Sometimes You Just Gotta..

[TheRoseLady]

do the unpopular thing and put an end to the misery.

This weekend we were scheduled to go to my brother's home, swim, cook out, shop with my sister-in-law all that. We made it 24 hours and ended up leaving.

We left because I had finally had my fill of the way my sister-in-law treats my niece and I was unable to ignore it. It's her step-daughter. She's 13 years old and it's rare that my sister-in-law says much to her or about her that's actually positive. Most of the conversation is peppered with blatant sarcasm and negativity and in private it's mostly about how worthless the child's mother is and how horrible Victoria will turn out. She also spares my older niece and nephew (both grown) no breaks, and talks about their choices, and if they will turn out okay. Her own daughter isn't making the best choices either. Her daughter didn't even come to her graduation when she received her PhD this past December. The excuse, she had insomnia and wasn't sure she could get up in the morning in time.

She is estranged from her sisters, brother and parents. My sister and brother have stopped going there for holidays, my daughter decided against joining us as well.

I feel that I should have just bit my tongue, let it all roll off my shoulder - leave and then just decline future invitations - but that would have done nothing, it wouldn't have demonstrated to my niece that someone was willing to speak up on her behalf. The flip side is that it wasn't my place to say anything in their home.

I don't like conflict, but I feel oddly relieved that I won't have to go there anymore. I won't have to walk on eggshells, or worry if I'm leaving my coffee cup in one place too long or if I have kept the refrigerator door open a tad too long looking for the sour cream.

I just wish I could be one of those persons who does whatever they do and just lives with it. Ah well.... this too shall pass I guess. If you read this far, welcome to a little slice of my life.

[Keller]

Buy her a subscription to Parenthood, or some relative facsimile there-of.

What a bitch.

[Edaarin]

Having a parent on either extreme sucks for the kid. Several of my cousins have parents that make me want to throw up in my mouth, for lack of a more colorful phrase. They push their children murderously to live vicariously through them, and talk so much shit to other adults it's ridiculous. But at home it's the complete opposite, berating their kids about how stupid they are.

On the other hand, callous indifference leads to a much higher likelihood that the kid is going to feel unloved and messed up. Kudos to you for finally stepping in and doing something about it. Girls already have a pretty high chance of growing up completely and utterly insane; there's no need fanning the flame.

[SpunGirl]

I wonder why they invite people to their home if they have no intention of making people feel welcome. I definitely have a way I like things in my house, but when I invite guests here I've just gotta relax that a little bit... after all, I want them to have a good time!

Also, it sounds like your sister in law is resentful of your brother for having kids before her? Maybe she's a jealous type who can't handle the reminder of his "old" life, so she feels the need to rip on the kids. That's sad, good for you for standing up for your niece.

-K

[OreoElf]

Personally I don't think I would have done any different. Good for you... Does her father stand up to the wife? From what I've seen of these situations probably not. I think if I had kids I'd ditch anyone that treated my kids like that... That's just me... After my dad died my mom went through a lot of relationships... they weren't always pleasant (thank god they didn't last long). The best thing you can do for your niece is spend time with her and take her out of that environment if you can. Give her some loving support even if it is by phone alone. That's probably the most you can do.

[Doyle Hargraves]

Shoulda bitchslapped her and hidden a picture of Tubgirl in one of her Cosmopolitan magazines.

[TheRoseLady]

Been good to read your responses. I have been troubled over this because I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. My sister-in-law isn't the kind that would swear at her kids, she is much more sophisticated she uses intimidation.

We were in the kitchen slicing up veggies and my niece was lying out by the pool on a lounge chair, my husband was out there and my brother was doing some sort of minor yard work. First thing she says to me, I'll bet she just layed out there on the lawn chair all day and didn't do a damn thing. (Her house is friggin' spotless.) What could the child have done - she comes there every 2 weeks, it's not like she had dishes to do or a room to clean everything is all ready for the white glove. So she comes in and asks her the exact same thing in a snide tone, "So did you lie out there all day and do nothing Vic?" Victoria meekly said something (no matter what she said it wouldn't have been right.) So then she said, "So what did you have for lunch?" Vic answered some cantaloupe. My sister-in-law, "Well, that sure took a lot of effort." (Jesus Christ, what did you want her to do? Make something so you could bust her for leaving a mess or not cleaning up "just so"? Victoria said something like "He said ..." So she immediately interrupted her and said "HE?!" WHO'S HE? Haven't I told you in the past about calling your father "HE?" Then she asks her, "So why weren't you helping your father out there?" She responded with something, and my thought was - my brother is 40 something years old and is more than capable of asking her for assistance if he wanted/needed it. That is just one caption of the kinds of crap that she says.

The ironic part of this is that my sister-in-law has a PhD in Education. She specifically has training in the area of behaviorally handicapped kids. The deal is that she doesn't temper any of her knowledge with a dose of humility and understanding. It's all about being on task, not enabling and all that.

I talked with my niece quietly before we left, and asked her if I was wrong about how I interpreted things. She told me that I was right on and that my sister-in-law is the sole reason that she won't come there to live with my brother. I knew this was the reason.

My sister-in-law is all about the money. She hates it that my brother had kids before her, when she divorced she left her teenage daughter with her ex-husband. The same one that barely comes around to see her. The oldest two have long said that she is mean. Hell, she even hasseled my brother for paying for my nephew's books for college. The kid is putting himself through school and working full-time and she complains about that? It's like there's no compassion, spare the rod and spoil the child but do it through berating and negativity.

But as someone pointed out, my brother lives in blissful ignorance. There's a reason he works all the time, it's because Sgt. Jamie is there at home waiting for him with a list of tasks and likely some negative comment about his kids.

Thanks for your input so far, been good to know that I'm not off base here.

[Edaarin]

Some people just have abrasive personalities.

Send a letter to Dear Abby!

[TheRoseLady]

Originally posted by Edaarin
Some people just have abrasive personalities.

Send a letter to Dear Abby!

You sure you didn't pick up some of Anticor's personality with the trade? Why would I bother with Dear Abby when I have these boards?

[OreoElf]

Originally posted by TheRoseLady

Originally posted by Edaarin
Some people just have abrasive personalities.

Send a letter to Dear Abby!

You sure you didn't pick up some of Anticor's personality with the trade? Why would I bother with Dear Abby when I have these boards?

Maybe someone should get her a gift certificate for a psychologist... that or just start slipping her some valum* sp... I know those aren't real solutions... Honestly I think a good long talk with your brother, if you are close would be painful but perhaps constructive.