Jorddyn
04-18-2005, 08:24 PM
So I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. Alright, it wasn't an epiphany at all. I already knew it, I just finally understood it.
I have a weight problem. I've battled it on and off since high school, and am currently within 30 pounds of my highest weight ever. I lost 40 pounds last year, but have put most of it back on due to sheer laziness. Not really shocking, huh?
Anyhow, this came about in the form of a man I met at a bar. He's a friend of a friend. I sat and talked to him for a couple hours. Nothing more than a little flirting happened. The next day when I thought about the situation, I realized that the entire time I was obsessing over how I was standing, the tilt of my face, whether my shirt was bunching, if he just saw me as the fat girl, if his friends were laughing at him for talking to me. Obsessing over that is nothing new, I suppose, but the other thing I was feeling was... Instead of thinking, "Fuck it, if he doesn't like me because of how I look then I don't need him," I was thinking how much it would suck if it went no further because of my weight.
That's not to say there was anything spectacular about this man. He was somewhat attractive, he was entertaining, he was tall. He was like a hundred other men I've met, and a couple that I've dated. I don't know what it was.
I went back to the gym today for the first time in two months.
Jorddyn
I have a weight problem. I've battled it on and off since high school, and am currently within 30 pounds of my highest weight ever. I lost 40 pounds last year, but have put most of it back on due to sheer laziness. Not really shocking, huh?
Anyhow, this came about in the form of a man I met at a bar. He's a friend of a friend. I sat and talked to him for a couple hours. Nothing more than a little flirting happened. The next day when I thought about the situation, I realized that the entire time I was obsessing over how I was standing, the tilt of my face, whether my shirt was bunching, if he just saw me as the fat girl, if his friends were laughing at him for talking to me. Obsessing over that is nothing new, I suppose, but the other thing I was feeling was... Instead of thinking, "Fuck it, if he doesn't like me because of how I look then I don't need him," I was thinking how much it would suck if it went no further because of my weight.
That's not to say there was anything spectacular about this man. He was somewhat attractive, he was entertaining, he was tall. He was like a hundred other men I've met, and a couple that I've dated. I don't know what it was.
I went back to the gym today for the first time in two months.
Jorddyn