I once was an ass, maybe I still am.

[Alcoholic]

Overdue for some flaming, perhaps.

I come to these boards on occasion, just looking for random information. No offense, just half the time I forget they're here.

Whatever. I'm sure you don't care. It's okay.

I was meandering and got into reading some threads, old and new, then realized the ability to search. So (I was looking for a citizenship script) I did.

Then I got bored and searched for PC names.

Then, as is sometimes associated with any unofficial boards, I figured this was probably where I'd been toasted one way or the other.

I've been called paranoid before. Suppose I can be. Sometimes it's just morbid curiousity.

I saw a few things to which I'd like to reply.

*
On the partial armor bug: I don't know that I ever "whined" about it, so much as never believed that the issue had been fixed. I'm not convinced it's fixed now - but, frankly, I don't care. I wear full coverage armor.

*
On leaving and returning.. more specifically, (I'm guessing), leaving when very angry and telling everyone to fuck off, and then returning. Long story short - I had a lot of issues that had little to do with GS, and more to do with the quality of my RL. Those issues needed resolution.

*

Seems I made at least one person's asshole list - which surprises me. I'd have figured to have made more by now.

But, then I saw why I made this list, and that bothers me.

I didn't snip the quote, but essentially I was ignoring someone's whispers - a frequent poster here.

In another instance, I was considered a BBS junkie who quite likely had my own head up my ass.

In a third instance, by the same frequent poster, I simply got on their tits.

And so forth.

Clearly, the feelings of dislike increased once the "ignoring" instance occurred.

I am NOT calling anyone out - because the natural (male) response would be to say something along the lines of "I don't give a flying fuck if you ignore me, dude." and then it becomes a testosterone match.

I'm not interested in that.

I am, however, interested in sharing the following.

When I first started playing GS, I was working 60-100 hours a week as a restaurant manager. I was living with my (younger) girlfriend at the time. And frankly, I was completely burnt out.

I found GS a refreshingly needed distraction from the overwhelming challenge faced by my job and my somewhat immature live-in girlfriend.

As time progressed, I allowed myself more immersion than what is likely healthy. In the meantime - perhaps related, perhaps coincidental - the quality of my RL took a nosedive. I was hit by an uninsured drunk driver. The restaurant was sold. I had to take some shit line cook job at some biker bar, and my girlfriend was doing some skanky b.s. "dance teacher" job.

I had spent whatever part of my career that wasn't in restaurant management as an entertainer - a successful one, at that - and I had the ego to match it.

My failures in RL didn't click, because I was achieving some success in Elanthia.

More time progressed. I treat RL people like shit, close them off, and instead of hiding in the traditional (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) cave, I simply dived into my gaming. My creativity, my value as an entertainer.

As you might suspect, the quality of my life took a further downward spiral, til at one point - I had no girlfriend, no real place to live, and I wasn't even speaking to most of my family (whom live all of 20 minutes from me, at the most).

And then things changed in GS, and my sense of self felt.. violated, I suppose. I don't know, really. I know that I didn't have any proper perspective, at the time. I know that I didn't know how to treat people. I know that I was somewhat obsessed.

All of which is sort of embarrassing to confess - but, the male ego says, "I don't give a flying fuck."

After cussing out the GemStone community, going offline for awhile, spending serious amounts of time in isolation and so forth... I had time to think.

Collecting unemployment, starving, fighting off Crohn's and homelessness and all these other scumbag things for a while... welp, I'm convinced this is my Karma payback, and I'll friggin' well gut it out.

I still didn't get it.

Then, at some point last year, I got hit by the proverbial bus (too bad it wasn't a real one) and realized what I'd been doing wrong.

I was treating people like shit. Not like being mean, hell no. Worse. Like they weren't even people. Like they were things.

Now, perhaps this is too mushy for you tough and hardened internet board readers, and if so - I'd probably say the same thing.

However, it's my confession. And it needs said.

So, to the rogue that I have pissed off and offended... I'm sorry.

I am.

FWIW, I *enjoy* RolePlaying, but I don't think I am the cat's meow.

At heart, I am an entertainer, and IRL I'm writing a novel. I play GS because it gives me fuel for the creative fire.

As such, I do voice my opinions strongly, and I'm not afraid of taking an unpopular stand. Not because I think it's cool. Not because I think I'm better. It's just the way I am.

And in spite of the fact that my life is shit, I have a strong sense of self - and on the internet, that sometimes comes across differently than what it is.

So again: I'm genuinely sorry.

There are people that I offended during the 2003 meltdown that still dislike me. Frankly, I can't blame them one single bit.

If I go offline these days, it's not because I am trying to prove anything - it's because at this point in my life, I'm about 8 days from being homeless. Heh. And if I thought my $30/cable month could do more than what I'm doing with it, then believe you me, I'd be doing it.

But, that's neither here nor there. Who gives a shit? Hell, most of the time, I don't give a shit, and kinda hope I get gunned down by some crack head who wants my 57 cents for a liter of malt liquor.

So, if you think my character is weird or rude - well, hell that's intentional. I'm actually a pretty nice guy - these days, at least - and it's fun to play a fucking bastard.

But, if I've been rude to you in the past, I'm sorry. If I've made you feel like anything less than an equal, then I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, not intentionally.

*

As far as Golden Kobolds and the RolePlaying cliques are concerned - as someone who used to be in that group and has cussed his way out of it... I can only say this...

That group sucks. Don't get me wrong. They're fantastic RolePlayers, and they are very compelling.

I get so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of having to RP with the same people over and over again. Every day that I do RP (and don't sit in a corner to migrate skills), I try my f'ing hardest to find someone new.

No, I don't like talking about game mechanics in game. But, I have, and I will. Because it's just a game.

Am I an elitist? No, I don't think so. But, I am paying extra f'ing money for the RP experience - the mechanics and so forth of GS just can't compare to .. anything, really. So, sorry - but, if I can sit around and 'fell beasts' and talk about Half-Elves as 'heathen mongrel scum' and explore plot twists and feed the fire that is building in my head for creative outlet - that's what I want to do.

I don't think that makes me an elitist. Elitist is suggesting that you're not good enough to RP with me, and I don't believe in that.

Elitist is suggesting that I can only RP with the best of the best.

That's not true, either. It's just that I can't RP with someone who wants to whisper to me about my training, my level, my TP's spent, board topics, the NCAA finals, etc. I can do that for a lot less money anywhere else.

*

So, that's what is on my mind today.

I'm not naive enough to realize that some people just want to snipe; some people are miserable and just want to be angry; and some of the things I've said and done are basically unforgivable, and there's little that can be done to change that at this point.

But, I've turned a new leaf. Heh. (Pun)

My guess is that I don't even have to out myself, either.

~ Bill, Alcoholic.

[StrayRogue]

If you can u2u you me your AIM or email, I'd happily discuss this in a more private manner. I very much appreciate the post, heh and its taken me quite aback.

[Brattt8525]

I have no idea who you are, but hey everyone has bad times in their life and sadly it can affect everyone around them IE dominos.

Welcome back, if your staying.

[HarmNone]

You can't change the past, you can only make the future prove the measure of lessons learned. So, let the past be the past and move forward toward what you'd like your future to be.

I don't consider your post to be mushy, at all. It's not easy to admit your failings, nor is it easy to apologize to those you've hurt. Kudos for doing both. :)

[Gan]

You never really know where you're at sometimes until you feel the cold dark wood of the bottom of the barrel pressing your nose back into your face. Sounds like you've done alot of reflecting and you're fixing whats best for you, starting with the inside. Congrats.

With that said, I dont know you, but your honesty and insight are laudable. Welcome (back?) to the PC.

[Sylvan Dreams]

So, um, who is your character?

[Revalos]

Heh...welcome to my 'rant refuge' Bill. I'm suprised more people don't know who you are purely by your posting style.

PC is a heck of a lot more insightful on the good days than the official BBS can be. You can really see people speak their mind, as you have, without having to worry about a pulled post for vulgarity or for mentioning another person.

This is where you air it all out my friend. Welcome back to the PC.

Perhaps he does not care to give his identity out, why not respect that?

:directed at the people being nosy:

[Edited on 4-17-2005 by Dave]

[4a6c1]

Awesome. Good for you and turning things around and all that. Life is about learning lessons. Or just learning. Or thinking your learning. Or wishing you are. Or something. I think.

And because nobody else said it yet: 'BOO FUCKING HOO'.

jk jk jk :D

So yea who are you?

[ElanthianSiren]

Wow, that took some balls.

I don't know who you are either, but honestly, I venture that the only person(s) your identity matters to are the ones you have come to apologize to.

Well done and welcome back.

-Melissa

[TheRoseLady]

I know who you are, partly because of the posting style and partly because of the personal details that you gave. Not that it matters, really.

I don't have much else to say that hasn't already been said. It's always good when you are able to make self-corrections and move on. I hope that you find the PC to be a good place for you to contribute more often.

[Vesi]

I'm pretty certain I know who you are too just by your name and posting style. (as TRL said... not that it really matters)

That aside... nice, honest open post. If only more people could take a step back and look at themselves that honestly. Good for you.

Welcome and come back anytime to vent. (or whatever)

Vesi

[Alcoholic]

Now it's my turn to be taken aback.

The response(s) have been far more positive than I would have suspected.

While my honesty continues, I'm not trying to solicit anything from the post. I don't need the pat on the back or whatever. I made my confession because it was the correct thing to do.

That noted (heh), I do appreciate it. I'm all warm and fuzzy and want to touch myself now. (I could be joking.)

You do realize by being all nice and respectable and stuff, you're destroying your reputation.

Anyway, let's be clear before you totally rethink your opinion of me. I am no saint. I can be mean and petty - like anyone else, I imagine. I do have a temper and I can be outright manipulative and scathing. In fact, I had a BBS argument that went into e-mail and I was beyond cruel. That wasn't that long ago.

I am also single, and I do occasionally flirt with girls online.

I am no saint (you already read that).

What is important to me, however, is being 'real' - at least, as real as you can be to another person via text and internet. And so, while I can respect that I'm not going to be liked by everyone I meet - I certainly want it to be for the right reasons... because I'm a dork, I'm a whore, I think I'm smart, I'm somewhat neurotic, I'm too skinny, etc.

But, not because I ignored someone in GS. Not because 'he said, she said, he said, she said.' Not because I was a penis, and didn't apologize for it (if it was unnecessary - as it usually is.)

On the flip side of that, however - if my character(s) get(s) on your nerves, or pisses you off, or makes you frustrated or uncomfortable - then that's a glorious day on stage!

I like the mechanics - but I'm not 100% knowledgeable of them. I like writing, but I don't think I'm "there" yet, where good writing is concerned. I like the game, but I don't think I've had such a lasting impact on Elanthia as to make anyone's "Who's Who" list.

GemStone - and the community - has really had an interesting impact on me. And, at the end of the day, I just want to have a little fun and get away from the morbid ridiculous chaotic B movie that is my reality.

And while I'm not perfect, not a saint, and certainly not without notable faults - the reason I posted was to apologize for the times when I didn't make that perfectly clear. And to let you know that while I may still err, I'm trying harder not to.

Thanks again for the welcome.

Have a great day.

~ Bill, Retired Manwhore.

[Edited on 4-21-2005 by Alcoholic]