Ben
12-21-2004, 12:52 PM
THE FORTY RULES OF DATING, GUIDELINES AND NOTES FOR
MODERN DATING.
(Unquestionable and Defined Truths, not matter how
hard to stomach)
1. NO DRAMA: You are a grown woman and no one in
their right mind is gonna cater to your
high-maintenance, emotional breakdowns and/or obvious
lack of foresight in matters pertaining to your life
prior to meeting me. Enough is Enough. NO MORE
screaming rants, no crying episodes over bullshit
matters easily solved by correct action and logic. Be
logical, sane and PREVENT problems before they happen
and YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DRAMA!! Can you or can you not
explain matters using logic in a civil voice or are
you that much of a mess that you can not? Can you or
can you not identify drama and stamp it out even if
its from friends and loved ones? God damnit woman,
get your shit together.
2. BROS BEFORE HOS: "I can't believe you put your
friends first before me!!!" You had better get use to
it. First off, they are eternally my brothers and you
can't comprehend what we have seen, been through or
witnessed. Compared to them, YOU LOSE HANDS DOWN
EVERY TIME! While you were still crying over the fact
one of my friends called you fat (instead of going to
the gym and doing something about it) we all had a
BLAST at the local bar and strip club WITHOUT YOUR
ANTICS. Look, even *IF* you are a sane and pretty
cool chick, you gotta realize that my friends and
brothers ALWAYS come first. I will do my duties as a
man and live my life as a man with or without you.
Don't make comparisons between my friends and you,
there are none. You fill a role only a femal could,
as you don't see me f*cking my bros or jerking them
off now do you? Be happy you make me come and I like
to sleep with you. Other than that, do what you're
told and for the love of god, shut up already!
3. MY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS:
Thre is no "Old Ladies" or "Friends' Girlfriends" club
in our crew. Cut the crap and mind your own damn
business and don't be trying to make buddies with my
friends' girlfriends. Be polite, considerate,
courteous and offer them hospitality, but KEEP IT AT
THAT. No in-depth discussions or conversations with
them or trying to find out what each of us guys do or
you will probably get knocked out. Mind your own
business and never talk our business with anyone. You
will not compromise my firends or be a shoulder to cry
on for their pissed off, bitter and ranting old ladies
or girlfriends. If any girlfriend of my bros tries to
confront you about anything other than simple chit
chat, TELL THEM YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF IT OR
DISCUSS IT FURTHER. You don' t need or want to know
anything or any gossip about what they may or may not
be doing. Talk to my friends' girlfriends about
mundane simple crap like flowers, music, and other
simple crap. Keep it simple and keep them all at a
comfortable distanance. NO secret conversations or
back-talk of any kind behind my or anyone else back.
IF they talk shit on a bro of mine, let me know
immediately.
4. NO SKULKING: Listen, no one needs to see you
pissed off, skulking in the corner or in any other way
trying to get attention through negative moody
emotional based antics. No sitting around being
pissed off and skulking cause someone said something
you don't like or made a joke you don't appreciate.
No one wants to see you mad or storming around the
house like a C*NT! If you get pissed off or sad,
start throwing sh*t around, yelling, slamming doors or
in any other way making a scene, consider your ass
dumped and probably righteously knocked out. This
falls into RULE .1 but needs further elaboration and
clarification. Men are NOT tampons, we are not here
to make you feel comfortable and self assured. So if
you don't feel good, or you feel upset, please excuse
yourself politely without making shitty remarks or
giving crappy looks at people and AFTER making sure
everyone in the room has beer, you are free to go find
some quiet corner of the house away from everyone else
to cry out your problems. I recommend the shed. Go
bawl somewhere we can't hear you. Wake up to the fact
YOU ARE CRYING OVER NOTHING IMPORTANT and let it go
and come back with a smile and some more beer for me
and my friends. Make sure to redo your make up and
dry your eyes, I don't want my friends to think I am
dating some messy slob or a Courtney Love look-alike.
5. "HE'S JUST MY FRIEND": I'll never hear this line
of sh*t from you for any reason. Your friend is
either a blatant "Captain Save-A-Ho" bitter pissed off
he hasn't banged you (stealing your panties and taking
secret photos of you when you are not looking) or he
is some bitch of a man who constantly ends up being
your perpetual shoulder to cry on for all the mistakes
YOU made in relationships that got you smacked,
dumped, abused and used. Cut the crap. He is gone,
so write him of so we can move on to better things
(like you sucking me off at the next sex party).
6. "MY X-BOYFRIEND (or husband) WON'T LEAVE ME
ALONE!!" : And for good reason, YOU STILL F*CKING
TALK TO HIM OR KEEP CONTACT WITH HIM. Some how this
guy got so wrapped up in your p*ssy and became whipped
that he can't rightly move on and land some other
cuter girl. This is a direct result of you trying to
dominate a man and a direct result of you trying to
play the role of the victim to gain sympathy and
attention. Your attempts to play the victim of some
stalker is seen for what it is: Attention getting
drama at its worst. I am not here to save you from
your psycho x-boyfriends. You claim you only talk to
him or deal with his bullsh*t to either "get my stuff
back" or because "he owes me money" but what you are
doing is perpetuating a lost cause, a last ditch
effort at making more drama to get you more attention
and make others feel sorry for you. Knock of the crap
and you probably wouldn't be in this situation to
begin with. How in the world you ended up in such a
situation where you lose your stuff and money is just
beyond me. But lets face it, really, your sh*t isn't
half as important as keeping me happy and you
boyfriend and I am frankly sick of hearing your
bullsh*t drama.
7. “I WAS JUST TALKING WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS
SMACKED ME FOR NO REASON OR TOLD ME TO SHUT THE F*CK
UP”: Yep, and he was right. When my friends are
talking, you are not. Stop trying to be the center of
attention and let us boys do what we always do. Look,
believe it or not, there MAY be an occasion when I ask
for your opinion on a matter or offer you the chance
to make a real suggestion. Don’t screw it up by
constantly piping off about matters you have NO REASON
to talk about! Subjects not to cross: Crew Business,
one of my friend’s old ladies, or why my bro screws 20
chicks a week. Just leave it be and shut the hell up
already! No one wants to hear the crap from you or
hear your moral take on our lives. Stop chiming in
like an annoying bell we’ll only end up BREAKING.
Contrary to societal beliefs and the law, I don’t find
anything wrong in violence being used to silence you
or anyone else if it warrants it. There is reason to
smack anyone down provided there is enough stimuli and
provocation. No one is immune, NO ONE. Believe me,
there is a good reason to throw and old lady down a
flight of stairs with enough provocation.
8. TO HELL WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS: Lets make
this completely clear: THEY HAVE NO SAY IN WHAT WE
DO. If you think your dad is so damn tough and needs
to shoot off his mouth about sh*t he has no reason to
talk about, consider his ass beat. “But my dad is
SOOOO tough and mean”, yeah right. Your dad tosses
salads in the prisons my friends long dominated. Your
mom is a fat middle aged bitch who is just mad at the
world she didn’t get laid as much when she was
semi-decent looking back in the day and now has to put
up with your limp-dicked impotent dad. Your
girlfriend is a c*nt who needs to shut her f*cking
hole and stay out of our business before she ends up
in the ground somewhere. I’ve utterly destroyed
family bonds and smashed “friends” of yours in the
face countless times before, what makes you think I
will stop now? Keep them out of our business and I
will remain courteous and nice to them. If they shoot
off at the mouth FOR ANY REASON, I expect you to shut
them up immediately. If you are unwilling or unable
to shut them up, consider the problem solved… BY ME!
Annoying family and friends = One more lonely
depressed girl who will no doubt be getting fat eating
bon bons while crying her ass off. Crying to your
friends and family about my friends or our problems
equals your friends and family getting beat and you
being alone.
9. “I WAS (RAPED/ABUSED/MOLESTED/BEAT) BY MY (FAMILY
MEMBER, X-BOYFRIEND)”: Oh great. One of the biggest
modern day crocks of crap and your personal excuse and
scapegoat for every emotional outburst and mental
breakdown. Look, EVERYONE had a sh*tty childhood or
hooked up with a truly evil spouse at some point in
their life. SO FRIGGIN WHAT!!! Grow the f*ck up,
move on and stop dwelling in the past. If a
Psychologist EVER has told you that you are a “victim”
or that you were “abused and molested unbeknownst to
you”, then you are ONE DUMB B*TCH for believing him
and rightly deserve the ridicule that me and my
friends give you. If you genuinely suffered abuse in
you life, look, sorry it happened to you but everyone
is adults now and its time you grow the hell up and
stop living in the past. GET OVER IT.
10. “YOUR FRIENDS TREAT WOMEN SO HORRIBLY”: Actually
they are apathetic at worst, you just blow it into
something it is not. The fact of the matter is that
most agenda filled women feel that way about us
because we don’t cater to their crap and because we
are sane enough not to put up with their crap. Thus,
because we don’t tolerate THEIR sh*t, you think we
treat women badly. Its our RULE that you will stop
ranting and thinking that way. It’s a waste of time,
completely inaccurate and wholly irresponsible on your
part to think that way or repeat it to other women in
hopes of “saving them” from my friends and me.
Actually, you are saying much more about yourself when
you talk sh*t about us and delegitimize any possible
legitimate beefs you may have had with us. You lose
the moral high ground when you repeat emotionally
laden exaggerations rather than logical facts. Stop
being such a predictable pain in the ass and have fun
without a crazy ass agenda and we might stop laughing
at you and throwing beer cans at your sobbing ass.
Btw, anytime a woman says “Whatever” it means: “You
are a man and correctly right about all you are
saying. I am being emotional and have no logical way
to counter you sane logic that proves me an emotional
mess and you have won the argument because you’ve
reduced me to saying “whatever”. I am sorry I am an
emotional wreck and illogical but I have no way to
counter reason other than to have emotional breakdowns
and say this”.
11. “I DON’T DO THAT IN BED, ITS DISGUSTING!”: That’s
Ok. I don’t expect you do everything I want you to do
in bed. But do expect me to find a hot chick that
will. Grow up and stop being such a moralistic crap
head. You are gonna wish by the age of 35 that you
had done all the things guys wanted you to do when you
were still young and fresh between the ages of 18-30.
So you don’t wanna get fisted, do anal and have sex on
your period? Well guess what? The guys who were
slightly interested in you moved on and found a chick
who ain’t such a prude. Much like them, I’ll lose
interest and tell you to leave eventually to make room
for the hot girl(s) who will do nasty things on
command. Besides, honestly said, I don’t want to be a
degenerate sex monster 24/7, but KNOWING I have the
ability to do anything to you at anytime goes a long
way toward keeping you around. Just having that
satisfaction goes a long way. Girl Response: “What a
pig! How horrible!” My Response: “Go away you fat
mouthy bitch”.
12. “DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?” No, that
dress doesn’t make you look fat. The 3,000 candy
bars, McDonald’s value meals and Ben and Jerry’s Ice
Cream makes you look fat. Don’t ever ask me that
stupid question or you might get an answer that makes
you very sad. Look, if I am still nailing you,
chances are that you are doing just fine and look
great. If you notice that I disappear for days/weeks
on end and that I haven’t touched you since Nixon ran
for office, then you are probably a fat whore who
desperately needs to go to the gym and stop eating for
a while. Remember, THE ASS PURCHASES THE MAN. Work
on it girl, work on it.
13. “MY FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER NEEDS A LOAN TO GET BY”:
Well, after careful consideration I’ve decided to beat
their asses and slap you at least once. The answer is
no. Who the f*ck helps us??? NO ONE, and for good
reason: There is too much bullsh*t attached to loans
to these people and I wouldn’t accept their help even
if in a million years I ever needed it.
14. “HOW COME NO MATTER WHAT I DO, YOU YELL AT ME? I
DON’T KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GONNA YELL AT ME NEXT OR TELL
ME I AM DOING WRONG! BOO HOO, SOB, CHOKE, CRY, SOB BOO
HOO”: First off, when I tell you something that you
don’t like, I am not yelling at you. I am being sane
and addressing an issue that you should have had the
foresight to prevent. If you used and ounce of
prevention instead of constantly having me pay 200
pounds of cure each time you f*cked up, I would
probably be in a much better disposition. Second, it
all boils down to doing the right thing and thinking
ahead using common sense. Well, I guess that’s the
problem. I expected and adult woman to be sane and
logical.
15. GIRLS WHO BUY ME PORN AND COOK FOR ME RULE MY
WORLD: Lets face it, there are far too few gals out
there my age (or younger, hehe) that know how to cook
a really awesome meal. Not enough can be said for a
woman that cooks great. Also, buying me porn doesn’t
make me love you, it makes me realize that you are not
some prude I am gonna have to dump as soon as the next
hot chick comes around. Goes without saying, if you
do these things for me, your chances of sticking
around dramatically increase. Also, clean the f*cking
house would you? No one likes a messy b*tch.
16. “YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY/OUR ANNIVERSARY”: And for
good reason. These agendas conflict with me living a
peaceful happy life free of the social guilt and
burden placed upon people to celebrate (i.e. purchase
good for) events that just don’t mean that much to me.
Yeah, I will get you something cool if I can remember
but if you flip out cause I don’t, well, there is
certainly some other girl out there (probably a really
cute/hot chick) that doesn’t have a birthday today and
won’t b*tch at me. Give me a nudge and I try not to
piss you off on your holy special day. But consider
this, for at least a week a month you are total b*tch
for no damn reason other than you are “going through
your cycle”. I would think that a woman who has had
as many periods as you would know by now how to cope
with it by now. None-the-less, me forgetting your
birthday or anniversary pales in comparison to your
mental break downs, illogical nature and screaming
rants during you “cycle”. Your cycle needs a tune up,
so work on it.
17. “IS IT OK IF I BRING A FRIEND?” Sure, only if it
is a hot chick that you will let me and my friends
take turns on for the night. What? Your friend is a
“guy”?? F*CK OFF!!! Hell no you can’t bring some
cock-blocking captain-save-a-ho, what the hell are you
thinking??! I find it hard to believe that someone I
am considering dating would be this friggin stupid.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, leave that fat mouth b*tch
friend of yours at the trailer park, none of us want
to hear it. Get real girl, are you sane??? You can
bring an ugly friend only if she brings TONS of GOOD
beer and only is she shuts up and sucks c*ck on the
ugly guys hanging around. I barely like the cool,
good-looking people I know, so take that into
consideration.
18. SHUT OFF YOUR GOD DAMN CELL PHONE: When around
me, turn that god damn cell phone off or I’ll smash it
into your forehead. I hate your “male
friends” who want to call you and make sure you are
alive and your stupid c*nt girlfriends who just want
to call and tell you how much c*ck they’ve sucked all
night. Your captain-save-a-hos better get lost really
quick cause I am not putting up with their skulking
little punk assses and I ain’t gonna have your stupid
friends calling just to interrupt our time and take
your attention away from me. You can turn on your
cell phone ONLY to call hot chicks to invite to a
party or for a threesome between you, me and the hot
girlfriend you have that I’ll end up f*cking more than
you. You can only call hot chicks over to the party
if you make it short. If they need to be convinced to
come to a party for 20 minutes, they are dumb
trouble-making c*nts who need to stay at home. TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE COMPLETELY. I don’t want any
messages, calls or beeps coming out of that thing
while I am talking you into anal on the first date.
19. “I LOVE JESUS”: You are absolutely worthless.
Pray you live through the night. I can’t begin to
express my utter contempt for you and your ilk. You
stupid f*cking moron, a hatred of a thousand hells
couldn’t rightly express my disgust for you and your
impaled jew-god. F*ck off. Chance are that I am
plotting your slow degrading death at the hands of me
and my fellow anti-christs who plan on using your
bones to write praises to the All-Father. You are not
even worthy of the respect I’d give a maggot.
20. What is MINE is MINE: Want the good life? Wanna
live an opulent life filled with expensive gifts,
dinner and movies? FORGET IT. It ain’t gonna happen.
I am not wasting money on you cause I have more
important things to spend it on: My friends and
myself. Get away from my cash. You give me yours.
That’s how it works, b*tch.
21. NO COPS: If you ever, and I mean, EVER call the
cops for any reason, you just became a missing person.
If questioned by the cops you always say “I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY”. Keep your damn mouth shut and don’t
get involved in cop business. Try suing us or
pressing charges against me or my friends and I
guarantee you that I will rot in prison the rest of my
life if that’s what it takes to kill your punk ass.
22. A CLEAN LIFE: I hate a dump, so clean it up. I
hate a girl who doesn’t take pride in herself or her
house. CLEAN IT UP. Girls don’t fart, I don’t think
they even poop, so don’t do it around me. If my house
is out of order, CLEAN IT UP. If there is any mess
anywhere around us, CLEAN IT UP. Stop being a slob.
24. “ALL YOU EVER WANT WITH ME IS SEX”: While there
is some merit in this statement, it is not entirely
true. However, if you are too busy or too tired to
put out, I will find cute chicks who don’t have such
pressing schedules. Yes, you are that expendable so
get with the program and come off with the ass.
Enough is enough, its time to get laid and be happy.
Who are you saving that sh*t for? Prince Charming?
Well, I am Prince Alarming and that sh*t ain’t like a
fine wine, cause it don’t get better with age. Hand
it over while I am interested or I WILL wander. I
don’t have to waste time convincing you it is a good
idea to put out when there are so many girls I can get
at will.
25. CIGARETTES: NO ONE should ever smoke, especially
women. It’s a filthy, nasty habit that girls pick up
around age 12-14 so they can be rebels, cover up the
smell of their nasty c*nts, piss off boyfriends or
just use it as a crutch to lean on when they are being
emotional. Addictions are for low-life and whimps.
Cry yourself to death before you smoke. How many
lives have been inconvenienced, interrupted or
infringed upon by smoking fag-ass cigarettes? How
many times have you frozen your ass off or made trips
in the middle of the f*cking night for those sh*tty
cigarettes? How many times have your friends been
dragged to some jackhole store just to get you a pack
of smokes? How many times have you compromised the
quality of life for you and those around you because
you just HAD to buy cigarettes? Be honest, you’ve
spent your LAST DIME on MANY occasions just to buy
cigarettes you f*cking nicotine whore. You hold that
little gay-ass white cigarette in your hand and flaunt
it at everyone, not realizing how stupid and trashy
you look. Go live in a trailer. I hope your
brown-stained finger and puke-yellow walls are worth
the habit you f*cking smoke-ass whore. Your cloths
smell like sh*t, your hair is nicotine blasted and
ratty, your teeth are stained and you talk and cough
like a sailor. THE ONLY REASON YOU LEARNED TO SMOKE
WAS TO BE INDEPENDENT AND PISS OFF MEN. No matter the
cause, want or need, it always happens when you get
“Stessed” (which for a woman is about every time she
doesn’t get her way, right away). Blubbering over
events you could have controlled with common sense and
prevention, your tear-stained eyes see the pack of
cigarettes in front of you as you greedily light the
last one, crying that its your last one until I get
back with your car (which may be a few days if you are
blubbering about and smoking). Sobbing, choking on
smoke, inhaling nicotine and fag-ass tobacco in your
lungs you feel the peace come over you no matter the
problem because your god damned addiction is sated if
but for a few minutes. Pathetic, trashy, and just
plain disgusting. You smoke-ass whore, will you be my
wife? What is not to love about a smoke-ass whore?
26. “I LOVE MY PETS”: I hate your pets. Not that I
have a problem with animals, hell, I generally prefer
their company over humans, but your pets compromise
your quality of life and stink cause you don’t take
proper care of them. You never change the litter, you
always feed them the wrong stuff, thus their sh*t
stinks to high hell. You “LOVE THEM SO MUCH” but in
truth, you are too lazy and stupid to properly take
care of them and they have become a health hazard and
a liability due to your neglect. I hate your pets and
I secretly plot of ways to get RID of them while you
are gone. In fact, remember that really nasty dog you
had that ran away? Or that cat you didn’t change the
litter box for in like 5 months? Yep, pets have a
habit of disappearing around me cause I won’t
compromise my health for your sh*t-stained furry
creatures. Go buy a spider, a snake, ya know,
something that doesn’t sh*t so much. For someone who
“loves your pets so much” you never figured that
taking them to the vet and cleaning up their shit
would do for them did you? You pets will be sent to
the pound, turned over to decent people who will take
care of them or simply returned to nature if you don’t
take care of them. Plus, I will slap your ass silly
if I see an animal suffering due to your neglect.
27. MUSIC: Generally speaking, you music sucks.
Unless it is in my CD Collection, I don’t like it.
Screw your sh*tty music. If you annoy me with it,
your CDs will become my skeet shoot next time I go to
the range.
28. RELIGION AND POLITICS: I don’t give a rats ass to
debate these issues with anyone. If you are not like
me then you better wise up quick because I will not
tolerate any of the modern day pop-fad culture vices
coming into my life and I spit upon the followers of
Christ as the lost sheep they are. Piss on your
political aims and religious suffering. F*cking
Christ I don’t even discuss this sh*t with my bros,
why would I even talk to you about it? Enough is
enough, lets agree to disagree and then you just shut
up and do things my way. F*ck’s sake already.
29. “DO THESE SHOES MATCH MY DRESS?”: If I knew the
answer to this one, I’d be your hairdresser, not your
boyfriend. Enough with this crap already, you know
what works and what doesn’t. Actually, I would prefer
you in tight leather/vinyl outfits that restrict your
movement but look damn hot. I can’t even pick out
anything to wear but black so f*cking leave me alone
on this one and call up that girlfriend of your that
you pretend not to lick on.
30. “I HAVE HAD SUCH A ROUGH LIFE”: Yeah? Well its
about to get rougher. You got more issues than
Playboy, you got more baggage than Yellow Freight. A
rough life… you can’t even begin to understand what
true strife and misery is. Look, you got it made, no
matter what, if you just stay fit and become a
stripper!! Men have to work sh*t jobs that would kill
a mule every damn day. We are the hunters, protectors
and providers. Imagine doing what we do and having to
still listen to someone like you every day.
31. “I’M ON MY PERIOD, I CAN’T HAVE SEX”: Like that
friggin ever stopped you before. That is a crock of
crap and you know it. Hand it over already. I don’t
care if we ruin the new sheets you spent $300.00 on.
If you don’t want a bloody mess, anal is always and
option (though blood might also be an issue here).
32. “I CAN’T COME PARTY WITH YOUR FRIENDS CAUSE I
CAN’T FIND A BABYSITTER”: Look, it ain’t our fault
you handed it over to some stupid mullet you chase for
child support now. Tell you toothless mother to watch
the kids so you can keep my friends happy. Excuses,
excuses. You might be a hot milf, but you are not
gonna get anywhere unless you come clean with the ass
in tow. Let’s face it, we already know you got one
kid, we are using rubbers, trust us.
33. “YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SCARE MOST PEOPLE”: We
scared one who desperately need it. Mullets,
sh*t-talkers, white trash, drug addicts, non-whites
who get way retarded blaming us for their problems,
stupid a**holes, mouth b*tches, and little punk
snitches rightly fear us. If you and your friends are
afraid, you should get new friends. Otherwise, pitch
in for their hospital bills and our court costs,
because no matter what, we are gonna continue to f*ck
those kind of people up no matter what the
consequences. If we are law abiding citizens or
criminals, it is by coincidence rather than intent.
34. “I CAN’T PARTY OR GO OUT BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER BOYFRIEND”: You better tell
that stupid b*tch to f*ck off and you better get your
damn head screwed on right. I have a hard enough time
trying to keep you sane without her stupid dramatics
and input. F*ck you friend, she is a big pain in the
ass. Apparently, her boyfriend didn’t put her check
from the start and now it’s a major problem. I should
beat you all senseless.
35. YOU TALK TO DAMN MUCH: Lets face it, you got
nothing of real value to say to me or my friends, so
lets keep it down, shall we? Why must you chime in
all the time? Why must you make comments about issues
that you had better not even know of? Just chill out
for a minute, stop having an agenda and when in
doubt.. SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY!!!
36. STAY OUT OF THE WAY OF THE XBOX/PLAYSTATION/GAME
CUBE: Next to a typical emotionally breakdown, there
is nothing sh*ttier than a woman who constantly gets
in front of our video games. We get into fist fights
over games, what makes you think that you won’t get
something thrown at you or possibly hit if you get in
the way!? GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! THE GAME IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN YOU!!!! Yes, they are just games and
yes, we do take them that seriously. Get the f*ck out
of the way and go back to the kitchen to make us some
food, btw, we also need beers. Politely hand them to
us OUTSIDE OF THE VIEW of the video games.
37. YOU WILL NOT WATCH STUPID SHOWS OR TAKE STUPID
INFLUENCES: Oprah, Dr. Phil, anything on the women’s
channel, John Edwards, Lifetime TV, Dating Shows and
emotionally filled bawl-fest movies and shows are
hereby BANNED. They just get you all worked up and
have you believing you are in a n abusive relationship
or one “devoid of love”. You are a sucker and a fool
for this sh*t so it is now banned. All for the
better, you can’t seem to separate bullsh*t modern
moralism from real life. You actually think those
jackholes who preach that sh*t live it? Dr. Phil
comes from a dysfunctional family and fingers his
nephew behind a furnace. John Edwards doesn’t talk to
ghosts, he’s a narcissistic egomaniac who has
convinced impressionable women that he talks to their
great aunt sally. Oprah completely DOMINATED her
negro uncle tom back when she was fat and could still
beat his ass. You and your emotionally crap, when are
you gonna learn. Those shows are frequented,
supported and watched by impressionable, fat, angry,
opinionated, loud and lonely women. Wanna be one?
Keep learning that crap they spout off about and keep
trying to enforce their suggestions around me and my
friends. Chances are that if you try this crap around
us, you’ll be a star on one of those talk shows.
You’ll be one of the few women to survive a boot party
by our angry girlfriends.
38. GIRLS NIGHT OUT: Lets be honest, girls night out
is a time when you and your friends go cock hunting.
The friends you have that are prone to do the most
cock hunting are the fat loud ones, followed by the
bitter 30-somethings and then the dumb whores that
make up the rest of your pack of friends. Unlike boys
night out which includes beer and fighting, your night
starts and ends with cock gazing, flirting, getting
free drinks from guys who want to bang you and giving
out you cell phone number to potential cock calls.
Stay at home you stupid whore before you pick up a
stalker I’ll end up having to beat.
39. “I HAVE TO GO TO A WEDDING”: Like hell you do.
It will only fill your head with dreams of a Christian
(gay) ceremony you will never have and it will only
tempt you into thinking that I will marry you (I
won’t). FORGET IT. Your friend found a bitch for a
boy and you got a man. This ain’t gonna happen on my
watch.
40. “I’M PREGNANT”: You got a problem. I heard the
mailman has been around the house lately. Don’t even
think about it, you ain’t getting a dime from me. Its
gonna be time to take you to the old split and suck
cause I don’t want kids with you. BTW, I hope you got
enough money for that. Its your fault after all.
[Edited on 12-23-2004 by peam]
MODERN DATING.
(Unquestionable and Defined Truths, not matter how
hard to stomach)
1. NO DRAMA: You are a grown woman and no one in
their right mind is gonna cater to your
high-maintenance, emotional breakdowns and/or obvious
lack of foresight in matters pertaining to your life
prior to meeting me. Enough is Enough. NO MORE
screaming rants, no crying episodes over bullshit
matters easily solved by correct action and logic. Be
logical, sane and PREVENT problems before they happen
and YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DRAMA!! Can you or can you not
explain matters using logic in a civil voice or are
you that much of a mess that you can not? Can you or
can you not identify drama and stamp it out even if
its from friends and loved ones? God damnit woman,
get your shit together.
2. BROS BEFORE HOS: "I can't believe you put your
friends first before me!!!" You had better get use to
it. First off, they are eternally my brothers and you
can't comprehend what we have seen, been through or
witnessed. Compared to them, YOU LOSE HANDS DOWN
EVERY TIME! While you were still crying over the fact
one of my friends called you fat (instead of going to
the gym and doing something about it) we all had a
BLAST at the local bar and strip club WITHOUT YOUR
ANTICS. Look, even *IF* you are a sane and pretty
cool chick, you gotta realize that my friends and
brothers ALWAYS come first. I will do my duties as a
man and live my life as a man with or without you.
Don't make comparisons between my friends and you,
there are none. You fill a role only a femal could,
as you don't see me f*cking my bros or jerking them
off now do you? Be happy you make me come and I like
to sleep with you. Other than that, do what you're
told and for the love of god, shut up already!
3. MY FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS:
Thre is no "Old Ladies" or "Friends' Girlfriends" club
in our crew. Cut the crap and mind your own damn
business and don't be trying to make buddies with my
friends' girlfriends. Be polite, considerate,
courteous and offer them hospitality, but KEEP IT AT
THAT. No in-depth discussions or conversations with
them or trying to find out what each of us guys do or
you will probably get knocked out. Mind your own
business and never talk our business with anyone. You
will not compromise my firends or be a shoulder to cry
on for their pissed off, bitter and ranting old ladies
or girlfriends. If any girlfriend of my bros tries to
confront you about anything other than simple chit
chat, TELL THEM YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF IT OR
DISCUSS IT FURTHER. You don' t need or want to know
anything or any gossip about what they may or may not
be doing. Talk to my friends' girlfriends about
mundane simple crap like flowers, music, and other
simple crap. Keep it simple and keep them all at a
comfortable distanance. NO secret conversations or
back-talk of any kind behind my or anyone else back.
IF they talk shit on a bro of mine, let me know
immediately.
4. NO SKULKING: Listen, no one needs to see you
pissed off, skulking in the corner or in any other way
trying to get attention through negative moody
emotional based antics. No sitting around being
pissed off and skulking cause someone said something
you don't like or made a joke you don't appreciate.
No one wants to see you mad or storming around the
house like a C*NT! If you get pissed off or sad,
start throwing sh*t around, yelling, slamming doors or
in any other way making a scene, consider your ass
dumped and probably righteously knocked out. This
falls into RULE .1 but needs further elaboration and
clarification. Men are NOT tampons, we are not here
to make you feel comfortable and self assured. So if
you don't feel good, or you feel upset, please excuse
yourself politely without making shitty remarks or
giving crappy looks at people and AFTER making sure
everyone in the room has beer, you are free to go find
some quiet corner of the house away from everyone else
to cry out your problems. I recommend the shed. Go
bawl somewhere we can't hear you. Wake up to the fact
YOU ARE CRYING OVER NOTHING IMPORTANT and let it go
and come back with a smile and some more beer for me
and my friends. Make sure to redo your make up and
dry your eyes, I don't want my friends to think I am
dating some messy slob or a Courtney Love look-alike.
5. "HE'S JUST MY FRIEND": I'll never hear this line
of sh*t from you for any reason. Your friend is
either a blatant "Captain Save-A-Ho" bitter pissed off
he hasn't banged you (stealing your panties and taking
secret photos of you when you are not looking) or he
is some bitch of a man who constantly ends up being
your perpetual shoulder to cry on for all the mistakes
YOU made in relationships that got you smacked,
dumped, abused and used. Cut the crap. He is gone,
so write him of so we can move on to better things
(like you sucking me off at the next sex party).
6. "MY X-BOYFRIEND (or husband) WON'T LEAVE ME
ALONE!!" : And for good reason, YOU STILL F*CKING
TALK TO HIM OR KEEP CONTACT WITH HIM. Some how this
guy got so wrapped up in your p*ssy and became whipped
that he can't rightly move on and land some other
cuter girl. This is a direct result of you trying to
dominate a man and a direct result of you trying to
play the role of the victim to gain sympathy and
attention. Your attempts to play the victim of some
stalker is seen for what it is: Attention getting
drama at its worst. I am not here to save you from
your psycho x-boyfriends. You claim you only talk to
him or deal with his bullsh*t to either "get my stuff
back" or because "he owes me money" but what you are
doing is perpetuating a lost cause, a last ditch
effort at making more drama to get you more attention
and make others feel sorry for you. Knock of the crap
and you probably wouldn't be in this situation to
begin with. How in the world you ended up in such a
situation where you lose your stuff and money is just
beyond me. But lets face it, really, your sh*t isn't
half as important as keeping me happy and you
boyfriend and I am frankly sick of hearing your
bullsh*t drama.
7. “I WAS JUST TALKING WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS
SMACKED ME FOR NO REASON OR TOLD ME TO SHUT THE F*CK
UP”: Yep, and he was right. When my friends are
talking, you are not. Stop trying to be the center of
attention and let us boys do what we always do. Look,
believe it or not, there MAY be an occasion when I ask
for your opinion on a matter or offer you the chance
to make a real suggestion. Don’t screw it up by
constantly piping off about matters you have NO REASON
to talk about! Subjects not to cross: Crew Business,
one of my friend’s old ladies, or why my bro screws 20
chicks a week. Just leave it be and shut the hell up
already! No one wants to hear the crap from you or
hear your moral take on our lives. Stop chiming in
like an annoying bell we’ll only end up BREAKING.
Contrary to societal beliefs and the law, I don’t find
anything wrong in violence being used to silence you
or anyone else if it warrants it. There is reason to
smack anyone down provided there is enough stimuli and
provocation. No one is immune, NO ONE. Believe me,
there is a good reason to throw and old lady down a
flight of stairs with enough provocation.
8. TO HELL WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS: Lets make
this completely clear: THEY HAVE NO SAY IN WHAT WE
DO. If you think your dad is so damn tough and needs
to shoot off his mouth about sh*t he has no reason to
talk about, consider his ass beat. “But my dad is
SOOOO tough and mean”, yeah right. Your dad tosses
salads in the prisons my friends long dominated. Your
mom is a fat middle aged bitch who is just mad at the
world she didn’t get laid as much when she was
semi-decent looking back in the day and now has to put
up with your limp-dicked impotent dad. Your
girlfriend is a c*nt who needs to shut her f*cking
hole and stay out of our business before she ends up
in the ground somewhere. I’ve utterly destroyed
family bonds and smashed “friends” of yours in the
face countless times before, what makes you think I
will stop now? Keep them out of our business and I
will remain courteous and nice to them. If they shoot
off at the mouth FOR ANY REASON, I expect you to shut
them up immediately. If you are unwilling or unable
to shut them up, consider the problem solved… BY ME!
Annoying family and friends = One more lonely
depressed girl who will no doubt be getting fat eating
bon bons while crying her ass off. Crying to your
friends and family about my friends or our problems
equals your friends and family getting beat and you
being alone.
9. “I WAS (RAPED/ABUSED/MOLESTED/BEAT) BY MY (FAMILY
MEMBER, X-BOYFRIEND)”: Oh great. One of the biggest
modern day crocks of crap and your personal excuse and
scapegoat for every emotional outburst and mental
breakdown. Look, EVERYONE had a sh*tty childhood or
hooked up with a truly evil spouse at some point in
their life. SO FRIGGIN WHAT!!! Grow the f*ck up,
move on and stop dwelling in the past. If a
Psychologist EVER has told you that you are a “victim”
or that you were “abused and molested unbeknownst to
you”, then you are ONE DUMB B*TCH for believing him
and rightly deserve the ridicule that me and my
friends give you. If you genuinely suffered abuse in
you life, look, sorry it happened to you but everyone
is adults now and its time you grow the hell up and
stop living in the past. GET OVER IT.
10. “YOUR FRIENDS TREAT WOMEN SO HORRIBLY”: Actually
they are apathetic at worst, you just blow it into
something it is not. The fact of the matter is that
most agenda filled women feel that way about us
because we don’t cater to their crap and because we
are sane enough not to put up with their crap. Thus,
because we don’t tolerate THEIR sh*t, you think we
treat women badly. Its our RULE that you will stop
ranting and thinking that way. It’s a waste of time,
completely inaccurate and wholly irresponsible on your
part to think that way or repeat it to other women in
hopes of “saving them” from my friends and me.
Actually, you are saying much more about yourself when
you talk sh*t about us and delegitimize any possible
legitimate beefs you may have had with us. You lose
the moral high ground when you repeat emotionally
laden exaggerations rather than logical facts. Stop
being such a predictable pain in the ass and have fun
without a crazy ass agenda and we might stop laughing
at you and throwing beer cans at your sobbing ass.
Btw, anytime a woman says “Whatever” it means: “You
are a man and correctly right about all you are
saying. I am being emotional and have no logical way
to counter you sane logic that proves me an emotional
mess and you have won the argument because you’ve
reduced me to saying “whatever”. I am sorry I am an
emotional wreck and illogical but I have no way to
counter reason other than to have emotional breakdowns
and say this”.
11. “I DON’T DO THAT IN BED, ITS DISGUSTING!”: That’s
Ok. I don’t expect you do everything I want you to do
in bed. But do expect me to find a hot chick that
will. Grow up and stop being such a moralistic crap
head. You are gonna wish by the age of 35 that you
had done all the things guys wanted you to do when you
were still young and fresh between the ages of 18-30.
So you don’t wanna get fisted, do anal and have sex on
your period? Well guess what? The guys who were
slightly interested in you moved on and found a chick
who ain’t such a prude. Much like them, I’ll lose
interest and tell you to leave eventually to make room
for the hot girl(s) who will do nasty things on
command. Besides, honestly said, I don’t want to be a
degenerate sex monster 24/7, but KNOWING I have the
ability to do anything to you at anytime goes a long
way toward keeping you around. Just having that
satisfaction goes a long way. Girl Response: “What a
pig! How horrible!” My Response: “Go away you fat
mouthy bitch”.
12. “DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?” No, that
dress doesn’t make you look fat. The 3,000 candy
bars, McDonald’s value meals and Ben and Jerry’s Ice
Cream makes you look fat. Don’t ever ask me that
stupid question or you might get an answer that makes
you very sad. Look, if I am still nailing you,
chances are that you are doing just fine and look
great. If you notice that I disappear for days/weeks
on end and that I haven’t touched you since Nixon ran
for office, then you are probably a fat whore who
desperately needs to go to the gym and stop eating for
a while. Remember, THE ASS PURCHASES THE MAN. Work
on it girl, work on it.
13. “MY FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER NEEDS A LOAN TO GET BY”:
Well, after careful consideration I’ve decided to beat
their asses and slap you at least once. The answer is
no. Who the f*ck helps us??? NO ONE, and for good
reason: There is too much bullsh*t attached to loans
to these people and I wouldn’t accept their help even
if in a million years I ever needed it.
14. “HOW COME NO MATTER WHAT I DO, YOU YELL AT ME? I
DON’T KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GONNA YELL AT ME NEXT OR TELL
ME I AM DOING WRONG! BOO HOO, SOB, CHOKE, CRY, SOB BOO
HOO”: First off, when I tell you something that you
don’t like, I am not yelling at you. I am being sane
and addressing an issue that you should have had the
foresight to prevent. If you used and ounce of
prevention instead of constantly having me pay 200
pounds of cure each time you f*cked up, I would
probably be in a much better disposition. Second, it
all boils down to doing the right thing and thinking
ahead using common sense. Well, I guess that’s the
problem. I expected and adult woman to be sane and
logical.
15. GIRLS WHO BUY ME PORN AND COOK FOR ME RULE MY
WORLD: Lets face it, there are far too few gals out
there my age (or younger, hehe) that know how to cook
a really awesome meal. Not enough can be said for a
woman that cooks great. Also, buying me porn doesn’t
make me love you, it makes me realize that you are not
some prude I am gonna have to dump as soon as the next
hot chick comes around. Goes without saying, if you
do these things for me, your chances of sticking
around dramatically increase. Also, clean the f*cking
house would you? No one likes a messy b*tch.
16. “YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY/OUR ANNIVERSARY”: And for
good reason. These agendas conflict with me living a
peaceful happy life free of the social guilt and
burden placed upon people to celebrate (i.e. purchase
good for) events that just don’t mean that much to me.
Yeah, I will get you something cool if I can remember
but if you flip out cause I don’t, well, there is
certainly some other girl out there (probably a really
cute/hot chick) that doesn’t have a birthday today and
won’t b*tch at me. Give me a nudge and I try not to
piss you off on your holy special day. But consider
this, for at least a week a month you are total b*tch
for no damn reason other than you are “going through
your cycle”. I would think that a woman who has had
as many periods as you would know by now how to cope
with it by now. None-the-less, me forgetting your
birthday or anniversary pales in comparison to your
mental break downs, illogical nature and screaming
rants during you “cycle”. Your cycle needs a tune up,
so work on it.
17. “IS IT OK IF I BRING A FRIEND?” Sure, only if it
is a hot chick that you will let me and my friends
take turns on for the night. What? Your friend is a
“guy”?? F*CK OFF!!! Hell no you can’t bring some
cock-blocking captain-save-a-ho, what the hell are you
thinking??! I find it hard to believe that someone I
am considering dating would be this friggin stupid.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, leave that fat mouth b*tch
friend of yours at the trailer park, none of us want
to hear it. Get real girl, are you sane??? You can
bring an ugly friend only if she brings TONS of GOOD
beer and only is she shuts up and sucks c*ck on the
ugly guys hanging around. I barely like the cool,
good-looking people I know, so take that into
consideration.
18. SHUT OFF YOUR GOD DAMN CELL PHONE: When around
me, turn that god damn cell phone off or I’ll smash it
into your forehead. I hate your “male
friends” who want to call you and make sure you are
alive and your stupid c*nt girlfriends who just want
to call and tell you how much c*ck they’ve sucked all
night. Your captain-save-a-hos better get lost really
quick cause I am not putting up with their skulking
little punk assses and I ain’t gonna have your stupid
friends calling just to interrupt our time and take
your attention away from me. You can turn on your
cell phone ONLY to call hot chicks to invite to a
party or for a threesome between you, me and the hot
girlfriend you have that I’ll end up f*cking more than
you. You can only call hot chicks over to the party
if you make it short. If they need to be convinced to
come to a party for 20 minutes, they are dumb
trouble-making c*nts who need to stay at home. TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE COMPLETELY. I don’t want any
messages, calls or beeps coming out of that thing
while I am talking you into anal on the first date.
19. “I LOVE JESUS”: You are absolutely worthless.
Pray you live through the night. I can’t begin to
express my utter contempt for you and your ilk. You
stupid f*cking moron, a hatred of a thousand hells
couldn’t rightly express my disgust for you and your
impaled jew-god. F*ck off. Chance are that I am
plotting your slow degrading death at the hands of me
and my fellow anti-christs who plan on using your
bones to write praises to the All-Father. You are not
even worthy of the respect I’d give a maggot.
20. What is MINE is MINE: Want the good life? Wanna
live an opulent life filled with expensive gifts,
dinner and movies? FORGET IT. It ain’t gonna happen.
I am not wasting money on you cause I have more
important things to spend it on: My friends and
myself. Get away from my cash. You give me yours.
That’s how it works, b*tch.
21. NO COPS: If you ever, and I mean, EVER call the
cops for any reason, you just became a missing person.
If questioned by the cops you always say “I HAVE
NOTHING TO SAY”. Keep your damn mouth shut and don’t
get involved in cop business. Try suing us or
pressing charges against me or my friends and I
guarantee you that I will rot in prison the rest of my
life if that’s what it takes to kill your punk ass.
22. A CLEAN LIFE: I hate a dump, so clean it up. I
hate a girl who doesn’t take pride in herself or her
house. CLEAN IT UP. Girls don’t fart, I don’t think
they even poop, so don’t do it around me. If my house
is out of order, CLEAN IT UP. If there is any mess
anywhere around us, CLEAN IT UP. Stop being a slob.
24. “ALL YOU EVER WANT WITH ME IS SEX”: While there
is some merit in this statement, it is not entirely
true. However, if you are too busy or too tired to
put out, I will find cute chicks who don’t have such
pressing schedules. Yes, you are that expendable so
get with the program and come off with the ass.
Enough is enough, its time to get laid and be happy.
Who are you saving that sh*t for? Prince Charming?
Well, I am Prince Alarming and that sh*t ain’t like a
fine wine, cause it don’t get better with age. Hand
it over while I am interested or I WILL wander. I
don’t have to waste time convincing you it is a good
idea to put out when there are so many girls I can get
at will.
25. CIGARETTES: NO ONE should ever smoke, especially
women. It’s a filthy, nasty habit that girls pick up
around age 12-14 so they can be rebels, cover up the
smell of their nasty c*nts, piss off boyfriends or
just use it as a crutch to lean on when they are being
emotional. Addictions are for low-life and whimps.
Cry yourself to death before you smoke. How many
lives have been inconvenienced, interrupted or
infringed upon by smoking fag-ass cigarettes? How
many times have you frozen your ass off or made trips
in the middle of the f*cking night for those sh*tty
cigarettes? How many times have your friends been
dragged to some jackhole store just to get you a pack
of smokes? How many times have you compromised the
quality of life for you and those around you because
you just HAD to buy cigarettes? Be honest, you’ve
spent your LAST DIME on MANY occasions just to buy
cigarettes you f*cking nicotine whore. You hold that
little gay-ass white cigarette in your hand and flaunt
it at everyone, not realizing how stupid and trashy
you look. Go live in a trailer. I hope your
brown-stained finger and puke-yellow walls are worth
the habit you f*cking smoke-ass whore. Your cloths
smell like sh*t, your hair is nicotine blasted and
ratty, your teeth are stained and you talk and cough
like a sailor. THE ONLY REASON YOU LEARNED TO SMOKE
WAS TO BE INDEPENDENT AND PISS OFF MEN. No matter the
cause, want or need, it always happens when you get
“Stessed” (which for a woman is about every time she
doesn’t get her way, right away). Blubbering over
events you could have controlled with common sense and
prevention, your tear-stained eyes see the pack of
cigarettes in front of you as you greedily light the
last one, crying that its your last one until I get
back with your car (which may be a few days if you are
blubbering about and smoking). Sobbing, choking on
smoke, inhaling nicotine and fag-ass tobacco in your
lungs you feel the peace come over you no matter the
problem because your god damned addiction is sated if
but for a few minutes. Pathetic, trashy, and just
plain disgusting. You smoke-ass whore, will you be my
wife? What is not to love about a smoke-ass whore?
26. “I LOVE MY PETS”: I hate your pets. Not that I
have a problem with animals, hell, I generally prefer
their company over humans, but your pets compromise
your quality of life and stink cause you don’t take
proper care of them. You never change the litter, you
always feed them the wrong stuff, thus their sh*t
stinks to high hell. You “LOVE THEM SO MUCH” but in
truth, you are too lazy and stupid to properly take
care of them and they have become a health hazard and
a liability due to your neglect. I hate your pets and
I secretly plot of ways to get RID of them while you
are gone. In fact, remember that really nasty dog you
had that ran away? Or that cat you didn’t change the
litter box for in like 5 months? Yep, pets have a
habit of disappearing around me cause I won’t
compromise my health for your sh*t-stained furry
creatures. Go buy a spider, a snake, ya know,
something that doesn’t sh*t so much. For someone who
“loves your pets so much” you never figured that
taking them to the vet and cleaning up their shit
would do for them did you? You pets will be sent to
the pound, turned over to decent people who will take
care of them or simply returned to nature if you don’t
take care of them. Plus, I will slap your ass silly
if I see an animal suffering due to your neglect.
27. MUSIC: Generally speaking, you music sucks.
Unless it is in my CD Collection, I don’t like it.
Screw your sh*tty music. If you annoy me with it,
your CDs will become my skeet shoot next time I go to
the range.
28. RELIGION AND POLITICS: I don’t give a rats ass to
debate these issues with anyone. If you are not like
me then you better wise up quick because I will not
tolerate any of the modern day pop-fad culture vices
coming into my life and I spit upon the followers of
Christ as the lost sheep they are. Piss on your
political aims and religious suffering. F*cking
Christ I don’t even discuss this sh*t with my bros,
why would I even talk to you about it? Enough is
enough, lets agree to disagree and then you just shut
up and do things my way. F*ck’s sake already.
29. “DO THESE SHOES MATCH MY DRESS?”: If I knew the
answer to this one, I’d be your hairdresser, not your
boyfriend. Enough with this crap already, you know
what works and what doesn’t. Actually, I would prefer
you in tight leather/vinyl outfits that restrict your
movement but look damn hot. I can’t even pick out
anything to wear but black so f*cking leave me alone
on this one and call up that girlfriend of your that
you pretend not to lick on.
30. “I HAVE HAD SUCH A ROUGH LIFE”: Yeah? Well its
about to get rougher. You got more issues than
Playboy, you got more baggage than Yellow Freight. A
rough life… you can’t even begin to understand what
true strife and misery is. Look, you got it made, no
matter what, if you just stay fit and become a
stripper!! Men have to work sh*t jobs that would kill
a mule every damn day. We are the hunters, protectors
and providers. Imagine doing what we do and having to
still listen to someone like you every day.
31. “I’M ON MY PERIOD, I CAN’T HAVE SEX”: Like that
friggin ever stopped you before. That is a crock of
crap and you know it. Hand it over already. I don’t
care if we ruin the new sheets you spent $300.00 on.
If you don’t want a bloody mess, anal is always and
option (though blood might also be an issue here).
32. “I CAN’T COME PARTY WITH YOUR FRIENDS CAUSE I
CAN’T FIND A BABYSITTER”: Look, it ain’t our fault
you handed it over to some stupid mullet you chase for
child support now. Tell you toothless mother to watch
the kids so you can keep my friends happy. Excuses,
excuses. You might be a hot milf, but you are not
gonna get anywhere unless you come clean with the ass
in tow. Let’s face it, we already know you got one
kid, we are using rubbers, trust us.
33. “YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SCARE MOST PEOPLE”: We
scared one who desperately need it. Mullets,
sh*t-talkers, white trash, drug addicts, non-whites
who get way retarded blaming us for their problems,
stupid a**holes, mouth b*tches, and little punk
snitches rightly fear us. If you and your friends are
afraid, you should get new friends. Otherwise, pitch
in for their hospital bills and our court costs,
because no matter what, we are gonna continue to f*ck
those kind of people up no matter what the
consequences. If we are law abiding citizens or
criminals, it is by coincidence rather than intent.
34. “I CAN’T PARTY OR GO OUT BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER BOYFRIEND”: You better tell
that stupid b*tch to f*ck off and you better get your
damn head screwed on right. I have a hard enough time
trying to keep you sane without her stupid dramatics
and input. F*ck you friend, she is a big pain in the
ass. Apparently, her boyfriend didn’t put her check
from the start and now it’s a major problem. I should
beat you all senseless.
35. YOU TALK TO DAMN MUCH: Lets face it, you got
nothing of real value to say to me or my friends, so
lets keep it down, shall we? Why must you chime in
all the time? Why must you make comments about issues
that you had better not even know of? Just chill out
for a minute, stop having an agenda and when in
doubt.. SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY!!!
36. STAY OUT OF THE WAY OF THE XBOX/PLAYSTATION/GAME
CUBE: Next to a typical emotionally breakdown, there
is nothing sh*ttier than a woman who constantly gets
in front of our video games. We get into fist fights
over games, what makes you think that you won’t get
something thrown at you or possibly hit if you get in
the way!? GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! THE GAME IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN YOU!!!! Yes, they are just games and
yes, we do take them that seriously. Get the f*ck out
of the way and go back to the kitchen to make us some
food, btw, we also need beers. Politely hand them to
us OUTSIDE OF THE VIEW of the video games.
37. YOU WILL NOT WATCH STUPID SHOWS OR TAKE STUPID
INFLUENCES: Oprah, Dr. Phil, anything on the women’s
channel, John Edwards, Lifetime TV, Dating Shows and
emotionally filled bawl-fest movies and shows are
hereby BANNED. They just get you all worked up and
have you believing you are in a n abusive relationship
or one “devoid of love”. You are a sucker and a fool
for this sh*t so it is now banned. All for the
better, you can’t seem to separate bullsh*t modern
moralism from real life. You actually think those
jackholes who preach that sh*t live it? Dr. Phil
comes from a dysfunctional family and fingers his
nephew behind a furnace. John Edwards doesn’t talk to
ghosts, he’s a narcissistic egomaniac who has
convinced impressionable women that he talks to their
great aunt sally. Oprah completely DOMINATED her
negro uncle tom back when she was fat and could still
beat his ass. You and your emotionally crap, when are
you gonna learn. Those shows are frequented,
supported and watched by impressionable, fat, angry,
opinionated, loud and lonely women. Wanna be one?
Keep learning that crap they spout off about and keep
trying to enforce their suggestions around me and my
friends. Chances are that if you try this crap around
us, you’ll be a star on one of those talk shows.
You’ll be one of the few women to survive a boot party
by our angry girlfriends.
38. GIRLS NIGHT OUT: Lets be honest, girls night out
is a time when you and your friends go cock hunting.
The friends you have that are prone to do the most
cock hunting are the fat loud ones, followed by the
bitter 30-somethings and then the dumb whores that
make up the rest of your pack of friends. Unlike boys
night out which includes beer and fighting, your night
starts and ends with cock gazing, flirting, getting
free drinks from guys who want to bang you and giving
out you cell phone number to potential cock calls.
Stay at home you stupid whore before you pick up a
stalker I’ll end up having to beat.
39. “I HAVE TO GO TO A WEDDING”: Like hell you do.
It will only fill your head with dreams of a Christian
(gay) ceremony you will never have and it will only
tempt you into thinking that I will marry you (I
won’t). FORGET IT. Your friend found a bitch for a
boy and you got a man. This ain’t gonna happen on my
watch.
40. “I’M PREGNANT”: You got a problem. I heard the
mailman has been around the house lately. Don’t even
think about it, you ain’t getting a dime from me. Its
gonna be time to take you to the old split and suck
cause I don’t want kids with you. BTW, I hope you got
enough money for that. Its your fault after all.
[Edited on 12-23-2004 by peam]