Armor alter tweek. Please help

[AnticorRifling]

Ok so I got this armor converted to LBP so now I need it to turn it into something Anticor-esque.

Here's my idea:

A golvern edged/ black leather /armature 15/15/8
Heavy pieces of black leather have been molded into a muscled breastplate held together by several golvern fixtures. The overlapping leather is fixed so that it provides superior protection without sacrificing mobility. Simple and devoid of superfluous adornments the true beauty is in the craftsmanship of this armor. Twisted golvern chains trimming the neckline, pauldrons and waist are the only embellishments. Across the chest an onyx scimitar on an enruned field of crimson serves as the only device on the otherwise unmarred surface.


Thoughts? Anything you would change, anything I did wrong, etc.

[HarmNone]

Since breastplate really can't have muscles, you might want to change "muscled" to "sculpted".

[AnticorRifling]

Can't have muscles? (http://www.a2armory.com/rommuscuir1.html)

:cool:

[Artha]

You forgot to give yours nipples, like batman's.

[HarmNone]

Those aren't muscles, silly. Muscles are on people. Those are sculptings that LOOK like muscles. Sheesh! ;)

[ElanthianSiren]

Originally posted by AnticorRifling
Ok so I got this armor converted to LBP so now I need it to turn it into something Anticor-esque.

Here's my idea:

A golvern edged/ black leather /armature 15/15/8
Heavy pieces of black leather have been molded into a muscled breastplate held together by several golvern fixtures. The overlapping leather is fixed so that it provides superior protection without sacrificing mobility. Simple and devoid of superfluous adornments the true beauty is in the craftsmanship of this armor. Twisted golvern chains trimming the neckline, pauldrons and waist are the only embellishments. Across the chest an onyx scimitar on an enruned field of crimson serves as the only device on the otherwise unmarred surface.


Thoughts? Anything you would change, anything I did wrong, etc.


A golvern-edged/ black leather /armature 15/15/8

Heavy pieces of black leather ridge into the stylized muscles of this rippled breastplate. Held together by several golvern fixtures, the fixed overlapping leather affords superior protection without sacrificing mobility. Simple and devoid of superfluous adornments, its only metallic embellishments are coiled golvern chains that trim the neckline, pauldrons, and waist, emphasizing the true beauty in the skill and care of the piece's leatherwork. Across the chest, an onyx scimitar on an enruned field of crimson artfully tools along the otherwise unmarred surface of the breastplate.



Why I did what I did: You neglected commas in a few places where they were necessary (with clauses). Corrected passive tense (are going/is made). The description repeatedly refers to how unadorned the material is then describe the adornments in great detail. Instead, I shifted focus from the lack of heavy metallics to the time spent on the leather itself by the craftsperson.

Also fixed a logic error by myself and added a dash where you need one to show modification of the golvern.

-Melissa

[Edited on Sat, May th, 2005 by ElanthianSiren]

[AnticorRifling]

Which is why I needed help heh. I hadn't even started proofing the idea for grammar yet :cool:

[Skirmisher]

Sure sure....just admit that grammar/spell check is all that has gotten you this far and be done with it.
:D


ps:I have to agree with the ussage of sculpted as Artha hit it right on the head that the use of muscles shoots me back to a batman costume, fake nipples and all.

[AnticorRifling]

Ohh I haven't run it through spellcheck either. I typed it in notepad :cool: