Alcoholic
04-16-2005, 08:37 PM
Overdue for some flaming, perhaps.
I come to these boards on occasion, just looking for random information. No offense, just half the time I forget they're here.
Whatever. I'm sure you don't care. It's okay.
I was meandering and got into reading some threads, old and new, then realized the ability to search. So (I was looking for a citizenship script) I did.
Then I got bored and searched for PC names.
Then, as is sometimes associated with any unofficial boards, I figured this was probably where I'd been toasted one way or the other.
I've been called paranoid before. Suppose I can be. Sometimes it's just morbid curiousity.
I saw a few things to which I'd like to reply.
*
On the partial armor bug: I don't know that I ever "whined" about it, so much as never believed that the issue had been fixed. I'm not convinced it's fixed now - but, frankly, I don't care. I wear full coverage armor.
*
On leaving and returning.. more specifically, (I'm guessing), leaving when very angry and telling everyone to fuck off, and then returning. Long story short - I had a lot of issues that had little to do with GS, and more to do with the quality of my RL. Those issues needed resolution.
*
Seems I made at least one person's asshole list - which surprises me. I'd have figured to have made more by now.
But, then I saw why I made this list, and that bothers me.
I didn't snip the quote, but essentially I was ignoring someone's whispers - a frequent poster here.
In another instance, I was considered a BBS junkie who quite likely had my own head up my ass.
In a third instance, by the same frequent poster, I simply got on their tits.
And so forth.
Clearly, the feelings of dislike increased once the "ignoring" instance occurred.
I am NOT calling anyone out - because the natural (male) response would be to say something along the lines of "I don't give a flying fuck if you ignore me, dude." and then it becomes a testosterone match.
I'm not interested in that.
I am, however, interested in sharing the following.
When I first started playing GS, I was working 60-100 hours a week as a restaurant manager. I was living with my (younger) girlfriend at the time. And frankly, I was completely burnt out.
I found GS a refreshingly needed distraction from the overwhelming challenge faced by my job and my somewhat immature live-in girlfriend.
As time progressed, I allowed myself more immersion than what is likely healthy. In the meantime - perhaps related, perhaps coincidental - the quality of my RL took a nosedive. I was hit by an uninsured drunk driver. The restaurant was sold. I had to take some shit line cook job at some biker bar, and my girlfriend was doing some skanky b.s. "dance teacher" job.
I had spent whatever part of my career that wasn't in restaurant management as an entertainer - a successful one, at that - and I had the ego to match it.
My failures in RL didn't click, because I was achieving some success in Elanthia.
More time progressed. I treat RL people like shit, close them off, and instead of hiding in the traditional (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) cave, I simply dived into my gaming. My creativity, my value as an entertainer.
As you might suspect, the quality of my life took a further downward spiral, til at one point - I had no girlfriend, no real place to live, and I wasn't even speaking to most of my family (whom live all of 20 minutes from me, at the most).
And then things changed in GS, and my sense of self felt.. violated, I suppose. I don't know, really. I know that I didn't have any proper perspective, at the time. I know that I didn't know how to treat people. I know that I was somewhat obsessed.
All of which is sort of embarrassing to confess - but, the male ego says, "I don't give a flying fuck."
After cussing out the GemStone community, going offline for awhile, spending serious amounts of time in isolation and so forth... I had time to think.
Collecting unemployment, starving, fighting off Crohn's and homelessness and all these other scumbag things for a while... welp, I'm convinced this is my Karma payback, and I'll friggin' well gut it out.
I still didn't get it.
Then, at some point last year, I got hit by the proverbial bus (too bad it wasn't a real one) and realized what I'd been doing wrong.
I was treating people like shit. Not like being mean, hell no. Worse. Like they weren't even people. Like they were things.
Now, perhaps this is too mushy for you tough and hardened internet board readers, and if so - I'd probably say the same thing.
However, it's my confession. And it needs said.
So, to the rogue that I have pissed off and offended... I'm sorry.
I am.
FWIW, I *enjoy* RolePlaying, but I don't think I am the cat's meow.
At heart, I am an entertainer, and IRL I'm writing a novel. I play GS because it gives me fuel for the creative fire.
As such, I do voice my opinions strongly, and I'm not afraid of taking an unpopular stand. Not because I think it's cool. Not because I think I'm better. It's just the way I am.
And in spite of the fact that my life is shit, I have a strong sense of self - and on the internet, that sometimes comes across differently than what it is.
So again: I'm genuinely sorry.
There are people that I offended during the 2003 meltdown that still dislike me. Frankly, I can't blame them one single bit.
If I go offline these days, it's not because I am trying to prove anything - it's because at this point in my life, I'm about 8 days from being homeless. Heh. And if I thought my $30/cable month could do more than what I'm doing with it, then believe you me, I'd be doing it.
But, that's neither here nor there. Who gives a shit? Hell, most of the time, I don't give a shit, and kinda hope I get gunned down by some crack head who wants my 57 cents for a liter of malt liquor.
So, if you think my character is weird or rude - well, hell that's intentional. I'm actually a pretty nice guy - these days, at least - and it's fun to play a fucking bastard.
But, if I've been rude to you in the past, I'm sorry. If I've made you feel like anything less than an equal, then I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, not intentionally.
*
As far as Golden Kobolds and the RolePlaying cliques are concerned - as someone who used to be in that group and has cussed his way out of it... I can only say this...
That group sucks. Don't get me wrong. They're fantastic RolePlayers, and they are very compelling.
I get so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of having to RP with the same people over and over again. Every day that I do RP (and don't sit in a corner to migrate skills), I try my f'ing hardest to find someone new.
No, I don't like talking about game mechanics in game. But, I have, and I will. Because it's just a game.
Am I an elitist? No, I don't think so. But, I am paying extra f'ing money for the RP experience - the mechanics and so forth of GS just can't compare to .. anything, really. So, sorry - but, if I can sit around and 'fell beasts' and talk about Half-Elves as 'heathen mongrel scum' and explore plot twists and feed the fire that is building in my head for creative outlet - that's what I want to do.
I don't think that makes me an elitist. Elitist is suggesting that you're not good enough to RP with me, and I don't believe in that.
Elitist is suggesting that I can only RP with the best of the best.
That's not true, either. It's just that I can't RP with someone who wants to whisper to me about my training, my level, my TP's spent, board topics, the NCAA finals, etc. I can do that for a lot less money anywhere else.
*
So, that's what is on my mind today.
I'm not naive enough to realize that some people just want to snipe; some people are miserable and just want to be angry; and some of the things I've said and done are basically unforgivable, and there's little that can be done to change that at this point.
But, I've turned a new leaf. Heh. (Pun)
My guess is that I don't even have to out myself, either.
~ Bill, Alcoholic.
I come to these boards on occasion, just looking for random information. No offense, just half the time I forget they're here.
Whatever. I'm sure you don't care. It's okay.
I was meandering and got into reading some threads, old and new, then realized the ability to search. So (I was looking for a citizenship script) I did.
Then I got bored and searched for PC names.
Then, as is sometimes associated with any unofficial boards, I figured this was probably where I'd been toasted one way or the other.
I've been called paranoid before. Suppose I can be. Sometimes it's just morbid curiousity.
I saw a few things to which I'd like to reply.
*
On the partial armor bug: I don't know that I ever "whined" about it, so much as never believed that the issue had been fixed. I'm not convinced it's fixed now - but, frankly, I don't care. I wear full coverage armor.
*
On leaving and returning.. more specifically, (I'm guessing), leaving when very angry and telling everyone to fuck off, and then returning. Long story short - I had a lot of issues that had little to do with GS, and more to do with the quality of my RL. Those issues needed resolution.
*
Seems I made at least one person's asshole list - which surprises me. I'd have figured to have made more by now.
But, then I saw why I made this list, and that bothers me.
I didn't snip the quote, but essentially I was ignoring someone's whispers - a frequent poster here.
In another instance, I was considered a BBS junkie who quite likely had my own head up my ass.
In a third instance, by the same frequent poster, I simply got on their tits.
And so forth.
Clearly, the feelings of dislike increased once the "ignoring" instance occurred.
I am NOT calling anyone out - because the natural (male) response would be to say something along the lines of "I don't give a flying fuck if you ignore me, dude." and then it becomes a testosterone match.
I'm not interested in that.
I am, however, interested in sharing the following.
When I first started playing GS, I was working 60-100 hours a week as a restaurant manager. I was living with my (younger) girlfriend at the time. And frankly, I was completely burnt out.
I found GS a refreshingly needed distraction from the overwhelming challenge faced by my job and my somewhat immature live-in girlfriend.
As time progressed, I allowed myself more immersion than what is likely healthy. In the meantime - perhaps related, perhaps coincidental - the quality of my RL took a nosedive. I was hit by an uninsured drunk driver. The restaurant was sold. I had to take some shit line cook job at some biker bar, and my girlfriend was doing some skanky b.s. "dance teacher" job.
I had spent whatever part of my career that wasn't in restaurant management as an entertainer - a successful one, at that - and I had the ego to match it.
My failures in RL didn't click, because I was achieving some success in Elanthia.
More time progressed. I treat RL people like shit, close them off, and instead of hiding in the traditional (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) cave, I simply dived into my gaming. My creativity, my value as an entertainer.
As you might suspect, the quality of my life took a further downward spiral, til at one point - I had no girlfriend, no real place to live, and I wasn't even speaking to most of my family (whom live all of 20 minutes from me, at the most).
And then things changed in GS, and my sense of self felt.. violated, I suppose. I don't know, really. I know that I didn't have any proper perspective, at the time. I know that I didn't know how to treat people. I know that I was somewhat obsessed.
All of which is sort of embarrassing to confess - but, the male ego says, "I don't give a flying fuck."
After cussing out the GemStone community, going offline for awhile, spending serious amounts of time in isolation and so forth... I had time to think.
Collecting unemployment, starving, fighting off Crohn's and homelessness and all these other scumbag things for a while... welp, I'm convinced this is my Karma payback, and I'll friggin' well gut it out.
I still didn't get it.
Then, at some point last year, I got hit by the proverbial bus (too bad it wasn't a real one) and realized what I'd been doing wrong.
I was treating people like shit. Not like being mean, hell no. Worse. Like they weren't even people. Like they were things.
Now, perhaps this is too mushy for you tough and hardened internet board readers, and if so - I'd probably say the same thing.
However, it's my confession. And it needs said.
So, to the rogue that I have pissed off and offended... I'm sorry.
I am.
FWIW, I *enjoy* RolePlaying, but I don't think I am the cat's meow.
At heart, I am an entertainer, and IRL I'm writing a novel. I play GS because it gives me fuel for the creative fire.
As such, I do voice my opinions strongly, and I'm not afraid of taking an unpopular stand. Not because I think it's cool. Not because I think I'm better. It's just the way I am.
And in spite of the fact that my life is shit, I have a strong sense of self - and on the internet, that sometimes comes across differently than what it is.
So again: I'm genuinely sorry.
There are people that I offended during the 2003 meltdown that still dislike me. Frankly, I can't blame them one single bit.
If I go offline these days, it's not because I am trying to prove anything - it's because at this point in my life, I'm about 8 days from being homeless. Heh. And if I thought my $30/cable month could do more than what I'm doing with it, then believe you me, I'd be doing it.
But, that's neither here nor there. Who gives a shit? Hell, most of the time, I don't give a shit, and kinda hope I get gunned down by some crack head who wants my 57 cents for a liter of malt liquor.
So, if you think my character is weird or rude - well, hell that's intentional. I'm actually a pretty nice guy - these days, at least - and it's fun to play a fucking bastard.
But, if I've been rude to you in the past, I'm sorry. If I've made you feel like anything less than an equal, then I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, not intentionally.
*
As far as Golden Kobolds and the RolePlaying cliques are concerned - as someone who used to be in that group and has cussed his way out of it... I can only say this...
That group sucks. Don't get me wrong. They're fantastic RolePlayers, and they are very compelling.
I get so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of having to RP with the same people over and over again. Every day that I do RP (and don't sit in a corner to migrate skills), I try my f'ing hardest to find someone new.
No, I don't like talking about game mechanics in game. But, I have, and I will. Because it's just a game.
Am I an elitist? No, I don't think so. But, I am paying extra f'ing money for the RP experience - the mechanics and so forth of GS just can't compare to .. anything, really. So, sorry - but, if I can sit around and 'fell beasts' and talk about Half-Elves as 'heathen mongrel scum' and explore plot twists and feed the fire that is building in my head for creative outlet - that's what I want to do.
I don't think that makes me an elitist. Elitist is suggesting that you're not good enough to RP with me, and I don't believe in that.
Elitist is suggesting that I can only RP with the best of the best.
That's not true, either. It's just that I can't RP with someone who wants to whisper to me about my training, my level, my TP's spent, board topics, the NCAA finals, etc. I can do that for a lot less money anywhere else.
*
So, that's what is on my mind today.
I'm not naive enough to realize that some people just want to snipe; some people are miserable and just want to be angry; and some of the things I've said and done are basically unforgivable, and there's little that can be done to change that at this point.
But, I've turned a new leaf. Heh. (Pun)
My guess is that I don't even have to out myself, either.
~ Bill, Alcoholic.