omg grade my paper!!

[Bobmuhthol]

I want to know what people think of this, so I can see how accurate my teacher was in his grading. Also, disregard any small grammatical errors as they are unimportant.

Oskar Schindler will be remembered as a good man. He is labeled as a profiteer and womanizer, but those titles do not fit him throughout a very large portion of World War II. Originally, Schindler cares about making money and being with as many women as possible. In the same light, he has neither consideration nor acknowledgement for the value of human life. It becomes very clear that Schindler goes through a period of change and eventually his values are reversed. Oskar Schindler helps more Jews than can be imagined with what he does, from buying the Jews to keeping them alive after Adolf Hitler orders their execution.

Schindler’s wrongdoings and shady business in the beginning of the war help him when he begins to care for the Jews. He has the respect of his fellow Nazis. This is the reason he avoids being discovered as working against the Nazi party. Between being what they consider to be a good businessman and socializing with him at a club, they do not suspect anything unusual from Schindler. Everything he does, like giving water to the Jews with help from the Nazis, is enough to get him killed. Without his reputation, he would be dead.

The potential in Oskar Schindler begins to show when he is visited by a Jewish girl whose parents need help. Schindler learns that his factory is known as a haven among Jews. Unsatisfied, he chases the girl off. Schindler proceeds to give Stern his gold watch in order to bribe officials and get the girl’s parents to the factory. This marks his new compassion for the people around him. After 10,000 Jews are burned at the hands of Amon Goeth, Schindler knows that he must do something.

Schindler speaks with Goeth in hopes to buy his workers and keep them alive. He disguises the purchase as legitimate. Schindler’s workers are making ammunition, but Schindler is calibrating the machines so that they are all useless. Not knowing this, Goeth sells Schindler his workers as well as his maid, Helen Hirsch. The workers are mistakenly sent to Auschwitz. Schindler buys them again and they are brought to the factory. Schindler’s Jews remain alive throughout the end of the war. When the war does end, he is a criminal.

Oskar Schindler is a hero like no other. He saves more Jews in World War II than can be attributed to any single person. No longer is he a profiteer, and no longer is he a womanizer. He is the only thing that stood in the way of his Jews and their death. Millions of dollars left his hands to save them. Forever his legacy shall be known, and in that legacy will be the gold ring given to him after being forged from the gold tooth of a worker. Engraved on it: “Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.”

[Jorddyn]

My first question would be for a definition of the assignment.

Ignoring that, I'd give it a C-, maybe C.

It wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't great.

Jorddyn

[Bobmuhthol]

<<My first question would be for a definition of the assignment.>>

Whether Oskar Schindler would be remembered as a good or bad person, based on his actions in WWII.

[SpunGirl]

You don't really clarify who "Stern" is, or why Schindler chased the girl off and was "unsatisfied." The tenses in the first and last paragraphs are kind of screwy, putting them in the past tense would make more sense. A-.

-K

[Edited on 2-18-2005 by SpunGirl]

[Alarke]

I don't think a lot of it made any sense. You changed ideas quickly and didn't have a strong thesis, which is probably the most important part in any paper. I would suggest starting each paragraph with a solid idea that you simply gain depth in, until eventually you reverse your these and state your final idea in your conclusion. I'm also being a little hard on this paper as I am used to writing for profs... From your expectations I give it a B or B-.

[Shari]

You don't really seem to have an opening paragraph. I mean you physically HAVE one, but you jump right into the situation without explaining to the reader what is going on. Now I know it is for your teacher to read (who gave you the assignment) but I was taught to write a paper as though it were for every kind of audience.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<I mean you physically HAVE one, but you jump right into the situation without explaining to the reader what is going on.>>

The point isn't to explain what's going on.

The reader is supposed to have read/seen Schindler's List.

<<Now I know it is for your teacher to read (who gave you the assignment) but I was taught to write a paper as though it were for every kind of audience.>>

Not this assignment.

[StrayRogue]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol

The reader is supposed to have read/seen Schindler's List.



Every single one of my philosophy lecturers always said to me "write as if the reader knew nothing of the subject". While you don't have to walk them through his life, never assume that the reader knows anything about Schindler or indeed the War. Just my opinion.

[Bobmuhthol]

Right but if you don't know the history behind Oskar Schindler, what good does a 5-paragraph thesis do for you?

If it was longer you might have something.

[Jorddyn]

Originally posted by Bobmuhthol
The reader is supposed to have read/seen Schindler's List.


That's honestly a big issue I see with the paper. You reiterated details of his actions in WWII, but didn't explain "This makes him a good guy because..."

Jorddyn

[Soulpieced]

Unfortunately, school systems really ween students into the whole analytic thing. I don't think I got my first analytic paper assignment until I was a junior, and didn't REALLY understand how to write well until I was in college. In the real world, EVERYTHING you write pretty much has to have an analytic format. You have your base topic/idea. Start off with a thesis at the end of your opening paragraph which explains what you are trying to prove. Have support paragraphs which aid what you say in your thesis (backup). Then a conclusion which restates and reaffirms what you wished to prove.

Your thesis should be something like: Schindler should be remembered as a good man because he helped save Jews from Hitler.

Backup:

1. Schindler was in a good position to help the Jews because nobody in the Nazi party would suspect him as a sympathizer.

2. Even though he knew he could be considered a criminal and jailed, Schindler did what he thought was right.

Conclusion: Thanks to his unselfish and extraordinary efforts, Schindler will be remembered as a man responsible for saving hundreds of lives, and what all else you have in your current conclusion.

Your paper pretty much just jumps around with no real flow. Transitions are your friend. I also understand the teacher "says" that the paper is intending that someone has read the book, but you have to assume ignorance for anything you write.

[Edited on 2-18-2005 by Soulpieced]

[Drew2]

It's kind of unfair for him to ask for a grade from people who are in/have been to college.

He won't start writing near college level until his junior or senior year, most likely. We're expecting too much. His teachers, however, are expecting much less.

[Soulpieced]

Yeah, but if you can write a coherent 5 paragraph paper in analytic style, you could start off WAY ahead of the other peons in early high school and really impress teachers.

[Drew2]

Actually knowing HS teachers, they'd probably fail him for not doing what they asked.

[Soulpieced]

So sad, yet probably true.

[Warriorbird]

At the same time, despite his claims, he is a fair bit smarter than most people in his peer/age group. Arguably why some have held him to a higher standard.

I'd have hit you with a B, considering your age, Bob. Show me, don't tell me. The details could've been explained.

[SpunGirl]

I agree with Warriorbird. Bob's writing skillz are far superior to others in his age group, which is why I gave him an A-. So what grade did your teacher give you, Bob?

-K

[Jorddyn]

Originally posted by Tayre
It's kind of unfair for him to ask for a grade from people who are in/have been to college.


It's not unfair to expect the basic structure to be correct once one is in high school. He obviously has a grasp of the opening-body-conclusion (thesis-backup-conclusion) relationship, but he missed on what should have been in each of those parts, primarily the body.

And I have no doubt that I "graded" his paper harder than many teachers would have, but no harder than my high school English teachers graded me.

Jorddyn

[Jorddyn]

Originally posted by Warriorbird
At the same time, despite his claims, he is a fair bit smarter than most people in his peer/age group. Arguably why some have held him to a higher standard.


I could only find one sentence in the middle three paragraphs explained why Schindler was a good guy.

" This marks his new compassion for the people around him."

He changed tenses.

He used hyperbole.

Certain parts are redundant.

"Shady business" could be considered slang.

He mentions people with no details as to who they are, or how they are important to the story (Amon Goeth, Helen Hirsch)

Perhaps a C/C- grade is low. I'd wager it is damn close to what his teacher gave him.

Jorddyn

[GSTamral]

Whether Oskar Schindler would be remembered as a good or bad person, based on his actions in WWII.

[[Oskar Schindler will be remembered as a good man. He is labeled as a profiteer and womanizer, but those titles do not fit him throughout a very large portion of World War II.]]

These are very passive statements. Also, grammatical errors in the first sentence of an essay will damage perception of the author. You also followed a qualitative statement with a conditional reply. Saying someone was good throughout a large portion of a time period is not good, because it implies he was bad during the other, which is a weak way of following a lead statement.

[Originally, Schindler cares about making money and being with as many women as possible. ]

This isn’t good. You just changed timeframes within your writing. If he was a good man, he cared, not cares, for something.

[[In the same light, he has neither consideration nor acknowledgement for the value of human life. ]]

In the same light of what? This statement makes no sense where it is currently

[[It becomes very clear that Schindler goes through a period of change and eventually his values are reversed.]]

A valid statement, but again, it is like you have no concept of time in your writing.

[[
Oskar Schindler helps more Jews than can be imagined with what he does, from buying the Jews to keeping them alive after Adolf Hitler orders their execution.
]]

In 2001, Lance Armstrong won the tour de France. He does this by riding fast. He thinks about racing all the time. Your lack of timeframe makes your argument nonsensical.


Going through the rest of it, grammatically, it is what you’d expect from a typical 9th grader. Nothing is horrible, but words are contorted through time, and many sentences miss the point because they are improperly placed within the argument. My guess is that you wrote this during class. If this was an in class essay, and considering this is not some sort of honors program, it is probably a B paper. If this was a homework assignment in which you were expected to hand in something more thought out and cohesive, probably more like a C/C+. If this was some sort of essay that was supposed to be prepared, there is no question that this paper cannot be an F, because at least there is a point that is put forth, some semblance of structure, and most of the sentences make grammatical sense (although they end up not making sense in the context of how they were put together), I’d have a hard time seeing a teacher give out anything better than a C- or a C.

At any higher a level, and this paper would not stand up to any sort of grading.

[Bobmuhthol]

<<Perhaps a C/C- grade is low. I'd wager it is damn close to what his teacher gave him.>>

75.

[Mistomeer]

I've seen college papers that were worse than those and got higher grades.

[gcstader]

"Part of the difficulty students face in writing a thesis and developing an argument is their allegiance, consciously or unconsciously, to the model of the "five-paragraph theme" learned in high school."

The thesis needs a lot of work. There needs to be a clear presentation of what your paper is trying to prove/show/argue. Your thesis should be non-trivial, specific, and clearly expressed. More in depth advice to writing a sound thesis:

http://www.umd.umich.edu/casl/hum/eng/jonsmith/intro.html

~Greg

[Edited on 2-18-2005 by gcstader]

[GSTamral]

<<<
I've seen college papers that were worse than those and got higher grades
>>>

Not in any respectable university they didn't. Unless its one of those BS classes where the TA essentially hands out a B or better to anyone who hands in a homework assignment.

[Warriorbird]

In respectable universities too...though typically in freshmen nonsense courses.

[ChalaRoque]

I would have given it a C/C-... Too many fragmented sentences and the organization of the entire paper could have been better.

[crazymage]

F-

[peam]

I've done worse at a college level and recieved an A.

[Nakiro]

It was a 75 level paper. Things to remember for the next:

1) Incorperate less story telling and more point of view.

2) Acknowledge that there will be a disagreement (not everyone will say why that he is good), acknowledge it and counterargue it. You did this some, but could've expounded more.

3) Even if your teacher tells you to write it like someone who knows all about Schindler, don't.

4) Don't change tenses. If you're talking about the past, stick with the past.

5) Don't write like you're reading it off the backcover of a book.

6) Post something before you're graded on it. We probably could've helped you get a better grade.

Doesn't hurt to tape a few singles to the back of the paper to "seal the deal."

[Edited on 2-19-2005 by Stanley Burrell]

[Satira]

I'd give it a C.

[xtc]

Bob I would give you a C or C-.

I found you didn't form a clear decisive thesis and your paragraphs didn't solidly support your thesis. The tense in your paper needs to be consistent. You should always stick with either the past or present tense.

Your paper doesn't flow well and is muddled.

I think the worse thing is that I believe that you could have done much better. I think you're a smart kid and capable of much more.

[Back]

I found it interesting. Would have liked more detail actually. The basic message came through pretty clear. Not having any idea how papers are graded, I guess I’d give it an A- or at least a B. I mean, obviously you actually read about the guy and put some effort into it. Thats half the point, right?

[HarmNone]

A lot depends on the conditions under which the piece was written, considering your age and grade. If this was an "off-the-cuff" assignment, given without warning and done in class, I'd give it a C, maybe a C+. However, if it was a homework assignment, I think a 75 was lenient.