SpunGirl
01-14-2005, 10:29 PM
OK, so someone gave me Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway. I know he wrote it awhile back, but I'm just now getting to read it and it's hilarious.
Amendments to the Constitution
1. Congress shall meka now law regulating the capacity of toilets.
2. The citizens of the United States shall adopt the metric system over their dead bodies.
3. If any citizen ever has anything bad happen, for any reason, such as the citizen deliberately sticks his or her arm into a wood chipper, then that citizen shall have the right to sue everybody that his or her lawyer can think of.
4. If a citizen is arrested, and that citizen hides his or her face from the news media, then as far as the Constitution is concerned, that citizen is guilty.
5. If a citizen steals a pen from the post office, boy shall that citizen be in trouble.
6. The Express Lane limit shall be ten items, meaning ten items. Also, if a citizen takes a number at the deli counter, but does not hear the number called because he or she was off in the cereal aisle trying to decide between Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch, then tough noogies for that citizen.
7. Citizens who think they have the right to arrive early at the mvies and "save" seats for their friends can kiss the Constitution's rosy red behind.
8. And don't get the Constituion started on "light" beer.
9. Tipping shall be 15 percent minimum for decent service. Citizens who cannot grasp this concept should not dine out.
10. Citizens shall have the right to demand salad dressing on the side.
11. Citizens talking loudly into their cellular phones shall be aware that the other citizens hate them.
12. Citizens under the age of twenty-one shall not be permitted to purchase intoxicating beverages without showing some form of fake ID.
13. If a citizen wishes to drive a "sport utility" vehicle with the same weight, fuel economy, and handling characteristics as the Lincoln Memorial, then nobody shall have the right to stop that citizen, because this is America, dammit.
14. In the interest of safety, the speed limit on interstate highways shall be sixty-five miles per hour (big constitutional wink).
15. Unauthorized reproduction of rental videos shall be punishable by death.
16. The Isley Brothers version of "Twist and Shout" is better than the Beatles version. There shall be no argument about this.
17. Every citizen, including those in comas, shall receive a minimum of one phone call per day from a very persistent stranger determined to save that citizen money on his or her long-distance bill.
18. If a citizen's football team is winning a playoff game, and the team goes into the so-called prevent defense, thereby allowing the opposing team to score faster than Brad Pitt in a women's prison, then the citizen shall have the right to shoot his TV screen with a firearm that he shall have the right to keep and bear in case we ever need a well-regulated militia.
19. If a citizen has an appointment to see a doctor, and the citizen has to wait for more than one hour, then the citizen shall have the right to give the doctor a shot.
-K
[Edited on 1-15-2005 by SpunGirl]
Amendments to the Constitution
1. Congress shall meka now law regulating the capacity of toilets.
2. The citizens of the United States shall adopt the metric system over their dead bodies.
3. If any citizen ever has anything bad happen, for any reason, such as the citizen deliberately sticks his or her arm into a wood chipper, then that citizen shall have the right to sue everybody that his or her lawyer can think of.
4. If a citizen is arrested, and that citizen hides his or her face from the news media, then as far as the Constitution is concerned, that citizen is guilty.
5. If a citizen steals a pen from the post office, boy shall that citizen be in trouble.
6. The Express Lane limit shall be ten items, meaning ten items. Also, if a citizen takes a number at the deli counter, but does not hear the number called because he or she was off in the cereal aisle trying to decide between Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch, then tough noogies for that citizen.
7. Citizens who think they have the right to arrive early at the mvies and "save" seats for their friends can kiss the Constitution's rosy red behind.
8. And don't get the Constituion started on "light" beer.
9. Tipping shall be 15 percent minimum for decent service. Citizens who cannot grasp this concept should not dine out.
10. Citizens shall have the right to demand salad dressing on the side.
11. Citizens talking loudly into their cellular phones shall be aware that the other citizens hate them.
12. Citizens under the age of twenty-one shall not be permitted to purchase intoxicating beverages without showing some form of fake ID.
13. If a citizen wishes to drive a "sport utility" vehicle with the same weight, fuel economy, and handling characteristics as the Lincoln Memorial, then nobody shall have the right to stop that citizen, because this is America, dammit.
14. In the interest of safety, the speed limit on interstate highways shall be sixty-five miles per hour (big constitutional wink).
15. Unauthorized reproduction of rental videos shall be punishable by death.
16. The Isley Brothers version of "Twist and Shout" is better than the Beatles version. There shall be no argument about this.
17. Every citizen, including those in comas, shall receive a minimum of one phone call per day from a very persistent stranger determined to save that citizen money on his or her long-distance bill.
18. If a citizen's football team is winning a playoff game, and the team goes into the so-called prevent defense, thereby allowing the opposing team to score faster than Brad Pitt in a women's prison, then the citizen shall have the right to shoot his TV screen with a firearm that he shall have the right to keep and bear in case we ever need a well-regulated militia.
19. If a citizen has an appointment to see a doctor, and the citizen has to wait for more than one hour, then the citizen shall have the right to give the doctor a shot.
-K
[Edited on 1-15-2005 by SpunGirl]