own she replied, “Of course I know a cure.” before removing her silly nurse hat to allow her long hair to cascade around her heart shaped half smirking face.
[Edited on 8-7-2005 by Backlash]
Terminator X
08-07-2005, 07:29 PM
"Damn," muttered Joe, as...
Originally posted by Terminator X
"Damn," muttered Joe, as...
as... as the music started!
bow chica bow bow chica
Drezzt
08-07-2005, 09:51 PM
and someone yelled "Hot Set, Roll Camera" from nearby..
ElanthianSiren
08-07-2005, 11:22 PM
Exploding in washes of lime green, flourescent orange, and pulsing ulcer-red, the nurse's mounds jiggled like psychadellic finger food on a symphony platter of electronic porn. Narrowed into black club-like ovals beneath a sloped white card of a brow, colors bled from pupils that rapidly disappeared then resurfaced within a cradle of scant eyelashes.
His hips reacted to the music and her gyrations, lifting wildly, until her face cleared further in his drugged haze. Robeen was back! ...complete with tumbling black waves and those luscious baby pink lips. His tongue extended like a coy reptile, testing the air with a rattle snake shake back and forth.
"I want you to have my babies, Robeen! ...And make my balogna and swiss cheese sandwhich dinners! I need you so badly," he gasped around the bandage.
..............................................
The clock beside the bed ticked each second like a little miniature version of speed racer on meth. Mary lay on her slender side, her russet hair wisking across the locust shell of her brittle back. Her chest rose evenly under her papery-armor of terricloth.
Joe grabbed the .22 from the dresser beside the bed. He tilted it to the side, gazing at the smooth barrel, the luscious dark shaft, and the insect-black ripples along the grip.
He cocked the hammer, and leant away from her, preparing for the bitter sweep of powder, the deafening explosion. She was fucking his brother! -His own flesh and blood!
He lowered the gun to the sheets and hastily unscrewed the top of the oxyconton bottle. Sweat gleamed over his shaking fingers and dripped down the pulse of his temples. Like the combined remnants of jiggsaw puzzles, his mind mashed together the scenes. Was his marriage real? His kids? Christ, was he real?
He downed one of the small pills, then another, lifting the gun barrel shakily again and pointing it at Mary's slumbering head.
"Daddy...?" whimpered the quiet reverberation from the golden-haloed doorway.
Apathy
08-07-2005, 11:55 PM
Joe's body snapped back into reality, the anarchy of sleep dismissed. How long had he been asleep? Where was he? There were no clues to be had, no landmarks to see. The cement was cold, almost damp to the touch. His clothes smelled like cheap brandy, and his mouth tasted like cigarettes.
Joe rubbed his eyes for a moment and stood up, the world right behind him. The street light flickered off, on, off, on. There was no noise. The store behind him had lights on, but no sign of anyone else inside, not even a car in the parking lot. No houses, no sounds, nothing. He opened his pint of brandy and finished off the dregs of the bottle.
Joe reached in his pocket, to use his cell phone. To hell with roaming, he needed help now. Something else was in his pocket, something metallic, something cold.
Joe's hand grasped...
Joe's hand grasped...
His harmonica! Relief flooded his body as he realized the harp he thought he lost was in his pocket the whole time. Quickly he grabbed it and brought it to his lips, the blues melody already thumping in his head. Right as he started playing, a shadow fell over his shoulder.
Latrinsorm
08-08-2005, 11:48 AM
"Howdy, pard." came a slow twang from over his shoulder. Joe cautiously examined the visitor. He was extremely effeminite in appearance, only the bulge at his throat giving away his gender. Joe casually rested his hand on the release of the switchblade hidden in his harmonica and nodded.
"I'm Joe."
"The name's Robin. Y'all seen anyone around these parts?"
Joe shook his head, trying not to stare at the bulge at Robin's hip. The stranger grinned and drew his revolver with blinding speed.
"Say Joe, you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
Joe tried to will himself back to his peaceful home, his mundane affair, his beautiful daughters, but the slugs stubbornly continued destroying his lungs, shattering his spine on their triumphant exit. As Robin fired a few celebratory shots into the air...
Skeeter
08-08-2005, 12:08 PM
Joe's eyes jerked open as he shot to a sitting position gasping for breath. How the fuck do I keep ending up on this floor, and who the fuck keeps drugging me, Joe thought.
"Fuck me," Jim stated while grasping his pounding head.
"My fucking head hurts so much I must have a fucking tumor."
Jim pondered picking himself back up off the floor when...
[Edited on 8-8-2005 by Skeeter]
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 12:21 PM
...he suddenly saw a large muscular figure standing in front of him. Joe stared at the figure wondering what would happen next. He reached for the switchblade in his harmonica but was quickly stopped by the hulking man. Joe began to sweat profusely when the man held him down. He slowly leaned over to Joe's ear and whispered "It's not a toomah."
[Edited on 8-8-2005 by Doyle Hargraves]
Warriorbird
08-08-2005, 01:35 PM
You ever have one of those mornings? Well, they usually aren't mornings in particular. You wake up, and your skin smells precisely like vanilla wafers. Why? The night before you've had too much caffeine. Your mouth also has the vanilla wafer aftertaste, and if you lick your skin, you got it, vanilla wafers.
Joe had it worse than you've ever had. A night filled with mescaline, ephedra, caffeine, and constant replays of those videos he made with Robin. That left the heady afterpain of chafing along with the unpleasant tequila flavor of mescal as well at the whole vanilla wafer notion.
He lifted his head off the bed with one hand and was gratified to find that he hadn't thrown up. It was a Saturday. Those used to be his favorite days, before...
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 02:21 PM
...Muppet Babies went off the air. Joe promised himself when he was a child that one day, somehow, somewhere, he would find out who "Nanny" was and reassure himself that she really was more than a pair of legs wearing green and white stockings.
Joe decided that a drink would be just the thing to help him deal with all the crazy things happening to him. He walked around the corner and entered a dimly lit, smoke filled bar and asked for a bottle of whiskey. He took the bottle and poured himself a shot, and quickly drank it. As he was pouring himself another, he looked to his left and saw...
[Edited on 8-8-2005 by Doyle Hargraves]
Warriorbird
08-08-2005, 03:02 PM
Her. There she was. She had such legs and between them?!? He loved camel toes. He sat there and watched for a couple of minutes. Her green and white stockings were even more stunning in person. Then he came to the conclusion that the woman had to be something to the order of seven feet tall and he ripped his eyes away. This way not the time to explore his childhood fantasies. He'd come to the nation's capital to write a newspaper story, a story about...
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 03:54 PM
...edible chocolate underwear. Joe had always enjoyed involving food in his sex life, and his ex-wife loved chocolate. Joe could never get his wife into food with sex, until one hot summer day he came home from a long day at work, still upset that the air conditioner repairman hadn't showed up. Joe was in quite a foul mood until he walked into the bedroom, only to find his wife lying across the bed waiting for him wearing nothing but whipped cream and, unbeknownst to him, a pair of crotchless edible chocolate underwear. Joe couldn't be more excited at the sight of his wife covered in whipped cream. In fact, he was so excited that he ripped his clothes off and dove onto the bed and began licking his wife from head to toe. His wife quickly became very excited by Joe's enthusiasm, and his licking got her hot. Really hot. So hot, in fact, that she didn't realize her new edible lingerie was beginning to melt. Joe began to slowly lick his way up the back of her thighs until he noticed a brown trickle running down her leg. Joe immediately vomited all over his wife's buttocks, which...
ElanthianSiren
08-08-2005, 04:00 PM
...prompted him to realize that maybe he should write about something normal instead. Something like -- Baseball!
The American passtime! The American Dream! -Even though it was December and his ass was practically frozen like a denim-covered bananna to the cold metal club chair.
He continued to watch Nanny in her stockings, groaning in exquisite pleasure at the seven foot tall giant after his hot remembrance of the chocolate thong scene. She'd dance so much better dead though, hanging by an electrical chord from a dark piney rafter. In addition to the taste of wafers, he tasted pine now... or had they used Pinesol on the floor?
The Story, though! That was what mattered!
He gnawed his lip thoughtfully, gazing into the chartreuse green of the dancer's stockings, then swirling a liquid of the same hue in his glass. He downed it in one quick gulp, alcohol burning the side of his mouth and his stubbly jaw.
A violent wrench shoved his pad of paper away, and he doodled on it, considering writing instead about a man named Joe.
"Yea," he thought... "...a man who catches his bitch of a wife screwing his brother and decides to take revenge. Maybe he's a porn star too!"
He tapped the pen over the paper like the thud of a bird heart, fast and chaotic. Surely, that would be more entertaining than the fucking Mets.
[edited because quick draw beat me too it]
[Edited on Mon, August th, 2005 by ElanthianSiren]
Warriorbird
08-08-2005, 04:42 PM
And oh, oh, what fucking Mets they were. They filled the entire bar with their steroid-fueled love. He had to focus. He had to find clarity! What he found, instead, was...
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 04:46 PM
A new car! That's right Bob, a 2005 Toyota Camry, fully loaded with power windows, anti-lock brakes and heated seats. Joe was so excited that as he ran towards his new car he...
ElanthianSiren
08-08-2005, 04:51 PM
Tripped over a ding in the cheesy concrete club steps and went flying face-first into it.
Alarms sounded, bells whistled, and Bob made the sad puppy face at the camera.
"And now for a word from our sponsers," was the last thing he heard before...
Drezzt
08-08-2005, 04:53 PM
He Picked his nose!
With wild abandon he mined for gold in the deepest reaches of his left nostril. He felt that good feeling like when you get a Qtip to hit just the right place in your ear, only better.
He removed his finger and ....
<edited because the Elanthian hottie beat me to the punch>
[Edited on 8-8-2005 by Drezzt]
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 05:09 PM
...dropped it on the ground. Joe always thought having ten fingers was overrated. He placed the finger in a box and mailed it to...
ElanthianSiren
08-08-2005, 05:16 PM
President Bush.
With it, he attached a short note covered with blood and drooled all over the neat manilla envelope, making the shuddery black script run:
'"If you don't surrender the White House," Jenna dies!'
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 07:02 PM
"Oh no! What have they done with my Jenna!?" screamed the President.
"Nothing dad I'm right here," said Jenna from behind him.
"Oh, there you are. I thought they kidnapped you!" said George as he began to fan himself with the note, only to notice the words 'Just kidding' written on the back. "Well that's a relief, but now what am I going to do with this finger?" he said. Just then, the telephone rang.
"Hello, White House, may I help you?" asked Jenna as she answered the phone. "Dad, it's for you, it's a Mr. Clinton."
"Great, just the man I needed to speak with. Hello Bill? Yeah, G.W. here. Listen, I have this finger someone sent me in the mail and I don't know what to do with it. What do you think?"
"Well George....
[Edited on 8-8-2005 by Doyle Hargraves]
Amber
08-08-2005, 07:44 PM
"I hear if you toss a finger in a bowl of chili at Wendy's and tell them you found it there you get lots of publicity. Thought about doing something like that?" Clinton asked.
ElanthianSiren
08-08-2005, 07:55 PM
Joe was amazed at what he was hearing! Apparently, his jaunt with Robeen had given him the supreme, extra super duper ability to tune into the brain waves of others.
As he cooled his finger in a bowl of Wendy's extra spicy chili, he felt the President's reaction to Mr. Clinton's words. He chortled to himself and spun out of the wendy's, chili and blood dribbling from his finger as he headed toward the local bus stop.
There, the riderships thoughts consumed him, whispering....
Latrinsorm
08-08-2005, 08:31 PM
"Check out this mothafucka. CHECK OUT THIS MOTHAFUCKA!"
Joe had inadvertently picked up the thoughts of a male driver who, upon being cut off, decided to express his displeasure with a brief fusillade of .38 caliber ammunition. Joe watched in morbid fascination as the normally chaotic traffic degenerated into bloody mayhem.
"This seat taken?" said...
Doyle Hargraves
08-08-2005, 11:43 PM
...a large mound of flesh marinated in sweat as he plopped his massive ass cheeks in the chair before the little old lady next to him could answer.
"Someone should really teach you some manners, sonny." said the little old lady.
The mound of flesh, after stuffing an entire blueberry muffin in his mouth and washing it down with Crisco straight out of the bottle, glanced at the little old lady and replied, "Yeah, well...
Joe floored the accelerator with meniacal laughter sending his finger food flying all over his chest. All these voices were too much! Eyes wide with the lights of on coming traffic, he swerved hard aiming for the embankment of a nearby river. A woodhorse bariccaded on ramp to a bridge over the river didn’t stop Joe. In fact, niether did the portapotty, half the contractors office and a stack of spooled wire. Through the craked windshield he could see his last obsticle, a stack of boxes labeled TNT.
A brilliant flash reflected across the water. A deafening BOOM shattered nearby windows. The car, propelled hundreds of yards upwards through a small mushroom cloud, over shot the opposite bank of the river and went straight through the roof of the local convention center where they were holding the National Scrabble Competition.
Warriorbird
08-09-2005, 10:51 AM
"This was one hell of a movie, baby!" Joe though as he flew threw the air, falling free from the car. He knew terminal velocity would kill him as he hit, but what he didn't expect was...
AnticorRifling
08-09-2005, 11:07 AM
was...the screaming alarm clock jarring him back from the depths of his twisted sub consious. He thought to himself "What a twisted dream." Getting out of bed and heading towards the bathroom he looked in the mirror and told his reflection "No more 1AM Taco Bell binges for this guy...and who the hell is Joe?"
Latrinsorm
08-09-2005, 12:13 PM
Geoff began his customary morning ritual: eat, shower, brush his teeth, check on the elderly German man he kept locked in a closet, shave, get his keys, back his El Camino out of the driveway, run over the neighbors' mailboxes, put his car back in the driveway, ingest 12 pounds of marijuana ("For my glaucoma!" he said aloud), and stare at the blinds on his window. Today, however, the white plastic seemed a bit...
Skeeter
08-09-2005, 12:26 PM
Beef Wellington. But Fuck it he thought, as he went out to procure some Man Chowder...
But because of all the pot he smoked for his glaucoma, he went instead to Taco Bell and got one of everything on the menu. On his way home he remembered he had forgotten to get...
Doyle Hargraves
08-09-2005, 07:32 PM
...laid. Geoff turned his car around immediately and headed over to Miss Jeanine's Massage Parlor & Calculus tutoring, where he is a frequent customer. He walked through the front door and towards the front desk, when he bumped into...
Mary from his dreams about Joe. He freaked out. If Mary could be real then Joe must be real. Slowly, he started to remember a fishing trip he went on with his family when he was 12.
Standing on the bank young Geoff could smell the moistend mud along the algae filled waters of Lake Tittymuckmuck. Summers at the Lake drew many Winebagos full of families for swimming, fishing and camping under the stars.
Geoff squatted down on his staked out section of lakeside with his rod clutched under one arm, the hook carefully held in his other hand. He took the worm from the bucket next to him and split it on the hook, just like his father had shown him. He looked around to make sure his mother was in visual range. She was near the Winebago tending the Weber grill.
Satisfied with the worms position on the hook and that his mom was in shouting distance, Geoff stood, one sock saging down his left ankle. He swung his arm back, finger lightly on the fishing line, and cast his baited hook with all his strength. The reel buzzed for a long time. It was a perfect cast! But there was something large on the end of the line... it wasn’t the worm. It looked like a bunny eared hat?
Geoff spun around at the sound of a screech just in time to see Mrs. Fleesterberger’s horrified screaming face and her large sagging freckled old bare breasts hanging down to her knees.
Leetahkin
08-10-2005, 01:44 PM
What really caught Geoff's eye was the girl huddled behind Mrs. Fleesterberger, holding her hands to her head where her hat was a moment ago.
Her toes reflexively dug in the mud as she shrank further behind the old lady, daring to peek at Geoff only when she thought he wasn't looking.
Coming out of his reverie, he breathed "Mary" through a choked breath. He had forgotten the first time he had laid eyes on her.
[Damn, spelled Mary wrong]
[Edited on 8-10-2005 by Nobody Cares]
Wait, he was confused. Mary hadn't been wearing a hat. The thing at the end of his hook was Mrs. Fleesterberger's bra. To cover his embarrassment, he screamed, "I'm blind!" and dropped to his knees. He heard his mother calling his name and someone angrily yelling in German.
Latrinsorm
08-10-2005, 07:12 PM
"Yes, Leftenant, I know." Geoff sighed quietly as he prostrated himself towards Washington D.C. and began to...
ElanthianSiren
08-10-2005, 07:44 PM
arrange the matches he brought along for his fishing trip. The withered bratwurst, breast deep in water, and her warthog-like shouts of humiliation nearly forgotten, he squatted in the dirt, meticulously stacking and reinforcing an ant-sized log cabin with leaves, dirt, and deer shit.
He had constructed a nice domacile, when....
Latrinsorm
08-10-2005, 07:50 PM
as one would expect, the matches ignited in a deer-y puff of flame. Geoff's initial reaction was displeasure at the loss of the profits he would have made from a faerie condominium, but this was quickly replaced with screams of pain as his eyes boiled in their sockets. It seemed the deer had been eating mostly gasoline for the past few days, or maybe Mary and that oddly shaped red jug had something to do with it. Either way, the remnants of Geoff's eyes did little to put out the blaze below, resulting in severe blistering across Geoff's...
Doyle Hargraves
08-10-2005, 08:48 PM
...easel. What a magnificent painting this had been. He had never been able to quite capture the look of flaming deer feces and boiling eyeballs with fingerpaints, but this time he'd nailed them both. He was so magnificently impressed with his work that he...
Terminator X
08-11-2005, 03:21 AM
"Damn. Damn." Muttered Joe as...
Doyle Hargraves
08-11-2005, 05:16 AM
...he soiled himself due to being so excited over his painting. "Now I have to change my shorts."
Joe walked upstairs to the 3nd floor in his single story house and made his way over to the closet to get a new pair of shorts. As he opened the top drawer, he was shocked to find...
Apathy
08-11-2005, 11:30 AM
that someone had stolen his stash! Joe always kept at least a half pound of marijuana in his underwear drawer, right underneath the blue polka dot boxers with a tear in the right leg. Suddenly Joe began to panic and check his other hiding spots.
He ran across the room to check in the air conditioning vent; the hookah was gone! Cold sweat began to pour down Joe's face, and the scent of dirty underwear was getting to be overpowering. Joe decided to completely strip and rid himself of the dirty clothes via the window.
Buck naked, Joe went to his nightstand to make a quick drink and recollect his thoughts. He shut his eyes and enjoyed the liquor coursing through his veins.
When he opened his eyes his home had changed. All the colors were blurred and bled into each other breaking any order possible. There was a giant mushroom in front of him, possibly shiitake but more likely a portabella. Joe could not believe the size of this 'shroom, and stared at it gap-jawwed and wide eyed with amazement until he looked at the cap.
Sitting on the cap was a massive caterpillar, and he was smoking Joe's weed out of Joe's hookah!
The Caterpillar and Joe looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed him in a languid, sleepy, completely stoned voice.
"Who are you?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Joe replied, shyly, "...
“Uh... Joe.”
The Caterpiller took a deep drag from the hooka, the cherry atop the slender brass tower bathing its eyes in a crimson light. (Though they were definitely crimson before hand) Pausing, he exhaled smoke rings of unimaginable complexity... a rocking horse, a mountain view reflected in a lake, the double-helix of a DNA stand, ? and a small galaxy before replying... ”You know what you have to do, Joseph..“ gesturing languidly to opposite sides of its fungal perch.
Doyle Hargraves
08-12-2005, 05:11 AM
"No I don't. What?" Joe replied.
The Caterpillar crossed its eyes in an expression of utter revulsion at Joe’s inadequacy. It took a few puffs of the hooka, searched around itself, then pushed a little red button causing the floor to open up below Joe to cast him into a pit of fire never to be see again for ever.
The Caterpillar inhaled deeply, but the cherry went out. “Fuck” it said as it searched around once more. Absentmindedly it yelled, “NEXT!”
Latrinsorm
08-12-2005, 10:54 AM
Mary stumbled in, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. Where'd Joe go? And how the hell did this mushroom get here? Mary grabbed her trusty broom and swept the fungus, caterpillar and all, into the rubbish heap. As she began to wake up, she realized that keeping a pile of garbage in the corner of the bathroom probably contributed to the infestation of...
Doyle Hargraves
08-12-2005, 12:55 PM
...illegal aliens in her bathtub. This would be the third time this week she's had to call immigration, and the 36th time this year. "How do you people keep getting into my house?" she asked.
They all stared at each other in confusion, obviously not able to understand what she was saying. After a few moments, the oldest one stood up and walked over to Mary. He was rather heavy set, and smelled of raw sewage. Mary cringed at the stench he was emitting, and she could swear she saw green smoke oozing out of his pores, but then dismissed the idea, as she was still hazy from her sleep. "Okay," the man sighed, "I show you." as he walked over to the bathtub and began fiddling with the shower knobs, slowly turning them back and forth as if he were trying to crack open a safe. After a few seconds, Mary watched in astonishment as the man reached two fingers into the drain and after a few tugs, removed a rather large square section of the bathtub around the drain, revealing a hole big enough for just about anyone to fit in, and a ladder that went down as far as she could see before disappearing into the blackness. Mary gasped, but as she opened her mouth to speak, two more small immigrants popped their heads out of the newly discovered passage in the bathtub, and walked to the corner to join the others before she could say anything. "Now you know. Please no tell anyone." the man pleaded.
"But where does it go?" she asked. Before waiting for the man to answer, she naturally began to climb down the ladder to see for herself.
"Wait!" the man exclaimed, but Mary was already too far down the ladder to hear him. After climbing down what seemed like a thousand steps, Mary finally reached the bottom with a 'sploosh' .
"It's a good thing I carry my high powered flashlight with me everywhere I go." Mary said to herself as she turned the flashlight on and immediately saw...
Jolena
08-12-2005, 01:10 PM
"Joe!" she gasped out, her face full of joy for just a moment before it changed to complete revulsion as she noticed that he..
4a6c1
08-12-2005, 01:15 PM
Had died. Robin totally came out of nowhere and she was wearing ninja gear and doing cartwheels (for no reason). Except the ninja gear was multicolored and had fuzzy balls as buttons on the front. and she was wearing a squeeky red honker nose and she honked her nose and then busted a cap in Joes fucking emo ass with her particolored Remington rifle and then said BAM BAM BITCH and ran away real pansy-like.
THE END.
Jolena
08-12-2005, 01:19 PM
:clap: Welcome back Robeen!
*so totally not part of the story, sorry. Just had to say hihihi to my favorite psychotic lady*
Latrinsorm
08-12-2005, 06:40 PM
As Robin ran and ran, her breasts flopped comically in her poorly tailored ninja suit. The passing sewer rats found the jiggling boobage quite enticing and soon Robin was a veritable Pied Piper(ette?), leading thousands of rats to the surface. Anyone getting to close to Robin was horribly mutilated by hundreds of plague-ridden claws and teeth. Robin slowed to a jog as she...
Saw a table of old books! Mesmerized she started thumbing through them only to discover they were all written in a language she could not read. Did this discourage her?
Latrinsorm
08-12-2005, 07:36 PM
Of course not! Chittering animatedly, she sent her rat horde forth. Robin ignored the livid shopkeeper as she stuffed the rare books into her secret ninja pouches (mostly consisting of her spiked mail purse) and stealthily sneaked away. Unfortunately for her, it was 2 in the afternoon in February... in Anchorage. Her all black outfit, spattered with Joe's blood and brain tissue, did little to conceal her from the piercing gazes of the nearby Dark Elven Sorcerers.
>
Arkans just skipped in.
>
Robin stares at Arkans.
>
Arkans giggles.
>
Arkans just gave Robin a lick!
>
Robin...
was distracted by the Amunet. Someone was selling a mithril blade of black death with crit flares and unlimited charges for 1 silver.
Arkans took the opportunity. He giggled like a little school girl as he whipped out, thats right, an implosion on her sorry distracted ass.
So pleased with himself he turned his eyelinered eyes towards his slender hand. Inspecting his nails, he flared his nostrils and let out a shriek as he discovered one of them had a slightly rough edge.
“Ezmerelda!” he exclaimed as he laid the back of the wreck of a manicure across his tender brow.
Terminator X
08-12-2005, 11:54 PM
There was a long pause, suddenly...
4a6c1
08-13-2005, 12:11 AM
(ROFL. Oh bloody hell. )
"....A monkey came out of nowhere and said something in brazilian portuguese. Then he made this face:
:baby:
Arkans giggled again and said, 'HELLO MONKEY. WILL U BE MY FREND?'
Meanwhile, ninja Robin had totally already started backing slowly away from the Arkans, afraid it might give her a makeover."
Doyle Hargraves
08-13-2005, 04:03 PM
"Of course I will be your friend!" said the monkey. "I want to adopt you too. Hey everybody, I want you all to meet my super kid, Arkans! Huge hugs to Arkans everybody!"
Arkans looked at the monkey in sheer terror, which quickly turned to anger, which then turned into...
true love. Arkans blushed and turned his eyelinered eyes away. The monkey sensed Arkans reluctant attraction and did not look him directly in the eyes. The monkey, obviously in the control aspect of the situation took out a smoke and lit it aloofly.
Arkans’ felt his face heat up. He knew his body was reacting beyond his control, but he put on a brave face and confronted the monkey eye-to-eye.
“You bastard and your monkeyness!” Arkans screamed.
The monkey glanced up from his cigarette for a moment, exhaled, then pulled out a gun and shot Arkans right in the head. The money packed his piece back into his furry monkey pocket, took another drag, exhaled, then whispered to his monkey self, “How do I get into these situations?”
Doyle Hargraves
08-14-2005, 02:04 PM
The monkey took another drag of his cigarette. He turned around to walk off when the sight of ninja Robin reminded him that she was still there. "You go with me." said the monkey has he clubbed Robin over the head with a hammer, threw her over his shoulder and climbed the ladder. Much to his surprise, when he reached the top he didn't find himself in the bathtub, but rather at what seemed the construction site of a large metal frame building. It was a rather poorly built building, as the floors were obviously nowhere near level, but rather each one slanted up at a slight angle. He looked down the road and saw a short fat man with a thick mustache and blue overalls running his way, yelling something in a heavy accent, but he couldn't make out what he was saying.
"This be no goods." said the monkey to himself. "We go up here, keep fat man away." as he began to climb to the very top of the building. Upon reaching the He looked down and saw the fat mustached man start making his way up the building. "What now?" he asked himself, scratching his head. He leaned his elbow against a large drum barrel to ponder the situation, when the barrel suddenly gave way and began rolling down the slopes of the uneven buildings, and he noticed they were heading straight towards the fat man in pursuit. "Har har, me are smart see?" he praised himself as he watched the barrel gaining more and more speed as it rolled towards the fat man who was quickly making progress up the building. To the monkey's dismay, the fat man who, by his appearance, seemed incapable of even running leaped high into the air and right over the barrel, and the barrel continued its course to the very bottom of the building.
This show of defiance angered the monkey. He began hurling more barrels down the building one after another. Eventually.....
ElanthianSiren
08-14-2005, 05:32 PM
Luigii overcame him, one upping his ass worse than that one guy's avatar, whose name I can't recall.
It was animated Godzilla, as Luigii grabbed Robeen by her Ningette suit and pulled her into a long passionate kiss. Her spiked purse of doom cut into his plumbing overalls, exposing his whitey tighties beneath.
Just then a tiny martian wearing a scooter helmet and thick goggles sped floating in, chittering BAM BAM, and Robeen glanced down at her rescuer's boxerless self before she....
-M
edited for clarity
[Edited on Sun, August th, 2005 by ElanthianSiren]
Doyle Hargraves
08-14-2005, 05:50 PM
...looked at her monitor in disbelief because Windows just crashed. All that hard work on her new programming class project down the drain. She began to type away at her keyboard in hopes of saving the hours and hours worth of work Windows was taking away from her, to no avail. She started to grow frustrated and began typing harder and faster. Making no progress, her anger began getting the better of her as she began hitting her keyboard with both hands. Now infuriated at Mr. Gates and what his unreliable software had caused her to lose, Robeen lost control and was hitting her keyboard so hard that her hands literally exploded. She didn't care. She continued pounding away at her keyboard with her bloody stumps which were growing shorter and shorter. After a few moments, Robeen had no arms left. She began beating her head against her keyboard vigorously. *WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM* as bones were breaking and chunks of flesh were falling off, blood splattering all over the place. *WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM* again and again as an eyeball dangled out of its socket and then flew out of her head, landing in the corner. Soon after, the next one followed, and with one final bone shattering *WHAM*, she sat up straight for a second, dazed or perhaps unconscious, her face a bloody pulp, and then fell face first onto her keyboard with one final *SPLAT*, never to move again.
Thirty minutes later, there was a knock on her door...
[Edited on 8-14-2005 by Doyle Hargraves]
Terminator X
08-15-2005, 12:52 AM
"Knock, knock," sounded the knock.
Jolena
08-15-2005, 01:06 AM
Yawning languidly, Robin sat up at her computer desk and gazed about the room in sleep-induced confusion for a moment. Glancing down at her hands, she flexed her fingertips, making sure they were still intact. Reaching over to her desk drawer, she snatched out a compact mirror and examined her face for any marks. "Hmm.." she thought to herself as she shook away the last of her sleepiness. "I must have had one hell of a dream..", she said out loud as she glanced at her computer for a moment and then down at her programming notes.
"Ah well," she again said out loud and walked to the door, scratching her ass and adjusting her hair to make herself presentable. Peering through the peephole in the door, she called out "Whoooo is it?".
4a6c1
08-15-2005, 01:20 AM
"Its me", said a sweet voice. Jesus was at the door.
BTW, HAHA. I CAUGHT YOU ALL IN LIES. I CANT PROGRAM TO SAVE MY LIFE.
"Give me a second, for Christ sakes." she said.
"By my sake, you have a second," said Jesus.
As Robin started to open the door, her eye fell upon...
Latrinsorm
08-15-2005, 10:43 AM
Jesus' five inch pump heels.
Robin blinked.
"You said they were for Mary Magdalene!!"
Jesus blushed suddenly.
"Oh, uh.. gotta go, peace be with you!!"
And with a POOF of magickal goodness, Jesus was gone.
"That's the last time I lend shoes to a deity!" Robin thought to herself as she...
Doyle Hargraves
08-17-2005, 11:14 AM
...went back to writing her novel. "Hmm, now I have to think of a good plot twist, and I've exausted the thing about waking up from a weird dream. Aha, I have it!" she said as she....
woke up from a weird dream about writing a novel where she woke up from a weird dream about writing a novel where she woke up from a weird dream about writing a novel where she woke up from a weird dream about...
Doyle Hargraves
08-17-2005, 12:29 PM
...masturbating with a telephone pole.
"Wow!" she said to herself. "That was....
Jolena
08-17-2005, 12:30 PM
"Really stupid! I'd have long splinters in my thighs, and although I thrive on the pain and overall evilness that idea conveys, it's not so fun when it's on me!"
Doyle Hargraves
08-17-2005, 01:58 PM
"Perhaps next time I'll try a fire hydrant. They're much smoother." as she walked down the sidewalk looking for the nearest hydrant, which she found within a few minutes. Unfortunately, there was a long line of dogs waiting to use the hydrant.
"Oh well, maybe another day when it's not so....HEY!" she belted out as something whizzed by her head, hit the building behind her and fell to the ground. Curiously she walked over to see what it was. She bent down to inspect it when....
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