2nd axe alter attempt - two options

[Viekn]

This is the most fun I've had in awhile. I'd like opinions on these two options. I haven't submitted these via my Sadie scroll yet and have tried to stay within the guidelines the QC GM outlined for me earlier. I do fully understand that alters are personal and what may seem cool to me may be horrible to someone else. I'm more or less looking for opinions on wording and syntax, it doesn't have to be the alter to end all alters like Ardwen's "weathered leather jacket with xenium stitching holding together the tears from former battles".

an ancient crimson-runed waraxe: The viciously sharp edge of the waraxe marks this as a tool meant to cleave flesh from bone. The ancient runes upon the blade, once white, are now stained a dark crimson, leaving little doubt of the waraxe’s ability to wreak havoc upon the battlefield.

An ancient spike-bladed toporok: The expert crafting of this weapon has resulted in jagged spikes along the blade edge meant to rip apart flesh as it both enters and exits the body. The brutal design of the toporok appears meant to cause a slow and dreadful death. There is perfect balance between the blade and handle, allowing the user to chop vigorously from one body to the next.

PS: I'm really not as dark IRL as the alters make me sound.

[Taernath]

I like the first one more.

The second feels a little awkward with "The expert crafting of this weapon has resulted in jagged spikes along the blade...". Why would expert crafting result in jagged spikes? Maybe "jagged spikes along the blade edge have been expertly crafted to..."

[Viekn]

I like the first one more.

The second feels a little awkward with "The expert crafting of this weapon has resulted in jagged spikes along the blade...". Why would expert crafting result in jagged spikes? Maybe "jagged spikes along the blade edge have been expertly crafted to..."

My intent was that it would take expert crafting to result in jagged spikes along what is normally a thin sharp blade, but I can see what you mean, and your wording makes a bit more sense, which is important. Thanks.

The first one I feel is a bit more traditional, but I think the show description flows a bit better. But I also like the second because of it not being so traditional. We'll see. Shit, maybe I'll grab another perfect axe and get them both done. I've got enough points left to do two alters and one more lighten/deepen. Trying to use all my points by the end of the month so I can drop back down to regular prime without leaving anything on the table.

[ApexDak]

So the blade is spiked? Interesting.

I'm pretty stuck on "once white, are now stained crimson". If they're now crimson, how do we know they were once white? The owner of the axe might, sure, but not anyone else that looks at it.

[Viekn]

So the blade is spiked? Interesting.

I'm pretty stuck on "once white, are now stained crimson". If they're now crimson, how do we know they were once white? The owner of the axe might, sure, but not anyone else that looks at it.

The GM who gave it the quick QC check seemed to be ok with that part actually, though I get where you're coming from. Again, my "intent" on that sentence is that the person looking could simply see some areas of white still peaking through in certain parts, without me actually having to write that out because it'd be long as shit to have to do that.

[ApexDak]

an ancient INSERTYOURRACE-runed waraxe:

Perched atop a haft of INSERTYOURFAVORITEWOOD rests a head of INSERTMETAL, sweeping out in a graceful arc to form a wicked edge that appears easily capable of cleaving through flesh and bone. Adorning the cheeks of the head are archaic INSERTYOURRACE runes, stained a deep, dark red reminiscent of dried blood and rendered indiscernible by the wear of time. The haft itself is weighted near the grip to create a precise balance, allowing the user to flow easily from one strike to the next on the battlefield.

[Androidpk]

https://eternalhunt.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/khorne-end-times-release-7.jpg

[zennsunni]

I'll bite. So your alter is, in my opinion, too narrative, which I think is a common problem with alters; for example, why is something viciously sharp? I'd say the sharper something is, the less vicious it would be (think scalpels). I think highly descriptive alters are far more compelling, and if you want an example of this approach, look no further than the Bergreham article on gswiki. In a word, I would say this style is more objective - the tone of the show shouldn't really 'give a shit' about the item, but rather emphasize what is noteworthy about it. Below I've tried to take your alter and re-envision it more in-line with this approach, so feel free to take a look.

Show: The sweeping blade of this waraxe shows a clear martial provenance, its finely honed arc perfectly suited to shearing flesh and bone. Ancient runes inset into the flat of the blade, perhaps once easily visible, are now darkened with the bloodshed of ages past. A practical leather wrap twines around the haft, its dark stains a further testament of use upon the battlefield.

[Viekn]

an ancient INSERTYOURRACE-runed waraxe:

Perched atop a haft of INSERTYOURFAVORITEWOOD rests a head of INSERTMETAL, sweeping out in a graceful arc to form a wicked edge that appears easily capable of cleaving through flesh and bone. Adorning the cheeks of the head are archaic INSERTYOURRACE runes, stained a deep, dark red reminiscent of dried blood and rendered indiscernible by the wear of time. The haft itself is weighted near the grip to create a precise balance, allowing the user to flow easily from one strike to the next on the battlefield.

That's a sweet show as well. I really like the "sweeping out in a graceful arc to form a wicked edge that appears easily capable of cleaving through flesh and bone". For my case specifically it won't work because I'm using premium points to make the alter and via that system you can't use special metals or woods. The <<insert your race>> runes is also a good idea and one I considered, but if you want to retain retail value in the future, you've limited your customer base to that race, assuming they are purchasing your item because they like the alter, which may or may not be true. They could always re-alter it, but having it apply to all races saves them the trouble and possibly allows you an easier and more lucrative sale in the future. I'm not designing mine specifically for that intent, but I never know in the future.

[ApexDak]

That's a sweet show as well. I really like the "sweeping out in a graceful arc to form a wicked edge that appears easily capable of cleaving through flesh and bone". For my case specifically it won't work because I'm using premium points to make the alter and via that system you can't use special metals or woods. The <<insert your race>> runes is also a good idea and one I considered, but if you want to retain retail value in the future, you've limited your customer base to that race, assuming they are purchasing your item because they like the alter, which may or may not be true. They could always re-alter it, but having it apply to all races saves them the trouble and possibly allows you an easier and more lucrative sale in the future. I'm not designing mine specifically for that intent, but I never know in the future.

You can use standard woods, and the metal that the axe already is made of. Remember, you're trying to better describe the item by altering it. Even "an oak haft" helps paint the picture for the people who will see it.

[Viekn]

Show: The sweeping blade of this waraxe shows a clear martial provenance, its finely honed arc perfectly suited to shearing flesh and bone. Ancient runes inset into the flat of the blade, perhaps once easily visible, are now darkened with the bloodshed of ages past. A practical leather wrap twines around the haft, its dark stains a further testament of use upon the battlefield.

"martial provenance" - Definitely a better description than my original "marking this as a tool meant for nothing but death". Looks like someone paid attention in honors English instead of skipping to head to Denny's with his friends.

"are now darkened with the bloodshed of ages past" - Ok, now that part is just awesome.

I really appreciate the help.

[Viekn]

https://eternalhunt.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/khorne-end-times-release-7.jpg

I'd say that's more of the two handed version, but yeah, similar to that. Imagine almost like the forger was able to work barbed wire into the blade edge while the metal was still soft enough to do so. So the weight of the blade still carries it into the flesh, but the barb wire rips as it passes through and comes back out.

[zennsunni]

I'd say that's more of the two handed version, but yeah, similar to that. Imagine almost like the forger was able to work barbed wire into the blade edge while the metal was still soft enough to do so. So the weight of the blade still carries it into the flesh, but the barb wire rips as it passes through and comes back out.

This is a good example of what I mean by objective description. So if the above quote is what the OP is going for, then the blade is not sharp at all, but rather some jagged nasty thing. I sort of moved away from that though as a jagged blade is, in real life, never useful and just gets stuck in things (even if it does look good in Warhammer Chaos army illustrations!).

[Viekn]

Thanks everyone for all the suggestions. Just got it back from Sadie. Here is what I ended up with...

An ancient long-handled waraxe

Mounted atop a lengthy haft of gnarled oak rests a massive crescent axe head, sweeping out in a graceful arc to form a wicked edge that is perfectly suited for cleaving through flesh and bone. Ancient runes inset into the flat of the blade, perhaps once easily visible, are now darkened with the bloodshed of ages past. The gnarled oak handle, perfectly weighted to allow for one-handed use, is darkly stained; a further testament to its prolonged use upon the battlefield.
There appears to be something written on it.
>read my waraxe
In the Common language, it reads:
Nemesis

[Velfi]

RIP deathaxe, you won't be missed.

[Viekn]

RIP deathaxe, you won't be missed.

:-( :bye:

[Velfi]

The final waraxe is pretty nice though given what you were aiming for, good job with that.

[Velfi]

That sounds much more backhanded to me than I intended. My bad.

[Taernath]

In the Common language, it reads:
Nemesis


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9AcG0glVu4

[Velfi]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9AcG0glVu4

Nemesis (of the tendons)

[zennsunni]

Crowd-sourced alter, I like it.

[Viekn]

Crowd-sourced alter, I like it.

Thanks. And I really appreciate your contribution.