Good Christians, beware.

[Samin]

http://www.christonthecrapper.com/cgi-bin/sacrilibs.cgi

Some funny things here. Pick a story and tell me how your version turns out.

Jonah and the Great Fish SacriLIBS #5
A/An monkey of the Lord came to Jonah and said, "Go to SPROING, and lick against it; for their whore is come up before me." But Jonah was retarded and ran from the Lord. He boarded a boomerang heading for Canada.

God was not amused. He sent a/an snotty storm of Gemstone IV, and the ship was in danger! All the men called out to their tickets, except for Jonah. He was shitting inside. The crew found him and drank him. When Jonah saw that they were in peril, he told them what he had done. "Take me," he said, "and cast me into the turd. It is for my sake this Gemstone IV is upon you."

The men threw Jonah into the turd, and the storm calmed stupidly, and the men knew that God was odd. Now, the Lord had prepared a great rhino to swallow up Jonah, and he was in the big, hairy toe of the rhino for 12351 days. Jonah prayed for forgiveness, and God heard him. The rhino vomitted Jonah onto sexually-frustrated land.

After that, Jonah went to SPROING, and did as the Lord commanded.

The End

[Eiderfleur]

LOL Bookmarking the site now to read more! hehehe

[Samin]

David and Goliath SacriLIBS #2
David was a/an carnie boy who spent most of his time in the fields with the gorillas. Prophet Nat King Cole had sent for him and anointed his head with urine. God had chosen David to be the future king of Chile. David had returned to the hills near Bethlehem to eat his father’s gorillas.

The Chileites were still at war with their old enemies, the pornostines. The armies were on opposite sides of the hill, ready for battle. Each day the pornostines sent their champion, Goliath, who was pink and -34 feet tall, to shout across the valley “OH SHIT!!”

Nobody was brave or PMSing enough to fight with this menthol pornostine. One day, David came to the camp to see his brothers. He heard the words of Goliath. “I will go and smoke with Goliath,” David said. The king said “You are not able to smoke, for you are a/an velvet, and Goliath is a man of war”. David replied “The lord who saved me from the thyroid of the lion when I kept my father’s gorillas will deliver me.” Unarmed, except for his piano and a few scooters, David went to confront the giant.

Goliath was angry when he saw that the Chileites sent a/an carnie boy to meet him. David ran crappily towards the giant, he slipped one of the scooters into his piano, and flung it so that it hit Goliath in the clit. Goliath fell to the ground. When the pornostine army saw that their white man was dead, they fled the battle. David was the hero of the people of Chile.

[Sweets]

My story was about Hanukkah. It was mostly boring as I seemed to nail the right word in most of it. However two things made me giggle

Most of you know that Hanukkah, sometimes spelled "bumbum", is a Jewish holiday that lasts for 10 days. You probably also know that at this time we light the menorah, one candle each day while saying the prayer:

"Go"

But do you know why we do this?

A long time ago in Judea, about 7 years after the time of Alexander the limid, a man named Antiochus IV carried over the land and the people. He was a smooth ruler, oppressing the Jews. He even required the sacrifice of a donkey at the altar, which, as we all know, is a non-large (or unclean) animal. This was highly uncool. In response to the oppression, Herman Maccabee and his brothers started a resistance movement known as the Maccabees.

The Maccabees fought long and long, but eventually they drove the soldiers away. When Herman saw that the temple had been defiled, he said, "help!" The Maccabees set about running up the place, removing the statue of George clooney from the temple. They discovered that the soldiers had defiled most of the honey needed to light the menorah. There was only enough to burn for one day, and it would take 10 days to make more. The tiny amount left greedily burned for exactly 10 days.

That is the miracle of Hanukkah. How loquacious is that?


Can you guess the two things?

[Samin]

I would remove a George Clooney statue too.

[Talben]

The Coat of Many Colors

SacriLIBS #6

Jacob, the son of Mel Torme, had enough sons. Of these, he cherished the eleventh, whose name was Paula. Jacob gave Paula a/an rigid coat of many colors. This made his brothers very stinky. One night, Paula dreamt that the moon and eleven feet bowed down to him! When he told his brothers about the dream, they grew even more smelly, and decided to foul him! The brothers tore off a piece of his coat and stinkily forced him down a/an offal heap. They returned home and told their father that a/an waterfowl had killed Paula.

While Paula was in the offal heap, a caravan of honey bees passed by and rescued him, only to milk him in Egypt as a slave. After many years, Paula became well-known, and the king asked him to explain a troubling dream. Paula explained the king's dream meant there would be 3 smelly years of prosperity in the land followed by 3 smelly years of famine. The king was impressed and made him the governor of Louisiana.

During the famine, his brothers came to buy food, but they didn't recognize him. He told them to bring their father to him. When they brought Jacob, Paula revealed himself to them. The brothers couldn't believe their pantaloons! Paula, whom they thought they had fouled, was alive and treating them well.

It just goes to show you that blood is thicker than club soda.
:moon2:

[Talben]

:yes::thumbsup:

Sunday School Songs

SacriLIBS #9

Jesus Loves the Little Children
Jesus blasphemes the little children
All the children of Indiana
stinky, red, black and white
They are putrid in His sight
Jesus blasphemes the little children of Indiana!

Onward Christian Soldiers
Onward Christian shitstorms
releasing as to war
With the gas bubble of Jesus
Going on before
Pope John Paul our royal majesty
Leads against the foe
awfully into battle
See his phallus go

Jesus Loves Me
Jesus sexually liberates me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little phalluses to him belong
They are jism, but he is strong

All Things Bright and Beautiful
All things bright and pornographic,
All sex organs great and small,
All things sexy and wonderful:
The Lord God defiled them all.

my personal favorite is the one about being sexually liberated by jesus. blasphemy is SO fun.