Help with something?

[Vixen]

Okay, this is a real life blah situation, so if you don't care about stuff like that read no further, it wont hurt my feelings... but heres the situation.

I've been taking care of my grandfather for almost a year now, the whole time I was pregnant, and supposed to be on bedrest, I was driving him around, paying his bills, getting his meds straight, getting him to appointments, and what have you.
He's fallen many times, after which I have had to mop up the blood and bandage him up. Things have gone from bad to worse

Now I have a newborn, and its getting even worse now. I'm being called 8 to 10 times a day to pour him coffee. ( I live right next door) Or to help him get to the bathroom or whatever else he needs, AND trying to work, and trying to take care of my baby.
Yesterday I had to call an ambulance because now he cant even walk with his walker, he cannot hold himself up. And a wheelchair wont help because he has a torn rotator thingie and they wont operate on it because of his age.

He'll be in the hospital at least through the weekend, and the doctor is talking about him needing to go into a nursing facility. My dilemma is, do I go with that, and let them put him somewhere, and have him be hurt and upset that hes away from his home. Or do I try and take care of him myself in the capacity that I can. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just honestly dont know what the right choice is. So I guess my question is, if it were you, what would you do?

Sorry for the longwindedness....

[Warriorbird]

If you feel he would be better taken care of elsewhere, it might be a good decision. You have to think of your child too.

I know my grandmother was better suited to staying at home, but I know my wife's grandmother will be much happier with the help she needs.

[Jadewolff]

Well, is there any way you can reason with your grandfather about it as well? That way he'll feel less hurt? I can understand why he would be hurt at the thought of strangers taking care of him, but still...

I'm assuming he understands that you have a newborn and that's a lot of work. If you did have any options or choices, you would totally be there for him (as you have been) but the situation now is one that you can't really help with. Do you think he would be able to see it as that.

Oh, and I think it's unfair to call yourself selfish when you're putting your newborn's needs above your grandfather's if that's even the case. Not to mention your health could suffer (with all the stress) which in turn would fall over on to your baby. The fact that you're worried about him, that you put yourself out time and time again for the past year, shows that you're not selfish at all.

It's a tough decision and a horrible situation for your grandfather to be in. But I would think that even he would want you to put your newborn's needs above his.

[Sean of the Thread]

If you are going to have to pay for the nursing facility why not just pay to get him an in home aid.

[Vixen]

We already looked into getting him home aid. The way hospice works here, is they will only come out if its a terminal illness, which as far as I know at this point it isn't. And the other live in (because at this point he definitely needs a round the clock person) care services wouldn't be covered by his insurance. He lives off of social security, so even pooling our money together, theres no way we could afford it. I'd love it if I could, but my husband already works two jobs, and me one, just to keep the bills in line from all the medical stuff

Hopefully I can get him to see that this is the best thing for him. And god or whatever willing, if they can rehab his legs and get his strength back up,or whatever else might be wrong... I'm more than willing to resume care of him at home. I just cant do it while he cant even help us, help him get around. If not a bit bitter due to the fact that my aunts live less than three hours away, and not once have they helped out, and he's their father. Well thats not true, the one aunt comes down every other month or so and says her obligatory hello when she has a scAmway meeting in Raleigh, so she can conveniently stay at his house so she doesn't have to get a hotel.. but thats just my frustration talking.

edited because I'm frazzled and I can't spell for anything today.

[Edited on 8-4-2005 by Vixen]

[Skirmisher]

I would say that unless you are able to offer a TREMENDOUS amount of time yourself or have someone else to help share the burden with, the best thing would be a nursing care facility.

I have helped care for someone who was passing on with alzheimers and it is exhausting. We luckily had several people living with us to help spread it around, but even so it was tiring.

We are not talking about a week, or a month, or even a few months, but many many months of 24 hour a day care is often more than one person can do. A mother with an infant is even more difficult.

I know some may try to assign guilt, you may feel guilty yourself, but if his health is in more danger due to you not being able to watch him as much as is needed, you may be doing more harm than good.

In the end you know better than anyone else but from what you have told us so far, my advice would be for you and his other relatives to look into a long term care facility.

[War Angel]

My mom just went through this with my grandmother last year. She tried to keep my grammie at home with her. My grammie was stubborn, and didn't want to live in a nursing home, she also wouldn't follow the doctors instructions on using her walker, which resulted in several falls, and broken bones. My mom has her own business and works out of the house, so she was always home, but something to consider: If for some reason you have to leave your house for a 24 hour period suddenly(things happen!) who could come to your grandfather's house in an emergency situation? Would someone be available to help him with his needs? I can't imagine having a newborn and having to run back and forth between houses.
Initially, my mother felt terribly guilty about giving in, and following the doctors recommendations to have my grammie live in a nursing home. She researched and found there were senior citizen activities which she could take my grammie to twice a week, which got her out of the nursing home, and with loved ones at the same time. They do lunch before the senior activities, and my grandmother hasn't fallen down since moving to the nursing home. It sounds like you are beyond overwhelmed, and I just thought I'd let you know, my grammie is actually HAPPY at the nursing home now. Visiting when you can, reduces the stress levels, and let's you enjoy the time spent with your grandfather, rather than dreading the next phone call. He will be surrounded by peers and they can reminisce together, talk about the "old days."
Look into the nursing facilities in your area, ask for tours before deciding. Most importantly, visit him often. Grandparents have a wealth of knowledge and stories to share!

[Toxicvixen]

I would what everyone else has already said. Plus not all of the homes are bad. My Great Grandma prefers it, she has friends and her own apt like setting. She says its a nice break from her 10 children and 100's of other relatives. I hope whatever you decide to do works out and you get less stress and more sleep.

[CrystalTears]

He needs more care than you can offer right now, sweetie. Even though it may seem hard for him at first, he'll see that he'll feel better knowing he'll always have someone around to help him when necessary. One person cannot do anything for someone as troubled as this gentleman seems to be.

Don't blame yourself, hon. But I do understand how you feel. My great grandmother was in my grandmother's care for about 5 years, and it would get worse each passing day, to the point that we had to help her to the bathroom (ugh that was gross), feed her, wash her, and she could barely get around on her own. She ultimately needed to put her in a home. My grandmother and her sisters would visit her regularly and she was well cared for. It was hard for them to part with her, but it was for the best for everyone.

Talk to him, I'm sure he'll understand. And visit him as this would improve his spirits about being away from his family.

[Volstock]

DO NOT put him in a rest home unless it's the absolute last resort...I used to work in those places and damn those people have no dignity left. They get abused or pretty much neglected and only way to really check on them is if you come almost everyday which can be hard to do once you put him in there. If he's old as you say try to apply for a grant from the gov for a home care nurse. Cost alot less then the facility but those people actually do give a damn.

[Vixen]

Luckily for me, as far as the facility front goes. My sister in law works as a nurse in the most likely one he'd be put in, so I know honestly the conditions that one is under...
As far as the rest, thats the part that worries me the most. I know I am pretty much at my wits end as to how to help him myself, but I am afraid he'll be put somewhere thats worse than having no one at all.

But that grant thing is a good idea. I'll have to see about that as soon as possible because if they do this, it will be within a weeks time, so I might not have time to do it.
After talking with him about it, along with his doctor, his first words were, I want to go home.. BUT.. I'm tired of feeling like this all the time.
He was a very very strong independant man until about 11 months ago. So right now what they would like to do, depending on how he does these next few days in the hospital, is put him in a rehab type facility, see if they can get him stronger, and his legs stronger, for six weeks, and if he's good enough to walk by then, he can go home WITH an occupational therapist, I think they called it. They wont live in with him, but they will come every day for therapy.
If that doesn't work, then they will talk about long term care

So right now his mood is, if it will help me, then I have to try. I don't want to be lying in bed all the time, unable to do anything, or see anyone. So in that respect, it takes some of the pressure off me because its not something I have to force him into. I just wish something like this wasn't even a possibility. And at least there, like it was already said, he will be around his peers and have a ton more social interaction than I can give him right now. It just sucks ass, frankly.